1. Guy came into the shop and asked for a bigger dick to be tattooed on his dick.
“Guy came into the shop and asked for a bigger dick to be tattooed on his dick.”
2. ‘Pussy, it’s what’s for dinner’ on her pelvis.
“A woman came in on her 21st birthday and asked the only female artist we had that night to tattoo ‘pussy, it’s what’s for dinner’ on her pelvis. Paid Up front and everything. Obviously she was plastered.”
3. ‘Money makes me squirt’ on her lower back with stacks of dollar bills and squirt emojis.
“This lady came in and wanted ‘Money makes me squirt’ on her lower back with stacks of dollar bills and squirt emojis. I think she was a stripper.”
4. A smelly guy who had ‘balls deep’ tattooed on his balls.
“Also, I worked with a guy who had ‘balls deep’ tattooed on his balls… And he was the grossest, missing teeth, stinking redneck ever… not someone who’s balls you would want to think of.”
5. ‘CUNT’ in gangster lettering on a girl’s stomach.
“Years back, when we were roommates fresh out of high school, an ex friend of mine had ‘CUNT’ in gangster-style lettering tattooed on her stomach. She’s since gotten married and had two kids. Insert on-the-nose joke about why she’s now my ex-friend here.”
6. Daffy Duck hanging by a bungee cord from a guy’s dick.
“A guy came in wanting Daffy Duck upside down on upper inner thigh. He came in a week later and added a bungee cord to Daffy’s ankle going up to his dick. I made my female friend do that part.”
7. The guy wanted all the names of his friends tattooed on his ass cheeks. thirteen names on each cheek.
“Last year, while doing a guest spot in Portugal, I had a guy come in while he was on holiday for his stag party. The guy wanted all the names of his friends tattooed on his ass cheeks. thirteen names on each cheek, and three of his mates wanted to sign their own names…sure buddy…sure hahahaha.”
8. A rooster hanging from a noose so he could prove he had ‘a cock that hangs past his knee.’
“A guy came into a shop I was in Florida and asked for a rooster hanging from a noose. He put it on his calf. He did it so he could prove that he had ‘a cock that hangs past his knee.’”
9. Had a guy come in with his office friends once asking for a tattoo of a baby being birthed from his ass.
“Had a guy come in with his office friends once asking for a tattoo of a baby being birthed from his ass. Apparently it was part of a bet or something. I don’t know but I was willing to do it, although hesitant. Luckily at the last minute they changed it to a picture of a dog on his ass. I couldn’t imagine what that guy’s life would’ve been like if they had kept to the first request.”
10. She wanted the name of her prison pen pal tattooed on his lower back.
“I actually refused to do this one—an 18-year-old girl came in wanting her boyfriend’s name on her lower back. She had never met him—she was his prison pen pal for a month, and he was being released in a couple weeks and she wanted to get it to surprise him. No judgements on ex-cons or 18-year-old girls, but I got the impression the relationship wasn’t going to last!”
11. A portrait of his girlfriend’s duck face Snapchat selfie.
“Dude came in and asked me to tattoo a portrait of his girlfriend. Only the portrait was a duck face Snapchat selfie. I jokingly suggested adding her holding the phone, taking the selfie, but he thought it was a great idea. They’ve only been dating six months and he didn’t tell her he was going to get it. He came back a month later to add her name above it.”
12. I tattooed FUCK on a woman’s hip.
“I tattooed FUCK on a woman’s hip. She still loves it, but it makes me really uncomfortable when I think about her at the beach. I also had a friend want me to tattoo his girlfriend’s name in Old English on his arm. I said no girlfriends. He was mad, because I was his friend and should do it. I said that’s exactly WHY I wouldn’t do it. If they don’t last, I’m still his friend. It’s incredibly hard to tell someone you won’t do their tattoo, because their relationship might not last. Newsflash: He got our competitor to do the tattoo. Breaking News: they aren’t together anymore. Another guy, when I first started out, wanted to get the Nazi Hunter image. It’s a cartoon guy clubbing a swastika. Even though it’s an anti-racism image, he still would have looked like he had a giant swastika on his chest from 10 feet away and would spend the rest of his life explaining it. I decided to not do the tattoo.”
