44 Signs That Someone Has NO Idea What They’re Doing In Bed

23. When they insert their nose into your vagina.

“A guy once told me he definitely wasn’t a virgin and I was kind of on board until he went down on me and inserted his nose into my vagina and asked if I’d cum yet.”

WellWhyTheFudgeNot


24. When they can’t tell the difference between a vagina and an anus.

“Religious friends were newly married and having trouble getting pregnant. Lots of doctor visits and two months later found that they were doing anal.”

ThisLookInfectedToYa


25. When they have no idea where to put their hands, so they just lay them at their sides.

“When they have no idea where to put their hands, so they just lay them at their sides. Known as the dead fish. Awful.”

JeffBuckleysGhost


26. When they ignore your feedback.

“Ignoring my feedback instead of listening to what I have to say. I promise you, champ, you don’t know my body better than me and acting like you do makes you look like an insecure jerk.”

starryduchess


27. When they think vaginas are in the front.

“We started making out and groping and he puts his hand down my pants. He starts feeling around the front of my crotch (directly below my stomach) for a bit until I tell him, ‘Move your hand lower.’ He immediately goes bright red and says ‘I thought vaginas were in the front.’”

louloulouise


28. When they try for an hour and still can’t figure out how to take off your bra.

“I went to Orlando with 3 friends to go to Universal and hang out during Spring Break when I was 22.

Over the weekend 2 Japanese girls were staying in the room next door, with what I believe was their host parents. Somehow one of my friends met and convinced the 2 girls to come hang out in our room where we were watching a movie and had some liquor and beer.

One of the girls started talking to me, and we ended up taking a walk around the block of the hotel to get away from the noise. We hit it off, and made out a bit on a bench, and decided to head back to the hotel room.

When we got there one of my friends was passed out on the floor, and my other friend and the other girl were half naked making out on the bed. So the girl I was with said her chaperones were out to dinner and wouldn’t be back for a while so her room was empty.

We went back there and started making out, and we started to undress each other. I fumbled taking her bra off for what felt like an hour, but was only really a minute or two. She pushed my hand away and kind of laughed at me. I smiled thinking my fumbling was cute.

But nope! The failure to preform one simple foreplay task got her to put her shirt back on and tell me she had to be up early in the morning. They left the next day.”

cr3t1n


29. When they mistake pre-cum for semen.

“So my last GF was a virgin. No big deal, I said I respected that and I did. All I asked was that she never put the offer on the table unless she was serious.

Long story short, she started throwing stuff around like it was gonna go down. Pretty much all she did was put her hand down my pants and do maybe 3 half strokes. There was a little pre-cum and she’s like ‘wow you came a lot.’ She was still a virgin when we broke up.

Karms_burning


30. When they keep asking ‘Did you cum?’ during sex.

“Probably myself. I remember being 15 and having my first girlfriend, looking back on the things I did back then still give me shivers down my spine. One time in particular, I remember being at her parents’ house trying to ‘sneak’ in a little sexy time. So to set the scene, her dad was a big guy, about 6ft 3 and 295 lbs. On top of that he was an ‘ex’ Hell’s Angels biker and works at (or owned: I’m not sure which) an anger management place. his house locked up like Fort Knox, he had cameras all over the property, thick bars over every window and door, and instead of a regular garage door he had a thick steel bared roll gate. He was basically scary beyond all reason.

Anyways, being the dumb teen I was we started making out and I ended up putting her up against a wall. The wall was in the living room and had two entrances. It was perfect because as long as I kept my head in a swivel I could lean over the wall and check to see if anyone was coming. I pulled her pants down half way and began vigorously finger banging her. She did was any normal 15-year-old would do, she acted like she enjoyed it. While doing this, I would constantly sway left and right looking for her dad to make sure he wasn’t coming and every 10 seconds I would look up at her and ask ‘did you cum,’ ‘did you cum,’ ‘did you cum.’

It must have been the most annoying and unpleasant experience for her. She ended up cheating on me which made me hate her for a long time. Then when I grew older and realized what I had done to that poor girl, all while thinking I was a stud, I couldn’t blame her. I would have cheated on me too.

Maybe this was too much info, but I’m sure more people out there remember doing similar things.”

