The 57 WORST Examples of ‘Dirty Talk’ In The History Of Human Sexuality

Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz
Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz
Found on AskReddit.

1. ‘Cripple me, cripple me.’

“While I lived in a dorm there were a few of us having drinks in the lounge and the girl next door started getting railed by whoever she was with at the time. No problem. About 5 minutes later she steps up the volume and all we can hear is ‘cripple me, cripple me.’”

Standard12


2. ‘Stick your tiny dick in my asshole.’

“An ex of mine at one point in time said, ‘Yeah, that’s it. Now pull it out and stick your tiny dick in my asshole.

Fucking what? I don’t have a tiny dick. Needless to say I lost my boner and completely killed the mood.”

Indysteeler


3. ‘I wanna slide your dick in your ass.’

“‘I wanna slide your dick in your ass.’ ‘Oh yeah…wait, what?’”

TSutt


4. ‘This pussy is tight huh, yea double C-section.’

“‘This pussy is tight huh, yea double C-section.’ That killed it for me.”

okekai


5. ‘Fart in my vagina!’

“I like it dirty baby. Fart in my vagina!”

JonSnowBaratheon


6. ‘I haven’t been fucked that way since grade school.’

“‘I haven’t been fucked that way since grade school.’ Simply foul beyond words.”

krazyn8tive


7. ‘I want to S your D.’

“‘I want to S your D.’ I did not shorten it, she actually said the letters ‘S’ and ‘D.’”

c0meary


8. ‘You’re so attractive, I am so attracted to you right now.’

“Not completely horrible, but this one guy just robotically said, ‘You’re so attractive, I am so attracted to you right now.’ Which felt kind of…redundant to say in the moment but also he said it with no emotion in his voice at all. Like a polite robot. It made me laugh a little.”

thatbeepbeep


9. ‘Yeah, you wanna suck on my wiener?’

“From an ex: ‘Yeah, you wanna suck on my wiener?’

Started laughing my ass off, couldn’t continue.”

permalink


10. ‘Cover me in your man mayo!’

“I was ‘hanging out’ with a girl I had met at the gym a week prior. Post dirty, she wants me to climax on her chest. I’m about to explode, on the edge of glory, 10 million suns about to simultaneously explode, when she screams ‘finish on my tiny baby breasts! Cover me in your man mayo!’

Needless to say; No climax, and we never did anything after that.”

saltyPostyHole


11. ‘Fuck me with your knife dick!’

“‘Fuck me with your knife dick!’”

TBlank


12. ‘My vagina is very wet right now.’

“Once dated a girl with the most clinical dirty talk ever.

‘Yeah I love your penis.’ ‘My vagina is very wet right now.’ ‘Yes, I like when you touch my breasts around the nipples.’
I appreciated the directness, but it was difficult keeping my penis erect for sexual intercourse with her genitalia when she talked ‘dirty.’”

VonnegutsStarfish


13. ‘Your penis feels so good inside me.’

“Last girl I was with said ‘penis’ a lot.

‘Your penis feels so good inside me.’

‘I love your penis.’

etc.

Why does penis just sound so Wrong in these contexts? I just…it became real off-putting, real quick.”

Voidrith


14. ‘Is that big enough for you?’ It was not.

“‘Is that big enough for you?’

It was not.”

LosHoyers


15. ‘Milk me.’

“One of my ex bf’s once yelled out, ‘milk me…’

I mean I get it, but…not super-hot, you know? :\”

MetalCoate


16. ‘I’m sorry I really have to poop.’

“‘I’m sorry I really have to poop.’ It’s okay Jenna you just made me lose my erection. First date was going well up until that point.”

SoochieYeah


17. ‘Yeah, lick my dirty cunt.’

