1. What about my tacos?’
“I was once in the drive through of a Las Vegas Jack-in-the-box that was being robbed. I pulled up to the window and this guy inside the window points a .45 at my face and says ‘You better get the fuck out of here homey.’ I was so shocked that the only thing I thought was, ‘What about my tacos?’”
2. ‘You’d better pray to God that’s bigger than a .38 or I’m gonna beat you to death while I bleed out.’
“‘You’d better pray to God that’s bigger than a .38 or I’m gonna beat you to death while I bleed out.’
I was very drunk. I have no idea why I’m still alive.”
3. ‘You’re drunk.’
“True story my great uncle got really pissed at my grandpa. So he ended up getting really shitfaced later that night and pulled a loaded pistol out on me and my uncle and said ‘I’m going to kill everyone here tonight’ and me and my uncle looked at him and said ‘You’re drunk’ so he gave us his gun and said you’re right and stumbled off to bed.”
4. ‘Kid, I will fuck up your world.’
“I was held up by some kid with a knife. Short little knife, not even about two inches long. I backed up and pulled out my six-inch switch blade and told him ‘Kid, I will fuck up your world.’ He just slinked away shaking like a leaf, I called the police, and waited at the 7/11 the was a block away shaking and chain smoking.”
5. Fuck off man, you don’t have a gun, and you’re not fooling anyone, you pussy.’
“I was pretty drunk one night at the bar with my girlfriend at the time, and some of our friends. One of our friends got blackout drunk and was about to fall asleep on the bar, so I offered to drive her home in her own car so she wouldn’t have to come back in the morning, and I’d just walk back. My girlfriend at the time decided to come with us.
So we drop this girl off, park her car, and start walking about a mile back to the bar. Halfway back, we pass through a somewhat rough area. A homeless-looking man, looking very suspicious and shifty, walks up to us and asks for a dollar. I truthfully tell him, ‘Sorry man, but I just spent all my cash at the bar, I have nothing.’ He gets irate and reaches into his pocket and says that he has a gun, and that he’s going to shoot me and take all my money anyway.
Being nearly blackout drunk myself, I bust out laughing and tell him, ‘Fuck off man, you don’t have a gun, and you’re not fooling anyone, you pussy,’ in a good-natured manner, like you’d tell off a friend that was obviously fucking with you. I take my girlfriend’s hand, and we just…walk around him. His hand is still in his pocket, reaching for his gun. He has a completely dumbfounded look on his face. I realize about 2 blocks away…he was trying to mug us. Lol. My girlfriend was not pleased.
I should add that I’m a pretty small dude, and the dude was pretty big. He wouldn’t have even needed a gun to completely ruin me. I have no idea what I was thinking, I just…wasn’t thinking. I’m not a brave man, sober me would have probably stuttered a lot and offered him anything he wanted. But nope, drunk me just wants to joke around with everyone apparently.”
6. ‘If you’re going to do that, let’s not do it in front of our family.’
“Cousin with mental health issues threw a table at me, but missed; he grabbed the leg and put me to the ground and shouted, ‘I’m gonna fucking kill you, smash your skull!’ I responded with, ‘If you’re going to do that, let’s not do it in front of our family.’ Slightly different based on his medical mental condition, but for some reason that brought him back.”
7. ‘You can go have some Oreos if you put the gun on the counter.’
“I was babysitting for my cousins (aged 5 and 3, I was 14 at the time) and the 5-year-old found his dad’s handgun and was waving it around like a toy. He was pointing it at things and pretending to shoot them (not putting his finger on the trigger thankfully), and at one point he pointed it at me and pretended to be a bank robber. I told him if he handed me the gun he could go get the package of Oreos on the counter and we could have some. It actually worked, and I stuck the gun on a high shelf until my aunt and uncle came home.
As it turned out, the gun was loaded. My aunt made my uncle buy a gun safe and put all the guns in the garage after that.
tl;dr: For the love of god don’t leave your firearms where your young children can find them. No matter how much you tell them it’s not a toy, they will still treat it like a toy.”
8. ‘I’m sorry. You’re a lucky guy.’
“When I was 22 I had a gun put in my face because I was drunk and probably hit on his GF. I apologized and told him he’s a lucky guy. Idk how that worked.”
