1. It’s like having a parasite that sucks blood from your brain, causing you to make really bad decisions.
“It’s like having a parasite that sucks blood from your brain, causing you to make really bad decisions.”
2. It never listens to you.
“When you’re younger it has a mind of its own and won’t listen to you.
When you’re older it no longer has a mind of its own and still won’t listen to you.”
3. Unwanted boners.
“Unwanted boners. Whether it’s from my mind wandering, or just a spontaneous one at the worst time, it’s always uncomfortable.”
4. The ‘Devil’s Kiss.’
“When it touches inside of the toilet bowl/water.”
5. Erectile dysfunction.
“Definitely erectile dysfunction. Having a dick that doesn’t work when you want it to is incredibly frustrating for me and my SO.”
6. It’s like keeping your ovaries in a fanny pack.
“Your reproductive organs just sit on the outside of your body. It’s like keeping your ovaries in a fanny pack.”
7. No matter how you shake or dance, the last drop always falls in your pants.
“When you pee and are finished. You put it away, zip up, and begin to button your pants. Then a dribble comes out and you now have wet stinky underwear for the rest of the day. Fuckin’ hate it.”
8. The feeling of being stuck with something almost nobody wants but me.
“One of the most terrible things about having a penis is the feeling of being stuck with something almost nobody wants but me.”
9. The disproportionate amount of brain power it has used for most of my life.
“The disproportionate amount of brain power it has used for most of my life.”
10. Summer heat. It’s like having a half-stuffed miniature leather couch between your legs.
“Summer heat. It’s like having a half-stuffed miniature leather couch between your legs…especially if it’s humid.”
11. Post-ejaculation split-stream urination.
“After ejaculating you can sometimes get two streams or just a messy stream when peeing which makes aiming really hard.”
12. Accidentally peeing through the crack between the toilet seat and the toilet while sitting on the toilet with a boner.
“Accidentally peeing through the crack between the toilet seat and the toilet while sitting on the toilet with a boner.”
13. Morning wood before you need to wake up.
“Morning wood before you need to wake up. When the alarm is less than an hour away but you can’t get comfortable because the mast has decided to raise itself for its own reasons. Then you roll around and get excited from rubbing on the covers.”
14. It sticking to the side of your leg in hot-humid weather.
“It sticking to the side of your leg in hot-humid weather. No real way to NOT make it look obvious that you are trying to un-stick your dick from your leg in public.”
15. Testicular torsion.
“Testicular torsion. I’ve never had it, but the prospect of it terrifies me. It’s when your testicles and all their wiring get tangled up, if I were to explain it in layman’s terms. It can cause inflammation and potential loss of testicle(s)!”
16. It feels very uncomfortable when it’s not hanging to the correct side.
“It feels very uncomfortable when it’s not hanging to the correct side. Every guy has a preferred side.”
17. Accidentally sitting on your balls.
“I sometimes sit on my balls….”
18. The drunker you get, the more you want to use it and the harder it becomes to use.
“The drunker you get, the more you want to use it and the harder it becomes to use.”
19. The possibility of breaking it.
“The possibility of breaking it, and yes that’s unfortunately a real thing. I’ve seen the photos. I never want it to happen to me.”
20. Sometimes it keeps adjusting itself uncomfortably in public so you literally have to grab it and move.
Sometimes it keeps adjusting itself uncomfortably in public so you literally have to grab it and move it, sometimes obviously.
“When you just held your piss through a three-hour movie or car ride, you rush to the bathroom for that sweet release, and find you can’t go. No problem, no sweat, it’ll come in just a second. Then a guy walks in. Then two more. Then fice more. Suddenly all that movement and noise and commotion tightens your urethra up like a body builder flexing. The pain in your bladder is building. Your heart is pounding. You just want some peaceful silence to do your thing. But you can’t. So you stand there awkwardly, trying to pretend like you just have a really long piss. Looking around casually like nothing is wrong. Maybe for good measure you grunt a little or shake it a little. Suddenly everyone is gone and you feel the little river become a raging torrent. Ah, sweet, sweet heaven.”
22. It seems that it’s in charge of me for most of my day.
“It seems that it’s in charge of me for most of my day. I drive by a woman, and I need to check her out. I see a NSFW link, I have to resist clicking it to avoid falling down the rabbit hole of spending hours looking at ever increasingly bizarre pornography. How do the rest of you deal with this shit? It seems to get worse over time.”
23. The constant need to masturbate/release.
“The constant need to masturbate/release. I don’t want to feel the desire to rub one out 5+ times a day. I’d love nothing more than to be able to focus on my daily tasks with the attention that they deserve…but something as simple as seeing a shapely woman in a flattering outfit can often easily overwhelm and turn us into horny humanoids with tunnel vision and but one thing on our minds. It’s a burden really. What I would give to be able to turn that switch off. Masturbation doesn’t help, either…it might put those feelings off for 10 minutes and then it’s back to more of the same if we see something ‘triggering.’
We don’t want to be these horny creatures who can’t stop thinking about sex, but many of us struggle to keep these thoughts out of our minds.”
24. Getting the ‘dick fade’ on your jeans.
“For some reason the dye on my new Levi’s jeans wore off super quick where my dick goes so I got this dick fade and now I have to go buy new pants.”
25. Blue balls. It’s a real thing. And it hurts like nothing I’ve felt before.
“Blue balls. It’s a real thing. And it hurts like nothing I’ve felt before. I’ve had kidney stones before so I’d say it was similar to that and just as alarming.
Apparently you’re supposed to masturbate to get rid of it. But honestly, it’s the last thing you want to do when you’re in that type of pain.”
26. Getting accused of being a piece of shit sexist manspreading asshole when I just want to sit comfortably.
“Getting accused of being a piece of shit sexist manspreading asshole when I just want to sit comfortably not crushing my junk while still doing my best to not take up other people’s space in public. Fuck you BuzzFeed.”
27. Being persecuted by feminists for being born with one.
“Being persecuted by feminists for being born with one.”
28. Being told it’s the reason I got ahead in life.
“Being told it’s the reason I got ahead in life.”
29. Refractory period.
“Refractory period. I want more pleasure and it’s just like, ‘nah brah, that ain’t happening, lemme rest a while.’”
30. Involuntary erections; involuntary erectile dysfunction.
“Sometimes it gets hard when you don’t want it to.
Sometimes it won’t get hard when you want it to.”
31. Always being conscious of how visible the damn thing is.
“Always being conscious of how visible the damn thing is. Seems every time I look away it tries to make suggestive supple ridges in my jeans. That, and the last drop never failing to go into my pants.”