37 Jerks Reveal The Jerky Little Things They Do Just To Be Jerks
1. GOOD ADVICE
“I give people who don’t like me good advice so they won’t take it.”
2. THE BAGEL TRICK
“I work at Timmies and when people who get bagels are jerks I don’t cut their bagels all the way through. It’s not that big a thing but I know it’d ruin my whole bagel experience.”
3. HAVE MY SEAT, GRAMPS
“I offer my seat on public transport to middle-aged people to make them feel old.”
4. THE OPEN DOOR TRICK
“I hold the door open for people that are too far away.”
5. HIDING THE REMOTE
“At house parties, I help clean up afterwards but secretly hide a TV remote in a very obscure place. Potted plants are my favorite.”
6. ASK SANTA…FOR ANYTHING
“I tell little kids that Santa is real and will bring them anything they want as long as they ask their parents for it enough times.”
7. THE RED LIGHT TRICK
“My local traffic light is set to go red when it sees someone doing 60kmh or above. So when someone is tailgating me I make sure I keep at 58 and punch it a few meters before, so that the asshole has to stop at the red light.”
8. STIFFING THE MAN
“I donate $2.01 every week to St Jude’s. Works out to $104.52 and I get to write it off of my taxes as $105. Getting the government for .48¢”
9. SILENTLY JUDGING
“I silently judge people and hold them up to a standard that I myself don’t uphold.”
10. COMIC SANS
“I print all of my company’s envelopes in Comic Sans.”
11. PRESSING EVERY BUTTON
“Working in a 13-story building, I would often press every button on my way out on the ground floor. Only did this when alone, and no one was entering on the ground floor. So some poor guy would get on at floor 2 or 3 and have to stop at every floor on the way up.
Last time I did this, stepped out of the elevator and some guy rounded the corner in a hurry, saw the doors closing, and bolted to get into the elevator. All I heard from behind me was OH COME ON JESUS CHRIST. He knew.”
12. SWINGIN’ THE KEYS
“When I’m leaving a busy store with a crowded parking lot, I’ll often times take my keys out of my pocket and swing them around as I head to a car that’s parked in a prime location. As soon as the vultures begin to circle and queue up for that sweet sweet king spot, I breeze right past the car and enjoy the look of frustration on their faces as I make my way to my actual parking spot.
I used to work across the street from a Whole Foods in the downtown area of a major city, and I would do this every time I walked back to work from eating lunch there. The parking situation was especially bad on the street level there, so people would get visibly pissed when they saw I wasn’t even parked anywhere in the lot.”
13. MEAN THINGS
“If I don’t have anything nice to say, I just say mean things.”
14. DISGUSTED FACE
“I really enjoy when at amusement parks or crowded places making a disgusted face and looking off in a direction so people spend their time trying to figure out what I was seeing.”
15. SO PRETTY
“On Throwback Thursday, I like to comment, ‘Wow! You used to be so pretty!’”
16. SWITCHING BEERS
“I switch beers around in beer crates in the supermarket, so when people arrive home they will have one different beer in the crate if they didn’t pay attention.”
17. THE KEYPAD TRICK
“At my last place of work we had one of those mechanical lock things with a number pad. I’d always press a random number after going through it so the next person would get the code wrong the next time and they’d need to try it again. Sometimes I’d hang around to watch it happen, it always cheered me up.”
18. ADDING TYPOS
“I add spelling mistakes to emails I’m supposed to forward.”
19. TOILET KETCHUP
“I don’t do it anymore, but for years I would go in the bathroom of fast food restaurants and put ketchup packets under the nubs between the bowl and the toilet seat. For no reason. Years man.
Then the inevitable happened. I went to a McDonalds just before closing. Got myself a Big Mac. Next morning, I got up early and stopped in the same McDonald’s for a breakfast sandwich. Stopped by the bathroom to drop a deuce. I guess the employees there don’t clean the restrooms at the end of the day.
I was wearing white. I deserved it. All of it.”
20. EXCUSE ME
“Walking into people who stand in the way or walk extremely slow on purpose.”
21. SPEED LIMIT
“Drive the speed limit.”
22. CHA CHA CHA
“I’m the guy who says ‘cha cha cha’ when you sing happy birthday.”
23. CATFISHING COUPLES
“When I lived in Japan I used to troll catfish a guy and a girl on different dating apps at the same time, organize a date meeting place and sit down somewhere close by with a good view.”
24. PEDESTRIAN BUTTON
“I press the pedestrian crossing button even if there aren’t cars coming, then I cross before it turns green which means cars will be unnecessarily held at the lights when nobody is crossing.”
25. HONKING AT DOGS
“Honk at pooping dogs.”
26. I SUPPORT AMAZON
“I rarely support any of my local businesses because Amazon is cheaper.”
27. LOOSE LIDS
“I never tighten the lid on a container.”
28. DESEGREGATING GROCERIES
“I never put the little bar down to separate our groceries.”
29. LIGHTS OUT!
“In public restrooms, I think it’s funny to turn the lights out on poopers.”
30. REGULAR PARKING SPACE
“I’m handicapped; have the blue gimp card, walk with crutches. Sometimes I park in a regular parking space.”
31. SANITIZING
“After I shake hands with someone I’ll apply Purell while looking them directly in the eyes.”
32. THE POPCORN TRICK
“I fart and then say, ‘Do you smell popcorn?’ They deep sniff every time.”
33. SMELL THIS
“Here is one many people do.
You smell something so vile that it makes you gag or even throw up in your mouth a little. The very next thing you do is hand it to your mate and say ‘smell this.’”
34. HONKING AT GOLFERS
“I live near a golf course, I like to honk when people are about to drive their ball down fairway.”
35. FREE POOLSIDE WIFI
“My apartment in community is next to the pool so I named my WiFi ‘Free poolside WiFi’ and I’ll hangout in my patio during weekends to watch people trip up over the fact that they somehow can’t connect to the free WiFi.”
36. YOU’RE SO BRAVE
“Whenever a girl publishes a picture in a bikini i comment: ‘wow you’re so brave.’”
37. COFFEE MACHINE LANGUAGE SETTINGS
“I like to change the language settings of things like office coffee machines.
Preferably to something Asian, so it can be difficult to find the language settings again. Bonus points if they get racist about it in front of other colleagues.”