1. She asked me if it was the same sun in all 50 states.
“When she asked me, ‘Is it the same sun in all 50 states?’ She’s now a teacher.”
2. She said she’d close her eyes for a few seconds while driving ‘just to get some rest.’
“‘Sometimes, when I’m driving, I get a little tired. So, I just close my eyes for 3-5 seconds, just to get some rest.’ I am 100% serious that one of my ex-girlfriends actually said that.”
3. She asked me if eagles were as big as airplanes.
“When we saw an eagle and a plane flying above us and she asked me if eagles were as big as airplanes.”
4. She thought she could cast a spell to bring a dead animal back to life.
“When she—no joke—thought she could cast a spell to bring a dead animal back to life.”
5. She said we should just print more money to cure poverty.
“Took a girl out on a blind date to the Air and Space museum in D.C. As we drove by the D.C. Mint she said, ‘I don’t understand why they don’t just print more money, that way there will be no more poor people.’”
6. She thought that Islam was a place.
“She thought that Islam was a place.”
7. She tried to push food further down a blender….while it was turned on…with a knife.
“She tried to push food further down a blender….while it was turned on…with a knife.”
8. She asked me who the ‘Pope of Cuba’ was.
“When she asked me ‘Who’s the Pope of Cuba? I mean, Canada has its own Pope, so who is theirs?’”
9. She asked if artichokes were some kind of animal.
“My current gf once asked me during dinner at an Italian restaurant if artichokes were some kind of animal…”
10. She put a metal thermos in the microwave. Twice.
“When she put a metal thermos in the microwave. Twice. The scorch mark down the side from when she’d put it in the first time wasn’t enough to make her reconsider putting it in again. She also claimed the power outlet in my parents’ house gave her laptop a virus.”
11. She thought dinosaurs were made up for kids’ movies.
“She thought dinosaurs were made up for kids’ movies….This was a senior in high school.”
12. She said, ‘Does the wind move windmills or do windmills make the wind?’
“When she said, ‘Does the wind move windmills or do windmills make the wind?’…and this woman is now a registered nurse….”
13. She asked what animal beans came from.
“This conversation actually happened… ‘meat is a protein right?, beans are a protein right?, so what animal do beans come from?’”
14. She thought reindeer were fairy-tale animals.
“We were watching Django, and during the winter training montage there is a moment where the camera pans over a herd of reindeer. At that moment my ex said something about how she thought it was weird that they would include reindeer in the movie because it kind of breaks the immersion. I was confused and asked what she meant by that. She went on to explain to me how reindeer weren’t real animals and just make believe like characters in a fairy tale (aka Rudolph & the rest of Santa’s reindeer)”
15. She wanted to become Jewish so she could ‘make matzoh and stuff.’
“She said she wanted to become Jewish.
I asked her if she believed in god, because I was real damn sure she didn’t, and she said no. I asked if she thought that would change. She said no. I asked why in the world then she thought converting to Judaism would be a good call.
‘I feel like I would be a good Jewish mother, and I want to make matzoh and stuff.’”
16. She almost got expelled from online high school.
“When she almost got expelled from online high school….
She would copy and paste questions into google then copy and paste the answers back into the homework. So when she went to do an English essay, she directly copied the first three sentences from some article. The teacher failed the assignment, then recommended expulsion.
Her mother intervened and pleaded with administration not to expel her because she was such a good hard working student and a pregnant teen. Administration decided not to expel her if she wrote an apology letter to the teacher.
Her mother wrote it. She got away with it.”
17. She thought Alzheimer’s disease was called old-timer’s disease.
“She thought Alzheimer’s disease was called old-timer’s disease.”
18. She thought Alaska was an island because it is by Hawaii on a map.
“When she thought Alaska was an island because it is by Hawaii on a map. She now teaches fourth grade.”
19. She thought blue whales gave birth by burying their eggs in the ocean floor.
“She fucks like a goddess and she has the kindest heart and smile a human being could have, but fuckin hell one time we asked her for fun how do blue whales give birth… her answer and I quote, ‘duuh of course they are like reverse turtles they bury their eggs in the deepest part of the ocean…’ My friend and I lost consciousness because we couldn’t breathe anymore.”
20. She thought the moon was a star.
“When we were playing a drinking game where you had to name a star and she says ‘the moon!’ Then proceeded to argue about it for the next few days to the point of reading definitions of stars to me where they are described as ‘self-luminous’ as evidence of her apparent victory. Needless to say, I was already checked out.”
21. She thought Trailer Park Boys was a documentary at first.
“We had just speed watched season one and two of Trailer Park Boys. We just started in on what I think was season three. It was the episode where Ricky steals his daughter’s nicotine patches. You know his eight-year-old daughter.
During the scene in which Randy is refusing to wear a shirt in court my girlfriend looks at me soberly and says, ‘I don’t think this is a documentary.’
It was all I could do to not come unglued. I said well you know honey, it is Canada…things are a lot different there. But at that point the cat was out of the bag.”
22. She didn’t know that a bull was a male cow.
“She didn’t know that a bull was a male cow. We were already married with 2 kids.”
23. She didn’t know who our adversary was in the Cold War.
“Grown adult professional woman did not know who our adversary was in the Cold War.”
24. She was adamant that 11am was the afternoon.
“She wanted to meet at 11 in the afternoon. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.
She was adamant that 11am was the afternoon.”
25. She thought an interpreter should just whisper instead of using sign language.
“When my ex gf said at her little brother’s 8th grade graduation, ‘Why is that lady moving her hands around so much?’
I looked where she gestured and saw a woman signing to her grandfather. ‘She’s using sign language…’
‘Ugh it’s so distracting, can’t she just whisper?’
I was speechless.
Also she is now a teacher.”
26. She was a second-year law student who kept saying ‘supposably.’
“When I was out on a date with a 2nd year law student who constantly used the word ‘supposably.’ I don’t know how she could be respected in the law field if she sounded so ridiculous in the courtroom.”
27. “She told me that water had a memory.
“She told me that water had a memory.”
28. She didn’t know what country Mexico City is in.
“She didn’t know what country Mexico City is in.”
29. She thought Paris was a country.
“She thought Paris was a country. She sided with Hitler because she had German ancestry.”
30. She couldn’t name the ‘countries’ that fought in the Civil War.
“When she couldn’t name the ‘countries’/sides that took place during the American Civil Car (we are American, live in the North). She said something along the lines of ‘I know the United States were one side, I just don’t remember who they were fighting.’ We no longer date.”
31. She said Mexico was an island, then confessed she wasn’t good at ‘geology.’
“First—she had just returned from a trip to Mexico with her family when she said that Mexico was an island. When my friends and I questioned her on this she caved and admitted to not being good at ‘geology’…
Second—we were able to convince her that planes could not fly over water….She had previously flown over water.
Third—we convinced her we changed her name on Facebook. She checked the spelling, and then asked us if it was really changed. Three times.
…She is now a middle school teacher.”
32. She said Benjamin Franklin invented lightning.
“I could go on for hours with shit one of my exes said, but here’s a few:
‘Benjamin Franklin invented lightning.’
‘Capitol of the United States? Trick question there isn’t one! OH WAIT! It’s America right?’
‘Is Philadelphia bigger than Pennsylvania?’
‘Jug? That’s not even a word. You made it up.’”
33. She was confused about TV reports of ‘armed gorillas.’
“Something on TV news was about armed guerrillas and she asked how gorillas could use guns.
She also thought it would be awesome if Halloween would fall on a Friday the 13th someday.”
34. She thought the past was in black and white.
“That the past was black and white. She was serious.”