1. On Valentine’s Day in a Valentine’s card.
“I was dumped on Valentine’s Day in a Valentine’s card :(”
2. Send them a picture of yourself with another dude’s dick inside you.
“Send them a picture of yourself with another dude’s dick inside you. I’m still kinda upset over that one.”
3. By text on their birthday on the same day as their mother and father dies.
“By text on their birthday on the same day as their mother and father dies and you reveal you were cheating on her with her best friend for the past 5 years.”
4. Lie about having cancer.
“Lie about having cancer. Break up.
Then say you are in remission and get back together.
This actually happened to me in high school.”
5. Break up via phone call and keep the ring.
“Break off an engagement via phone call, while 200 miles away, at home, with your family, while I’m back in our college town, freshly graduated, still searching for a job. Oh, keep the ring too while you’re at it.”
6. Leave a voicemail about it that they end up playing in front of their birthday party guests.
“Send them an email about it on their birthday, and leave a voicemail about it that they end up playing in front of their birthday party guests.”
7. Tell them you never had feelings for them and were just lonely and horny.
“‘I never had feelings for you. I was just lonely and horny, and you were there. I’m sure you were, too.’”
8. Tell her you’re fucking her sister.
“Get on one knee and say ‘[girl’s name], I’m fucking your sister.’”
9. Dump them the same day they got hit by a car.
“This was a long time ago. My girlfriend that I lived with had been cheating on me with a few different people while I was gone at work. I found out through a lie and then proceeded to see all the info on her phone. Still tried lying at this point to me. Anyways, advance about a month where I had slowly been trying to get out of the apartment. I planned when to like officially break up with her because it made sense realistically to do it later.
It was the day and she got hit by a car…I got a call near the end of my shift that I had to go to the hospital because she was there. They made it sound way worse on the phone. So I get there all worried and she’s totally fine, just a little bruised. Her mood is normal and she was smiling.
Well, I did it. I broke up with her that night. The amount of anger and hate that came from her for doing it on that day of all days. Hahaha.
So I had to explain the amount of suffering I’ve been through at her hands and the shit I would have to go through in the future now because I’ve lost this important thing called trust. It was a pretty bogus break up but hey! ..I can say I’ve dumped someone the day they were hit by a car! Lol”
10. Tell him you’re pregnant but don’t love him anymore.
“My ex told me she was pregnant but didn’t love me anymore. That has to be up there.”
11. While they’re going through cancer treatment…or via fax…maybe both.
“Newt Gingrich broke up with his wife while she was going through cancer treatment.
Phil Collins faxed his wife telling her that their marriage was over.”
12. After your grandmother’s funeral because you got depressed.
“My ex broke up with me after my grandmother’s funeral because I got depressed.
‘I don’t think this will work if you are sad like this’ —Her”
13. Have your best friend text them.
“One time someone broke up with me through text. Except they didn’t do it themselves, their BEST FRIEND did it. The text was something like this: ‘Yo. This is Caesar and _____ don’t want you no more.’”
14. Over text while at work—and you work at the same company.
“My husband broke up with me over a text. A TEXT. While I was at work. We work for the same company…………”
16. Go in their trunk and replace their spare tire with a note, then release the air in their back left tire.
“Go in their trunk and replace their spare tire with a note, then release the air in their back left tire.”
17. ‘Do you want to get married? Yes? Well, I sure don’t.’
“‘Do you want to get married?’
‘I…oh my god, yes!! Yes!!’
’Well, I sure don’t. Come in and get your shit out of my house.’”
18. The ‘slow fade.’
“The ‘slow fade’ is unnecessarily cruel. Just cut the cord. No need to make the other person question their own sanity, too.”
19. Suddenly, and without warning, act like they don’t exist.
“Suddenly, and without warning, act like they don’t exist. Just stop acknowledging them, no matter what they do.”
20. Text message on Christmas after two years together with zero reason for the breakup.
“Text message on Christmas after two years together with zero reason for the breakup. Find out later it’s because a girl was sleeping on his couch and he wanted to fuck her.”
21. Try to get them to initiate the breakup by being unlikable on purpose.
“Try to get them to initiate the breakup by being unlikable on purpose. You aren’t saving their feelings, you’re fucking them up.”
22. Tell him you fucked someone else because he didn’t satisfy you.
“‘Fuck, finally! It’s over! Yes, I fucked him. You didn’t satisfy me. Now get out if my car.’ My ex the other night.”
23. Ghost them in the middle of a concert.
“I had a girlfriend that I dated for about two years. The relationship dried up and I tried breaking up with her. She refused. Tried again a week later and it wouldn’t work. Any time I would try having a mature conversation she would find a way to stop it from happening.
Eventually I had to ghost. We were at a concert and I said I was going to the bathroom. Walked out of the venue, grabbed a cab, blocked her number and social media and that was that.
