1. At my uncle’s funeral. My cousin looks really hot when she is crying. Yes. I’m going to hell.
“At my uncle’s funeral. My cousin looks really hot when she is crying. Yes. I’m going to hell.”
2. Giving a presentation in 8th grade. On Auschwitz. In sweatpants.
“Giving a presentation in 8th grade. On Auschwitz. In sweatpants. I got points off for facing the board the entire time. Better than the alternative.”
3. I was 12, and my grandma was dying in the hospital.
“I was 12, and my grandma was dying in the hospital. I was downstairs waiting for my dad, because he sent me out for some reason or another. And I’m struck with the most pants-straining erection I’ve ever had in my young life. Totally random, as is normal at that age. But I couldn’t sit fucking still.
I ended up going into a single, lockable bathroom and jerking into the toilet. Took me all of 45 seconds, but the shame has lasted ever since.
So that’s how I jerked off in the hospital while my grandma lay dying.”
4. Whilst my wife was giving birth to our firstborn.
“Whilst my wife was giving birth to our firstborn; still gets to me today.”
5. She smiled and then immediately started asking about the consistency of my bowel movements, which lowered the sails pretty immediately.
“I had an infection in my intestines a couple years ago, and had to go have a follow up with a gastroenterologist. The doctor was a very attractive young female, and during an exam had to undo my belt to better test for sensitivity. Well, an attractive woman undoing your belt is…exciting to your body. I could tell that she noticed it, and could tell that I was bright red from embarrassment. She smiled and then immediately started asking about the consistency of my bowel movements, which lowered the sails pretty immediately.”
6. Suddenly the class begins to laugh. As I look up I notice two things. I have a massive, hard-as-iron cock. And the film is now showing two gorillas fucking, hard.
“The year was 2006. I was a fresh-faced, bright eyed boy of 16. My only worries were school boners and crippling teenage depression. I was zoned out in science class, front row. It was dark and a film was playing. My thoughts drifted. I fantasized about putting my wiener into the beautiful girl who sat to my left.
Suddenly the class begins to laugh. As I look up I notice two things. I have a massive, hard-as-iron cock. And the film is now showing two gorillas fucking, hard. Then, the lights come on, class is over and everyone gets up to leave. Everyone but me. Because this bad boy is so hard that it cannot, nay, will not be tucked away it my waistband. It refuses to hide away in shame. And I, not wanting to be labelled a gorilla fucker, am forced to awkwardly fumble with papers until everyone leaves. I dare say that a select few unfortunate souls did glance over and witness the most unholy zipper buster they have ever seen, quickly turning away in disgust. And I, I was left red faced and shameful.”
7. Mourning wood.
“At a funeral………sigh, good old mourning wood.”
8. Had one on a packed train wearing basketball shorts.
“Had one on a packed train wearing basketball shorts once. I was scared I was going to poke the girl standing directly in front of me and she’d call me out publicly and I’d look like a perv.”
9. People still know me as the ‘machine gun boner guy.’
“When I was in high school, we had to do a presentation on something related to WWII. Most people chose stuff like Pearl Harbor or the Eastern Front, but I chose Nazi weapon technology.
My presentation itself was great. I had pics, visual effects, and a fuckton of info. However, just as I was explaining the MG42’s receiver, my little Hitler decided to give the class a hearty ‘Sieg Heil’. I never lived that down. People still know me as the ‘machine gun boner guy.’
TL;DR: Rise Of The Third Reich.”
10. During an ultrasound…of my scrotum.
“During an ultrasound…of my scrotum.”
11. Tried to make a friendly gesture towards an Islamic family at the airport, ended up showing them the tip of my boner.
“It’s still one of my most embarrassing moments and one that I often tell if the subject of inappropriate boners comes up. I was 15. We were driving to Heathrow airport in the England because we were going away for a family trip, and because it was about 6AM and we had left a couple hours ago, I was sleeping in the car. Now at this point in my life, I would 100% of the time wake up with morning wood so I got quite used to having a boner when I woke up. We arrived at the airport and I awoke being told that we had arrived and that I needed to get out of the car. Sweet, I thought, I’d slept the whole journey and was feeling refreshed. I quickly tucked my boner up into my trousers facing the sky like you do, and waited for my brother to exit before me. As my brother exits, he smiles at the Islamic family on the opposite side of the road who are unloading like we are. It’s good vibes, you can tell that both families are happy to be going away.
