29. ‘Stop hitting me, I’m eight months pregnant!’

“Two stories, both times I lived with my oldest brother who was a big guy (350 lbs. 6’4″):

First apartment we got was the first one we looked at, and was a slum 2-1 apartment. We were the only white guys in the entire complex, but no big deal. Until we realized that above us was a prostitute (SWAT eventually got called on her) and if you wanted meth or coke, units to the left, if you wanted weed or heroin, units to the right. Ownership changed 8 times in 18 months, and they always tried to adjust our lease. I would just hand the paper to my brother and he would go intimidate them. And there was ‘Lucky.’ Lucky was a barstool I kept from a bar I ran that went out of business. I kept Lucky outside with an ashtray outside. Lucky was stolen. Three times. Once when I got home at 4:00 am (am bartender) found him on prostitute’s porch with a doily and potted plant on it. Once disappeared for three months just to find Lucky back, with the stolen ashtray and all. Once found it in my landlord’s unit while he was using it to iron his pants. Lucky has seen some shit.

Second was in a nicer complex. Until upstairs neighbor moved in. Single Mom, two kids. They literally would make enough noise to make the ceiling shake. Did the old broom thump thing because it started at 8am until midnight. Got two noise complaints from HER. My mother was visiting, and Ma don’t fuck around. She’s hearing what I told her about and goes upstairs to confront the neighbor. She slams on the door and the woman opens it. Her kids are literally climbing onto the top of the couch and jumping off it as hard as gravity and the rage of the unholy Sun would let them. Before my mother could say anything, the woman picks up the phone, calls 9-11 and screams ‘Stop hitting me, I’m 8 months pregnant!’ (She was not.) Restraining order filed against us (which was dismissed), but we did move units. Did have to stop Mom from beating the bitch up, though. Her words: ‘If I’m going to get arrested, I’m going to fuck that whore’s face up properly.’”
—LeprosyMan

30. My neighbor below me was a schizophrenic and was convinced that I spent all day dropping pans on the floor to upset her.

“My neighbor below me was a schizophrenic and was convinced that I spent all day dropping pans on the floor to upset her when I was actually at work all day.

She would call the police on me at all times of the night for noise complaints even when I was asleep. She once got so angry she knocked on the door and tried to rip the towel off my housemate since she has disturbed them getting in the shower.

A man who came to fix the boilers in the building serviced our flat after hers and told us that she had a cupboard full of live frogs.

She told me she was going to burn our house down, I tried to get her sectioned under the mental health act so she could at least get some help. We ended up going to court and she got evicted.”
—pirateflag