9. ‘Whoa, whoa! Just wait a minute!’
“That’s what I said to the guy who’d just slammed me face-first into an ATM and drew a knife on me as I staggered to my feet. I kicked him and ran out of the bank’s vestibule. By the way, he went to prison! Thanks ADA Heinrich!”
9. ‘Is this really worth life in prison if you shoot me?’
“I was accosted by a young kid with a gun, he couldn’t have been more than 13. I can’t remember the exact conversation, but basically, the kid looked at me and said, ‘Give me anything you have, and I’ll let you go.’ I wanted to freak out, but something in me said to remain calm. I said something like, ‘Is that a real gun or an Airsoft?’ And he pulled out the clip. Sure enough, it was real, surprisingly. I said, ‘Look, kid. I don’t have anything but five bucks and this shitty phone that isn’t going to really get you anything. Is this really worth life in prison if you shoot me?’ He looked at me, looked at the gun, looked at me, started crying, and turned around and walked away.
I did call the police and alert them that there was a kid walking around 14th street brandishing a firearm, but by the time they got to where I was, the kid was long gone. I pointed the cops in the direction he went and what he looked like and all that stuff, but I’m not sure whatever came of it.”
10. ‘Look around, there’s at least 20 witnesses, someone will talk.’
“I had just gotten off my apartment security job at a ghetto complex. As I walked to my car, a drug dealer was standing in front of it.
He saw me and pulled a firearm out of his waistband and put it to my head. I looked at him and looked at the people around him. He was 10 feet from a pool full of parents and kids, everyone was watching.
I looked him in the eyes and said, ‘Do it if you want, I’m just a guard and I’m off-duty. I don’t give a fuck what you’re doing here, this is just overtime for me. But look around, there’s at least 20 witnesses, someone will talk.’ I opened my car door and got in, he put his gun back in his waistband, got in his bicycle, and left.
I drove as fast as I could home and changed my boxers.”
11. ‘Tell this dude that if he stabs me with that, I might be hurt, but I’ll survive and be a hero for killing him after.’
“An Iraqi police officer who I had been training for 4 days, he was mad at me when he thought his beef stroganoff had pork in it. I tried to explain through an interpreter to no avail. He was the youngest and biggest in the bunch, and I think was peer-pressured into confronting me. I told him that if he didn’t go back to his room, eat, and be quiet that I would destroy him. Bad idea. He came back to our guard shack a few hours later with a sword, a ceremonial saber from the wall of an office in our compound. He had the look in his eyes, bloodlust. I stood up, woke the terp up, and said ‘tell this dude that if he stabs me with that, I might be hurt, but I’ll survive and be a hero for killing him after’ ::::translating::: more ‘tell him to get the fuck out of here or I will stop feeding him for the next two weeks’::::translating::: . Then the kid went back to bed and me and my buds had a good laugh. He apologized to me after he graduated.”
12. ‘Fuck off.’
“Finished up at a club one night at about 2 AM, was 22 at the time.
Was standing down the street from the club waiting for a cab with a friend, when we were approached by an ‘indigenous’ guy (Australia).
Held a knife up to my chest and was told to hand over cash and cigarettes (I didn’t / hadn’t been smoking—so that was weird).
Was so drunk I just laughed, pushed him away and told him to fuck off. He just sort of stood there dumbfounded for a second and then walked off, the friend I was with freaked out a bit but she eventually calmed down.
Woke up in the morning and was a little shell-shocked when I remembered what had happened.”
13. ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’
“At the time I worked at a grocery store as the closing manager, and on my way home at stopped at this shady was gas station just down the road from the store. I needed gas and was gonna grab a Rockstar for late-night gaming to take my mind off the shitty day I had just had. So here I am, cold as piss, pumping gas and waiting. Next thing I hear from behind me is: ‘Gimme your wallet, white boy!’ And I say aloud, ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ All I’m thinking is, How could my day get worse?
Fortunately for me, the owner of the station came out with a big-ass revolver and scared the guy away. Guy dropped his knife and boogied.
Tl;Dr: having had enough bullshit in my day almost made my mouth overload my ass and almost got me shanked.”
14. ‘C’mon guys, knock it off.’
“Was on a cruise at age 13, and I made friends with some older guys. Youngest was 17, older ones were early 20s. In hindsight, they were obviously up to no good, but being naïve and feeling cool as hell, I spent a lot of time hanging out with them, often late at night.
