1. Called an Uber. Turns out her dad was the driver.
“I woke up and went outside to call an Uber home after hooking up with this girl and going back to her house one night. Turns out her Dad is an Uber driver, and guess who was his first customer of the day?
Hands down the most awkward car ride I have ever experienced.”
2. Her teenaged son came in and said, ‘OMG mom, another one??’
“Went to an older lady’s house one night. Next morning her kid comes in, and he’s at least 16-17. He’s like, ‘omg mom, another one??’”
3. I woke up to her wheelchair-bound husband pointing a gun to my face.
“I woke up to her wheelchair-bound husband pointing a gun to my face. Damn cougars. Had legs lol. But seriously, he just held me at gunpoint, made me get dressed, and made me leave. I GTFO’d there via taxi because she drove me to their house.”
4. Turns out I’d already had a one-night stand with her daughter, who was shocked to see me in the kitchen.
“Had a great night with a lovely older lady. Proper MILF. The next morning, I went down to make a cup of tea for the two of us. I couldn’t help but think that I’d been in that kitchen before. I was having a déjà vu moment. As I turned round out of the kitchen with a few cups of tea in hand I see a girl. She screams ‘muuuuuuuum!!!’ It hits me. She was another one-night stand I’d had a few weeks before. I had accidentally done the mother, daughter. Luckily most of my clothes were in the living room downstairs. Needless to say, I left.”
5. I woke up, was asked to leave, then went outside and found my car had been towed.
“Waking up and being asked to leave, and then going outside to find my car was towed. Then having to go back inside and wait…”
6. She locked me inside her bedroom.
“She wanted me to stay for the night, I didn’t want to but I did. I woke up in the middle of the night and tried to sneak out just to find out the door was locked! She woke up and asked me where I was going… ‘Water’ was the only thing that came to mind. She walked with me to the kitchen, walked with me back to the room, and locked the door again.”
7. Had to go through London rush hour in a tiger onesie.
“Woke up on the other side of London pretty happy with myself…until I realized all I had to wear was a tiger onesie, no shoes not T-shirt just boxers and a tiger onesie. Going through London rush hour in a tiger onesie with the remains of tiger face paint was interesting.”
8. Woke up in another state. She had pissed the bed.
“Woke up next to my one-night stand. She had pissed the bed. There was a total of 9 people in the house only the 2 homeowners knew each other. Everyone else were total strangers. Come to find out I’m in a different state which to be fair is only like 2 hours away from where I live. I had to sit around in piss-soaked clothes with a bunch of strangers while my friend came and picked me up. He made me put on a trash bag in his car lol.”
9. He’d left $200 and a note that said ‘thanks.’ Paid my electric bill.
“A guy I toke home from a bar, whom I had previously met before multiples times, left $200 on the bed side table. I found it when I woke up. Attached was a note that just said ‘thanks’.
I am not a hooker by any means and didn’t ‘perform’ anything out of the ordinary. It was weird. But it paid my electric bill so I didn’t complain.”
10. Woke up next to a really bad rapper.
“The previous night was Valentine’s Day. I had just been dumped by a long-term boyfriend. I was drunk in Walgreens looking at the flowers and chocolates thinking about my ex. I then decided it would be a good idea to buy him a balloon and some flowers and leave it outside his house, because these are the kind of brilliant ideas I get while drinking. Got outside, let go of the balloon and it flew away, started crying. Some dude in his car asked me what was wrong. Woke up next morning. He started telling me about how he was trying to be a rapper, made me listen to some really bad stuff he had written. I had to get out. Get up to leave, tells me I have to wait until his grandma leaves the house to play bridge with her buddies, because he lives with her since he can’t afford to live on his own. I finally get to leave after a couple hours of extreme uncomfortable and awkward feelings of regret. As I walk out, I see his grandma had put the flowers I bought in a vase on the table.”