Then when it was my turn to exit the car, it happened. As I was hopping out, I’d seen that my brother had exchanged friendly glances with said Islamic family, and so I caught the eye of who seemed to be the father figure, and smiled. As I smiled, I stretched my arms upward and yawned a huge yawn, which felt great at the time – you know that first stretch as you get out of the car you’ve been in for ages. I even exaggerated the yawn as if saying to the guy I was smiling at “boy that was a long journey!”. His face changed dramatically after that and when I had finished stretching, he threw me one scowl and then carried on his business hurriedly, without looking back at me… I realized pretty much instantly what I had done.
I’d completely forgotten about the boner poking up through my trousers, so that when I yawned my T-Shirt raised up with my arms, and exposed the tip of my boner to him and his entire family. I’d made eye contact before and after with the father and smiled at him throughout, thinking I was being friendly, when in reality it looked like I was giving him creepy looks and showing him the tip of my boner. At the time I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Glad I have a boner-story to tell, though.
TL;DR: Tried to make a friendly gesture towards an Islamic family at the airport, ended up showing them the tip of my boner and grinning at them afterwards.”
12. I looked down to a full-fledged tent pitched in my hospital gown.
“After I had surgery I woke up to my hot nurse unhooking me from a bunch of medical shit and I looked down to a full-fledged tent pitched in my hospital gown. She laughed and said it happens more than you think.”
13. She was crying with her head on my lap and moved just right.
“My wife’s grandfather had committed suicide and she had just gotten the news she was crying with her head on my lap and moved just right.”
14. I’m wearing speedos. Turns out there’s not much you can do to hide that.
“I was 13 years old, puberty was giving me the works, Random Boners and all. Swim carnival. Entire school staring at me and 5 other kids. I’m wearing speedos. Turns out there’s not much you can do to hide that.”
15. Full-on glory of a throbbing raging boner in front of everyone.
“I was a competitive swimmer from when I was in like 3rd grade all the way up to when I was in high school. When I was younger we had swim meets, our ‘game’ day which included a lot of other teams from around the areas and we would have our races. Your typical swim meet.
Well as a competitive swimmer you wear a speedo. It is the typical brief-like underwear bathing suit that consisted of Lycra/Spandex material. Super awkward at first wearing them but you got used to it since everyone else was doing the same.
There was this big swim meet and for those who haven’t gone these things can sometimes span an entire weekend. So there is a lot of down time. You tend to hangout with your teammates and swimmers from the other teams that are about your age. My team was all hanging out by the team’s tent and generally just goofing around. Well there was this one girl Molly. She was on our team in my age group. Molly was one of those girls who ‘developed’ earlier than others. Definitely did not look her age at all. She had, in my young adolescent mind, a glorious set of tits. My situation was not aided by the fact that every girl my age all the way up to the 18-year-olds were wearing bathing suits. Booty cheeks and hard nipples everywhere.
Also at that age I wasn’t in tune with being conscious of having a boner. I was new to this thing. As I was waiting for my next race I was just enamored with the goddess of my young mind Molly doing her stretches. Completely lost to everything else besides the beauty in front of me. One of my buddies taps me on my shoulder and sorta giggles while looking at my crotch.
There I stood. Wearing a speedo. Covered by only the thin spandex material. Sporting one of the hardest and most throbbing erections of my life. One of those boners that is so hard that you can feel your pulse in the base of your dick. So there I am standing there. Full-on glory of a throbbing raging boner in front of everyone. In my speedo with my boner pushing so much against the material that you can easily make out every curve, crevice, and line.”
16. As I looked to the teacher I could see the hiding her embarrassed smile behind the book she had in hands.
“I was about 15, I was in a classroom. All of a sudden I get random boner. I was in sweatpants so it was pretty obvious.
Just as I realized, I hear my name called by the teacher, about 28 y/o blonde, to come before the blackboard and solve something. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t know what to do so I just ignored her. She calls me again and I got up with one hand in the pocket of my jacket hiding my boner from the rest of the class. Without anyone noticing I was in front of the blackboard. Solved the task, then as I looked to the teacher I could see the hiding her embarrassed smile behind the book she had in hands.
I will never forget her innocent face as she sent me back to my seat. Luckily nobody else figured out why I was acting weird.”
17. Apparently crying, vulnerable women is one of the things that gets me going.
“A female friend of mine was sobbing because she didn’t get into the college of her choice. Apparently crying, vulnerable women is one of the things that gets me going. You learn something new every day.”
