1. He thought the sun and the moon are the same thing and ‘the sun just turns off at night.’
“After 4.5 years of dating the guy, he looks me in the eye and asks me why the sun and the moon are both in the sky. I have no idea so I tell him it just happens sometimes. His response: ‘BUT AREN’T THE SUN AND THE MOON THE SAME THING?! The sun just turns off at night.’
Couldn’t even look at him after that. Broke up with him that very day.”
2. He looked out the car window to check his parking job, then closed it on his own head.
“He looked out the car window to check his parking job, then closed it on his own head.”
3. He bragged about his 100 IQ, thinking it meant he got 100% of the questions right.
“He started bragging about his 100 IQ level. According to him, that meant he got 100%.”
4. He thought that denim came from cows.
“My ex-boyfriend saw a very large lady wearing double denim, then turned to me and said ‘wow, how many cows died for her outfit?!’ At first I laughed then realized he wasn’t really joking and after probing, genuinely believed that denim came from cows. It was the beginning of the end really…”
5. He thought the romantic moonlight was just the sun coming up through the ocean.
“When he thought the romantic moonlight, shining down on the water through a hole in the clouds, was the sun coming up through the ocean. 😑”
6. He thought all waffles were made of potatoes.
“He thought that chocolate truffles were mushrooms covered in chocolate. He thought all waffles were made of potatoes, therefore any sweet toppings on a waffle were revolting. He spelled ‘performance’ as ‘preformance’ consistently, including on job applications, and when I corrected him, he wouldn’t speak to me for the rest of the day. Normal stuff, really, I’m sure we’d have worked out fine if he wasn’t a monumental dick as well…”
7. He thought that women went blind when they got their period.
“He thought that women went blind when they got their period. He was 27.”
8. He thought that eggs came from cows.
“We were having dinner when I mentioned I couldn’t eat cheese because I’m lactose intolerant. He asked how I could eat eggs. I told him that lactose was found in dairy, which comes from cows. He vehemently rejected my explanation that eggs did not come from cows and were not dairy, and wouldn’t believe me until he Googled it for himself.”
9. He called in to work two times the same day and gave two different excuses for why he couldn’t come in.
“He called in ‘sick’ to work and left a message on their answering machine saying he couldn’t come in because he wasn’t feeling well. Half an hour later he thought up a ‘better’ excuse, and then proceeded to call back and tell the woman that answered that he couldn’t come in because his car had broken down.
She (perhaps unsurprisingly to the rest of us) responded with ‘I thought you were sick?’ Hearing him try to come up with a story in which he was sick AND also had a broken-down car was simply hilarious.”
10. He didn’t know pickles don’t grow out of the ground as pickles.
“He didn’t know pickles don’t grow out of the ground as pickles. After explaining the whole pickled-cucumber situation, he actually didn’t believe me at first. We’re married, and he’s never going to live it down.”
11. He asked me why my cats haven’t started hibernating yet.
“When he asked me why my cats haven’t started hibernating yet.”
12. He tried to tell me that an oxymoron was a cleaning solution.
“He tried to tell me that an oxymoron was a cleaning solution.”
13. He was adamant that ‘night owl’ meant whore.
“There are so many, but two of my favorites:
1) He was adamant that ‘night owl’ meant whore and that I should NEVER again refer to myself as one because that was equivalent with claiming that I was a prostitute. I could not convince him that he misunderstood and that ‘lady of the night’ was the term he was searching for.
2) He was 100% sure that German was a romance language and argued this point vehemently in spite of the presentation of vast evidence to the contrary.”
14. He mocked me for pronouncing ‘filet’ correctly.
“He took me out to my favorite restaurant, a chic little upscale cafe, for dinner on Valentine’s Day and made fun of the way I pronounced filet. He tried to get the waiter on his side. ‘Can you believe this? Hahaha! She wants the ‘fill-ayyyy!’ Then he leans upwards conspiratorially, ‘she means the fillit, obviously. Hahaha!’
Then he wouldn’t shut up about it. I was like, ‘it’s French, the -et sound is pronounced ‘ay,’ but he wasn’t having it. Kept going on and on about how stupid I must be until he dropped me off at home. I told him we were done the next day.”
15. He thought ‘disenchanted’ meant one had stopped chanting.
“He thought procrastination meant overthinking. Disillusioned meant one didn’t have enough light to see. Disenchanted meant one had stopped chanting.
The list goes on and on. The funniest part is he couldn’t understand why we had so much miscommunication.
