41 Guys Confess The Most Embarrassingly Stupid Thing They Ever Did Just To Get Laid

Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz
Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz
Found on AskReddit.

1. I agreed to have sex with a guy on craigslist in exchange for having sex with his girlfriend.

“I agreed to have sex with a guy on craigslist in exchange for having sex with his girlfriend. He pretended to be the girl online. I was young and stupid. Had sex with him, don’t think there ever was a girl.”

Fly_By_Orchestra


2. I did the motherfucking dishes.

“This is going to seem stupid, but the motherfucking dishes. I know chores need to get done, but there’s idea of ‘choreplay,’ where the guy does a bunch of chores to help the woman get in the mood. It doesn’t work.”

PaleBlueEye


3. I cried and told her I loved her.

“I cried and told her I loved her. I’m a real piece of shit. Had sex, though.”

Spreddit_4_ME


4. Joined the Communist Club at my high school.

“Joined the Communist Club at my high school, never even hooked up with her.”

saint_anamia


5. Once a girl said she would have sex with me if I ate a horse turd. And I actually did it.

“Once a girl said she would have sex with me if I ate a horse turd. And I actually did it. After I ate the whole thing (the taste of that thing alone… it haunts me), she didn’t want to kiss me because she said my breath smelled like shit.”

summersneq


6. I had to watch the last 20 minutes of Toy Story 3, in bed with her and her 6-year-old son.

“I got invited over for a booty call from a woman I met outside a store, we never even went on a date, and before we got busy I had to watch the last 20 minutes of Toy Story 3, in bed with her and her 6-year-old son. I was desperate and she was a yoga teacher. It was worth it.”

theartofeverything


7. The swingers I intended to meet were not in their 30s as I mistakenly assumed, but in their 60s.

“Drove 35 miles at 1 a.m. in my clapped-out 63 Impala while on leave. Arrived to find that the swingers I intended to meet were not in their 30s as I mistakenly assumed, but in their 60s. Still banged, had a great time. Was 21.”

11bulletcatcher


8. Drove to Phoenix and back in one night from southern California (12 hours drive time).

“Drove to Phoenix and back in one night from southern California (12 hours drive time). It wasn’t worth it.”

FallenAngel_02


9. Drove to Syracuse.

“Drove to Syracuse… it worked, but still… Syracuse…”

HealthyDebtlover


10. I went to Indiana.

“I went to Indiana.”

502Fury


11. I moved to Cleveland.

“I moved to Cleveland.”

ranatalus


12. Thirty-one hours of driving for one bang.

“I was dating a girl very briefly when she had to go to St. Louis for work for several months. Since we’d only been dating a month we decided to just do out things that summer and maybe reconnect when she got back to Chicago. Well about month in she asks if I’d like to come visit and spend the weekend. I wanted guaranteed sex, so I said yes. Three days before I’m set to go down there, she calls and says that she has to come to Chicago for a job interview during the time I’m supposed to be there. Since I was living at my mom’s place (this was right out of college), we wouldn’t have anywhere to go in the city and very little time to do anything.

So, I took an eight-hour bus ride to St. Louis. Got into town at 6pm, we banged once and went to bed, woke up at 6am, drove seven hours to Chicago, she did her interview, we drove seven hours back to St. Louis, she woke up and went to work and I took a nine-hour bus ride back to Chicago. Then she sent me a Facebook message saying we shouldn’t see one another anymore.”

duh_metrius


13. I walked seven hours.

“I was in high school and just lost my virginity to this girl. My parents didn’t want to drive me anywhere and she lived in the next town over. So the next day I walked there, which took me about 7 hours.”

So6oring


14. Drove 24 total hours for 3 minutes of glory.

“Drove 12 hours (each way) after meeting a girl. She told me to swing by her place next time I was in town. I said ‘oh, I’ll be here next weekend too!’ with no prior plans of ever returning to that shithole. Drove 24 total hours for 3 minutes of glory.”