“‘Yeah, lick my dirty cunt.’ First time getting busy together…

‘Dirty’ isn’t a good modifier for something I’m putting my mouth on.”

sinsate17


18. I’m gonna marinade your eggs in boy milk!

“An ex of mine used to be really focused on his semen in sex but would also use really weird names or phrases to mention it. For example, referring to it as ‘chum’ (like what you put in water to attract sharks) instead of cum.

Or, ‘Oh, my fuckin’ balls. I’m gonna marinade your eggs in boy milk!’

Yikes.”

noisypeach


19. ‘Mmmmm my ass tastes good.’

“Was getting a blow job after fucking this girl in the ass, in between having my dick in her mouth she murmurs ‘mmmmm my ass tastes good,’ highlight of my sex life.”

Notingbbeb


20. He pretended there was an echo in my vagina because I’d recently had a baby.

“Husband talking to my vagina. Then pretending there was an echo ‘hello hello hello’ just had a baby few months beforehand. He thought it was so funny.”

sandytea


21. ‘I accidentally called my fiancé’s dick “widdle”…’

“I accidentally called my fiancé’s dick ‘widdle’…Needless to say, sex ended.”

HelloBeautifulChild


22. ‘You don’t deserve this dick.’

“‘You don’t deserve this dick’ has to be the absolute worst.”

JessaJez


23. ‘You look more beautiful than I’ve ever seen you.’ (Which would have been nice, except it was pitch black.)

“A guy told me ‘you look so beautiful right now, more beautiful than I’ve ever seen you.’

….which would have been nice, except it was pitch black.”

TheOtherDragic


24. ‘Take my NUUUUUUUUT BIIIIIIITCH.’

“I’ve been searching for the source for the last month but I watched a BBC on BBW porn and this huge black dude yelled at the top of his lungs, ‘Take my NUUUUUUUUT BIIIIIIITCH.’ Shit was hilarious and he was still 10 minutes away from the cumshot!”

PM_YOUR_BOOTY_VAG


25. “‘Mm yes.’ Yoda voice included.

“‘Mm yes.’ Yoda voice included.”

faspada


26. ‘Yes, Baby. Fuck my ass. I know you can do it! I believe in you!’

“This was in amateur porn. The guy was fucking her in the ass, and she was yelling ‘Yes, Baby. Fuck my ass. I know you can do it! I believe in you!’
As if the guy was running a marathon or something.”

DavidJA


27. ‘Ya gimme that pussy mommy.’

“‘Ya ya fuck me daddy.’
she meant it…
So naturally I responded with…
‘Ya gimme that pussy mommy.’
kinda ruined the moment…”

limpinfrompimpin


28. “‘We have been doing this for a while, can we just stop?’

“‘We have been doing this for a while, can we just stop?’ —Ex girlfriend.”

portchester7492


29. ‘Mmmm…dirty talk.’

“‘Mmmm…dirty talk.’ —Me once, blanking. We both busted out laughing.”

halfadash6


30. ‘Yeah that’s great, you’re doing great, keep it up’ like she was my high school gym coach or something.”

“‘Yeah that’s great, you’re doing great, keep it up’ like she was my high school gym coach or something.”

HossTM


31. Moaning ‘fuck yes Dylan.’ Definitely not my name.

“Moaning ‘fuck yes Dylan.’ Definitely not my name, and that’s how I found out she was cheating.”

HSharpest


32. ‘I stepped in dog shit while barefoot.’

“Having a mfm threesome with a girl and her Indigenous Australian bf ‘You like this Abbo cock you Captain Cook cunt?!’

Another was getting a German girl to talk dirty in German while fucking. After we broke up she revealed she wasn’t saying anything sexy, but rather things like ‘I have to pick up my washing’ or ‘I stepped in dog shit while barefoot.’”

Screambloodyleprosy


33. ‘I wanna have your abortion.’

“Girl broke out ‘I wanna have your abortion.’
I almost choked, didn’t realize it was a line from Fight Club (book and movie outtake) and she was trying to be funny.”

billbapapa


34. ‘You’re a scary monster, you’re a scary monster!’

