1. ‘The Witch’s Kiss.’
“Sitting down in a public restroom and your dick touches any part of the toilet.”
2. ‘The Bat Wing.’
“Getting your balls stuck to your inner thighs sucks mightily. I call it ‘the bat wing’ and there is no discreet way to get rid of it.”
3. Urinary splashback.
“Approximately 20% of urinals seem like they were deliberately designed to splash you with your own piss.”
4. Testicular poker face.
“The feeling of hitting yourself in the balls and trying to act like nothing happened.”
5. The public scrotal pinch.
“Sitting down to a scrotum pinch when things aren’t arranged correctly. Cuz you can’t yelp in public, and really shouldn’t adjust in public.”
6. Finding dong-shielding swim trunks.
“Trying to find swim trunks that don’t outline your dong for the world to see.”
7. Testicular torsion.
“Honestly I think about testicular torsion waaaayyy too often. I had a friend who literally stepped out of the shower wrong and got twisted up somehow. Luckily he got it treated in time but just the fact that it can happen like that scares the shit out of me. It’s definitely one of my top 3 fears but even so I don’t bring it up because it sounds ridiculous.”
8. Trying to pee with morning wood.
“Trying to pee with morning wood. Found myself many times just standing there waiting for all the blood to rush out only for my body to keep the damn thing hard as a brick.”
9. Being expected to pee away all the poo specks in the toilet bowl.
“Not getting credit for cleaning all the poo specks in the toilet bowl with my stream of justice.”
10. Losing hair/going bald.
“Losing hair/going bald. I know guys are just meant to own it, but I like my hair and I’d like to have choice over my hairstyle.”
11. Urinary stream unpredictability.
“It is pretty much impossible to know which direction pee will go in until the stream starts. Sometime two streams come out, sometimes the stream veers to the left or right more than anyone could ever anticipate.
It is actually difficult to get all the pee inside the toilet.”
12. Unadorned ugliness.
“Not having something like makeup to hide my Picasso-esque face.”
13. Penile insecurity.
“Being insecure about a tiny penis.”
14. Surprise boners.
15. Getting your genitals caught in a zipper.
“Zipping up is sometimes a dangerous game.”
16. Compulsory masturbation.
“The need to masturbate randomly and if you don’t you can’t think about anything other than your dick’s needs for the next hour then repeat 2-9 times a day.”
17. Being short when they want tall.
“Being short when they want tall. Getting a bald spot in your early 30’s. Feeling like you have little to nothing to offer the opposite sex that they couldn’t get much better from someone else. I feel like I’m George Constanza these days.”
18. Getting pubes caught in your foreskin.
“The problems associated with having foreskin on a body part that is constantly changing in shape and size. If you don’t keep your pubes trimmed, they’ll roll up inside there and get caught, which is exceedingly uncomfortable.”
19. The pain of getting kicked in the balls.
“Getting kicked in the balls. I say this because I don’t think women understand just how much it hurts.”
20. Accidentally peeing all over the floor.
“Peeing while sitting down as a man and the stream goes between the seat and the toilet and gets all over the floor.”
21. Sitting atop thine testicles.
“Sitting atop thine testicles is probably the worst part of being a man in my opinion.
Well honestly… having testicles in general.
Riding roller coasters, hitting a pot hole while driving a motorcycle, playing sports, etc. can be absolutely frightening sometimes.
And what do our testes do to repay the kindness of putting up with their nonsense? They get cancer.”
22. Having a fleshy bag with two extremely tender walnuts between your legs.
“We have a fleshy bag with two extremely tender walnuts between our legs. ‘Manspreading’ is us trying to fucking breath and not play crack the nuts inside the sweaty stinky bag.
Also, our balls emit heat, so the ball sack sticks places you dont want it to stick.”
23. Accidental urethral plugging.
“Not knowing that your dick hole has decided to stick closed in the middle and you spray pee half in the toilet and half on the towels behind you.”
24. The post-piss pee dribble.
“Pee dribbling down your leg after taking a leak. It doesn’t matter how goddamn much you shake it, there’s always that last fucking droplet just hanging on waiting for your to zip up.”
25. The post-zip piss squirt.
“That little squirt of piss after I zip up. Seriously, so fucking annoying. I’ll shake like 20 times, put it away, then another couple drops come out. I feel like that wet spot stands out a mile away.”
26. Wiping your hairy man-ass.
“Wiping your ass fuckin’ suuuuucks as a hairy dude.”
27. The dangers of sleeping on your own genitals.
“Having to make sure your dick is laying correct when you go sleep.”
28. Being a grower, not a shower.
“Being a grower not a shower is a real thing. I go from girls giggling at me to telling me were going to have to take it easy.”
29. Having testicles in general.
“Having testicles. There’s just no upside. They’re ugly. They’re vulnerable. They’re often itchy, sweaty or otherwise uncomfortable. They don’t contribute to sex or give any real pleasure. They should be tucked up inside neatly like ovaries are. But NOOOO for some reason sperm just can handle body heat. git gud, sperm!”
30. The unscratchable ball-sack itch.
“That itch you get inside your ball sack that is unscratchable.”