1. I chew my toenails.
“Chew my toenails. I’ve done it for years but I know my husband would freak out if he saw me do it (he doesn’t like feet)”
2. I squeeze the goo out of my pierced nipples.
“I had pierced nipples years ago, and the holes still gather sebum. I’ll wait for a couple weeks and then squeeze the goo out of each nipple (two piercing holes per nip) in an explosive POP! But only when my husband is not around.”
3. I let my cat eat my boogies.
“Let my cat eat my boogies.”
4. I pull my butt hairs out.
“I like pulling my butt hairs out. I’d shave, but every time I try shaving my ass it ends up in me accidently cutting myself. Its hell.”
5. I let my dog lick my mouth.
“I let my dog lick my mouth.”
6. I blow out snot rockets.
“Blow out a snot rocket (I’m humiliated to admit this), but sometimes it’s better than waiting to find a tissue or paper towel, to only have that gross wad to hang onto until I get a chance to throw it away.”
7. I smell my boob sweat.
“I smell my boob sweat. I swear that it smells better than the rest of my body.”
8. I fart like a fucking fog horn.
“I fart like a fucking fog horn and compliment myself of my abilities to do so.”
9. I fart explosively.
“Fart explosively. I get a certain satisfaction from letting go of a gas bubble that could fill a birthday balloon, but I doubt my SO would.”
10. I tweeze my ingrown armpit hairs.
“Those ingrown armpit hairs aren’t gonna tweeze themselves.”
11. I pick at blackheads and analyze my pores.
“Pick at blackheads and analyze my pores. I also use scissors to cut split ends.”
12. I clean out smegma from my vulva.
“Poop. Clean out smegma from my vulva. Fart with abandon.”
13. I grab the lips of my vagina and pull them out, making a suction sound.
“I grab the lips of my vagina and pull them out, making a suction sound. Kinda like if you grabbed your face cheeks and pulled them out continuously.. Not sexual just funny.”
14. I eat as if someone is going to take it away from me.
“Eat as if someone is going to take it away from me.”
15. I stand in front of my magnifying mirror for hours and squeeze every pore and pluck every errant hair.
“Stand in front of my magnifying mirror for hours and squeeze every pore and pluck every errant hair. It’s thrilling.”
16. I talk Ace Ventura-style with my vagina.
“I talk Ace Ventura-style with my vagina.”
17. I pick my nose.
“I pick my nose.”
18. I pluck my ginger unibrow.
“I’ll walk pantsless around the apartment with my hands in my panties like it’s a little pocket. It’s 100% not sexual, just comfy as fuck. I’ll also perform makeup tutorials with my cat as my sole audience. I’ll also pluck my ginger unibrow that I’ve managed to keep hidden from him for 3 years. And my three chin hairs.”
19. I wear his dirty shirts around the house.
“I’ll wear his dirty shirts around the house. His man stink smells good, but I’m not willing to tell him that.”
20. I scratch my cooch and sniff my finger.
“I scratch my cooch, or just touch it. Similar to when guys just have their hand hanging out down there, nothing sexual. I also like my own smell, tho, so I sniff my finger when I’m done.”
21. I take “luxury poops.”
“I have luxury poops…. I’ll roll a joint, sit on the toilet, watch Netflix on my tablet, maybe bring in a coffee…. just poop for like 30 minutes. My bathroom is super comfy.”
22. I empty my menstruation cup.
“I empty my menstruation cup…
I poop/pee/fart/pick my nose/wear stank ass clothes/use my toys literally all of those are okay for me in front of him. But I refuse to open the flood gate of the bloody river. I yell at him to leave the bathroom. We are quite comfortable with each other otherwise.”
23. One in the pink, one in the stink, then a song.
“Insert one finger in my vagina, the other finger in my butthole, while at the time shouting…🎶 hello from the other siiiiide🎶”
24. I floss my teeth using my own hair.
“Happens anyway when my partner is around, but I circumvent potential difficulties by getting with people as gross as I am.
Probably, openly picking the food stuck in my teeth. Using the hair my glasses weirdly rip out, to floss my teeth. Scratch my nethers when I’m at that stage where the hair growing back makes it itchy. Picking at my lips until they bleed and then licking my lips because I like the taste of blood (I recently got a fidget cube and it’s fun but doesn’t stop the lip-picking because fidget cubes do not taste of copper.)…
I went through a phase in which I was fascinated with my own pee (as opposed to others’ now, but I digress). I guess trying your own pee is a bit gross and was definitely was a thing that happened when no partner was around. And wearing something and peeing yourself and kinda sitting that, really the kind of thing where every time you recall it, you die a little bit inside, so yeah.”