ElkcState


31. When they don’t realize that ‘cuddling’ for six hours means you want to have sex.

“Girl invited me over at 11:00PM to watch movies. Drove over and we made out and cuddled until 5:00AM. Afterwards she told me she saw me more as a friend and we stopped hanging out.

I feel like such an idiot that I didn’t see that she wanted do the sex, and I could’ve gotten some o dat.”

420_E-SportsMasta


32. When they literally blow on you.

“I asked a girl to blow me….she blew on me.”

PmMeGiftCardCodes


33. When they give you a handjob like they’re trying to control a crashing helicopter.

“One of my first girlfriends gave me a handjob that was like she was trying to control a crashing helicopter. It was terrible. I went soft in the middle. We broke up shortly after.”

JellyKaques


34. When they rub your vagina like they’re sanding a block of wood.

“He rubbed my vagina like he was sanding a block of wood. I was so fuck raw after that shit.”

catmeowntain


35. When they’re completely unaware of the male orgasmic refractory period.

“First time having sex and I went down on a guy like right after he came. He kind of laughed and was like ‘umm, nothing is going to happen for a while.’”

Ladessous


36. When they just grab your and don’t realize they’re supposed to pump.

“Once had a chick just grab my dick. As in, that was my hand job. Just a firm ol’ grab of the shaft.

Another time, another person (two times this happened actually) – Just fucking laid there. No movements, no fucking initiative to put any effort into these physical activities whatsoever. To extend on one of the people, I tried to get her on top. For goddamn fucking fuck’s sake…. At that point, I just accepted I can at least get laid.

Pro tip—Don’t go after Air Force chicks, they’re weird.”

zxaio


37. When they fall out, don’t notice, and just keep thrusting.

“Dude fell out, never even noticed. No pause to adjust, just kept thrusting.”

SnarkyLostLoser


38. When they try to plug your dick hole while you’re cumming to keep the semen from spurting out.

“She was a virgin but I didn’t expect this bit actually.

She gave me a handjob, I basically taught her how I liked it, grip, strokes and so on.

Went absolutely fine tbh, she did well enough was quite into it. So… I Cum and well… she freaks out and thumbed over the hole to stop it coming out.

I had to quickly stop her doing that and point out its supposed to fucking do that and y’know it’s probably not a good idea to block my dick hole. -.-

It was funny looking back but not at the time. Ended up dating her for a few years.”

RVallant


39. When they dart their tongue in and out like a lizard during kissing.

“We would make out and he would dart his tongue in and out like a lizard. He had a girlfriend before me so I thought I was in safe territory but apparently he was never corrected on his kissing technique.”

neish


40. When they think ‘69’ means you put 69% of your penis in.

“Not me but a friend.

Group of young teens were all standing around talking about sex. My friend, we’ll call him Jim-Bob, is 14 at this point, a virgin, and totally clueless about sex.

Everyone is boasting about their sexual exploits. ‘I TOTALLY got a blow job!’ ‘I saw her boobs!’ ‘He was so big!’ etc. Typical teen sex talk.

The topic of 69ing comes up. Jim-Bob has no idea what 69ing is but doesn’t want to seem ignorant. So he decides to bluff. ‘Oh, yeah. I just…Love being with a chick and….Giving…Her the ol’ 69.’

Everyone looks at him and he looks back. ‘You don’t know what 69ing is do you?’ ‘What? Pfffff….Of course I do. Come on guys. Obviously I know what—’ ‘What is it then?’ ‘It’s…uh…when you…only stick 69% of your penis in.”

Laughs ensue.”

JackReaper333


41. When they donkey-punch your balls during a handjob.

“How is ‘the overly vigorous handjob’ not posted yet?

She literally tried so hard giving me a handjob because she wasn’t very good at it yet that she punched me in the balls every stroke. at one point she asks me ‘how is it?’ I answer, excruciatingly painful, but I might be able to finish anyway eventually.

I mean, she was getting there, despite the donkey punching.”

icanshitposttoo


42. When they think cumming and having an orgasm are two different things.

“I said I was gonna cum—my girlfriend at the time (20yo) said she’d rather make me orgasm.”

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