1. ‘They broke into my house, stripped me down, and stuck my penis into a ketchup bottle.’
“Long story short, a couple people broke into his house, started asking where Lenny was and when he said he didn’t know they stripped him down and stuck his penis in a ketchup bottle. He called 911 because it got stuck.”
2. ‘I slipped in the shower while skateboarding.’
“Probably late to the show but…I work as a house arrest case manager in a major american city. My favorite cover up i heard came from the juvenile that told his PO that he slipped in the shower and thats what caused his device tamper. He came into my office telling me that he fell while skateboarding and thats how his device came off. This led to the inevitable question, ‘Why were you skateboarding in the shower?’”
3. ‘Jesus must’ve turned them into wine.’
“One day I got dispatched to a call about a guy stealing little bottles of wine from the class six store (the store that sells alcohol, guns, car parts, tools, sporting goods, that kind of stuff). Well I get there, handcuff the guy, get statements from the manager and cashier, and then search the guy before I put him in my car to go back to the squadron. Well while searching him, I found a total of 30 mini bottles on him. 30. I know our uniforms have a lot of pockets, but damn. Anyways, the entire time he’s claiming that he didn’t do anything wrong, he wasn’t stealing them, blah blah blah. The he said it. ‘I swear to God sir, those were water when I put them in there, Jesus must’ve turned them into wine.’
There was also the lady who shit herself, but then claimed that she just sat on some chocolate.”
4. ‘That’s not marijuana, sir, I was just getting some chives to make soup.’
“‘That’s not marijuana sir, I was just getting some chives from the neighbor so my girlfriend could make soup.’”
5. ‘It’s Gary’s car. He’s letting me test-drive it.’
“Stop a car for a traffic violation. Male driver. Female passenger. Ask for both of their IDs because neither have a seatbelt on. Driver says he doesn’t have a DL but gives me a name. I ask him who the female is sitting next to him and he says her name is Danielle and she’s his wife. Ask her to spell her full name and she tries to tell me her first name is Sarah. Ask the guy for vehicle registration and he says it’s not his car. Ask who the car belongs to and he just says ‘Gary.’ I ask for Gary’s last name and he doesn’t know it. Ask where Gary is and he tells me Gary is in Long Beach. Long Beach, CA? Yeah. We’re 2000 miles away from Long Beach. Guy tells me Gary is letting him test drive it because he might buy it.
They both had felony warrants and a few pounds of meth was in a fake keg of Heineken in the back seat.”
6. ‘Naw man, that’s weed! I don’t smoke that fake bullshit!’
“Called to the library for a loud drunken moron, was going to give him a ride somewhere to sober up:
‘Is there anything in your pockets I need to know about?’
‘I dunno, these ain’t my pants…’
‘Nope, pulled them out the lost and found and put them on cause i needed some pants.’
‘What happened to your pants?’
‘I dunno! i woke up, my boys were gone, and I ain’t have no pants!’
pat him down ‘Well, whoever left these pants is going to be pissed they left their spice in the pocket!’
‘Naw man, that’s weed! I don’t smoke that fake bullshit!’”
7. ‘I took a lot of cocaine last night and I needed to check it was still working.’
“A guy I caught masturbating in a park. His excuse was ‘I took a lot of cocaine last night and I needed to check it was still working.’”
8. ‘We were camping.’
“A couple said they were camping.
No camping gear. 1 piece of luggage with their clothes. Completely clean vehicle interior. Didn’t know the name of their campsite. Mexican license plates…that did not belong to the vehicle they were driving.
300 lbs of weed in the panels of the vehicle.”
9. He said I didn’t see him ‘driving’ because he wasn’t in the driver’s seat.
“I caught up to a car on a highway going well over the speed limit. The driver was also weaving through three lanes. After pulling him over, the vehicle came to a stop and began to shake back and forth. I approached the driver side cautiously and no one was sitting in the driver’s seat. The driver, who was the only occupant of the vehicle, had moved across to the front passenger seat and argued that I didn’t see him ‘driving’ because he wasn’t in the driver’s seat. He went to jail that night for DWI.”
10. ‘I didn’t go in.’
“In interview with a woman for shoplifting (we have CCTV of her shoplifting then walking out, she was wearing the same clothes as she was in the CCTV)
‘I didn’t go in.’
We have CCTV showing you going in and stealing.
‘No you don’t.’
It’s here ‘goes to click play’
‘No don’t click play I don’t wanna watch it, it’s not me go away.’
So what did you do?
‘I went in to try on some makeup.’
You just said you didn’t go in?
11. ‘I didn’t do heroin, I just fell asleep.’
“‘I didn’t do heroin, I just fell asleep. There is no way my face was blue and I stopped breathing. The Narcan didn’t wake me up I woke up because I wasn’t sleeping anymore. Now get the fuck out of my house’— person was blue in the face and lifeless.”
12. She and her partner both said they weren’t drunk.
“Tonight at work I was dealing with two middle-aged women, both were very intoxicated and refused to leave a business. One pissed in an office thinking it was the bathroom and didn’t even remember. Her breath reeked of alcohol. She and her partner both said they weren’t drunk. Bartender showed me their tab. It was over $200, mostly vodka shots and margaritas.”
