1. Farted on his dick during anal.
“Farted on his dick during anal. It was embarrassing in a funny way, we laughed so hard that he lost his boner (yes, from the laughing, and not the fart. He was weird).”
2. Threw up Chinese food on a penis.
“Threw up Chinese food on a penis lol. He would’t quit pushing my head, though, so I really don’t feel that bad about it.”
3. She had sand all up in her vagina.
“I ate a girl out (or tried to, anyway) after we just came back from the beach. She had sand all up in her vagina. We were both drunk, and it was my first time having sex, so I just went for it. It tasted terrible. Oh, and her roommate also saw me naked. Interesting night, to say the least.”
4. I angled his dick so he shot himself in the eye.
“I was blowing him and just when he was about to cum I accidentally angled it such that he shot himself in the eye. He was not a happy camper.”
5. Nothing like giving a beej and then having a cop knock on the window.
“Back in high school, I’m hooking up with this boy in his car. Nothing like giving a beej and then having a cop knock on the window. He thought we were smoking weed because the windows were so fogged.”
6. While changing positions I kneed her in the vagina.
“While changing positions I kneed her in the vagina.”
7. I came so hard that I collapsed on her and bloodied her nose.
“Girl was giving me an enthusiastic BJ/HJ. I came so hard that I collapsed on her and bloodied her nose. She laughed it off but I was mortified. Miss that girl.”
8. She got her period while I was going down on her.
“I was going down on a girl when she spasmed a bit, squeezing her thighs together around my head. This put a good amount of pressure around my nose and before I realize it blood pours from my face onto her vulva. She sees my bloody face and checks herself. Poor girl had a brief horrified realization that she got her period while I was going down on her before I explained what happened.”
9. I’m still not sure if I actually came or if I peed in her mouth a little.
“First time I ever got my D sucked…when I came…I’m still not sure if I actually came or if I peed in her mouth a little…It’s been 7 years…and I’m still not sure…”
10. Lost my boner and my condom while inside her.
“Was with a girl I’d never sleep with under normal circumstances, lost my boner and my condom while inside her. Longest three minutes of my life.”
11. Vomit on the ol’ schlong.
“Vomit on the ol’ schlong. Warm and tingly. Smells terrible, feels great. Mixed feelings.”
12. My dick kinda snapped and she yelped like a wounded puppy and fell flat.
“My first time trying anal…My sexual knowledge at the time was completely based off porn I had watched. My girlfriend and I were doing it doggy style and one of the porns I had recently watched popped into my head. I remember thinking, ‘That chicken loved it when that dude pulled out and just jammed it in her ass.’ So, I pulled out and power thrusted right into her tight little virgin balloon knot. It was like trying to fuck a brick wall…My dick kinda snapped and she yelped like a wounded puppy and fell flat. We both kinda just laid there and cried…”
13. She cut open the head of my penis. Blood everywhere.
“GF was reaching down my pants to cop a feel at a bowling alley. Got me hard. She had long nails. She cut open the head of my penis. Blood everywhere. Thought I was gonna die.”
14. I shat on his dick during anal.
“I shat on his dick during anal. We were 18 and it was one of the first times we did it.
Things were going well, and then he took it out: it looked like a fucking mushroom. It was covered by a pile of soft, smelly shit. He yelled something like ‘woooooww shit…!!’ and I just ran to the bathroom to clean up and hide. I didn’t even bother to check how he would be dealing with that, I have never been so embarrassed in my life.
It taught me to never ever have anal sex in the morning.”
15. A ceiling fan took a chunk out of my noggin.
“In a MMF 3some, she was riding him reverse cowgirl so I stood up to get her to suck my dick. We were on her bed and right when I stood up she yelled my name and ‘look out!’ That’s when the (set on high speed) ceiling fan took a chunk out of my noggin.”
16. My bed looked like a crime scene.
“Was eating an ex girl out shitfaced…must have cut her somewhere in the vagina while doing so and didn’t notice until a minute or two later. I have a beard so it literally looks like i just hunted and ate a small animal, my bed looked like a crime scene. She cried hysterically because she thought she was dying (drunk logic) but I couldn’t stop laughing due to the fact I looked like a cannibal after a fresh meal.”
17. In one tug…it went off.
“My first one. My stepsister’s friend when I was 13 (she was 16). She was waiting for my stepsister to come home from work and came into my room while I was doing homework. She wasn’t that attractive, but after we were talking and whatnot she started hinting about my love life (I just turned 13…I had no love life). She asked what I’ve done so far with a girl (nothing). So one thing led to another…I let her see me naked. She stood up and was about to get undressed too…she reached out first and decided to feel my Johnson and in one tug…it went off. She yelped at the surprise of the first burst, dropped it, and that was the end of it. My first hand job. All my other experiences are tied for 2nd worse. I’m better at other things like video games and making spaghetti.”
18. Snapped the little string that connects the skin and the top of the penis.
“Girl was a bit dry but I thought it’ll be okay so I thrusted away. Snapped the little string that connects the skin and the top of the penis. If you’re wondering, yes, there is blood everywhere.”
19. I was rimming him and he farted in my mouth.
“I was rimming him and he farted in my mouth.”
20. She punches me square in the Adam’s apple and I can’t breathe.
“Throat punch girl. A love story of sorts:
I was on a night out and decided to go home with a girl I kind of knew for what we call a ‘one and done.’
As we’re getting a bit hot and heavy, about to do the deed, she stops me and says ‘I have to warn you, I am prone to hitting people during the act,’ to which I said ‘Okay?’ while my inner pervert went, ‘let’s get doing this then slight love tap girl.’
