1. ‘Cripple me, cripple me.’
“While I lived in a dorm there were a few of us having drinks in the lounge and the girl next door started getting railed by whoever she was with at the time. No problem. About 5 minutes later she steps up the volume and all we can hear is ‘cripple me, cripple me.’”
2. ‘Stick your tiny dick in my asshole.’
“An ex of mine at one point in time said, ‘Yeah, that’s it. Now pull it out and stick your tiny dick in my asshole.’
Fucking what? I don’t have a tiny dick. Needless to say I lost my boner and completely killed the mood.”
3. ‘I wanna slide your dick in your ass.’
“‘I wanna slide your dick in your ass.’ ‘Oh yeah…wait, what?’”
4. ‘This pussy is tight huh, yea double C-section.’
“‘This pussy is tight huh, yea double C-section.’ That killed it for me.”
5. ‘Fart in my vagina!’
“I like it dirty baby. Fart in my vagina!”
6. ‘I haven’t been fucked that way since grade school.’
“‘I haven’t been fucked that way since grade school.’ Simply foul beyond words.”
7. ‘I want to S your D.’
“‘I want to S your D.’ I did not shorten it, she actually said the letters ‘S’ and ‘D.’”
8. ‘You’re so attractive, I am so attracted to you right now.’
“Not completely horrible, but this one guy just robotically said, ‘You’re so attractive, I am so attracted to you right now.’ Which felt kind of…redundant to say in the moment but also he said it with no emotion in his voice at all. Like a polite robot. It made me laugh a little.”
9. ‘Yeah, you wanna suck on my wiener?’
“From an ex: ‘Yeah, you wanna suck on my wiener?’
Started laughing my ass off, couldn’t continue.”
10. ‘Cover me in your man mayo!’
“I was ‘hanging out’ with a girl I had met at the gym a week prior. Post dirty, she wants me to climax on her chest. I’m about to explode, on the edge of glory, 10 million suns about to simultaneously explode, when she screams ‘finish on my tiny baby breasts! Cover me in your man mayo!’
Needless to say; No climax, and we never did anything after that.”
11. ‘Fuck me with your knife dick!’
“‘Fuck me with your knife dick!’”
12. ‘My vagina is very wet right now.’
“Once dated a girl with the most clinical dirty talk ever.
‘Yeah I love your penis.’ ‘My vagina is very wet right now.’ ‘Yes, I like when you touch my breasts around the nipples.’
I appreciated the directness, but it was difficult keeping my penis erect for sexual intercourse with her genitalia when she talked ‘dirty.’”
13. ‘Your penis feels so good inside me.’
“Last girl I was with said ‘penis’ a lot.
‘Your penis feels so good inside me.’
‘I love your penis.’
etc.
Why does penis just sound so Wrong in these contexts? I just…it became real off-putting, real quick.”
14. ‘Is that big enough for you?’ It was not.
“‘Is that big enough for you?’
It was not.”
15. ‘Milk me.’
“One of my ex bf’s once yelled out, ‘milk me…’
I mean I get it, but…not super-hot, you know? :\”
16. ‘I’m sorry I really have to poop.’
“‘I’m sorry I really have to poop.’ It’s okay Jenna you just made me lose my erection. First date was going well up until that point.”
17. ‘Yeah, lick my dirty cunt.’
“‘Yeah, lick my dirty cunt.’ First time getting busy together…
‘Dirty’ isn’t a good modifier for something I’m putting my mouth on.”
18. I’m gonna marinade your eggs in boy milk!
“An ex of mine used to be really focused on his semen in sex but would also use really weird names or phrases to mention it. For example, referring to it as ‘chum’ (like what you put in water to attract sharks) instead of cum.
Or, ‘Oh, my fuckin’ balls. I’m gonna marinade your eggs in boy milk!’
Yikes.”
19. ‘Mmmmm my ass tastes good.’
“Was getting a blow job after fucking this girl in the ass, in between having my dick in her mouth she murmurs ‘mmmmm my ass tastes good,’ highlight of my sex life.”
20. He pretended there was an echo in my vagina because I’d recently had a baby.
“Husband talking to my vagina. Then pretending there was an echo ‘hello hello hello’ just had a baby few months beforehand. He thought it was so funny.”
21. ‘I accidentally called my fiancé’s dick “widdle”…’
“I accidentally called my fiancé’s dick ‘widdle’…Needless to say, sex ended.”
22. ‘You don’t deserve this dick.’
“‘You don’t deserve this dick’ has to be the absolute worst.”
23. ‘You look more beautiful than I’ve ever seen you.’ (Which would have been nice, except it was pitch black.)
“A guy told me ‘you look so beautiful right now, more beautiful than I’ve ever seen you.’
….which would have been nice, except it was pitch black.”