“Was dating a beautiful, sexy, way out of my class she’s so hot kinda girl! We’ve only had sex about 3 times at this time and every time we did she just laid there. No real sounds made, would bit her lip and quietly moan, that was about it. Well I thought ‘Okay that’s it, this is boring, time to spice it up.’ So I yell at her ‘Talk dirty to me, Talk dirty to me.’ About 30 seconds goes by and she screams out, ‘You’re a scary monster, you’re a scary monster!’”

uffda1985


35. ‘I can’t wait to have you cum on my penis.’

“My wife never has gotten the hang of dirty talk. Some of her best ones yet are:

‘I know you want to poo.’

‘Stick it in my pee hole.’ (long talk after this one on anatomy)

‘I can’t wait to have you cum on my penis.’ (she don’t have a penis, she was going for pussy but at this time I had unsheathed)

After cumming in her, ‘I love it when you make me a milkshake.’

‘OMG your ankle is so hot.’”

AbaddonSF


36. ‘I want to be a single mother.’

“‘I want to be a single mother.’”

alloiledup


37. ‘Yes, yes, I want to bear your children.’

“Mid session ‘Yes, yes, I want to bear your children.’ Never the same after that one.”

Nicknamesucks


38. ‘You look a lot like your mum.’

“‘You look a lot like your mum.’

Okay, not technically dirty talk, but I was inside her at the time.

I’m a man.”

snorkl-the-dolphine


39. ‘I said give it to me please.’

“While going down on her:
Her: moaning ‘give it to me please’
Me: ‘What?’
Her: (normal voice) ‘I said give it to me please’
Me: ‘Oh…’”

DaMistaJoni


40. ‘Can I sweep your chimney, sir?’

“‘Can I sweep your chimney, sir?’ in a high-pitched Cockney voice, and I’m a woman.”

tryingtoreclaimyouth


41. ‘You’re taking my cock in your mouth!’

“The guy just basically said what was happening, as though I wasn’t there and didn’t know what the hell was going on. For example, we were doing anal and he just kept saying ‘I’m fucking you in the ass! I’m fucking you in the ass!’ I just responded with ‘Uh, YEAH you are!,’ but all I could think was ‘Why couldn’t he say something less retarded like “do you like how I’m fucking you in the ass, baby?”’ and it sort of killed my mood a little. I also was deep-throating him once and he exclaimed ‘You’re taking my cock in your mouth!’ (again, obvious and pointless), but I initially misheard it as ‘You’ve taken SO many cocks in your mouth!’ which made me so unexpectedly confused that I had to stop and clarify before resuming.”

NovaFortis


42. ‘Yeah, you like my tiny dick?’

“‘Yeah, you like my tiny dick?’ His dick wasn’t little at all. I think he was thinking of two different things to say and mixed it up. I didn’t acknowledge it so I don’t think he knows I heard it, though.”

Scribbsley


43. ‘Yessa massa, harder massa, take that ass like you did my ancestas!’

“I’m a white male who has a black girlfriend. ‘Yessa massa, harder massa, take that ass like you did my ancestas!’ ~My girlfriend. It hurt my soul.”

Ozmataz50


44. ‘Your pussy isn’t little.’

“He was always pressuring me to talk dirty, so I summoned every ounce of courage and closed my eyes and said something, including the phrase ‘little pussy’ and this fucking jackass tells me it isn’t little. I was super confused and he repeats that it isn’t little. Like fuck man. He didn’t even understand why I was upset! First you basically bully me into embarrassing myself, then you call me loose. He couldn’t figure out why I wanted him to leave and he couldn’t figure out why I wouldn’t sleep with him again.

Don’t stick your dick in crazy, and don’t let dumb stick its dick in you.”

ParadiseSold


45. ‘Oh wow my Willy is excited….’

“‘Oh wow my Willy is excited….’ 4 years ago and it still cracks me up.”

daveotedtofoo


46. ‘Tell me how hot I am!’