18. I was hoping that whatever was wrong with me would just kill me right then and there.
“So, back when I was young (probably about 13 or so) I used to get a boner in my sixth period class literally every single day. It really wasn’t anything in particular that caused it. No cute girls in the class. No sexy thoughts. Just learning about government or whatever and then boom, boner trying to burst through the bottom of my desk. Looking back, I can only imagine that the anxiety of having a boner at that time of day would cause me to get a boner that time of day every time. My only hope was that it would subside before the bell rang.
One morning I had the terrible experience of waking up and pissing some blood. Not full-blown faucet of blood from my dick, but some here and there.
Had a doctor’s appointment an hour later and the doctor believed I might have a kidney stone or something. Doc made a call to a urologist and that afternoon I had an appointment.
At the urologist, they had to basically run an X-ray of my plumbing and see if there was some blockage or something. In order to do this, the two nurses had to put a catheter in me, pump some dye up into my bladder until I was full, then I was going to have to pee while they X-rayed my ding-a-ling. Getting a catheter in itself is something I hope I never have to experience again, but the feeling of having a few bags of fluid pumped up the wrong way was worse yet. Imagine the feeling of constantly peeing while you have a basketball inflating needle up your dick and having this go on for like… 20…maybe 30 minutes. Then my bladder is completely full and I have to hold it for a few minutes while they set up the X-ray basically pointed at my dong. On top of this, the room was pretty chilly and I’m standing there pretty much naked. They handed me a bedpan and told me that whenever I’m ready to go ahead and start peeing.
And then it I realized it was roughly sixth period.
I start peeing, and then suddenly my dick is getting hard and it’s just as difficult to control as it is with morning wood. I can’t grab my dick and direct it or my hand will be in the way. I can’t stop or they have to restart the test and these young nurses are here telling me that it’s okay and to keep going (I would have been laughing my ass off, but they were either really professional or they really wanted to not be staring at some 13-year-old’s dick any longer than they had to.) So I’m peeing for like…5 minutes straight and it’s not stopping. I fill up one bedpan and I guess they didn’t expect it because they had to rush to grab another. I keep going and a few minutes later I’m finally done.
So then I’m just standing there, fully erect, holding this bedpan of piss/this dye for like.. ten minutes while the nurses and doctor are doing whatever they’re doing and finally one of the nurses is like ‘oh, you can set that down and put your gown back on.”
I put the gown back on and finally my boner goes away. I was hoping that whatever was wrong with me would just kill me right then and there.
They didn’t even fully determine what the problem was and just sort of assumed it was a UTI. They put me on some antibiotics and the blood-pissing sorta tapered off over the next 48 hours.”
19. At the chiropractor while getting my back adjusted.
“At the chiropractor while getting my back adjusted…then time to flip over to get my neck adjusted. Not ideal.”
20. In a courtroom wearing a suit just before having to stand to allow the jury to leave for deliberations in a domestic-violence case.
“In a courtroom wearing a suit just before having to stand to allow the jury to leave for deliberations in a domestic-violence case.”
21. All the border guards were these gorgeous Chinese women in full military uniform.
“Woken up in the middle of the night for a very thorough luggage search while crossing the Kazakhstan-China border. I don’t speak either of the relevant languages, so struggled to explain the board game I was carrying. All the border guards were these gorgeous Chinese women in full military uniform. I guess that wasn’t really a random erection.”
22. While wearing just a towel after getting out of the shower at my friend’s shore house one summer.
“Got a NARB (no apparent reason boner) while wearing just a towel after getting out of the shower at my friend’s shore house one summer. Five dudes, one NARB. Classic.”
23. I did not have a blanket on and I am like 80% sure I dry-humped something.
“Red-eye flight right next to my boss. I drooled. I moaned. I woke up with throbbing morning wood. I did not have a blanket on and I am like 80% sure I dry-humped something. He pretended he slept. But we both knew.”
24. Choir class middle school singing right in front of the class.
“Choir class middle school singing right in front of the class.”
25. I sat and held her for a while, trying discreetly to be positioned in such a way that she wouldn’t notice my raging boner.
“A friend of mine had just experienced the death of one of her closest friends. She came over one morning just to talk and as soon as she came in the door she collapsed into my arms, crying. I sat and held her for a while, trying discreetly to be positioned in such a way that she wouldn’t notice my raging boner.
What the fuck, dick?”