Thought Catalog

47 People Share The WORST Sex Advice They’ve Ever Heard

  • 0
 Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz
Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz
Found on AskReddit.

1. ‘Slip LSD into her asshole during sex.’

“Guy once told me to find some acid/LSD and have sex doggy style and then slip the acid in her asshole. The desired result was for her ‘to think my dick was so amazing she was hallucinating’…pretty sure that’s rape.”

timtimay


2. ‘Bite the bean.’

“The literal worst: ‘Bite the bean.’”

Plz_Pm_Me_Cute_Fish


3. ‘Pull anal beads out like you’re starting a lawnmower.’

“Pull anal beads out like you’re starting a lawnmower.”

okay_sky


4. ‘Use butter as lube.’

“Butter as lube. No thanks, I don’t want anything dairy near my bits.”

SubDee54


5. ‘All girls love it when you spit on their foreheads.’

“A virgin friend who thought that he was somehow a sexpert told me that all girls love it when you spit on their foreheads. Specifically on the forehead.”

8-tentacles


6. ‘Top ramen sauce can double as birth control.’

“Top ramen sauce can double as birth control by absorbing the sperm.”

NoneApplicable


7. ‘If you do jumping jacks after sex, you won’t get pregnant.’

“‘If you do jumping jacks after sex, you won’t get pregnant.’”

teenytinycanape


8. ‘It’s not cheating if it’s anal.’

“‘It’s not cheating if it’s anal.’”

lostpasswordnoemail


9. ‘Use plenty of teeth.’

“Use plenty of teeth, blokes love teeth, it drives them crazy.”

Tokenvoice


10. ‘After you cum, just let a little pee out. It acts as a spermicide.’

“You don’t need a condom. After you cum, just let a little pee out. It acts as a spermicide.”

alphasquid


11. ‘You only become pregnant if you both finish at the same time.’

“You only become pregnant if you both finish at the same time.”

cheekahrah


12. ‘Twist the head.’

“Twist the head.”

6cldcs


13. ‘Masturbate in front of him using a popsicle.’

“Masturbate in front of him using a popsicle and then ‘invite him to fuck your shockingly icy pussy.’”

Grave_Girl


14. ‘Just stick it inside her and pee.’

“‘It’s simple. Just stick it inside her and pee.’”

BaftyCrastards


15. ‘If a guy sucks your dick you gotta suck his dick back to un-do the gayness.’

“If a guy sucks your dick you gotta suck his dick back to un-do the gayness.”

Khogewerf


16. ‘Putting Deep Heat on your cock and balls works like Viagra.’

“A mate of mine once told me that putting Deep Heat on your cock and balls worked like Viagra. Apparently that was a piece of advice his father in law had given him, and he hadn’t figured out that it was actually a really painful practical joke.”

ThatOtherBatman


17. ‘Dip your balls in a mug of hot water to kill all the sperm.’

“From the high school locker room:

Dip your balls in a mug of hot water to kill all the sperm. Then she can’t get pregnant.

You should see the Facebook profiles now. Lot of trailers, crosses on the walls, and unhappy faces.”

MentalUproar


18. ‘If you pull out 3/4 of the way, she won’t get pregnant.’

“My brother-in-law once told me he believed that if you pull out 3/4 of the way, it won’t make it all the way up and she won’t get pregnant. Seriously. He is the semi-proud father of two kids, both before age 22.”

redveinlover


19. ‘If you get HIV, you can just take some pills and you’ll be fine.’

“You see this a lot in the gay community, especially around younger guys born after the triple cocktail:

‘If you get HIV, you can just take some pills and you’ll be fine. Sex without a condom is SO much better.’

First, there’s the obvious ‘there’s more STDs than just AIDS.’ And then there’s the fact that the triple cocktail is expensive. Thirdly, even with the triple cocktail you still carry it (even if your viral load is imperceptible) and so every partner you have afterwards is at risk and if you plan on just not telling them, then you’re an awful human being.”

marisachan


20. ‘Squirt some cola or Sprite up your snatch before he goes down on you.’

“I remember when I was 16-17 yo, a friend’s mom recommended that if you use a little cola or Sprite up the snatch before a gentleman friend comes around, it’d make him going down on you ‘better’…even at that age all I could think to myself was, ‘this is how yeast infections start.’”

la_perla_negra


21. ‘If the girl’s on top and you finish in her, gravity will prevent her from getting pregnant.’

“Double-wrap condoms for twice the safety.

If the girl’s on top and you finish in her, gravity will prevent her from getting pregnant.

Just be yourself, girls will love you.

If you rinse out a vagina with a turkey baster after unprotected sex, pregnancy prevention increases by 98%.”

Djbrr


22. ‘It’s lower than you think.’

“‘It’s lower than you think.’

Turns out my initial assessment was pretty spot-on.”

Dodger944


23. ‘Guys like the ol’ finger up the ass.’

“That most to all guys like the ol’ finger up the ass. It’s very unwelcome in most cases, especially if you don’t warn them.”

gingeralee


24. ‘You can let a guy cum inside you and stand to let it drain out afterwards.’

“That you can let a guy cum inside you and stand to let it drain out afterwards. Needless to say, that girl now has a two-year-old at age 20.”

FanAlmighty


25. ‘Just lay there. He can do all the work.’

“Don’t worry! Just lay there. He can do all the work. He’ll be happy—sorry. No. Sex is a two-way street.”

mayplo


26. ‘Have a tactical wank beforehand, it’ll make you last longer.’