13. A tuxedo on his shlong.
“Guy came into the shop I work at wanting a cover-up of a previous regrettable tattoo. Pretty normal until he casually mentioned it’s on his dick, and it’s a red rocket. None of the dudes in the shop wanted to cover it up or even see it, only person who stepped up was one of the female artists. She was like, ‘I don’t think I have a dick tattoo for my portfolio, so fuck it, let’s cover it up.’ The only possible way to cover it up was the add so much black work, so she freehand drew a tuxedo onto his shlong. Dude ended up with a dapper dick and he was happy with it. Weirdest day at work ever.
To everyone asking on how she tattooed it, she had him pull his dick up to stretch the skin, and pull it back down to keep the skin tight.”
14. Scooby Doo and Shaggy on a guy’s bum cheeks.
“We had this lovely exchange student come into the studio for about a year to get all sorts of piercings and then the day finally came that he turned 18. So I asked to sit down and a chat with him about what he wanted. Now the way he asked me made me think that it was going to be this big elaborate design. He asked for a math equation on his foot. He wanted 3+4=8. I cautiously asked that he knew that was the incorrect answer to the equation. His response was ‘Oh yeah I know, I just think it’d make a funny tattoo.’ So yeah.
That and another time I tattooed Scooby Doo and Shaggy on a guy’s bum cheeks.”
15. A picture of Monica Lewinsky on his lower stomach.
“Some guy came in and told me he wanted a picture of Monica Lewinsky on his lower stomach—I swear to god that guy is regretting it rn.”
16. Guy came in and asked for a bottle of sriracha with little wings tatted on his back.
“Guy came in and asked for a bottle of sriracha with little wings tatted on his back.”
17. A mother brought in her fourteen-year-old to get vampire bites tattooed on her neck.
“During the Twilight craze. A mother brought in her fourteen-year-old to get vampire bites tattooed on her neck. Little holes with blood streaming down. We refused and they got pissy. A few years later I saw that girl in public, she must have gone to a shitty shop. She had two quarter-sized black dots with red strings all the way down her stupid neck.”
18. She wanted ‘Fuck It’ on the inside of her lower lip.
“She wanted ‘Fuck It’ on the inside of her lower lip.”
19. ‘Adidas’ on his dick, but it reads ‘Aids’ when he’s soft.
“Story time. I have 24 tattoos so I’ve heard lots of great stories but the best is this one. Guy loses a bet so he has to get ‘Adidas’ tattooed on his dick. So the artist does the tattoo and after two weeks it’s all healed and the guy comes back into the shop furious. The artist that did the tattoo asks him if it didn’t heal right or something and the guy said it healed fine. But whenever his dick got soft it spells ‘Aids.’”
20. A stick of butter with wings attached (a butterfly).
“I once tattooed a stick of butter with wings attached (a butterfly). It was dumb, but fun.”
21. The tat was on his big, big beer gut, with a happy faced baby coming out of a vagina.
“Once knew a guy who celebrated the birth of his child with a tattoo. The tat was on his big, big beer gut, with a happy faced baby coming out of a vagina. He had them make his navel look like the clit and then had it pierced. As you can imagine he had to convince someone how much he wanted this.”
22. A lady came in and got a ‘portrait’ of her horse’s ass.
“I have three to share with you guys: 1) A lady came in and got a ‘portrait’ of her horse’s ass (she had a photo of her horse’s rear end)—because she said she was called a ‘horse’s ass’ by her friends…classy 2) Another lady came in and got an oversized tat on her shoulder of some lips with the caption ‘Million Dollar Mouth’ below the lips 3) Another ‘lady’ came in and asked for a tat that looked like an official ‘USDA Grade ‘A’ Beef’ stamp on her ass…we’ll just say it should have said ‘Grade ‘D’ Beef’ as she would not have met Grade ‘A’ standards.”
23. Mother and son getting matching Insane Clown Posse ‘Hatchet Man’ tats.
“Worked tattooing for a short time in a small rural town. My first tattoo that I worked on solo was a cartoon turtle hitting a bong riding a giant pot leaf. Then I got to help with a mother and son getting matching ICP hatchet man tattoos. A couple other disheartening tattoos and a drama-filled work environment later and I was out.”
24. Hitler with Holocaust victims spilling out of his intestines.
“Hyper-realistic Hitler portrait, holding his coat open to reveal his ribs exposed with his intestines falling out, until you look closer and realize the intestines are the emaciated bodies of Holocaust victims. I didn’t do it, but an artist at the shop I work at did.”