1. “I like your big cock.”
“‘I like your big cock.’
I’m a woman. To be fair, he was drunk.”
2. “That mole on your back doesn’t look good.”
“‘That mole on your back doesn’t look good,’ then he proceeded to check the rest of my back for signs of skin cancer. While he was still in me.”
3. “It’s tighter than I thought it would be.”
“‘It’s tighter than I thought it would be.’
….what in the literal fuck…?”
4. “You have a petite clitoris.”
“‘You have a petite clitoris.’
That was the second date. Never spoke to the dude again.”
5. “What’s Montana’s state motto?”
“He was stoned off his ass and kept asking me geography trivia questions between thrusts.
‘Is Mexico bigger longitudinally or laterally?’
‘What’s Montana’s state motto?’”
6. “Wow, you are just like my mom.”
“‘Wow, you are just like my mom.’”
7. “Oh, you like it monkey style!”
“One night stand with a guy (am female). I was drunk as hell, but was having a good time. In the heat of the moment I said ‘harder!’ and he said: ‘Oh, you like it monkey style!’ and proceeded to make monkey noises until he came. Like, ‘ooo oooo ooo oooh eeeh eeh eeeh eeeeeeehh!!’ Very strange. For the record, wasn’t so into ‘monkey style.’”
8. “I want to rub your clit with my cock, but not stick it in because that wouldn’t be Christian.”
“‘I want to rub your clit with my cock, but not stick it in because that wouldn’t be Christian.’”
9. “Meow.”
“‘Meow.’
Yup. He started meowing and acting like a cat.”
10. “What if I told you that I was a Native American that killed your grandfather?”
“Him: ‘What if I told you that I was a Native American that killed your grandfather?’ Me: ‘I guess I would ask why you did that.’”
11. “You feel just like my ex.”
“‘You feel just like my ex.’ Kicked his ass out of my place in two seconds.”
12. “You look JUST like your sister.”
“‘You look JUST like your sister.’
You could hear me deflate.”
13. “Bye-bye, Miss American Pie…”
“I was hooking up with a close friend of mine for the first time at a Halloween party. We were pretty drunk, and it was super fun, but he started…singing. Quietly at first, but then louder and louder until he’s kind of yell-singing ‘BYYYYE BYE MISS AMERICAN PIE, DROVE MY CHEVY TO THE LEVEE…’
Like, that song wasn’t playing anywhere, no idea why that was the song he picked, and he pretty much kept singing until he came. I kinda just went with it. It was the only time we ever hooked up so I never got to find out if he always did that, or if it was a one-time thing…I still randomly think about it and laugh, though. Miss American Pie, so random.”
14. “If you fart, I’ll puke all over your vagina.”
“While eating me out, my boyfriend said ‘If you fart, I’ll puke all over your vagina.’ We’re married now.”
15. “You know, the word ‘duration’ stems from the Latin ‘durus,’ meaning ‘hard.'”
“We were going at it and I made some comment about his duration. He then says ‘you know, the word duration stems from the latin “durus,” meaning hard!’ and proceeds to make a pun in Latin. On a separate occasion, he also quoted Cicero, saying ‘Quo usque tandem o Catalina.’”
16. “Oh, dear grandma.”
“‘Oh dear grandma’ ….wah??? I was 18 at the time…so I don’t think I resembled his grandmother in any way.”
17. “Oh, yes I’ve always wanted to fuck a Wookie.”
“I hadn’t shaved my legs and my boyfriend’s eating me out and rubbing his hand over my thighs: ‘Oh yes I’ve always wanted to fuck a Wookie.’ He then made Wookie noises for the next five minutes.”
18. “Why do you have dark pubes and your hair is blonde?”
“Was traveling in Japan and met a really cute Japanese guy…after hanging out for a week we hooked up one night. He had told me he’d never been with a non-Japanese girl before…anyway, we both got naked and started fooling around when he suddenly stopped. He looked at me innocently and then asked: ‘Why do you have dark pubes when your hair is blonde?’ I just burst out laughing and said that I’d never even thought of that. Good times.”
19. “You have no gag reflex.”