I just sent him a text using the word ‘assumption,’ I wonder if he is going to think I’m suggesting anal.”
16. He thought the tendon between my inner thigh and my vulva was my clit.
“He thought the tendon between my inner thigh and my vulva was my clit.”
17. He hit me with lines like ‘I don’t think space is real, I think it’s a conspiracy.’
“Not dating so much as fucking but…we ended up in a huge argument about whether or not the stars were real. He hit me with lines like ‘I don’t think space is real, I think it’s a conspiracy.’ Man was he hot, but so dumb.”
18. He thought women peed out of their clits.
“He thought women peed out of their clits. Argued for half an hour until he finally Googled it. He was 24…”
19. He said, ‘a fish isn’t an animal, it’s a mammal.’
“I was a vegetarian when we were dating. Pretty early on he asked if I ate fish. I said no, I don’t eat any animals. To which he replied ‘a fish isn’t an animal, it’s a mammal.’ I didn’t even know what to say, I just walked out of the room.”
20. I taught him how to use a screwdriver.
“It was my first year in college. I taught him how to use a screwdriver.”
21. He said, ‘I’m as strong as an oxen.’
“He said, ‘I’m as strong as an oxen.’ I said, ‘do you mean ox? Oxen is plural.’ He said ‘nope. Different animal.'”
22. He thought slugs were ‘born’ when enough dust and dirt had clustered together for a long enough amount of time.
“I once had a brief thing with a guy in high school, who was convinced that slugs were ‘born’ when enough dust and dirt had clustered together for a long enough amount of time. I still thought he was dreamy.”
23. He said my UTI was caused by walking around the house in bare feet.
“When he said my UTI was caused by walking around the house in bare feet. Bacteria could travel through my feet and into my bloodstream and infect my bladder.
This guy was a healthcare assistant in a hospital.”
24. He literally burned a book that I had because I would go to hell for having it.
“He literally burned a book that I had talking about different magic stuff and myths in different cultures because I would go to hell for having it.”
25. He didn’t know who George Washington was.
“He didn’t know who George Washington was. He had a high school degree, two years of college and a good job.
I eventually married a man who makes a lot less money but he’s smart.”
26. He had ‘your name’ tattooed on his arse.
“He had ‘your name’ tattooed on his arse.”
27. He thought the Blair Witch was real and that the movie was actual found footage.
“He thought the Blair Witch was real and that the movie was actual found footage and that if you watched the movie the witch would come after you. Even after explaining that it was only a fictional movie, he still didn’t believe me. I was near tears laughing.”
28. He thought that penguins were human-sized.
“My 1st boyfriend had never been to a zoo so i surprised him with tickets on Valentine’s. He thought that penguins were human-sized and it took him a good 20 minutes to get over the shock that this wasn’t the case.
Then he saw a sign directing visitors to the Komodo dragon enclosure and freaked out that dragons were real. I found it quite endearing at the time.
Seriously, though, how terrifying would human-sized penguins be?”
29. He thought the word ‘surreal’ was actually ‘so real.’
“We were driving around this weird part of Las Vegas and I said, ‘This is surreal.’ He said, ‘ I know. It’s so real.’ I repeated, ‘Surreal’ and he repeated, ‘So. Real.'”
30. He said that he could see ghosts and that my bad dreams were the cause of a bad spirit trying to harm me.
“When we had a conversation at night and I told him stories about bad dreams I had. He said that he could see ghosts and that my bad dreams were the cause of a bad spirit trying to harm me. He said that he believes that the reason they don’t hurt me is because my mom can also see ghosts and that she must be using her abilities to protect me…”
31. He didn’t know that pork is a type of meat.
“He asked me if I ate meat, I said no. He then proceeded to ask me if I ate pork, and then was shocked to find out that pork is in fact meat…it was a very awkward first date.”
32. He asked me how pickles grow.
“He asked me how pickles grow. I’m still with the goober, but I won’t ever let him forget about that.”
33. He thought Sweden was part of the UK.
“He thought Sweden was part of the UK. We were both born and raised in Scotland. He also asked me if cows existed in Australia.”
34. He misspelled ‘turd’ as ‘terd.’.
“When he misspelled ‘turd’ as ‘terd.'”
35. He kept calling it Valentime’s Day.
“When he kept calling it Valentime’s Day.
When he applauded after the orchestra finished tuning.
When he said that he’d never eaten fruit. Ever. He thought
apples were hard and would break his teeth.”