One night we were on the top deck at around 3 AM. Kota (the youngest and who I was closest to) was not there tonight. They were drunk and I was just tagging along (not drinking) and one guy decided it would be funny to draw on me with permanent marker. They closed me off, surrounding me so I couldn’t leave without jumping off the ship. They moved from drawing inappropriate things in visible places (forehead, neck) to drawing inappropriate things in not-so-appropriate places and began to lift my shirt. One picked me up because I was struggling. Lifted me over a railing. I just said, ‘C’mon guys, knock it off. Kota (the younger friend) would be really pissed if you guys do this’ one of them had a sudden moment of clarity and got me to be put down. He told me to go and I did. Never told anyone what really happened except for my girlfriend and a few close friends. God knows my family doesn’t know.”
15. ‘ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I GET FIRED AND NOW THIS WANNABE THUG ROBS ME, IS THIS SOME SORT OF FUCKING GAME TO YOU, GOD? DO YOU ENJOY MY TEARS, YOU SADISTIC FUCK?’
“I had a mental breakdown actually, so it was hardly talking. I was 15 at the time and I had just lost my shitty job at a local grocery store and I was walking home and I was still a bit on edge because I had to tell my parents that I was fired.
Basically, the street I was walking down connects to a side street full of less than nice people (it was the ghetto), and as I walk by a kid (who I found out later was a freshman at my school, which was a stupid move on his part) walks in front of me and pulls a pretty big knife out of his hoodie pouch and does the typical ‘Give me your money or I stab you’ routine. And I just remember this mixture of anger and sadness take over and I just started screaming. A tl;dr of it would be like ‘ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I GET FIRED AND NOW THIS WANNABE THUG ROBS ME, IS THIS SOME SORT OF FUCKING GAME TO YOU, GOD? DO YOU ENJOY MY TEARS, YOU SADISTIC FUCK?’ Then I pulled out my wallet and flung it at him, he opened it up and found an astonishing 0 dollars in it, dropped it, and then hauled ass. I just picked up my wallet and cried the rest of my way home.
Called the cops when I got home and they eventually found the kid after he robbed an old guy on his jog.”
16. ‘Dude, are you serious—seriously going to shoot me? For what? I haven’t got any money.’
“I was walking home late at night across town to pick up some medicine for my girlfriend (I don’t drive) and was walking down the main highway. I had music blasting in my ears and was completely zoned out for the entire walk until I saw a guy on a BMX bike with a backpack on the opposite side of the highway beeline right for me. He stopped his bike about five feet from me, unzipped his backpack, and reached in while saying,
‘I’m going to fucking kill you.’
He started to pull what looked like a paint can with a handle until I put my hands up and said ‘Dude, are you serious—seriously going to shoot me? For what? I haven’t got any money.’
At which point his eyes went wide and stuffed the weird metal thing into his bag and got out of phone. ‘Oh, fuck man I’m sorry! I thought you were this guy in a rival gang that beat up one of my buddies! Here let me show you on my phone…’
and he showed me what the rest of the metal thing was. It was a homemade gun that looked like it was made of pipes and was in the shape of a sub machine gun. I have no idea if it worked, or why he was going through the effort of unlocking his phone, scrolling through his entire gallery, just to show me the thing he almost killed me with.
Then he told me to have a nice night and to please not call the cops on him for almost killing me, then rode off.
Was a weird night.”
17. ‘I think you could but I wish you wouldn’t.’
“Was helping my boss move into a new house and after we finished we sat around and drank a few beers. Boss’ wife goes into the other room and comes out with a pistol and points it right between my eyes from 2-3 feet away and says, ‘Do you think I can’t shoot you?’ Now I know that there some Rambo types out there but as hard as I tried I couldn’t look down the barrel of that pistol—my eyes kept closing and it was hard to look straight at her face. I said, ‘I think you could but I wish you wouldn’t.’ She looked at me for a second then turned and emptied the gun by shooting up the room. 10 seconds later I was in my car and down the road. I quit of course and later I heard she went to the office with an automatic rifle and sprayed the place with bullets—no one was shot and I’m not sure what became of that crazy bitch. This was in Alabama in 1990 so probably not much.”