I felt guilty about it at first but I’m hoping that in the future she’ll realize that trapping a guy in a relationship isn’t healthy or fair to anyone.”
24. The lunatic version of dovetailing.
“By not breaking up with you…officially. Basically, breaking up with you but never letting you know that you are broken up. You just finally get the hint when they’ve gotten distant and have started noticeably spending a lot of time with someone else. Then when you finally break it down to brass tacks in order to find out where things officially stand—they brush it off like no big deal, like you weren’t ever really a ‘thing’…shocked that you somehow weren’t aware of the circumstances….
….and if you push it they act like you’re the crazy one.
I call it the lunatic version of dovetailing. (Dovetailing being when you just sort of cruise from one relationship into the next without any overlap…this is the psycho turbo slut version of that.)
That’s probably the shittiest. I’d honestly rather be ghosted.”
25. Tell him his junk tastes nasty.
“When you break up with them tell them their junk tastes nasty. They will be self-conscious about it the rest of their life.”
26. List every single failure of theirs and THEN tell them you also had sex with someone else.
“Tell them you’re breaking up with them and then list every single failure of theirs and THEN tell them you also had sex with someone else, because they clearly weren’t entirely sure of whether it was over or not. Make sure they know every detail.”
27. Bone their dad.
“Bone their dad.”
28. Send them roses anonymously and then accuse them of cheating when you ‘find out.’
“Sending them roses anonymously then accusing her of cheating when you ‘find out.’”
29. Change your relationship status on Facebook to single.
“My ex thought the first step was to change his relationship status on Facebook to single. Then tell me that he was breaking up with me….We were together for almost two years.”
30. After they drove 7 hours to see you and have nowhere else to go but drive the 7 hours back.
“Break up with them after they drove 7 hours to see you and have nowhere else to go but drive the 7 hours back.”
31. Suddenly with no explanation.
“Suddenly with no explanation. Can really get into your head, making you question every interaction trying to come up with a reason, blaming yourself, blaming them, being sad and angry while trying to put it behind you.”
32. Tell their mother over your regular Sunday brunch and continue the tradition after the breakup.
“Tell their mother over your regular Sunday brunch and continue the tradition after the breakup.”
33. ‘It’s just not great and I don’t want to settle.’
“‘There was nothing wrong, everything was good and you’re a good guy. It’s just not great and I don’t want to settle.’
You’d think it wouldn’t be so bad but I recently went through this and it still drives me absolutely insane thinking about it. Completely out of the blue, no warning signs until it was already happening. Everything was going fine. I don’t know if she thought it would be easier than just saying it’s not working out, but I honestly wish she had given a legit reason or something so I would actually have an explanation. Say it’s something about me, or something about you, anything other than ‘no reason you’re good just think I can do better.’ I guess if you’re not feeling it then that’s all that matters but there has to be some reason for that. Now I’m just heartbroken with a million questions and no answers.”
34. Disengage so slowly that they get frustrated and break up with you instead.
“Quietly, over the course of months, disengage from the relationship. Don’t tell your partner what’s wrong, just…stop loving them. Wait until they’re finally so upset that you’ve checked out that they break up with you.”
35. Suddenly declare it an open relationship.
“She told me she wanted an open relationship.
I said no.
She spent a week trying to convince me how much fun it’d be.
I still said no.
She said she was sure I’d say yes…because she had already started having an open relationship.
I said that was cheating.
She said no, just a miscommunication. And did I want to change my mind now or break up?
I said break up. What a bitch.”
36. The DENNIS method.
“The DENNIS method would be one of the more messed-up ways to break up with someone
Here what you actually do:
D- demonstrate value
E- engage physically
N- nurture dependence
N- neglect emotionally
I- inspire hope
S- separate entirely.”
37. While still laying on top of you with your dick out.
“Girlfriend was on top of me and beating my meat. When I finished, she said she couldn’t do the relationship shit and broke up with me while still laying on top of me with my dick out. Great times.”
38. At Homecoming after they tell you they love you.
“Broke up with a girl at Homecoming after she told me she loved me.”
39. Call their mom and explain it to her.
“Once, as a teenager, my boyfriend called my mom and explained to her over the phone that he was breaking up with me. He then ignored any calls from our number as I attempted to call him back.”
40. As they drive away from the property you just vacated in the moving van containing all of your worldly possessions.
“Letting you know it’s over as they drive away from the property you just vacated in the moving van containing all of your worldly possessions. Literally left me homeless, penniless, with only the shirt on my back. If you’re still alive, fuck you Alex.”
41. Burn them a CD of breakup songs.
“A high-school girlfriend broke up with me via CD, she burned breakup/I’m better off without you style songs on to it and gave it to me after school. 16-year-old me was devastated, 27-year-old me knows it’s the weirdest breakup story I’ll ever have.”