1. He thought women peed from their vaginas.
“He thought women peed from their vaginas. He’s my lovable idiot, though.
Yes, women do not pee from their vaginas. We have a separate urethra located near our vagina.”
2. He insisted that he has a cervix.
“At 26 years old, my husband and I got into an argument over whether or not he has a cervix.”
3. He thought periods only lasted a few hours.
“‘I thought periods only lasted a few hours.’”
4. He thought Sherlock Holmes was a real person.
“Me and my ex-boyfriend almost got into a fight because he thought Sherlock Holmes was a real person.”
5. He thought New York City was in California.
“My husband thought New York City was in California and I still can’t track the logic there.”
6. He thought Asia was Africa and Africa was Australia.
“When he couldn’t find Africa on a map. And Australia….Also technically he could not find Asia because he thought Asia was Africa and Africa was Australia. I don’t care how bad people think Americans are at geography, that is just stupid.”
7. He thought Chicago and basically every major city was a state.
“He’s not an idiot and I love him to death, but he thought Chicago and basically every major city was a state.
If you see this, I love you.”
8. He insisted that Vietnam was a war, not a country.
“When he said, ‘Vietnam was a war, not a country!’”
9. He told me there was a giant tsunami rolling in. We live in Arizona.
“He told me there was a giant tsunami rolling in. We live in Arizona.
This story is about an ex. He was dead serious when he said tsunami. I googled the definition of tsunami and told him what it was and he proceeded to call me an arrogant bitch.”
10. He straight-up thought baby ducks were called quacklings.
“When he straight-up thought baby ducks were called quacklings. But to be honest, I actually prefer his version.”
11. He thought only the president and Secret Service lived in Washington, DC.
“In the middle of a conversation that was referencing Washington, DC, he angrily stated that what I was saying was impossible, because people don’t live in Washington, DC.
I stopped, wait what?
‘No one lives in Washington, DC, they aren’t allowed.’
Are you serious?
‘Yeah, only the president and the Secret Service live there, in the White House.”
He was 26.”
12. He thought an opossum was a ‘furry armadillo.’
“We were on a road trip and he pointed out ‘a furry armadillo.’ He was pointing to an opossum. The man has a nuclear engineering degree and MBA.”
13. He thought manila folders were called ‘vanilla folders.’
“My husband turned to me one day, quite out the blue, and said, ‘hey do you ever wonder why they call them vanilla folders?’…manila folders…. he had been saying it wrong for 25 years.”
14. He thought hotel sheets were dirty, so he’d wrap himself up in the hotel comforter.
“My husband told me that he never slept in hotel sheets because they ‘never washed them.’ So instead, he would wrap himself up in the comforter and sleep in that. The big fluffy comforter…”
15. He thought microwaves only cooked in 30-second increments.
“My boyfriend insisted that cooking certain things in the microwave was a hassle since you had to ‘stop them early’ because the microwave only cooked in 30-second increments. I’m not sure what he thought all the numbers were for, but his life changed that day.”
16. When he saw the moon during the day, ‘It’s not the moon. It’s a reflection of the moon.’
“When he saw the moon during the day, ‘It’s not the moon. It’s a reflection of the moon.’
My VERY intelligent husband said this 7 years ago. I do believe he somehow misunderstood the sun’s light reflecting off the moon and never questioned it. He understands space very well now. Yes, everything we see is because light is reflecting off it, but that’s not what he meant at the time. I finally told him about this post when it ended up on College Humor. He doesn’t think it’s as funny as I do. He’s also a huge Star Wars fan. ‘That’s no moon…’”
17. He Gorilla Glued his bathroom door shut to see if he could break it down.
“When he Gorilla Glued his bathroom door shut to see if he could break it down. He couldn’t.”
18. He’d wear one pair of dirty boxer briefs over the other, creating a bunched-up, sweaty cacophony of sin.
My ex-boyfriend somehow dwindled down his boxer brief count to two, and instead of buying more like a human adult with basic common sense, or at least, you know, WASHING his two remaining pairs of preferred underwear, he would slip on a pair of the many loose-fitting boxers he owned, and then awkwardly shuffle one of the boxer briefs over said pair, creating a bunched-up, sweaty cacophony of sin.
When I asked him what in God’s name he was doing that for, he would reply, ;I like the way everything is squeezed in.;
He continued this cycle for two months.
He rarely washed his underwear, due to the fact that he didn’t understand how to operate a washing machine. (Another can of worms.) I broke up with him before he ever got around to buying more boxer briefs, so who knows? Maybe he’s still making idiot boxer sandwiches to this day.”
19. He changed the light bulb four times without realizing he had to flip on the switch.
“When he changed the light bulb over our kitchen sink four times and kept throwing away the bulbs thinking they were all bad. I finally walked over and flipped the correct light switch for that light—the one next to the garbage disposal on the opposite wall from all the other switches.
We had been living in this house for over ten years at that point. He had used that light countless times. I love the guy but he definitely has his moments. (I’m sure I do, too).”
20. He called the crushed red pepper for my pizza ‘the red flakes.’
“When I asked him to grab the ‘crushed red pepper’ for my pizza, and he got offended. He asked me why I didn’t just say ‘the red flakes’ and that I was just trying to sound smarter than him.”
21. He insisted that kiwis (animals) were the same as kiwis (fruits).
“When he insisted that kiwis (animals) were the same as kiwis (fruits). He found this photo and just wouldn’t believe that it wasn’t real. Just wow.”
22. He wanted to use a Ziploc baggie as a condom.
“My ex wanted to use a Ziploc baggie as a condom. Noped out of that one.”
23. He Google-image searched acorns except he spelled it, ‘egg corn.’
“I was using his laptop and he Google-image searched acorns except he spelled it, ‘egg corn.’
AND. Earlier this week he texted that he wanted to make gnocchi for dinner. He spelled it, ‘no key.’
I love him but holy fuck, he is not a clever man.”
24. He forgot what a sandwich was called, so he asked me to make him a ‘meat bread.’
“He forgets the names of things, and so will often make up a new name in the middle of a sentence without breaking stride. My personal favorite was when he forgot what a sandwich was called, so he asked me to make him a ‘meat bread.’ Throughout the years I’ve become fluent in husband, but at first it would take me a while to figure out what he was talking about.
He also does this thing where if he forgets someone’s name, he renames them Terry in his mind. He called our neighbor Terry for over a year, to the man’s face, until one day neighbor’s wife finally corrected him and told him that neighbor’s name was Neil.
My husband is an absolute idiot, but he’s my idiot and I love the hell out of him!”
25. He ate frozen, uncooked churro & complained ‘these ice cream bars suck.’
“Ate frozen, uncooked churro & complained ‘these ice cream bars suck.’
Claimed honey is a liquid mineral, because honeycombs ‘look geological.’
Put potatoes in the freezer, after I told him they last the longest in a cool, dark place (kind of my own fault).
Fucked up making Jell-O pudding—somehow mathed two times the pudding boxes needed four times the milk. Pudding soup was the result.
Multiple times he’s grossly overestimated the volume capacity of a pot compared to what he’s trying to cook in it. Trying to cook an entire box of spaghetti noodles in a pot big enough for a can of soup, for example. Thankfully we have an electric glass-top stove now, it was a nightmare with the old propane burners.”