“‘You have no gag reflex.’ His dick wasn’t that big.”
20. “Well, hello kitty!”
“Gets his face close to my panties pulls them down and says… ‘Well, hello kitty!’ I laughed so hard the night ended there.”
21. “I want to cut you and taste your blood.”
“‘I want to cut you and taste your blood.’ — my angsty teenage boyfriend.”
22. “Baby, I’ll fuck you harder than I fucked that pig.”
“Him: ‘Baby, I’ll fuck you harder than I fucked that pig.’
Me: ‘Well, I’ll screw you more than I’ll screw the poor.’
We were roleplaying as David Cameron and Theresa May.”
23. “Can I have some milk, mummy?”
“‘Can I have some milk, mummy?’”
24. “This is better than bacon.”
“I was once sucking a dude’s dick and he kept saying, ‘This is better than bacon’ over and over. When he was ready to cum he said, ‘I’ve never cum from a blowjob before, you’re going to be the first person besides me who has ever tasted my cum!’ and I said, ‘I hope it tastes like bacon.’ It didn’t :(.”
25. “Go get him.”
“I was about to blow this guy and he took my face in his hands and said ‘go get him.’”
26. “Cowabunga, dude.”
“‘Cowabunga, dude’ as he came….”
27. “You sank my battleship.”
“‘You sank my battleship’ as he came. He also did some other strange things like yoke me up with his dirty sock. I have great taste and high self-esteem.
28. “Feel my power.”
“I had a guy who kept telling me to sleep while fucking me…Then kept calling himself a lion and saying ‘feel my power’; needless to say we didn’t have sex again…”
29. “Oink for me, baby.”
“One-night stand. He wasn’t saying anything other than the usual sex noises and neither was I. Then all of a sudden he says ‘Oink for me, baby.’ I wasn’t totally freaked out by it so I oinked for him…by which I mean I literally just said the word ‘oink’ which was not at all what he wanted me to do, it just made it really awkward. That was one love audition that never came to fruition.”
30. “Oh, god, your ass is so supple.”
“One time I was getting it from behind and the guy said ‘oh god your ass is so supple.’ It caught me off guard, usually I would think that ‘supple’ would be used to describe fruit or something.”
31. “You’re like a solid 8 out of 10.”
“‘God, you’re so beautiful. You’re like a solid 8 out of 10.’
The fuck kind of backhanded compliment is that? And during sex no less? Do not give women an unsolicited rating of their appearance unless you’re telling them they’re a solid 10.
To this day I wonder what exactly he took off the two points for.”
32. “Mmmm…it feels like a nice warm bowl of macaroni. I hope it’s EXTRA cheesy.”
“I took my second boyfriend’s virginity when he was 19. He grew up in a very conservative Catholic home so to paint a picture, when he first started seeing me he’d ask permission to hold my hand or kiss me. At first it was sorta sweet but eventually I told him he didn’t have to ask permission for stuff and to take risks.
A couple weeks after we started having sex, he came to me about dirty talking. He wanted to try it and I think it freaked him out a little I was further advanced about sex and he was trying to over compensate. I said yes, happy to accommodate.
It started as such:
‘Yeah…I’m going to put my PEEE-nis up in your VAG!!!’ As we are making out…I stiffen a bit but know it’s his first time, so I start taking the lead (hoping he gets the hint of subtlety involved) and he starts REALLY getting into it. What I’m saying is tame but is driving him wild so I’m sure he’s figured it out.
He starts to touch me and says ‘Mmmm…it feels like a nice warm bowl of macaroni. I hope it’s EXTRA cheesy.’
Have you ever been so embarrassed that you just can’t do anything but burst out laughing? Maybe it’s just me but I did that. Hard. I knew laughing was a horribly MEAN thing to do but in that moment my body wouldn’t stop even though my mind was screaming for me to cease laughter forever.
Instant awkward. He was embarrassed and I felt horribly embarrassed for him (and myself) and I also felt equally horrible. I know I totally rocked his confidence and I want to publicly apologize to Brandon. Sorry dude. 16-year-old me feels really awful to this day about laughing.”
