1. ‘Honey, if I wanted to be dating supermodels, I wouldn’t be dating you.’
“My wife (girlfriend at the time) was complaining about supermodel body types, and how she’d never look like them.
In my infinite wisdom, I said to her, ‘Honey, if I wanted to be dating supermodels, I wouldn’t be dating you.’
The couch was quite comfortable that night.”
2. ‘Dang it, it died.’
“I was in my OB-GYN clinical rotation. Had a very nervous and borderline overly worried first time expecting mother that I was taking care of. She was in for a routine pregnancy visit. I was performing the fetal heart monitor check with the Doppler. Perfect heart sounds for a few seconds then the battery on the Doppler machine ran out. I mutter ‘Dang it, it died.’ The mother let out this shriek. ‘NO, NO, NO—the battery died.’ Needless to say, lots of time spent with me sitting there with the ultrasound showing her the beating heart and taking pictures.”
3. ‘He’s probably rubbing one out.’
“About 15 years ago I was having a family dinner with my girlfriend’s family—Nieces and nephews, grandparents, everybody. I had just gotten out of the Marines and hadn’t really fully integrated back in to society yet so I didn’t have a normal brain to mouth filter. Girlfriend’s Dad got up to use the restroom and didn’t come back for a while. Girlfriend’s mom started to kind of wonder out loud what was taking him so long. I popped out with ‘he’s probably rubbing one out.’ Took me a few seconds and a death stare from my girlfriend to figure out what I’d done. Awkward silence for the rest of the meal.”
4. ‘We have some rapeable employees here.’
“I’m reluctant to even post this because it was really stupid and embarrassing.
While I was in college I managed a movie theater. One day during the winter, a female employee came to the managers’ office after her shift and told us that someone had put a cinder block behind her rear tire and poured water on it so it froze to the asphalt preventing her from backing out of her spot. A couple managers chipped it away for her and had a serious talk about starting to walk employees out to their cars after work in the future. I was on the pro walk them out side. I was trying to make the case that we have quite a few very petite, trusting female employees who might be people a rapist might choose as a potential victim. However, I’m not known for thinking before I speak and instead of saying that I said, ‘we have some rapeable employees here.’ There was nothing but complete silence and stares from the other managers for about fifteen seconds until one of them said, ‘you should figure out a better way to word that.’ It was one of my more embarrassing situations.”
5. ‘Yeah, and then we can all see what I’m thankful for.’
“I had been dating a girl for about two years through the end of high school and the beginning of college. I was close with her family, and was going to spend Thanksgiving at her grandmother’s place with her relatives.
I was at her parents’ house, waiting to leave, and her little sister was putting up a big fuss about having to dress nice for Thanksgiving dinner. My girlfriend, of course, was not complaining about what she was required to wear, so the sister said to her dad ‘How come Melissa doesn’t have to wear this stupid dress??’ Her dad, trying to emphasize that Melissa’s attire had nothing to do with the little sister’s, told her ‘For all I care, Melissa can wear a bikini to dinner tonight.’
Dumb old me, I comment from the other room, ‘Yeah, and then we can all see what I’m thankful for.’ I’ll never forget the look on her dad’s face, the perfect combination of being amused at the joke but being totally appalled by it at the same time.”
6. ‘Aren’t men supposed to bring home the bacon?’
“My dad was unemployed for quite some time during the recession. One day, he was joking with my mom and said, ‘Aren’t women supposed to be cooking at this time?’ and I jumped in and said, ‘Aren’t men supposed to bring home the bacon?’
7. ‘Hey the cat looks like the monster that sits in Jabba the Hut’s lap.’
“Cat is sitting in girlfriend’s lap.
Me: ‘Hey the cat looks like the monster that sits in Jabba the Hut’s lap.’”
8. ‘I don’t want to be working at a gas station for the next 10 years.’
“My boss was mad because I could only work so many hours because of college. I told him college is important, I don’t want to be working at a gas station for the next 10 years.