24. ‘Take my NUUUUUUUUT BIIIIIIITCH.’
“I’ve been searching for the source for the last month but I watched a BBC on BBW porn and this huge black dude yelled at the top of his lungs, ‘Take my NUUUUUUUUT BIIIIIIITCH.’ Shit was hilarious and he was still 10 minutes away from the cumshot!”
25. “‘Mm yes.’ Yoda voice included.
“‘Mm yes.’ Yoda voice included.”
26. ‘Yes, Baby. Fuck my ass. I know you can do it! I believe in you!’
“This was in amateur porn. The guy was fucking her in the ass, and she was yelling ‘Yes, Baby. Fuck my ass. I know you can do it! I believe in you!’
As if the guy was running a marathon or something.”
27. ‘Ya gimme that pussy mommy.’
“‘Ya ya fuck me daddy.’
she meant it…
So naturally I responded with…
‘Ya gimme that pussy mommy.’
kinda ruined the moment…”
28. “‘We have been doing this for a while, can we just stop?’
“‘We have been doing this for a while, can we just stop?’ —Ex girlfriend.”
29. ‘Mmmm…dirty talk.’
“‘Mmmm…dirty talk.’ —Me once, blanking. We both busted out laughing.”
30. ‘Yeah that’s great, you’re doing great, keep it up’ like she was my high school gym coach or something.”
“‘Yeah that’s great, you’re doing great, keep it up’ like she was my high school gym coach or something.”
31. Moaning ‘fuck yes Dylan.’ Definitely not my name.
“Moaning ‘fuck yes Dylan.’ Definitely not my name, and that’s how I found out she was cheating.”
32. ‘I stepped in dog shit while barefoot.’
“Having a mfm threesome with a girl and her Indigenous Australian bf ‘You like this Abbo cock you Captain Cook cunt?!’
Another was getting a German girl to talk dirty in German while fucking. After we broke up she revealed she wasn’t saying anything sexy, but rather things like ‘I have to pick up my washing’ or ‘I stepped in dog shit while barefoot.’”
33. ‘I wanna have your abortion.’
“Girl broke out ‘I wanna have your abortion.’
I almost choked, didn’t realize it was a line from Fight Club (book and movie outtake) and she was trying to be funny.”
34. ‘You’re a scary monster, you’re a scary monster!’
“Was dating a beautiful, sexy, way out of my class she’s so hot kinda girl! We’ve only had sex about 3 times at this time and every time we did she just laid there. No real sounds made, would bit her lip and quietly moan, that was about it. Well I thought ‘Okay that’s it, this is boring, time to spice it up.’ So I yell at her ‘Talk dirty to me, Talk dirty to me.’ About 30 seconds goes by and she screams out, ‘You’re a scary monster, you’re a scary monster!’”
35. ‘I can’t wait to have you cum on my penis.’
“My wife never has gotten the hang of dirty talk. Some of her best ones yet are:
‘I know you want to poo.’
‘Stick it in my pee hole.’ (long talk after this one on anatomy)
‘I can’t wait to have you cum on my penis.’ (she don’t have a penis, she was going for pussy but at this time I had unsheathed)
After cumming in her, ‘I love it when you make me a milkshake.’
‘OMG your ankle is so hot.’”
36. ‘I want to be a single mother.’
“‘I want to be a single mother.’”
37. ‘Yes, yes, I want to bear your children.’
“Mid session ‘Yes, yes, I want to bear your children.’ Never the same after that one.”
38. ‘You look a lot like your mum.’
“‘You look a lot like your mum.’
Okay, not technically dirty talk, but I was inside her at the time.
I’m a man.”
39. ‘I said give it to me please.’
“While going down on her:
Her: moaning ‘give it to me please’
Me: ‘What?’
Her: (normal voice) ‘I said give it to me please’
Me: ‘Oh…’”
40. ‘Can I sweep your chimney, sir?’
“‘Can I sweep your chimney, sir?’ in a high-pitched Cockney voice, and I’m a woman.”
41. ‘You’re taking my cock in your mouth!’
“The guy just basically said what was happening, as though I wasn’t there and didn’t know what the hell was going on. For example, we were doing anal and he just kept saying ‘I’m fucking you in the ass! I’m fucking you in the ass!’ I just responded with ‘Uh, YEAH you are!,’ but all I could think was ‘Why couldn’t he say something less retarded like “do you like how I’m fucking you in the ass, baby?”’ and it sort of killed my mood a little. I also was deep-throating him once and he exclaimed ‘You’re taking my cock in your mouth!’ (again, obvious and pointless), but I initially misheard it as ‘You’ve taken SO many cocks in your mouth!’ which made me so unexpectedly confused that I had to stop and clarify before resuming.”
42. ‘Yeah, you like my tiny dick?’
