1. She didn’t know how to insert a tampon.
“My wife had never used a tampon in her life. We were on vacation in the Caribbean when ‘Aunt Flo’ showed up. I went to the gift shop got a box of tampons for her, and we were off to diner. As we left diner and began to walk here’s our conversation:
Wife: Something isn’t right. This thing feels like it’s going to fall out. Me: what do u mean it’s gonna fall out? Wife: I don’t think it’s in right. Me: WTF do mean it’s not in right? Didn’t up put it in, pull the string & throw the applicator away? Wife: Applicator? What? I took it out of the wrapper and just put it in there. Me: How is it I know how a tampon works and my 44 yr old wife doesn’t?
So we walked towards the sea in the dark and I’ll be damned if her little cotton friend didn’t fall to the sand still in all his plastic encased glory. Needless to say we had a long talk about our changing bodies and read a goodnight story from the back of a Playtex tampon box.”
2. She would burn pasta.
“Cooking….like at all…she would burn pasta…”
3. She didn’t realize you can copy computer files.
“At the time girl had no idea how floppy discs or USB drives worked.
She saved everything in My Documents and opened from there.
She legitimately thought computers were personal -as in files stayed where you made them.
When I stored her essay on a disc and moved it to my computer she thought I was a magician. It was insane.”
4. She couldn’t tie her shoes.
“Years and years ago, I dated a young woman who admitted that she couldn’t tie her shoes.
At the time, I thought her lack of skill in that regard was somewhat strange, but it made sense when she explained it to me: The girl had only worn Velcro-fastened sneakers as a child, and had switched to slip-on footwear once she had outgrown that particular style. Since she’d never had a reason to learn it, knowledge of how to tie shoes had simply passed her by, despite the fact that she was completely comfortable tying other knots.
Anyway, in an attempt to help the young woman, I started giving her opportunities to tie my shoes. It only took her a few attempts before she had filled the gap in her skill set, but the practice also became a joke of sorts between us. Unfortunately, it drew some strange looks (and one curiously angry reaction) one evening, when – while attending a party together – I pointed out to her that my shoelace had come undone, and she immediately bent over to tie it for me. We had to quickly explain the story behind her behavior, but a handful of people remained unconvinced.
The lessons stopped after that.
TL;DR: I nearly got myself lynched by helping a girl learn to tie her shoes.”
5. She didn’t know how to bathe.
“We got in the shower together after sexy times. After a minute or two she says, “Whoa, you really wash yourself, like you soap up your whole body.”
So, bathing. Bathing is the basic skill she didn’t have.”
6. She didn’t know how to blow her nose.
“I went out with a girl who didn’t know how to blow her nose. It still bothers me.”
7. She doesn’t know how to jump.
“My wife doesn’t know how to jump.
I’m not exaggerating either. She’s not handicapped. In fact, she’s super fit. She has strong legs, she can run pretty fast. But she literally doesn’t understand how to jump. Whenever she tries to jump, she just lifts her knees up really fast, but her torso doesn’t actually get any higher. I’ve tried teaching her but she refuses to take the time to learn. She claims ‘I just missed the boat on how to jump.’”
8. She didn’t know you should stop breathing while swallowing water.
“My wife has difficulty swallowing water without inhaling some on accident. It took me about a year to figure out why she choked so much, and I realized that she is actively sucking the water out of the cup with every sip like it’s hot soup while inhaling, rather than just creating a seal with her lips and pouring it in her mouth. When I told her that she should try it my way, she said ‘But how do you breathe while you’re drinking?’ I said ‘YOU DON’T!’ She’ll never change it.”
9. She didn’t understand you’re supposed to take care of your teeth.
She nearly dumped me when I pointed out that it’s not normal for teeth to be brown on the edges. I didn’t notice it initially because the brown was eternally covered by white, fossilized food residue.
Eventually, I was able to make it clear that I just care about her health, and she’s been working through about $5,000 in fillings, root canals, and gum treatments as quickly as her insurance will let her.”
10. She can’t swim.
“Wife can’t swim. She said her mother wouldn’t let her learn because she was afraid of her drowning. THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT SWIMMING IS FOR!”
11. She doesn’t realize I only have two hands.
“Being able to determine whether my hands are free or not. Like I’ll be carrying a two-handed tote and she wants to hand me the glass of water she just poured. Like yes please balance it on my shoulder.”
12. She’s only capable of reading one text message at a time.
“When texting I have to write a sentence and wait an answer. If I write more than one, she only reads the last one. Always.”
13. She doesn’t know how to drive.
“How not to drive like a jackass. She tailgated, stopped late, swerved randomly because she wasn’t paying attention, and….It has taken a lot of patience to get her to the point where i am cool with her driving the kids around. Her sister is still a horrible driver.”
14. She didn’t know how to do her taxes.
“Had to file 7 years back taxes for a girl, she’d simply never done them and didn’t know that after university and working minimum and low wage jobs since high school that it meant she’d be getting back thousands of dollars, like $21,000.”
15. She set her house on fire by putting plastic in the oven.
“Dated a girl who called me one night asking me if it was safe to put plastic in the oven. When I said no, she laughed nervously and said she might have set her house on fire. (She did).
I was confused by much in that conversation, but the main thing was why she was calling me and not the fire department.
…She also couldn’t tell her lefts from her rights.
It was odd because other than that she was a generally intelligent human being.”
