1. A man called saying someone had vandalized his snowman.
“Not a cop but work for the police dept. Got a call from a man that someone vandalized his snowman.”
2. He called to report his meth had been stolen.
“We had a guy call in to 911 to report he had been robbed at knifepoint. The stolen goods? His meth.”
3. A woman wanted help crossing the street because the nearest crosswalk was a block away.
“When I interned with a local PD in college we got a call from a (able-bodied) woman who wanted someone to come help her across a busy street because there was no crosswalk. There was a crosswalk exactly one block up from where she was.”
4. Someone had their ‘truck nuts’ stolen.
“Someone had their ‘truck nuts’ stolen. Writing that report describing the nuts as chrome in color and how low they hung was the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever written.”
5. Racist dog barks at black man.
“Racist dog. Male believed his neighbor’s dog was racist because it barked at him because he was black.”
6. ‘My neighbor’s sprinkler is on and it’s getting MY lawn wet.’
“‘My neighbor’s sprinkler is on and it’s getting MY lawn wet.’…I wish I was kidding.”
7. Guy got penis lacerations after trying to fuck a cat.
“Not a cop but one of my EMT friends got a call once to a guy’s house for penis lacerations. He said he and his partner got there and the guy was sitting pantless with a towel covering his dick. When they asked what happened, the guy said he was trying to fuck his cat. My friend said that was the only time in his career he had to excuse himself from the scene because he couldn’t contain his laughter. Turns out the guy had some deep cuts on his penis.”
8. Girl wanted her brother arrested because he ‘farted at her.’
“Two sisters and a younger brother…all under 11….mom’s not home…911 call; oldest sister wants her brother arrested because he ‘farted at her’… seven towns heard this call…naturally tons of advice and offers for assistance (backup, baby wipes, air packs, HazMat). We thought it would never end. Arriving officer has door slammed on him by little brother whose hysterical because he thought he was going to be arrested. Officer counseled the kid, age 9, about the ‘ethics problem’ with farting at his sister. He let him off with a warning, took the family phone and called mom. Call cleared.”
9. A kid had gotten his finger stuck in a whiffle ball.
“Medical emergency, kid had gotten his finger stuck in a whiffle ball. Another medical emergency, woman had taken three ibuprofen and wasn’t sure what would happen.”
10. A 29-year-old man called 911 because his mother didn’t respect him.
“Not a police officer, but responded with PD once to a 29-year-old man who called 911 because his mother didn’t respect him. He ‘couldn’t even’ talk to her anymore because she would insult him, and he wanted the police to talk to her for him and get her to stop disrespecting him. He was living in her fairly nice home rent-free while unemployed since high school.”
11. Irish father was concerned his ex-wife wasn’t feeding the children enough potatoes.
“Not a cop, but worked for Child Protection for many years. My favorite was an Irish father calling with his very serious concern that his Vietnamese ex-wife wasn’t feeding the children enough potatoes.”
12. Someone had poured ranch dressing on his car in the Walmart parking lot.
“Not the cop, but my dad is. One time a shitty guy in our town (kinda known for his shittiness), called 911 because someone had poured ranch dressing on his car in the Walmart parking lot.”
13. A lady called 911 because there was a spider in her garage.
“Was base police for a large naval station, a lady called 911 because there was a spider in her garage. We went out to tell her not to abuse 911, and she replied ‘Well, do you have anything more important to do?’ My partner and I just sighed and ended up relocating said spider outside.”
14. A goose was chasing people and biting them on the butt.
“Not a cop but ex animal control. Mine: an aggressive goose at a city park that was chasing people and biting them on the butt. So literally a goose trying to goose people. And the crackhead that thought she had snakes living in her sofa.”
15. Someone was ‘charged by a baby squirrel.’
“I’ve been a cop for ten years in two states. I go to stupid calls daily, but here are some of the more memorable;
Someone called because the sand at the volleyball court was too hot. It was 80 degrees out. I never really did figure out what exactly they wanted me to do about it.
Someone was ‘charged by a baby squirrel.’
People frequently called about wildlife, raccoons, foxes, coyotes, bears etc. I worked in the mountains of Colorado, not downtown LA.
Several times a week people call about a ‘suspicious person’ who is ‘not known to the area.’ I have had more than one occasion where I find the person and they are the reporting party’s next-door neighbor.”
16. Mother was alarmed her 14-year-old son was interested in girls.
“Domestic dispute call – We got there and the mother of a teenage boy, maybe fourteen, is loud and upset. Her problem was described as, ‘He’s interested in GIRLS!’ Oddly enough, it happens around that age. Not a thing I could do about that one.”
17. His wife kept killing him playing GTA 5.
“A domestic abuse call, guy playing GTA 5 was severely pissed his wife wouldn’t stop chasing him down and killing him IN GAME. His wife was bigger than him or I’m sure it would have been the real deal.”
