1. “Live, laugh, love.”
Translation: Worship at my feet or I’ll put your cat in the blender.
2. “I bet you can’t handle me!”
I bet I don’t want to bother.
3. “Are there any good men left?”
Tells me her personality drives off good men.
4. “All my friends say I’m crazy lol!”
Translation: you and your friends are earth-shatteringly dull.
5. “High Maintenance.”
Why would you be proud of that and what fucking moron would seek that in a partner?
6. “I love to laugh.”
No shit. I’ve never met anyone that doesn’t like to laugh.
7. “idk what to put for a bio.”
Can’t wait to have a riveting conversation with someone that can’t make a single sentence about themselves.
8. “I like to do fun stuff.”
I mean I think the definition of ‘fun stuff’ is that you like doing it.
9. “I don’t reply to one-word messages.”
Proceeds to message me ‘hey.’
10. “Willing to lie about how we met.”
So, right off the bat, you’d be willing to lie, ashamed of me, and wishing things were different. I feel like that’s not conducive to a successful relationship.
11. “Treat me like a princess [or queen] and I’ll treat you like a prince [or king].”
My reaction: ‘This is America….we did away with that monarchy bullshit 250 years ago.’
12. “Fluent in sarcasm.”
In my experience this means one of two things;
They actually don’t understand what sarcasm is.
They use it as an excuse to be a bitch to your face.
13. “Oh and I’m not really 23, not sure why it says that.”
Because you lied about your age on FB you idiot.
14. “Love having fun.”
No shit, most people do.
15. “Don’t judge my story by the chapter you walked in on.”
Listen lady, if there is one thing I will never change, it is the feeling of self-satisfaction I get when i judge strangers for superficial reasons. Ain’t to woman special enough for me to change.
16. “Message me, I won’t talk first.”
All right, Miss Entitled.
18. “My kids are my life (or my everything).”
Well, no shit, Sherlock. I sure hope so. I mean they are mini human beings after all. I guess I just assume we are not going to throw them in the river if we start seeing each other.
19. “I don’t like drama or want to play games.”
You thrive on drama and do nothing but play mind games.
20. “I’m just looking for a sugar daddy.”
Look, dear, even I have my standards—and being blatantly taken advantage of is beyond that line.
21. “I’m not your average girl.”
You literally just became an average girl by saying that.
22. “Must be 6’0” or taller.”
I get it. Everyone has their own body preferences. But I wager if I put on my profile, ‘must have D-cup sized breasts or larger,’ there would be a problem.
23. “God is first.”
24. “University of Life.”
Probably unemployed and a gold digger.
That’s enough for me.
26. “My family is the most important thing to me.”
Means they have money issues or trouble holding a long term job and move in and out of mom and dad’s house a lot.
27. “420 friendly.”
Usually code for ‘I can’t afford my own pot so let’s smoke yours.’
28. “I love food.”
Really? You enjoy an experience that your brain is hard-wired to derive pleasure from? Tell me more. Also somewhat telling that none of the women who say this ever cook, bake, garden, or perform any other food-related hobby or task.
29. “I’m really nice but can be a bitch when I need to.”
Translation: I’m a bitch.
39. “I’m not looking for something casual.”
How the fuck do you expect this to start? Straight into marriage?