18. He accused the neighborhood of murdering his dog.
“My neighbor is very weird. He never waves and has a permanent sneer on his face. When we moved in we were warned he’s a registered sex offender and to call the cops if we see him with kids. One day, he calls up out of the blue. I’ve never spoken to him before but he proceeds to launch into his explaination of the sex offender record. Basically, he claims that he hurt some kid in a locker room while they both happened to be naked. He says it was plain old vanilla assault where both parties happened to be nude. Then he hung up.
That’s not the weird part it’s just to give you an idea of what he’s like.
One day he starts building a sign in front of his house. Not like a little poster. Its professionally printed on metal and mounted on two huge posts set with concrete. The sign is a picture of a puppy and a long rambling story about how he let his puppy play in the street and it got hit by a car 10 years ago, but its written in a way where he seems to accuse the neighborhood of murdering his dog. Next to this sign, covering his entire fence, is an enormous banner reading ‘We Miss You!’ (I don’t know who ‘We’ is. He lives alone) and an even larger picture of the puppy which isn’t necessary because directly in front of the banner, sitting on a folding card table, is the actual puppy. He had it stuffed and set it out on display and left it there for days and hid behind the fence waiting for someone to mess with it but nobody did. The puppy and the banner disappeared but the metal sign was permanent. It stayed up for years until a bad storm ripped it down.
I always wondered what he does with the dog. Does it stay in a closet or does he keep it out in his house? I got my answer. I have a friend who does construction and one day he was hired by weirdo neighbor to build a shed. Without my even asking he tells me the guy keeps a stuffed dog in the living room like a piece of furniture and that he talks to it.”
19. She accused the upstairs neighbor of stealing her raccoon.
“I lived in a complex of sorts with stacked townhouses and a communal backyard. One night I went out for a smoke and heard a commotion. There is a cracked-out middle-aged woman who is yelling at her upstairs neighbor for stealing her raccoon. Yes, she yelled that it was her raccoon because she left a bag of sugar out for it which is apparently a delicacy to raccoons. The raccoon was on the upstairs neighbors’ balcony so to get it back she constructed this ramshackle stairway of garbage (upturned garbage cans, broken chairs, etc.) and tried to climb up while wielding a hula hoop. She managed to get to the top of garbage mountain and somehow thought she could trap the raccoon with a hula hoop (????). Other neighbor came out and a fight ensued with upstairs neighbor biting the crackhead. Police were called. Raccoon was never seen again.”