“Have a tactical wank beforehand, it’ll make you last longer…if by longer meaning not being able to get it up, then sure!”

neobaku


27. ‘Shove a finger up each other’s ass during sex.’

“Me and my then girlfriend were trying to save a relationship with kinky stuff. We read mags and one of them suggested shoving a digit up each other’s ass during sex would heighten the experience.

Not only did I not enjoy the umm ‘sensation,’ my girlfriend thought my clenching and grunting as a sign that I liked it and pushed deeper, in the ensuing chaos of me physically throwing her off me, he false nail broke off.

Frightened it was in my ass we went to the emergency room for X-rays and an examination. When we got home we found it in the bed.

Broke up shortly after that.”

KingOfScrubs


28. ‘Hold a woman face-down into a pillow while fucking her so she couldn’t breathe or scream.’

“One of my male friends advised another guy to always hold a woman face-down into a pillow while fucking her so she couldn’t breathe or scream ‘because bitches love that.’”

literatelush


29. ‘Use peppermint toothpaste during head.’

“Using peppermint toothpaste when getting/receiving head…”

Slurpski13


30. ‘Squeeze a honey packet into a girl’s vagina.’

“A coworker while eating a biscuit from Hardee’s told me to try squeezing one of their honey packets into my girl’s vagina because you can lick for hours and you’ll never lick all the honey out.”

mccartney815


31. ‘Smoking marijuana works as a natural birth control.’

“‘Smoking marijuana works as a natural birth control.’”

crazycatlady_97


32. ‘You need to have sex with her at least five times before she can become pregnant.’

“You need to have sex with her at least five times before she can become pregnant.”

insideoutcollar


33. ‘It can’t be too big just shove it in.’

“‘It will fit,’ they said. ‘It can’t be too big just shove it in,’ they said. She bled for the next 3 days.”

Smurved


34. ‘Get with a church girl.’

“‘Get with a church girl. All church girls are gagging for it.’

Needless to say I never took any dating advice from that guy again.”

PM_me_ur_navel_girl


35. ‘If she’s on top she can’t get pregnant.’

“‘If she’s on top she can’t get pregnant, it’s called gravity, duh.’”

UTHESHOW


36. ‘The hot-sauce-between-two-condoms trick.’

“Heard this one in the Marines. ‘If you’re hard up, and find yourself to bang a girl you suspect has an STD, double bag your shit, and squeeze out a hot sauce packet onto your member after putting the first condom on. Now put on the second condom and do your thing. If the outside condom breaks, you’ll find out in a hurry.’”

slappyhooper


37. ‘Don’t worry if she says no.’

“‘Don’t worry if she says “no”; they all say that.’”

Tall_Mickey


38. ‘Put the balls in for full effect.’

“Put the balls in for full effect.”

AnonymousAdam555


39. ‘Stick your finger up a girl’s ass to massage her prostate.’

“A high-school friend of mine told me to stick your finger up a girl’s ass to massage her prostate.”

Good2Go5280


40. ‘“Anal will make you go blind.’

“Anal will make you go blind. A senior told me this during first period on my first day of freshman year in high school. Apparently her friend was thinking of giving up her butt cherry and she decided to include me in this teaching moment.”

duckyblinders


41. ‘Put hot sauce on your butthole to keep an erection.’

“Put hot sauce on your butthole to keep an erection.”

partyLIKitsURbirfday


42. ‘You can’t get pregnant in the shower.’

“I’ve got some good ones from my mom. She’s a neonatal nurse, so she knows all the bad advice people told the parents of her patients.

You can’t get pregnant in the shower.

You can’t get pregnant standing up.

You can’t get pregnant if you use Saran wrap like a condom.

There was one girl who had gotten pregnant standing up, in the shower, using Saran wrap.”

Elvensabre


43. ‘You can’t get pregnant on a full moon.’

“I knew a guy who didn’t think you could get pregnant on a full moon…one set of twins later he was throughly confused and told his whole family how that must of either been a myth or the moon wasn’t entirely full.”

Royalwolf96


44. ‘Twist the clit.’

“GODDAMMIT MAN YOU CANNOT TWIST THE CLITORIS! If you look really close it says ‘Do Not Twist.’”

wadehorton


45. ‘Stick your toe in her butt; she will squeal.’

“Stick your toe in her butt; she will squeal. My friend was just weird.”

SilverFeral


46. ‘Putting an aspirin between your legs prevents pregnancy.’

“Putting an aspirin between your legs prevents pregnancy.”

The-waitress-


47. ‘Potato-chip bags and Saran wrap work as well as condoms.’

“A crisp bag or cling film is just as effective if you don’t have a condom.”

amityville TC mark

Powered by Revcontent

Read more books in 2018…

Cut yourself some slack. One of the biggest regrets most people have about their 20s is that they didn’t enjoy them more. And I’m not talking about “buy more expensive dinners, take another trip to Thailand” type of enjoyment. I mean having the ability to take a deep breath and sip coffee in the morning knowing that you have done, and are doing, your best.

“These essays are slowly changing my life, as the title promises. As my friends’ birthday come along, they will all be receiving a copy of this wonderful book.” – Janie

Amazon: 4.8/5 stars
Goodreads: 4.29/5 stars

Click for an inspiring read!

More From Thought Catalog

47 People Share The WORST Sex Advice They’ve Ever Heard is cataloged in , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,