1. Call them by your ex’s name.
“Calling your wife by your ex-wife’s name. Let me tell you that does not end on a happy note.”
2. Make small talk.
“Small talk. Please don’t ask me what the weather is like right now.”
3. Say ‘I love you’ for the first time.
“Saying ‘I love you’ for the first time.”
4. Refer to it as ‘intercourse.’
“Referring to it as intercourse. ‘Ooo yeah! You like it when I have vigorous intercourse with you?’”
5. Insult their genitals.
“Don’t insult anyone’s genitals during sex. Women don’t need to hear that their unshaved vulva is ugly and men don’t need to hear that their uncut penis is a turnoff.”
“Coughing. If she coughs it shoots you right the hell out.”
“Sneezing. A friend was once banging this girl, they were both very drunk. She was on top, suddenly sneezed in his face and at the same time did a sneeze induced-shit on his balls. It killed the mood a bit.”
“Farting a blast of death and destruction in my face and then trying to continue without giving me a damn minute to recover. NO AARON* I DO NOT WANT YOUR DICK UNTIL IT CLEARS UP IN HERE WHAT IS HARD TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT.”
9. Cry hysterically.
“Crying hysterically. I’ve done it twice.”
10. Put it in the wrong hole.
“Putting it in the wrong hole, usually.”
11. Answer the phone.
“I had a girl answer the phone once while I was still inside her. Can’t let her dad worry, I guess.”
12. Fall asleep.
“Falling asleep during the act. Only happened once as I was very drunk. She wasn’t impressed.”
13. Talk about past hookups with previous partners.
“Talking about past hookups with previous partners DURING sex. Like ‘Oh hey, this reminds me of this one time where—/ NO STOP I DON’T NEED TO KNOW.’”
14. Compare her to her mom.
“Compare her to her mom.”
15. Break the condom and pretend it’s still there.
“Breaking the condom and pretending it’s still there.”
16. Try to put it in their butt without warning.
“Trying to put it in my butt without any warning.”
17. Try kinky things without first discussing them.
“Trying kinky things without first discussing them with your partner.”
18. Anal then oral.
“Anal then oral.”
19. Tickle them when they don’t like it.
“Tickling someone when they don’t want to be and/or dislike tickling.”
20. Call her ‘Mommy.’
“Totally personal this one, and I know some people are in to it. But if you want to make me stop immediately and never be attracted to you again, call me Mommy or ask me to call you Daddy.”
21. Go from ass straight into the pussy.
“Going from ass straight into the pussy. That’s just a miasma of nasty waiting to happen, not kosher. Just say no, it’s like dipping a chip twice in the communal dip.”
22. Make animal noises.
“Making animal noises. I meowed once just for the fuck of it and yeah just don’t no no.”
23. Dry-jerk the dick.
“Please don’t jerk dryly on my dick. It hurts. To clarify, I’m not saying that you don’t jerk on my dry dick, but don’t just reef and tug on it like you’re trying to pull start a weed whacker.”
24. Yell out another person’s name.
“Yelling out another person’s name or bringing up others during sex.”
25. Call her a whore or slut if she’s not into that.
“Please don’t call her a whore or slut if she’s not into that. If she says she doesn’t like it, don’t do it.”
26. Point out their physical imperfections.
“Pointing out any imperfections. They’re trusting you enough to take their clothes off for you, so the least you can do is enjoy the beauty of the human body before you and not focus on any flaws.”
27. Ask if he’s getting soft.
“The girl suggesting that you lost the erection. I didn’t, but I did now!”
28. Act like a gorilla.
“Acting like a gorilla (beating chest, grunting noises, picking bugs out of partner’s hair, etc.) during sex.”
29. Ask if you can watch porn because you can’t get hard otherwise.
“Do NOT ask if you can watch porn ’cause you cannot get hard during intercourse. That’s gonna fuck up your girlfriend’s ego and you gonna get an earful of it for months. If you can’t do it just don’t do it. Also don’t use viagra unless you’re a porn star or in your 50s.”
30. Make baby talk.
“Baby talk (and old people talk, for that matter.)”
31. Stick your tongue up their nose.
“Sticking your tongue up their nose. Definitely a no-no. Especially if they have a split tongue and can put it up both nostrils.”
32. Bite the clit.
“Biting the clit. Literally biting, like it bled….Have had someone bite me tho, thought it was ‘sexy’ and didn’t calculate how much it would hurt. It’s sensitive down there!!!”
33. Ask him to give you his babies.
“Don’t suddenly start going on about giving me your babies or making me pregnant or similar things, especially when you never established if I found that hot (I don’t).”
34. Attempt complicated yoga positions.
“Don’t assume your partner is flexible or strong enough for creative sex positions without asking. Pulled muscles and dislocated joints kill the mood.”
35. Slip a finger in without permission.
“Slipping a finger in without permission.”
36. Ask for consent every step of the way.
“Asking consent for everything. It’s sweet and everything but sometimes it just takes the mood out of it. If I want to retract the consent I gave you beginning of the night I will say so. You don’t need to ask every five minutes.”
37. Tell them ‘you’re so hot’ over and over again.
“Don’t tell your intercourse partner ‘you’re so hot’ over and over again, no matter how hot they are. I’ve had several guys do this and it is SO ANNOYING. I always end up telling them to shut up, which feels mean and I don’t like being mean to someone who is currently inside me…but they leave me with no choice.”
38. Fail to reciprocate oral.
“Expecting to receive oral and then not returning the favor.”
39. Constantly ask questions.
“Constantly asking questions…telling you what to say to them…trying to hold a conversation….Just shut the hell up and stick it in already.”
40. Use the word ‘daddy.’
“The word ‘daddy.’ Ban it. Make it punishable by jail.”
41. Go in dry.
“GOING IN DRY. I cannot stress this enough, no matter where your entry is, if your partner is dry, its going to fucking hurt. Also it’ll hurt you too, remember that post about the guy who ripped his banjo string cuz he went in dry? Lube is a beautiful lifesaver, and it’s even helpful if you two want a quickie and she has a problem with getting wet quick enough. Also, stay hydrated out there, ladies.”
42. Pull your phone out and start recording.
“PULLING YOUR PHONE OUT TO RECORD OR TAKE PICTURES. even if she says no! always ask first and respect what they say. putting anything in butthole without asking first. putting your finger from the butthole (even just a little bit) then to the vagina. doing anything new you didnt discuss prior. includes asking them to beg for it or to say stuff or have stuff said to them farting at any time especially oral. looking off into the distance/ intently watching TV.”