11. Woke up between a young married couple I met at the bar the night befor.
“Woke up between a young married couple I met at the bar the night before. I spent the morning awkwardly being shown their wedding photos from just three weeks prior. When it was time to politely jet, I couldn’t find my other sock, at which point the husband excitedly shouts ‘souvenir!’”
12. Took a puke-covered walk of shame past her mother. Oh, and I got chlamydia.
“Came home with a girl from the bar. We were both trashed, had sex, her dog watched. She vomited on me while performing oral sex. Cleaned up as best as I could before passing out. Woke up in the morning to her mom attempting to come in, asking who was in her room. She said “no one, go away” before telling me that I couldn’t leave until her parents left for work.
No way in hell I was staying for two hours with puke dick. I climbed out her window on the second floor and jumped off of the roof. Stuck the landing and jogged away down the street… into a cul-de-sac. Turned around to get out and her mom is on the front lawn in a bath robe staring me down holding her morning coffee. Walked to a gas station where a friend picked me up.
Oh, and I got chlamydia.
Took a puke- covered walk of shame past her mother.”
13. I was woken up by the guy’s mother with cum dried all over me.
“I was woken up by the guy’s mother with cum dried all over me…”
14. Woke up to a bunch of Snapchats of my penis from the girl I slept with.
“Woke up to a bunch of Snapchats of my penis from the girl I slept with. She put a couple of them on her story. I guess she did this when I was asleep?”
15. She asked, ‘Sooo….what are we now?’.
“Her asking, ‘Sooo….what are we now?’”
16. Her parents opened the bedroom door. I had no covers on and they just see my shlong just out in the open.
“This girl’s parents came home a couple days early and in the morning I was sleeping with her in her room with a couple alcohol bottles surrounded the bed with an ash tray filled with weed and a couple of roaches in there too.
Well anyways, parents came home and went upstairs. Was completely naked with no covers on and they just see my shlong just out in the open. I thought her dad was going to beat my ass. Probably the most awkward thing to ever happen to me.”
17. My friend came in and pissed all over the bed.
“It was after a Halloween party one night in college, I went home with a girl back to her place, my buddy who was with was completely wasted, so he came with to pass out on her couch. I woke up at about 5 in the morning to him at the foot of the bed pissing on it and on our feet. I said ‘wtf’ and kicked him in the leg, to which he just sort of turned and continued to piss on the floor. He then crawls into bed on the other side of her. She was still passed out, so I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t get him to wake up so I thought I’d try to just fall back asleep and if she woke up, I’d act just as surprised as she was…. I tried curling up into a ball to fall back asleep, but with the foot of the bed covered in piss, him sleeping on the other side of her and me being tall, it didn’t happen. I pretty much laid there for a good hour or two. The other guy was my ride so I couldn’t just get up and leave either.
He eventually woke up. After pissing himself again in her bed, looked at me. ‘Wtf happened?’ I was like dude you pissed everywhere. He got up and went back to the couch, and she woke up pretty much right after. I was pretending to be asleep, and she felt the wetness around her, and ‘woke me up’ confused as all hell. I played dumb as best as I could. She was putting her nose into it and everything trying to smell what it was, and since it was straight booze it didn’t have really any odor. She was questioning if her cat peed or what had happened, and I just acted as confused as could be as well. I felt bad, but couldn’t tell her the truth as we kind of knew each other and had some mutual friends. My friend and I left pretty quickly after. He was suuuuuper embarrassed around me for a while after.”
18. We woke up to a 50-year-old dude standing at the edge of the bed going off on her saying, ‘So I guess this is the end of our relationship, huh?’
“This lady drove me to her place. In the morning, we woke up to a 50-year-old dude standing at the edge of the bed going off on her saying, ‘So I guess this is the end of our relationship, huh?’
A little while later she uses my car to go get groceries and her mom shows up with her kids telling me that CPS is stopping by. When they get there, I try and be polite and answer the CPS lady’s questions without giving away that we literally met last night, waiting desperately for her to get back.