“During a mediocre night, he started saying, ‘tell me I’m hot! Tell me how hot I am!’

I felt like he was thinking of himself the whole time.”

sphynxthelyon


47. ‘Oh…oh my wonderful daughter, you’re so tight!’

“‘Oh…oh my wonderful daughter, you’re so tight!’ Creeped me the fuck out.”

NettleGnome


48. ‘I wanna fuck you so fucking hard.’

“‘I wanna fuck you so fucking hard.’ Like, OK, but think of something a bit more imaginative.”

satansmum


49. ‘I wish there was a church open right now so we could get married.’

“While high on mushrooms at 2am the girl told me: ‘Get me pregnant’ and ‘I wish there was a church open right now so we could get married.’

2nd date.”

alepocalypse


50. ‘I want to paint my semen across your back.’

“Some of the worst dirty talk I’ve heard has originated with me. I’m male and both phrases were uttered when I was with my ex wife:

Right before insertion I whispered, ‘I want to feel you inside me.’

During sex I told her, ‘I want to paint my semen across your back.’

I don’t try dirty talk anymore.”

diabolus


51. ‘Are we going to do this, I’m not as young as I used to be.’

“Didn’t get to bed because of ‘are we going to do this, I’m not as young as I used to be.’ Instant Sahara.”

6368_39162


52. ‘Oh wow yes biting the nipple, fuck yes, love it, love it.’

“Probably from one ex who insisted on live commentating throughout the whole procedure. So there’s a bit of foreplay going on, I’m kissing his body, his neck, rubbing my breasts down his chest to his crotch etc and all I hear is ‘Oh fuck yes, feels good, on my neck yes. Wow, love it. Oh wow yes biting the nipple, fuck yes, love it, love it. Oh fuck titties on my dick, yes, yes, yes tittie fuck tittie fuck, yes. Love it,’ etc. I wanted to smother him with a pillow by this point. There was nothing even remotely sexy about the way he was talking.”

Mistress_Auri


53. ‘I’ll bend over and then you put your cock between my tits.’

“The worst dirty talk is the dirty talk that doesn’t make sense. my gf is bad for this. ‘I’ll bend over and then you put your cock between my tits.’ Instantly kills the mood as I have to bring up that although I would like to do that, it’s not possible.”

seannyyym


54. ‘I want you to put your hot dog in my pink taco.’

“‘I want you to put your hot dog in my pink taco.’

First off, not sexy in the slightest to bring up food during sex, especially metaphorically. Second, my interests in eating a taco with a hot dog in it skyrocketed following the event.

We still fucked, it just took me a solid minute to regain my urges.”

SonicThePothead


55. ‘Glaze me like a donut.’

“I don’t remember the exact line, but it was something along the lines of ‘glaze me like a donut’ as I was about to finish. I burst out laughing and couldn’t finish. She was dead serious and said it in a sexy voice, which just made it funnier.”

MyNameIsRay


56. ‘I’d love another man to fuck me from behind while you hold me.’

“The missus and I were getting a bit passionate in bed, so I thought it was prime time to ask (yet again) if she’d like a threesome. To my amazement she said ‘Yes.’ I couldn’t believe my luck and said ‘Really???’ She replied ‘Oh yes, I’d love another man to fuck me from behind while you hold me.’ I told her that wasn’t the sort of threesome I had in mind. She told me that was the only type I was fucking well getting.”

TenMen72


57. ‘Yeah, there’s a pickle in them, too.’

“Met a cute guy in college and we’re about to get it on and he’s in his boxers, they have pickles on them and I giggle and say ‘You’ve got pickles on your boxers.’ He replies in a sultry voice ‘Yeah, there’s a pickle in them, too.’ Aaaaaaand instant buzzkill. Also to my dismay it was more like a sweet gherkin than a big dill pickle.”

PizzaOwl TC mark

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