18. A stolen TV remote.
“A stolen TV remote. FYI, it wasn’t stolen just fell between the couch cushions.”
19. A squirrel was stuck in the fridge.
“Dad told me a story once from his days of being a 911 dispatcher, in which a woman called in a panic because there was a squirrel stuck in her fridge. He assumed that it had somehow jumped into the fridge proper, someone in the house panicked, and slammed the door to trap it inside, but because he didn’t want the woman handling a potentially freaked-out wild animal with God knows what pathogens, he sent out a cop to decide if they needed to contact Animal Control.
What had actually happened was that the squirrel ran into the kitchen, saw these giant, mostly bald, two-legged animals wandering about, freaked, and tried to climb up the ice dispenser. It got halfway up, got caught in the flap, and ended up just hanging there by its middle, flipping out. They ended up pushing it the rest of the way up into the freezer, just long enough for the cold to stun it a bit, and then released it into the wild again. Somewhere, Dad still has a Polaroid of that freakin’ squirrel, body half-sticking-out of the fridge.”
20. Fifty-year-old man wanted three-year-old child arrested and punished for trespassing on his lawn.
“I got a call to an upper middle class neighborhood for a trespassing complaint.
When I arrived on scene, I spoke with the ‘victim,’ a 50-something white male who coincidentally was an elementary school principal. He informed me that his neighbor trespassed onto his property ‘countless times’ and he demanded that I arrest the perpetrator.
When I questioned him about the ‘perpetrator’ he informed me that it was a three-year-old neighbor child that was the trespasser.
I was obviously taken aback that he was so adamant that I ‘arrest and punish to the fullest extent of the law’ a three-year-old for the crime of trespassing.
I told him there was nothing that could be criminally or civilly done to a three-year-old that was playing in his yard and accidentally stepped over an invisible line in the grass and that I was leaving.
He filed a formal complaint on me with the department for dereliction of duty.
My chief and the town mayor both told me to forget it.”
21. Woman thought house was on fire because steam was coming from her bathroom.
“It was a structure fire call. RP stated that her house was filled with smoke. We start a structure fire response. RP calls back two minutes later when fire is almost there because ‘my roommate was taking a shower and the steam from it was in the hallway.’
The exchange went as follows.
‘Calling party called back stating that there is no fire, it was only steam from her shower, check to your own satisfaction.’
‘Ladder 9’s clear on a hot steamy shower, all units in service.’
I still laugh every time I think about it.”
22. A mother called because her 6 and 8-year-old sons were fighting over Pokémon cards.
“When it comes to stupid calls, the list is extensive. There’s the mother who called because her 6 and 8-year-old sons were fighting over Pokémon cards. There’s the lady who called to report feral cats in her home, which turned out to be 2 kittens that were less than a month old. There’s the guy who called to report that the ducks in the pond behind his home were snoring and keeping him awake.”
23. A 19-year-old girl believed there was an entire shrimp stuck in her throat.
“Not a police officer, but I am an EMT. My dumbest would have to be the 19-year-old who believed there was an entire shrimp stuck in her throat.
Before I begin let me just say this woman had no history of mental illness, no obvious cognitive deficits and appeared to be unimpaired by drugs or alcohol.
We’re dispatched to a local walk-in clinic for choking, arrive to find our patient not only walking out to meet us but talking, too (meaning her airway was unobstructed). We get the story from her, she was eating some shrimp for dinner the night before and one maybe scratched the back of her throat. In her mind, the only possible conclusion was this scratchy feeling must be an entire shrimp stuck in her throat. When asked to describe the feeling all she could offer up was ‘it’s stuck between the bones’ and ‘if y’all do an x-ray on me here you can see it.’ When informed by my partner (after much convincing) that we could not, in fact, perform an X-ray inside of the ambulance and remove said shrimp, she settled on a ride out to the hospital to have one done. But not just any hospital, this woman insisted we bypass three closer more appropriate facilities for the trauma center. My partner and I agreed, having just come from there and knowing they were absolutely slammed that morning and most likely out of beds. We transport, arrive and are sent to triage post haste. All the while Ms. imaginary FBAO b*tches and moans about having come to the ER via ambulance yet getting stuck in the waiting room with a minimum 3-hour wait time.”
24. A man looked ‘suspicious’ because he was black.
“Working in a nice part of town, where there are a lot of rich people. Anyways I got dispatched to a call one day:
Dispatch – 2A12 I’ve got a suspicious person detail for you.
Me – Go ahead.
Dispatch – The person is located at a bus stop on the corner of Rich St and Pretentious Ave. He’s wearing a red jacket and black pants.
Me – Copy. What’s suspicious about this person?
Dispatch – He’s black.
A few seconds pass by, because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
Me – I’m not going. You can clear it off your screens.”