We start with her on top and things are going well for about 5 seconds, then she gets this look in her eyes that would scare the shit out of Charles Manson. With that she cocks her arm back and makes a fist, using her other arm as leverage to square up the shot. I jerk my hips to try throw her off me but it was all too late, she punches me square in the Adam’s apple and I can’t breathe.
I get her off me, unable to breathe, and sit on the edge of the bed trying my best to shout ‘you punched me in the throat’ while she tries to comfort me and apologizes.
Cue 10 minutes of me trying to leave while barely able to catch my breath and get the condom of my flaccid fellow. My throat was sore for over a week.
Tl;DR; Got warned I might get hit. Got hit. Got hit bad.”
21. I ended up peeing on the bed and his hand.
“In my first relationship, my BF was trying to get me off with his hand. I never had an orgasm before, and so I wasn’t sure what it would feel like. I had this built-up sensation in my groin and figured that was it and I should let it go…ended up peeing on the bed and his hand. His response was, ‘Does that count?’ He was still proud of himself but I was mortified.”
22. I’m sitting there naked under the covers feeling like the absolute worst piece of shit on earth.
“Hooking up with this chick I met like 10 years prior, came across each other on POF. We date a little and start fucking semi regularly on nights her kid is not home. Her kid (daughter) is like 6 or 7 years old. Wellllllll one night were hanging and the daughter IS home and asleep…we both think Hey, we can bone quietly. So we go to the bedroom and get into it. We’re quiet at first but eventually pick up speed and before we know it we’re not so quiet anymore, at all. Full-on bed rocking…
…suddenly from outside the door and in hallway I/we hear a hysterically crying little girl shouting and sobbing ‘I want my daddy/I miss my daddy’ over and over again. Chick throws clothes on and consoles her pretty much traumatized daughter. I’m sitting there naked under the covers feeling like the absolute worst piece of shit on earth. I was a single dad and have a daughter pretty close to age as chick’s daughter; I was mortified at the idea of my daughter having to hear the same and crying out that she missed me while baby momma was getting railed by random dude. This was a good 4 or 5 years ago and still anytime I think about it I get shame-infused goosebumps thinking about it.”
23. My balls still hold a grudge.
Wife and I were playing around in bed and she was tugging on my boxers, I started to tickle her and she pulled on the waistband of my undies till they got full extension and let go. Nothing has ever killed a boner for me faster than a hypersonic mass of elastic and fabric blasting me full force right in the marblebag.
14 years this has happened twice….she claims innocence, but my balls still hold a grudge.”
24. Audibly gagged when an errant hair got in my mouth.
“Started eating her out, and then audibly gagged when an errant hair got in my mouth.”
25. He discovered tape crisscrossed all over my chest.
“I had gone out dressed in a shirt that would not allow for a bra so I use some tape to support and lift my breasts. Forgot about it went home with a guy and at the stage of undressing he discovered tape crisscrossed all over my chest. I thought it was funny; he noped out of there.”
26. Too much suction and ended up biting his penis.
“First serious boyfriend. Blowjob. Too much suction and ended up biting his penis. I cried like a baby I was so upset and embarrassed.”
27. My finger went in the wrong hole.
“My GF was on my lap in tight jeans and i was trying to slip a finger in, well it went in the wrong hole. She jumped up real fast.”
28. Fell asleep with a girl riding me.
“Fell asleep with a girl riding me.”
29. He had snapped the string and there was blood all down the front of my white dress!
“Was having sex with a guy in the dark, noticed he was covered in blood. I felt bad because I thought it was my period, we cleaned up a bit and I went down on him only to realize the blood wasn’t coming from me but him, he had snapped the string and there was blood all down the front of my white dress! I went home and threw up!”
30. Farted on her chin during a blowjob.
“Farted on her chin during a blowjob. She gave me a dirty look, then laughed and kept going.”
31. My dick stopped working a quarter of the way in.
“Had my first foursome this weekend (first of any group sex for me). My dick stopped working a quarter of the way in. Yeah, I went down on the girl and tried my best to get her off, but damn does it suck to feel inadequate in that regard. Definitely not going into that again without some pills to keep it rigid.”
32. Put my palm right into the cold puddle of cat diarrhea my roommate’s cat had left me.
“Was having some pretty aggressive sex with my then-girlfriend on my bed, with a nice brown comforter on it. When I shifted my hand to get a better angle put my palm right into the cold puddle of cat diarrhea my roommate’s cat had left me. Sexy time was over, but she laughed pretty hard.”
33. She shot a stream of blood at me.
“When I was still a novice at this whole shebang, I wasn’t informed at the time that clipping your nails was a necessity.
So myself and my (now ex) GF were going at it, having a good time, and I’m finger-blasting her like no tomorrow. She tells me to go faster, so I do, and I’m REALLY going at it, like an actual jackhammer, but with my fingers. She stiffens up, and lets out a moan, cums, and for the first time squirts.
It wasn’t cum. It was blood.
She shot a stream of blood at me.
Of course I didn’t know it was blood until we turned on the lights and she started feeling a burning sensation down there. There was blood everywhere. It was like a horror scene, or like a pig factory.”
34. The bed collapsed. I sprained my leg.
“I was doing the no-pants dance with my girlfriend in high school in my rickety twin bed and halfway through making the beast with two backs, the bed collapsed. I sprained my leg.”
35. I don’t have one.
“The fact that I don’t have one.”