1. I’m a pedophile.
“I’m a pedophile. NOT an abuser. I would never in a million years do something like that to a child, or patronize the images or videos of people who do. I can guarantee that I’d kick the ass of anyone who tried to do that to my kids. Those people are despicable and subhuman. It’s not hard to have the self-control to not rape someone. That should be expected of everyone. The fact, however, remains that I have attractions and urges that are unhealthy and unwanted.
Unfortunately, here in America, the distinction between non-offending pedophiles and child abusers is not seen, so people like myself, who would like help, can’t get it. I can’t talk to a psychologist about it, because they would likely report me for ‘child endangerment’ which is not an issue for me. But I have a job. A degree. A family. I can’t risk losing all of that.”
2. Me and one of my cousins were banging for close to a decade. We’re both dudes.
“Me and one of my cousins were banging for close to a decade. Luckily no one got pregnant. Probably because we’re both dudes.”
3. Me and my beautiful female cousin had sex.
“Both sides of the family always literally said out loud that I was the handsome male cousin and ‘S’ was the beautiful female cousin. We heard that all the time growing up and we agreed with it. So we had sex.”
4. I’m a male, and my older sister and a neighbor girl forced me to do sexual acts with them, including them anally penetrating me.
“My sister who is two years older than me and the neighbor girl, who is 3-4 years older than me, forced me to do sexual acts with them including them anally penetrating me, from as far back as I can recall to about age 10. Growing up it didn’t really bother me, and I never thought much of it, but it started to come back to me about four years ago, and I have what would probably be described as PTSD and trauma-induced depression. I am 24 now and have told one counselor and my current S/O. I have never told my family and I do not think she has. I am a male and the stigma that comes with this is very troubling. I am also quite troubled by this in general. What worries me most is, where they learned it from, and the possibility of hidden sexual assault elsewhere in my family.”
5. My older brother is a sociopath who used to beat me simply for the pleasure of exerting power over someone.
“The wrong brother died two years ago. My younger brother was sweet, caring and patient. My older brother is a sociopath who used to beat me simply for the pleasure of exerting power over someone. He has fucked up his body through an addiction to prescription painkillers but my parents will never see it.
Our father once walked in on him stomping on me with military boots he got just for the purpose…and asked why I had provoked him. I was six and my brother was a teenager.”
6. When I was doing my undergraduate degree, I worked as a prostitute for several months.
“When I was doing my undergraduate degree, I worked as a prostitute for several months. I did not really need the money. I had a decent scholarship; I wanted the experience. I worked out of a legal brothel. I gave up when I got bored with it.”
7. I didn’t actually graduate from college.
“My parents think I graduated college. Every time I try to tell them the truth, they tell me how proud they are of me. I feel guilty so I just play along.”
8. They don’t know why I pass out at the sight of blood.
“I’ve been passing out a lot lately at the sight of any blood, even a scratch. My family says I’m getting sensitive, that I’m turning into a wuss. When the truth is last year before my boyfriend and I broke up, he tried to kill himself in my presence. There was so much blood…I never told them.”
9. I talked my mom out of a suicide attempt, and she doesn’t know it was me.
“That I talked my mom out of a suicide attempt.
I volunteer at a suicide hotline. I often take calls from people on the brink of jumping or pulling the trigger. Everyone who calls us are anonymous to us on the caller display.
I worked late one evening and got a call transferred to me from a lesser experienced responder because the person on the phone was very nonresponsive to questions and apparently said they had a gun in their hands.
When I picked up the phone and asked what their name was, I immediately recognized my mom’s voice when she said her name.
Funnily enough she mentioned that I sounded familiar, like her son. I asked if that was a problem to her, because then I could hand her over to my colleague.
She told me ‘no, at least I feel like I’m confessing to a person I love.’
Then she went on about her failed adulthood. A husband she didn’t love anymore. Rapes by her now-deceased father etc.
It was tough just sitting there and receiving the burdens of a lifetime dumped onto you by your own mother.
We talked for about 2 hours and she put away her gun (I heard it releasing the mag) and hung up.