Yup4545


15. I ended up just sadly laying on the floor.

“SO in shower, we hadn’t even gone to 3rd base, and I laid on the floor by the door hoping that she would take the hint and take it upon herself to climb on top of me and make THAT our special moment. I ended up just sadly laying on the floor.”

greencaptain


16. I was wet, she was wet, no one got laid ‘cause I got sick.

“I was 18, my gf at the time (now wife) lived in another city about 90km away (just under 60miles for you American folk). During one of the heaviest rain storms known to mankind, I got on my 1996 Yamaha FZR 600 motorcycle with nearly bald tires and drove over. I was wet, she was wet, no one got laid ‘cause I got sick.”

CubbyNINJA


17. Paid actual money to sit in a theater and watch Twilight 2.

“Paid actual money to sit in a theater and watch Twilight 2. It worked, though.”

TooBadFucker


18. Started smoking.

“Started smoking. Got laid for 3 months. Still have the habit 20yrs later. Fuck you Amanda.”

zadreth


19. Blew my dad’s engine.

“She lived in another city. We’d usually commute back and forth to have sex. Well, one day she informs me there her parents were out. Being the horny 16-year-old I was, I hop in my 89 Ford Escort and haul ass to her place. I was warned by my dad not to drive it anywhere. About 5 minutes into the trip, I hear ticking. Ticking turned to tapping. Tapping turned to knocking. Knocking turned to a connecting rod being slung through the block. I was about halfway there at this point. I give her a call to explain the problem and ask to pick me up. Nope, her sister is using her car. Next I had to make the call to my dad. Not a fun night.”

shitterplug


20. Took guitar lessons for eight years.

“Took guitar lessons for eight years and joined a high school jazz band. Learned all the Led Zeppelin songs i could, took way to long to realize high school girls don’t like classic rock or jazz band that much…”

Telepaul25


21. Became a vegetarian for nine long months.

“Became a vegetarian for nine long months. Not even a grope before a dirty bacon sandwich brought me back to my senses.”

lavachequipisse


22. Mercifully we were not kidnapped by rebels.

“I was in Kuta, Bali looking for love….like sailors do. Indonesia, being the largest Muslim nation in the world, frowns upon prostitution. So it wasn’t like the PI, Thailand or S. Korea. … there were simply no prostitutes! They always say ‘ask the cab drivers. They always know where to find the goods’ 6 drunken sailors, 2 cabs, a 2hr drive into the jungle…..

Long story short, mercifully we were not kidnapped by rebels. We found ourselves in a jungle clearing at what appeared to be an ancient colonial plantation style mansion. It was like out of a movie… twenty-ish beautiful women lined up outside. The madam asked us to choose one each. That was the most glorious night of my life, and could have easily been my last.”

R67H


23. Took three semesters of computer science.

“Took three semesters of computer science to stay in a study group with a girl I occasionally got to have sex with.”

OnionSquire


24. Learned French.

“Learned French. Literally. I spent two goddamn years learning French in the hopes of impressing this one French girl that I knew. I took classes, went to France, did all this bullshit, and it didn’t even work. But at least now I know French.”

zombychicken


25. I joined the marching band in high school so that I would have a class with her every day.

“I joined the marching band in high school so that I would have a class with her every day. I’d march during shows and pretend like I was playing the trumpet.”

 SWWayin


26. Tried to impress a girl by doing a back flip on a wakeboard.

“Tried to impress a girl by doing a back flip on a wakeboard. Landed on my back, knee crashing into my face, and got a black eye. Needless to say we did not bump nasties, was worth it though.”

rfox71rt


27. I bought her roommates white wine and watched Sex and the City with them.

“I bought her roommates white wine and watched Sex and the City with them. Nothing ended up happening.”

grammaton


28. I once trained for and ran a half-marathon ’cause I thought it would impress a girl.

“I once trained for and ran a half-marathon ’cause I thought it would impress a girl. It did not. Solid year and a half of being fit, though.”

mikeatwork19


29. Got rear-ended driving from LA to Phoenix.

“Driving from LA to Phoenix for a hook-up. Got rear-ended on the way outta town. Car was fucked, I was concussed…snagged her insurance info and got back on the road. Can’t recall if the sex was worth it.”