25. A lady would always call to report a ghost or alien in her attic.
“Not really dumb, but most unique was a lady who would always call at around 1900hrs to report a ghost or alien in her attic. Every day for around a month.
We figured all she wanted was someone to talk to as she had no family around. Eventually we all pitched in and adopted a cat to give her and bought cat food for her on a weekly basis.
The calls stopped coming in and we all started to miss them.
For dumb, we had a domestic assault call at the hospital labor and delivery room. The lady’s brother and husband got into a fist fight while the mom was delivering. All I can think of is why the hell was the brother in the room?”
26. Drunk people locked inside their cars.
“Not a cop, but a 911 dispatcher. I’ve helped more than a couple people who claimed to be locked in their car. More often than not they’re drunk and in the backseat.”
27. Someone had rearranged their Christmas display so the reindeer were doing it doggy-style.
“My neighbor called the cops once when someone vandalized their Christmas display. The only thing they had done was rearrange the reindeer into doggy-style positions.”
28. My aunt called 911 once to have the officers change the direction a fan was blowing.
“My aunt called 911 once to have the officers change the direction a fan was blowing. She was having a dispute with my uncle and he wouldn’t change it for her.”
29. Elderly woman took too many laxatives and wanted police to bring her some cheese.
“I was a dispatcher and heard a call go over the radio for an elderly woman that called the police because she took too many laxatives. She wanted police to bring her cheese so she could stop pooping.”
30. She wanted us to move her couch for her.
“Not a cop but an ambulance paramedic. Had a patient call once because she wanted us to move her couch for her. We did, then told her off for inappropriate use of emergency services. She then called the cops to complain about us.”
31. Somebody stole his pork chops and a leisure suit.
“My neighbor called the cops once to report a house burglary. Apparently somebody went in his house and stole 2 pork chops he was going to make for dinner and a leisure suit.”
32. Guy was hallucinating that he was on a boat with Justin Bieber.
“Guy got stuck head first in a kid’s slide with his arms stuck at his sides. Had to be extracted by the fire department.
Guy was hallucinating that he was on a boat with Justin Bieber.
Called to investigate ‘puppies whining inside a Chinese food restaurant’…There were no puppies.
Guy swallowed a light bulb and a battery hoping to get a script for narcotics.
Someone called 911 about a ‘machine gun mounted on a car.’ It was the Google maps car…
A guy called hoping we could go in and recover his bondage equipment from a friend’s house after that friend died.
Report of an opossum hiding under a couch.
Guy pulled up in a car and asked another guy for money. So guy gave him $40. Guy then drove away with the money. Guy called saying he’d been robbed, because he expected the guy to give the money back…
Just a few off the top of my head. There are SOOO many dumb calls.”
33. Stolen four-foot dildo.
“I went to one of those sex toy bachelorette parties for one of my girlfriends. When I had gotten there, the host, bride’s bff, was already drunk and kind of mean. She ended up leaving before the ‘demonstration’ was over, and when the dildo consultant was packing up her shit, she realized the 4-foot novelty dick was missing. She told the bride she was responsible for paying for it—$200.00—or she would need it back. The four of us left at the party went with the bride to the bff’s house and slammed on the door, yelling for it back. The clit tickling consultant gets out of her car (I guess she followed us) and calls the cops on her cell phone. Two cops show up to everyone outside the drunk girl’s house screaming that we need that dildo back, it costs money. The cop has to go inside, carry it out to us, inspect it for damage with twat cop consultant, and try to keep a straight face. We realized the idiocy of it.”
34. Some guy wanted to have his weed dealer arrested for selling dried grass clippings.
“My dad was a cop for 26 years. He got a call because some guy wanted to have his weed dealer arrested for selling dried grass clippings. They were both arrested.”
35. Sisters fighting over a vibrator.
“I’ve responded to a dog stuck inside a hollow tree.
Sisters fighting over a vibrator. The vibrator in question was a silver bullet.
The suspect apparently swung the vibrator around by the cord like a mace and hit the victim in the face.
Another time I got dispatched to help a morbidly obese man who couldn’t get off the toilet.
Another time during my FTO phase we got sent to assist EMS with what the dispatcher called ‘an impalement.’ It was a dildo which got stuck in a woman’s butt during a threesome with her husband and his cousin to celebrate their anniversary. I was told the thing had to be surgically removed.
These were all within my first year. I’m going on ten years now.”
36. Elvis has entered the building.
“I have family members in law enforcement and the two stories we always remember are the old lady with dementia who would call 911 to report Elvis was at her house. What he was doing there varied from trying to have sex with her to putting his dirty hands all over her mirrors. The other story was another unfortunate senior citizen with dementia who always reported aliens on her roof. At some point the dispatchers started telling her to put aluminum foil on her head and sit quietly in the living room until the officers arrived to confirm the aliens had left.”