I called my dad right after asking him where mom was. She had apparently just walked in the door when I called. Knowing their house, she must’ve been in the shed (dad’s man cave).
I don’t know if she knew it was me or not. But she hasn’t mentioned anything and I’m not going to.”
10. My ‘uncle’ is a rapist.
“I know my ‘uncle’ Joe is a rapist. Joe is a close family friend. He’s been around my whole life. When I was a teenager, I walked in on my uncle during a Christmas party having sex with a girl I’ll call Carmen, who was a couple of years older than me. I presumed it was sex because the noises were right and Carmen had a rep for being wild and preferring older men. Joe was married. I just thought he was being a dick.
In the 1980s, there was a bunch of unreported rapes in our town. It was an open secret. One night, when I was about 8, I accidentally overheard a very drunk Joe confessing to being the guy who did it. My father dismissed him, told him he was a liar.
I went away for a couple of months and came back. Someone told me Carmen was accusing Joe of rape. She was drugged and by the time she realized there’d been a rape, there wasn’t any physical evidence left. Joe denied having sex with her. She’d went to the cops. Nothing had been done but the rumors got out.
So I went to the police and gave a statement about that night and what I heard. Joe was questioned but it didn’t go anywhere. My father wouldn’t forgive me if he knew.”
11. I feel like I live a life of quiet desperation.
“I am pretty deeply unhappy. I don’t think anyone in my circle of friends/family knows this. I feel like I live a life of quiet desperation.”
12. I want to die most of the time.
“That fact that I want to die most of the time.”
13. I have this weird hatred of my vagina.
“That I have this weird hatred of my vagina. I hate talking about, looking at, often touching it. It makes me so uncomfortable. I identify as female, love a lot of feminine things, I even really want to have kids but being a woman disgusts me. I don’t even like my SO to see it. I cry when anyone gets near it or it has to be looked at.
Recently I’ve been having problems with my periods and the little sex I have is painful, but I refuse to go a doctor. I don’t want them to touch or look at it. My SO wants me to go, worried it could be something that could prevent me from having kids if not checked…but I’m too afraid and too disgusted to go.
I feel like a freak, and I don’t understand why I’m like this.”
14. I might be homeless before summer is over.
“That without a miracle I might be homeless before summer is over, and for the last few months I’ve been getting my ass handed to me by anxiety and depression. I’m trying to prevent all that, but my options are extremely limited. If my landlord decides not to work with me for the next month or so, or if some things don’t pan out in the next few days, I’ll have no place to go, no cash to sustain myself, and no way to get out of that spot.”
15. I’m depressed to the point of not wanting to live anymore.
“That I’m depressed to the point of not wanting to live anymore. I’m the life of the party, the person everyone comes to for advice, constantly reminded of how ‘great’ I am, etc.
I survived cancer in 2013, combat as an infantry soldier in 2003-2005, and lost my dad to cancer in 2010 (he was only 56). My wife is my best friend, but our marriage is coming to an end (my doing). I haven’t spoken to my mom more than once a year for a decade because I was blamed for her suicide attempts.
I’ve seen a lot of hurt in my 37 years and I’m tired of it.”
16. I am screaming inside.
“That while I keep my ‘Don’t give a fuck’ attitude, I am screaming inside.
My mom’s unwell, my sister ends up arguing with my parents over everything, my dad has high blood pressure, my brother doesn’t want to admit he gets frustrated over little things and here I am in a master’s degree not knowing what the fuck to do next.
I end up becoming the ‘kind and calm’ voice of any argument because everyone just loves screaming at each other. I honestly can’t take it much longer.”
17. I’ve been secretly planning my suicide for several years.
“I’ve been secretly planning my suicide for several years. I haven’t shared this with anyone…since in addition to them potentially interrupting my plan it would put several years of work to protect and care for my family at risk. I still have a year left before I’ll be able to take the final steps but I think about it constantly and rarely does an hour pass that I don’t face the void and have to remind myself of the plan.