Roaminsooner


30. I came out after my shower nude.

“Tried several times to have sex with a female friend. She stayed over and even slept in my bed I came out after my shower nude, walked into my bedroom…she laughed said you’re silly and left my bedroom to go hang with my roommate. Friendzoned.”

stormtide311


31. Ninety minutes of walking plus a period-blood-covered hand.

“I once walked 45 minutes to this girl’s place. Told my mom I was going Frisbee golfing and then navigated to her place by foot on my phone. She was on her period so all I got was a blowjob. I did finger her though. On my way home, I stopped by a Burger King and realized my whole hand was bloody. Washed my hands, bypassed any food cause I felt gross, and walked the 45 minutes home. So 90 minutes of walking plus a period-blood-covered hand. I have so many regrets.”

jludey


32. Drove from Lubbock TX to Omaha NE to meet a girl I met in a chatroom on AOL.

“Drove from Lubbock TX to Omaha NE to meet a girl I met in a chatroom on AOL. Yes, that makes me old. Didn’t score. She was butt-ugly.”

Artorrworks


33. Went to a vegan fair with a girl.

“Went to a vegan fair with a girl. Worst Sunday ever. I did not get laid.”

Homosexual_Panda


34. Sat through an entire church session for a very Catholic girl.

“Borderline atheist here. Sat through an entire church session for a very Catholic girl. Worked.”

abraner


35. I once dated a vegan hippie chick.

“I once dated a vegan hippie chick. That’s it. End of story. If this doesn’t seem like a big deal, then you’ve never dated a vegan hippie chick.”

sfbay_throwaway6724


36. I cleaned that secret spot on the back of the toilet that girls check before they will have sex with you.

“I cleaned that secret spot on the back of the toilet that girls check before they will have sex with you.”

punch____


37. Took up smoking.

“Took up smoking. Six years later—yeah I had sex, but I’m also about to light up another.”

Hungover_Pilot


38 Read three John Green books.

“Read three John Green books. I was a 16-yr-old boy at the time. I actually enjoyed them even though the main audience for his books are teenage girls.”

spammachine


39. Slipped on black ice, jammed my hip, rode home in wet clothing.

“Rode through an ice storm on my bike and slipped on black ice a few times en route. I jammed up my hip pretty bad falling and there was no chemistry when I got there. We halfheartedly banged anyway because I’m pretty sure both of us did the math and figured it was easier to just fulfill the contract than call it off at that point. I then had to ride home in the same ice storm in wet clothing. 3/10 would not repeat.”

negativeyoda


40. Listened to the Dixie Chicks…and said I liked it.

“Listened to the Dixie Chicks…and said I liked it. And, I came up empty that night.”

Subarunicycle


41. She often lectured me about how wrong my views were…but that girl fucked like it was her job.

“Dated a girl that was hardcore liberal/feminist but I knew would sleep with me because one of her friends had told me she had admitted to wanting to fuck me before. Her family literally insulted my political views every time I met them. She often lectured me about how wrong my views were…but that girl fucked like it was her job. I used to get texts at 2 am-skip work tomorrow and come to my house and we will go to my family’s condo for the weekend- I nearly pointed out of that job. Now we are still good friends and she is actually my lawyer.”

camphopestories TC mark

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  • http://kedawithani.wordpress.com kedawithani

    😂😂😂😂😂😂 this is hilarious… duhhh why would she want to kiss you after you just ate shit… lmao… I dont believe these though…no way is all of this true…!!! Lol

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