16. She confuses left and right.
“My GF is a Forensics Chemistry major with two minors and she’s brilliant. But she has trouble telling which way to turn when giving directions and confuses her left and right. If she says ‘Go left’ my safest bet is probably turning right because left would be me turning into oncoming traffic, a tree, a wall, or just the way we don’t need to go.
It’s kind of cute now, but at the beginning it was confusing.”
17. She didn’t know how to plunge a toilet.
“My wife did not know how to plunge a toilet. The first few times I was over at her place and her toilet was clogged when I entered the restroom I figured “hey, it happens, I’ll just plunge it on the dl and save her the embarrassment.” After a couple of years and countless low-key plunges we had to sit down and talk about checking the bowl, proper plunging technique, all that jazz. It’s much better now but for a while it was this weird little secret that only I knew.
Edit: my most popular comment is about my wife’s dookies. Love you babe. Sorry babe. For those who asked, she’s tiny – maybe 110 lbs. She works out and eats regularly and healthily, but for whatever reason she just takes very wide, very big dumps. Also I’m learning a lot about toilets from other parts of the world!”
18. She can’t open packages of food.
“Opening packages of food. My wife opens bags of chips as if there is an invisible zipper down the middle of the bag.”
19. She had no concept of time.
Her concept of time is so skewed it’s mind boggling and it’s caused her to be one of those people who ‘has their own time’ (like people add an hour to whatever time she says she’ll be anywhere).
I didn’t understand it until I witnessed it first time when we were getting ready to leave somewhere together. She thinks ‘well I just have to throw clothes on and make up and I’m good, so leaving in half an hour is fine.’ However, she lets things distract her from her two main objectives and doesn’t allot any extra time for such occurrences.
Starts dressing and make up, then realizes she hasn’t fed the dog, but also realizes she hasn’t eaten so makes a quick snack, but while doing that she notices she hasn’t taken the trash out and if she doesn’t do it now it will attract flies, what was I doing again? Make up, oh yeah. Where’s my coffee? Oh I hadn’t made it yet. Better do that. What’s this bowl of yogurt and granola doing here? Oh yeah, I need to eat this. Okay let’s go. Wait, I need to bring this chair up to my mom on the way up to the car. Proceeds to have 5-minute argument with her mom about nothing in particular. And suddenly we are 45 minutes late.
I had to lay out things with realistic times for her in order to get anything done in a timely manner, and still that was hard for her to grasp. As in, ‘OK listen hun, if we have to get groceries, it will take 20 minutes just to drive there, then 20-30 minutes in the store, then another 20 minutes just to GET to Michael’s to get these party supplies, time to look around, etc.. So does it make sense that we’re going to need more than 1 hour to accomplish these things before the party?’
Anyway, that’s part of the reason she’s now my ex.”
20. She couldn’t understand the concept of passing lanes.
“She didn’t know that when the dashed-line is in your lane, it’s legal (and theoretically ‘more safe’) to pass, and when it’s solid it’s illegal. I’m not sure if she ever even noticed that the lines ‘change’ … I love my little space cadet.”
21. She didn’t know you need to use water when making macaroni.
“An ex-girlfriend (emphasis on the ‘ex’) of mine almost set my kitchen on fire because she didn’t know that she had to use water when making macaroni. Literally, she just put dry macaroni in a pot and put it in on the stove and expected it to be fine.
Luckily I realized what was happening and was able to swoop in before she caused any serious damage, but it took the smell almost a week to leave.”
22. She thought that ‘north’ was whatever direction you’re facing.
“My ex-girlfriend didn’t realize that North wasn’t an arbitrary direction.
I’d say ‘right, so get on the highway and go north’ and she didn’t feel that was enough information. In her mind, “north” depended upon what you were looking at and from which direction. Straight ahead of you? That’s North. Looking the other way? Now that’s North.”
23. She didn’t know how to shit or wipe properly.
“She didn’t know how to shit or wipe properly. She thought you had to force/push the shit out instead of just letting it happen, and she was always saying how she had to wash her arm off after wiping because she would inevitably get some on her forearm…
She was 21 years old. Pretty attractive, college soccer player. And a gross idiot.
I wonder if she ever mastered pooping.”
24. She didn’t know that pee doesn’t come out of the same hole that a penis goes in.
“I went out with a girl who didn’t know that pee doesn’t come out of the same hole that a penis goes in. I had to explain it to her. Poor thing.”
25. She didn’t know how to boil water.
“My girlfriend (now wife) asked me how to boil water.
Her dad was a chef for 11 years. They are an aggressively Italian American family, but somehow they just skipped teaching her how to cook on any level.
She still hates cooking. I usually cook in bulk on the weekends (so she doesn’t starve herself during the week) but because I may not always be around I make her cook with me so that if I die before her she won’t be one of those old ladies that only eats microwave dinners.”
26. She thought her ankle was her shin and vice-versa.
“GF thought her ankle was her shin and vice-versa.”
27. She couldn’t open a door with a key.
“My ex couldn’t open a door with a key. Her parents would always keep their back door unlocked because she couldn’t figure out how to open a locked door even if she had the key. She would turn the key, open the door and then be unable to take the key out of the lock until someone helped her. If they locked the back door she would either not be able to get into her house or would leave the key in the door until someone else came home. It may have been the funniest most idiotic thing I’ve witnessed.”