‘It’s almost time’ has been my personal mantra for the last year. My kids are nearly past their most formative years where my death will crush them and my life insurance policies are mature and I’ve had them long enough to not arouse suspicions. I do feel a sadness for having to leave my family but I know that eventually my illness will overcome my will power to control it, and I’ll end up turning to drugs and other forms of self-sabotage. It’s better for my family to remember me as an attentive father, a devoted husband, a hard worker, etc.
I’ve struggled with bipolar disorder for my entire life, I’m able to take medication to tone down my swings but it has never helped completely. Also I lived for so long without treatment that I’ve developed a very thick emotional callus. Even without the disorder I believe that I’d never really feel happy, feel love, or be contented again. But the meds help keep me in control enough that I can plan properly for the people that are important to me.
It will look like natural causes. I have another medical condition that can often lead to fatal complications and I’ve learned several ways to induce these symptoms artificially. I’ve done my research (wolfram alpha and the old A.S.H. archives), and purchased my supplies, anonymously from an encrypted VPN and left no evidence on my personal computer. The actual method will leave no evidence, though I doubt anyone would really investigate. It won’t be a mysterious event, I’ll be just another statistic of one of the most common causes of death, and I’ll finally rest.
Tldr = I’m going to kill myself in about a year. I’ve been planning it for several years to ensure that my family is taken care of.”
18. I will be totally disabled in 6-7 years.
“I have a progressive neurological disorder. I will be totally disabled in 6-7 years. My symptoms have started progressing to the point that they are starting to notice something is wrong. My wife knows a little bit of what is happening; I have not told her how severe my symptoms will become. What sucks is that we are starting to implement our retirement plans for 10 years from now. I am totally going to have a f’ing miserable retirement, because this won’t kill me, just cause unceasing, unrelenting pain and physical symptoms. :( For now, I am upright, working, can take care of my bodily functions. I am far better off than others, so I stay quiet and keep track of the progression of the disease.”
19. I lived in my car for a year and stole food to get by.
“I lived in my car for a year. I have bipolar disorder, but I spent years avoiding any kind of treatment. They know that now, as well as the fact that I’m on my meds, currently doing incredibly well, and accountable to a good friend who has bipolar 2 as well. But they didn’t know that when I was living out-of-state a few years back, I was too paranoid to search for an apartment and lived in my car. I was also unemployed for a decent stretch of time, and stole food from Walmart to get by. I don’t know that there is any harm in telling them now, I’m making a lot of money, have a great condo, and am doing very well at my job…But I don’t want to reopen those wounds. I’m ok letting the sleeping dog lie, but it’s weird to have this period of my life that they know nothing about.”
20. In my teens I tried to commit suicide several times.
“In my teens I got to such a depressed state that I tried to commit suicide several times. The note already written, including the guest list for my funeral. I survived every time.
After that, my life got better and I realized that happiness isn’t in the circumstances, but rather in how one deals with those circumstances. Now, I am known for my positivity and my ‘commitment to life.’ For me, I feel like I live on borrowed time and that is why I try to experience as much as possible.
The only thing that really bothers me is that somehow my family never ended up noticing how unhappy I truly was in my teens. But I cannot tell them the truth, it would break the hearts of my family if they learned that I was so depressed and they never noticed. I just cannot put them up with the guilt.”