13. ‘Miami is a weird town.’
“I was in the room when this dumb shit happened…
I was in the hospital after an accident (seven broken ribs, a chipped vertebrae and a bruised lung…I don’t recommend it). My ‘roommate’ arrived around midnight with a stab wound and his girlfriend in tow. Of course, being a stab wound, the police naturally had a few questions for this fine example of caucasian urban youth.
Police Officer: What happened here?
Holey Dumbass: I was arguing with my girl in the kitchen and I slipped and fell on a knife.
PO: Uh-huh…you were arguing and just happened to fall and land on a knife.
HD: Yeah, yeah. I got mad and I was tryin’ to walk away and I slipped on some water or somethin’ and I fell and I landed on a knife.
PO: O-kay…and what kind of knife was this?
HD: Fuck, man…I dunno. All I could see was the handle!
PO: And you were arguing in the kitchen?
HD: Thass right, sir.
PO: Not on the front porch of the house next door, where the ambulance picked you up?
HD: Nah, nah…see, we had to go next door to use the phone to call 911.
PO: Is your phone number (XXX)XXX-XXXX?
HD: Yeah, why?
PO: Sir, that’s the number 911 received when you called.
HD: I dunno nothin’ about that.
PO: Right. Are you sure about that, sir?
HD: Yeah, yeah. See, I had all this blood on me, right? And I didn’t wanna get it on my phone, so I went to have my neighbor call for me.
(I should mention at this point that I can’t actually see the Holey Dumbass because the curtain between our beds is mostly shut. I could see the policeman, however, and it was plain that he wasn’t buying it. Meanwhile, I’m desperately trying not to laugh because A) broken ribs hurt like a motherfucker and B) I don’t want HD to hear me and possibly get agitated…I was having a shitty enough day already, TYVM)
PO: All right, I think I have all I need for now. Here’s my card, please call me if you have anything else to add.
HD: Yeah, yeah.
[PO leaves and shuts the door]
GF: I love you, baby…
HD: BITCHYOUSTABBEDME! WHAT THE FUCK?!?
GF: I know, baby. I’m sorry.
HD: ‘s all good. Just don’t be doing that shit to me no more, cool?
GF: I won’t, baby…(snore).
That’s right, she fell asleep in the hospital bed, right next to her holey man….
A couple of hours later, I overheard this lovely exchange…
HD: Wake up!
GF: zzzzzzzzz hunh?
HD: (sounds of a person being shaken) Wake up!
GF: (barely conscious) whaaaaaaaat? i’m sleepin’…
HD: Where them Xanax at, girl?
HD: Where the fuck the Xanax at?
GF: I ate all of ’em…lemme ‘lone.
HD: The fuck?!? The was, like, ten left in the bag!
GF: but i needed ’em…i’s stressed an’ shit…
HD: Th’ fuck? You stressed? I got stabbed! You fucking stabbed me! The fuck out my bed, bitch!
Miami is a weird town.”
14. ‘Bitch didn’t pay for her coke.’
“I got called to a house where two individuals were fighting, boyfriend and girlfriend. I wore a body camera so I got the whole interaction on video. Anyway I walk up to the house and notice the door is open and the man is beating the shit out of this woman. I come in tell them to stop and the woman runs into the kitchen well I obviously follow her to the kitchen table where she’s dumping her coke onto the table to snort it before I confiscate it. They were fighting over coke and the guy didn’t even deny it. He stated ‘bitch didn’t pay for her coke and I needed my money and when I tried to leave with my coke she tried to take it from me so I punched her square in her ugly mouth.’”
15. ‘I was teaching her about sex.’
“‘I was just out for a jog.’ —Guy in full casual clothes, on a remote road, at midnight, near a mental hospital that just reported an escape.
‘I was teaching her about sex.’ —Every child molester ever.
‘They’re my sister’s pants.’ —100 pound boy pointing to his sister who’s a cool 300 pounds on-the-hoof.”
16. ‘I was breaking into the house to steal the marijuana so I could turn it into the police station and get the house owner in trouble.’
“Got called to burglary in progress. I was nearby and caught the guy in the backyard. I cuffed him and read him his rights. He told me that he broke the window and went in the house to take the homeowners marijuana which was just harvested. He assured me that he had every intention of turning in the marijuana to the local police station to get the homeowner in trouble.”
17. ‘We were fishing.’
“They claimed they were fishing…without any fishing gear onboard….After we watched them jettison 1400 lbs of cocaine overboard and had to shoot out their engines to get them to stop running from us. They also changed clothes before we could pull up along side and tried to tell us we had the wrong guys. It was a valiant effort.”
18. ‘The cigarettes and weed were already in my bag.’
“She hadn’t stolen the cigarettes or the weed. Those were already in her hand bag when she was caught stealing the items. As far as I know I don’t think Dollar General sells weed hahahaha.”
19. ‘The blowtorch is for making crème brûlée.‘
“Pulled over a guy who had a blowtorch and asked him what the blowtorch was for, and he told me it was for making crème brûlée, and that he was a chef. Searched the car, found a rig and THC concentrate oil.”