When she does return she’s shocked to see CPS there and leaves my keys in her purse. And starts talking with the lady immediately. I felt too awkward to ask her for my keys back and just kind of sat there. She starts crying talking about how she’s working so hard to turn her life around.
I’m trying to quietly get her mom’s attention to have her go get my keys. Which doesn’t work. Finally, after what feels like forever, I get kind of antsy and say “Oh, crap! I got to go get ready for work!” Which thankfully works and I finally leave.
Edit: We were at the same party. After the party died down I was too drunk to drive still. She said she would. So she drove me and my car to her house. And in the morning, she used it for groceries. For some clarification on the car thing.”
19. I had bruises and cuts on my body. She couldn’t remember my name, either.
“The girl had bit my lip till it bled I had bruises and cuts on my body and she had peed on her own floor. She couldn’t remember my name, either. We’ve been together for over a year and half and I’ve never been happier.”
20. I probably shat on a dude in my sleep.
“Woke up alone and naked in my bed. Figured dude left. No big deal. Suddenly had terrible horrible awful intense stomach cramps. Got up to go to the bathroom. Had to run with my hand cupped under my ass to avoid getting shit everywhere (pro-tip: don’t do this. Shit gets everywhere anyways…. no use getting it all over your hands too.)
Anyways, liquid shit exploded out of my ass for a good 15 minutes. Was sitting on the toilet grateful dude had left and wasn’t there to witness my horrible dreaded ass-pissing episode. Got it all out, took a shower, went back to my room to find a huge brown puddle in my bed. We fell asleep spooning. Dude was the big spoon. Needless to say, we never spoke again.
Tl;dr: probably shat on a dude in my sleep.”
21. There was no furniture in her place. Turns out we’d slept on a mountain of her dirty clothes.
“Got insanely drunk at a hipster bar and met this cute little pixie chick. We went back to place, double-back-beasted it, and passed out on her bed. Or what I thought was her bed. When I awoke the next morning, it became abundantly clear that she had absolutely no furniture in her room. Every ‘surface’ (this includes bed and makeshift desk), was comprised solely of dirty clothes. Literal mountains of them. It didn’t smell TOO bad, considering, but still wasn’t pleasant. I sneaked out while she was burrowing deeper into the bed-pile.
I should also mention that I wear contacts, and didn’t have my glasses with me. Turns out I’d drunkenly removed my contacts and flung them got-knows-where, so I then proceeded to very blindly, still-drunkenly stumble 2.5 miles back to my house. Ah, college!”
22. I woke up in a freshmen dorm, we both smelled of vomit.
“Uggghhh I woke up in a freshmen dorm, we both smelled of vomit. For some reason we pulled up a bush, and the root distributed dirt all over the floor. I tried to sneak out but was greeted in the hallway by a chubby girl with a broom… and I had to clean up the room, and I left doing the walk of shame holding a giant bush. I did find the home for it, but it was never the same after that. Oh and I lost a shoe.”
23. Woke up to the person standing on my dresser and taking a massive diarrhea dump into my bra/panties drawer.
“Woke up to the person standing on my dresser and taking a massive diarrhea dump into my bra/panties drawer. A different time, with a different person, I woke up to somebody jizzing on my finals project, which I had just finished the night before. It was an oil portrait of my coworker which they so kindly agreed to sit for. I guess while I was sleeping he got up and started wanking and I happened to wake up when he decided my painting needed some final touches. Paint was still wet so I had to spend about an hour carefully wiping the jizz off of the canvas.”
24. We both woke up after a night of really REALLY rough sex while she was on her period.
“We both woke up after a night of really REALLY rough sex while she was on her period.
The hotel room looked like that scene from Dexter.”
25. Looked around and there were five other guys in the hotel room.
“Woke up mostly naked still drunk with the guy I fucked asleep in bed with me (OK, normal) but then looked around and there were 5 other guys in the hotel room (not normal). I calmly looked up and asked the guys “did I fuck any of y’all” a resounding no. Got dressed, woke up the guy, we all got taco bell, I went home.