25. I watch an ungodly amount of popping videos.
“Watch an ungodly amount of popping videos. He’s disgusted by it, but it’s SO SATISFYING.”
26. I eat the shredded cheddar cheese out of the bag.
“I eat the shredded cheddar cheese out of the bag.
27. I openly burp.
“Honestly, I openly burp when I’m alone. Loud roars, man. He comes around and I keep it quiet and hidden behind my hand.”
28. I smell his dirty shirts.
“I smell his dirty shirts because I love the smell of his pheromones.”
29. I sit with my hand down my pants (Al Bundy style), just because I’m always cold and it warms my hand.
“I fart and smell the fart, cause the smell can tell me how my poop will be later on. Also, I take shits with the door wide open. I sit with my hand down my pants (Al Bundy style), just because I’m always cold and it warms my hand. I scratch wherever I have an itch. I pull hairs (from my head) out of my buttcrack. I deal with all pimples and blackheads. Those kinds of things.”
30. I masturbate thinking about other guys.
“I masturbate thinking about other guys (and even girls) sexually dominating me, since he is not into dominant sex (I girlhandle him.)”
31. I get super fucking high, sit around in dirty PJs, drink a six-pack of beer, and order three boxes of breadsticks from Pizza Hut.
“I get super fucking high, sit around in dirty PJs, drink a six-pack of beer, and order three boxes of breadsticks from Pizza Hut. I only need two boxes but they have that damn minimum for delivery.”
32. Finger my tight little asshole.
“Finger my tight little asshole.”
33. I cut my poop with a stick.
“I have a poop stick! At one point, my poop stick was one of those toilet sponges that has a 12-18 inch plastic handle on it and the sponge at the bottom. I tore the spongy piece off so it’s just a stick now.
My whole life I have always had large poops. It would always clog and flood the toilets growing up. My mom would get angry and I was so embarrassed. My siblings always made fun of me. As an adult I just bought a plunger for the bathroom and it was easy enough to unclog when it happened, which is always 1-2 times a week.
My fiancé and I bought a house a few years ago. I was so terrified of having to poop when he was home. Not because of noises or smell, but I didn’t want to clog the toilet. We have only one plunger we keep in a basement utility closet. I’m too embarrassed to walk to the basement for the plunger and back up the stairs where he can then hear me plunge my poop down the toilet. Yes, I know he would still love me anyway, but I’m not willing to give up that much of my dignity.
Enter my poop stick! I had to use the bathroom so bad one day he was home and as soon as I saw it I knew it wouldn’t go down. Searched the bathroom for anything that may help when I saw the spongy stick. It was left behind by the previous homeowners. I tore the sponge off and used that end to cut up my poop into smaller pieces. Quicker than plunging and no awkward noises.
Three years on and I still have that damn stick. It’s kept in a bag lying in the back corner in the cupboards under the sink. When I need it, which is often, I put on a pair of disposable gloves and grab the stick and cut the poo into smaller pieces. Spray the stick with bleach spray, run it under hot water, and put it back in the bag under the sink. If he finds it he will have no way of knowing what it was for. Sometimes I look at him after leaving the bathroom and think about how weird it would be if he knew I was just slicing up my massive poop log just a few moments ago.
I don’t know why my poops are so big. I’m a petite woman, not overweight. I’m very hydrated, eat a healthy diet, and hit the gym before work 3-5 days a week. I have lots of fiber, yogurt, salads, fruits, etc. It doesn’t hurt or anything. It just comes out in one long thick piece. I don’t understand when people need 20 min to poop. It takes me no more than 30 seconds from start to finish (not including the poop cutting thing.)
It’s made things quite difficult for me though. I can’t poop anywhere other than home. If I all a sudden have to go at 11am I wait until I get home at 6 pm. No one wants to be the girl known around the office for flooding toilets. On vacations I use bathrooms at restaurants and fast food places cuz they have stronger flushing toilets I’ve noticed. Once I was at a small hotel/casino for a weekend. Woke up and I was dying to poop immediately. Waited til breakfast and used the casino bathroom next to the restaurant we had breakfast at. It was so big, one of my biggest ever. I pushed the handle and ran out without waiting to see what happened. Another woman was also in a stall. I heard the overflowing water hitting the tile floor before I exited the bathroom. We walked out after breakfast and I saw employees mopping up the water and trying to dry the carpet outside the bathroom. I had only been dating my now fiancé a few months and was terrified the casino would know it was me and kick us out or something.
TL;DR I cut up my poop with a stick!”