21. My neighbor anally raped me when I was about 8 or 9.
“When I was young about 8 or 9, I had a neighbor, who is about five years older than me, that I use to hang out with. Now this neighbor was to put it nicely not the nicest person in the world he was frankly kind of a dick and someone who was, in retrospect, not someone who I should have hung out with. Now their family was and still is a family friend of ours, and I am still friends with the person’s siblings. Now let me get on with the story, when I was young I hung out with them and they taught me things that were highly inappropriate for a kid my age like sex and other graphic things. Now me being the young kid that I was I didn’t think anything of it, it was the coolest thing on the planet for me. Well this got me into trouble later because they taught me many things which I shouldn’t have learned and it led me to wanting to try it. Now you have to understand, the person teaching me was of the same sex as me and I didn’t know any better, so it led to them taking advantage of me. At first it was small things like touching each other and the occasional squeezing. Then it got worse; it was winter after my 8th or 9th birthday and it was cold so we holed up in his mud room. We did what we normally did but it escalated, they made me perform oral sex on them, when after that they performed anal sex on me. It went on for about an hour and then everything ended. At this point my whole world changed. I became more withdrawn, although my parents didn’t notice or my siblings. They never knew about it and the fact that I became more withdrawn had to coincidentally to do with the moving of said neighbor. I am still friends with their siblings but I could never go near that person ever again. I have nightmares about it every so often because of it, but I can’t ever forget it. I have only told three other people, one was my girlfriend and the others were some close friends. I have a hard time trusting people and connecting with them emotionally. Now I have a severe case of depression and have attempted to kill myself multiple times. It is hard because I can’t give the name of the person who did it because it is someone that my family knows, but also because the memory is still after all these years so fresh in my mind that I can’t stop thinking about it every so often.”
22. My gynecologist raped me in an exam room.
I’m heartbroken and damaged. My gynecologist raped me in an exam room. I know the first thought I had was going to the police but he ‘groomed’ me so well and actually convinced me that this was supposed to happen I actually saw him a few more times and then he started stalking me and I moved. I have an amazing family husband and children. I can never ever ever tell my husband. I had confided in my doctor how I was violently sexually abused by a relative when I was little and he used that against me. I don’t know how to move past it?”
23. I am in an abusive relationship.
“I am in an abusive relationship…in fact, no one knows.
My mum hates my fiancé but she truly doesn’t know how he is. She just thinks he isn’t good enough for me. But what she doesn’t realize is that in the years I have been with him, while he hasn’t hit me (yet), he has shoved me out of the way when trying to talk to him to calm him down, or the way he screams and yells at me in fights.
I would think that when people see my pictures on social media they would believe I am the happiest and luckiest girl in the world because I was just recently engaged to a man who is attractive and charismatic and appears to have money. I seem to have everything anyone could want like a fast car and credit cards and nice clothing. Our engagement photos were in one of the largest cities in my country where the famous, affluent, and wealthy tend to flock, in front of an icon of the city that everyone knows.
It was a surprise engagement. I knew about the trip. But years ago I should have stayed gone the first time.
He is very jealous and insecure. He threatens to kill himself if I leave. He has grabbed me and thrown me into the bed and the hard flooring that he has downstairs. He is upset I am going to college. He keeps saying I’m going to cheat on him and men are going to flirt with me and want to sleep with me (that may be true, but I am not unfaithful).
He often tells me in our weekly arguments that I should leave him if it’s so bad and that I need someone better than him. But he also will tell me that if I leave him, someone else will abuse me and hit me.
Last night after we went out to the city, we got into an argument over my tone of voice. I offended him because I had sounded mad, but I apologized profusely and assured him I wasn’t.
This escalated into him driving erratically down the motorway. He took my hand and hit himself with it saying he would call the police and said I punched him in the face. When we got back to the house he grabbed me by arms and held me into the wall twice; during the second time he pressed his fist into my jaw as hard as he could.
I am scared of him and all day I’ve been in the house while he’s at work. I feel miserable. I’ve gotten sick a few times. I hate myself because I feel powerless that I can’t leave him because I love him (why???).
He owns ‘my’ computer, car, phone, clothes… nearly everything…a lot of the time I feel like committing suicide to escape, because I also feel like my family hates me (for choosing him over them). My mother has hit me and so has my eldest brother. My youngest brother doesn’t care enough to get involved.
I am so ashamed of myself and I know I can get over hurt pride if I could ever admit to needing help. I have self-harmed in attempt to feel something other than…this, and in attempt to commit suicide. My family doesn’t know that but I have dark scars on my arms I hide. I feel so lonely and I often imagine disappearing or going somewhere nice and dying. When I was at a beach this summer, I wanted to drown in the ocean and float away.
Sorry for the length. I’m shaking typing this because I’m scared he’ll find out. It feels better to admit this here than to anyone else.”