Edit for what I remember: this was at an anime convention in Texas like 4 years ago. I met the guy while having a cig break from the con rave, we drank, went back to the rave, moved the party to his hotel room, fucked, his buddies arrived, made fun of us for the noise, and we all drank some more. After that I assume I passed tf out lmao.”
26. Found out I hit my face on the nightstand while sleeping and got a bloody nose.
“Found out I hit my face on the nightstand while sleeping and got a bloody nose. My entire chest and face was covered in blood when I woke up. Needless to say, it freaked both of us out lol. This was the one and only one night stand I had, I’m not that type really.”
27. I got fucked up on tequila shots and woke up next to a guy that wouldn’t leave until my gay friend spooned him.
“So I was 22 and freshly single after a 2-year abusive relationship. What better way to celebrate than to get hammered drunk and find hot guys to bang one out with right?
I go out one night with my roommate and my friend Isaac for buck night ($1 for well shots and Sierra Nevada Pale Ales). I run into some friends who are out with their coworkers and I notice one who I thought was pretty cute but looked young. Turns out they’re celebrating his 21st birthday.
I bought him, Isaac, my roommate and myself a lot of tequila shots. A loooooot of tequila shots. Needless to say, I blacked out.
I wake up the next morning naked and in my bed with this fresh 21-year-old trying to finger-bang me (poorly) and he whispers, “Would you like another drink?” or something along those lines. I think he was trying to sound sexy but it didn’t work. I made an excuse about being sore downstairs and having to go to work, but he doesn’t get the hint that I’m trying to kick him out and keeps trying to make out with me.
I get out of bed to get dressed and Isaac waltzes into my room without knocking, clearly still fucked up from the night before. I’m pretty sure he still hadn’t even slept. I asked, “Uhhhh, Isaac, do you mind?” while motioning to my half naked body and the clothes I was about to throw on.
Without a word, Isaac climbs into my bed, starts spooning this poor naked guy and falls asleep. That’s when the guy finally decides it’s time to leave.
TL;DR – I got fucked up on tequila shots and woke up next to a guy that wouldn’t leave until my gay friend spooned him.”
28. Her boyfriend walked in, understandably pissed.
“Her boyfriend walked in, understandably pissed. I got out of bed and walked across the hall to my room.”
29. Woke up next to a strange man, wondering why I was covered in hickeys.
“Woke up the next morning in a strange bed with a strange man next to me. I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks; I looked at my phone which had like twenty missed calls and texts from my friends asking where I was and did I need help. It was 7am.
I went in the bathroom and realized I was covered in hickeys and bite marks (seriously!) I go back into the room, wake the guy up and point to my neck like “wtf dude”. He shrugs his shoulders and said “You told me to do that.” I rolled my eyes, started getting dressed and couldn’t find my underwear. We searched the room for a solid five minutes, me half naked and him half-awake (we couldn’t leave them behind because this wasn’t his room, it wasn’t even his house, it was a buddy of his that was working and due home any minute). We ended up finding them behind the TV (wtf?).
I opened the door, hoping for a quick exit, before remembering my car was still at the bar and I needed a ride. I walk into the living room and there’s three guys I knew from high school sitting on the couch with shit eating grins and laughing at hickeys and general disarray. I have to ask for a ride (cringeworthy) since my phone was dying and I had no idea where I actually was.
Bonus: that was 6 years ago. Me and that guy get married in 2 and a half months ;)
ETA: gold for being a (patriotic) sl*t turned wife?! I’ll take it, Reddit.”
30. Woke up next to my best friend. Ruined the relationship.
“Woke up next to my best friend.
We had been friends for 4 years. Happy hour went late, then one thing to another and all that. She made a little surprised yelp sound when she woke up and excused herself to the other room (we were at her apartment). It was fantastic waking up with her. High hopes for the next day.
That was pretty much the end of our hanging out. Now, a few years later, we barely talk anymore. Not worth it.”