“‘Yeah, you like my tiny dick?’ His dick wasn’t little at all. I think he was thinking of two different things to say and mixed it up. I didn’t acknowledge it so I don’t think he knows I heard it, though.”
43. ‘Yessa massa, harder massa, take that ass like you did my ancestas!’
“I’m a white male who has a black girlfriend. ‘Yessa massa, harder massa, take that ass like you did my ancestas!’ ~My girlfriend. It hurt my soul.”
44. ‘Your pussy isn’t little.’
“He was always pressuring me to talk dirty, so I summoned every ounce of courage and closed my eyes and said something, including the phrase ‘little pussy’ and this fucking jackass tells me it isn’t little. I was super confused and he repeats that it isn’t little. Like fuck man. He didn’t even understand why I was upset! First you basically bully me into embarrassing myself, then you call me loose. He couldn’t figure out why I wanted him to leave and he couldn’t figure out why I wouldn’t sleep with him again.
Don’t stick your dick in crazy, and don’t let dumb stick its dick in you.”
45. ‘Oh wow my Willy is excited….’
“‘Oh wow my Willy is excited….’ 4 years ago and it still cracks me up.”
46. ‘Tell me how hot I am!’
“During a mediocre night, he started saying, ‘tell me I’m hot! Tell me how hot I am!’
I felt like he was thinking of himself the whole time.”
47. ‘Oh…oh my wonderful daughter, you’re so tight!’
“‘Oh…oh my wonderful daughter, you’re so tight!’ Creeped me the fuck out.”
48. ‘I wanna fuck you so fucking hard.’
“‘I wanna fuck you so fucking hard.’ Like, OK, but think of something a bit more imaginative.”
49. ‘I wish there was a church open right now so we could get married.’
“While high on mushrooms at 2am the girl told me: ‘Get me pregnant’ and ‘I wish there was a church open right now so we could get married.’
2nd date.”
50. ‘I want to paint my semen across your back.’
“Some of the worst dirty talk I’ve heard has originated with me. I’m male and both phrases were uttered when I was with my ex wife:
Right before insertion I whispered, ‘I want to feel you inside me.’
During sex I told her, ‘I want to paint my semen across your back.’
I don’t try dirty talk anymore.”
51. ‘Are we going to do this, I’m not as young as I used to be.’
“Didn’t get to bed because of ‘are we going to do this, I’m not as young as I used to be.’ Instant Sahara.”
52. ‘Oh wow yes biting the nipple, fuck yes, love it, love it.’
“Probably from one ex who insisted on live commentating throughout the whole procedure. So there’s a bit of foreplay going on, I’m kissing his body, his neck, rubbing my breasts down his chest to his crotch etc and all I hear is ‘Oh fuck yes, feels good, on my neck yes. Wow, love it. Oh wow yes biting the nipple, fuck yes, love it, love it. Oh fuck titties on my dick, yes, yes, yes tittie fuck tittie fuck, yes. Love it,’ etc. I wanted to smother him with a pillow by this point. There was nothing even remotely sexy about the way he was talking.”
53. ‘I’ll bend over and then you put your cock between my tits.’
“The worst dirty talk is the dirty talk that doesn’t make sense. my gf is bad for this. ‘I’ll bend over and then you put your cock between my tits.’ Instantly kills the mood as I have to bring up that although I would like to do that, it’s not possible.”
54. ‘I want you to put your hot dog in my pink taco.’
“‘I want you to put your hot dog in my pink taco.’
First off, not sexy in the slightest to bring up food during sex, especially metaphorically. Second, my interests in eating a taco with a hot dog in it skyrocketed following the event.
We still fucked, it just took me a solid minute to regain my urges.”
55. ‘Glaze me like a donut.’
“I don’t remember the exact line, but it was something along the lines of ‘glaze me like a donut’ as I was about to finish. I burst out laughing and couldn’t finish. She was dead serious and said it in a sexy voice, which just made it funnier.”
56. ‘I’d love another man to fuck me from behind while you hold me.’
“The missus and I were getting a bit passionate in bed, so I thought it was prime time to ask (yet again) if she’d like a threesome. To my amazement she said ‘Yes.’ I couldn’t believe my luck and said ‘Really???’ She replied ‘Oh yes, I’d love another man to fuck me from behind while you hold me.’ I told her that wasn’t the sort of threesome I had in mind. She told me that was the only type I was fucking well getting.”
57. ‘Yeah, there’s a pickle in them, too.’
“Met a cute guy in college and we’re about to get it on and he’s in his boxers, they have pickles on them and I giggle and say ‘You’ve got pickles on your boxers.’ He replies in a sultry voice ‘Yeah, there’s a pickle in them, too.’ Aaaaaaand instant buzzkill. Also to my dismay it was more like a sweet gherkin than a big dill pickle.”