My boss had been working at that same gas station for about 10 years.
To clear some things up. He was not mad. I did not realize to what I said until later that day. He is the GM and makes some decent money.
I enjoy my job but I imagine that is only because I work overnight by myself. There is nobody to tell me what to do and there are far less people.”
9. ‘Oh my god! They have a boy on their team!’
“When I was a kid, my sister was an avid soccer player. Being un-athletic myself, I was dragged to all of her games. At an indoor game (with walls that echo sound), a girl on the other team slide tackled a girl on my sister’s team. When she did, a wig fell off her head, revealing a completely bald noggin. I immediately blurted out, loudly enough for everyone—including the girl—to hear me, ‘Oh my god! They have a boy on their team!’
This was 20+ years ago and I still feel like a complete ass….
I assume she had cancer or alopecia or some other medical condition.”
10. ‘Keep rolling.’
“Telling a wheelchair bound lady to ‘Keep rolling’ after accepting her ticket to an exhibition.”
11. ‘OH FFS WON’T YOU JUST SHUT UP YOU NOISY CUNT!’
“I used to work for a small web agency in a tiny office. There was one loud account manager who just blathered on and said some outrageously stupid things (e.g., told a customer we couldn’t polish a turd, about work we’d done for them).
One day he’s droning on at volume 11 about some bullshit and it was echoing around the office whilst I was trying to work. I sent my friend a message on MSN saying ‘OH FFS WON’T YOU JUST SHUT UP YOU NOISY CUNT!’
Obviously I’d sent it to the wrong person.
He looked over at me and mouthed ‘What the fuck!?,’ I panicked and did the only thing I could think of and sent a smiley emoticon.”
12. ‘Better watch out for grandma, then!’
“I was around 7 or 8 years old and I was watching a crime TV show with my mum and the topic of necrophilia came up. So being a curious kid I asked what it was and she told me it was someone who had sex with dead people. Witty me then decided to say ‘Oh. Better watch out for grandma, then!’ (She had died a year before) Thinking I’d get a few laughs. She just looked at me with the angriest face and said ‘never say something like that again.’”
13. ‘It tastes like vomit.’
“When I was a kid I went over to my friend’s place and we had dinner. I remember that the food was some tasty pasta dish with a slightly sour component, something that I hadn’t really experienced in savory dishes before. So I was thinking really hard about where I had experienced a similar sourness with food in my mouth before and blurted out:
‘It tastes like vomit.’
To be honest I was too confused over why the mother replied that I should just not eat it if I didn’t like it to correct her. It was delicious after all.
I’M SORRY I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE YOU THINK I DID!”
14. ‘She stuttered over a word and I joked about it.’
“Liked a girl. She was cute. I’d seen her around in social situations a couple of times. She was actually talking to me. It was going well. She stuttered over a word and I joked about it. Turns out, she has a stammer and that really offended her. Felt horrible.”
15. ‘Meant to say beating a dead horse, said beating off a dead horse.’
“Meant to say beating a dead horse, said beating off a dead horse.
16. I called her my ex’s name in front of the group.
“I was at a concert with my girlfriend and bumped into a group of old friends I hadn’t seen in years. they all knew me when I was with my ex, who my current girlfriend was convinced I was still in love with.
when it came time to introduce her I said ‘I’d like you to meet _’ and called her my ex’s name in front of this group. Freudian slip/brain fart/too high? awkward silence for a long moment, then says ‘no, actually my name is __, and I’m his new ex-girlfriend as of now.’ I’ve never been forgiven for the faux pas and still can’t figure out why I said that.”
17. ‘Do you need help getting your legs off the bed?’
“I work at a hospital. I was helping an elderly man out of bed and a lot of the time where I work they need help getting their legs off the bed, due to weakness. so I’m about to get him up, and as he throws the covers off I say ‘do you need help getting your legs off the bed?’ at the same time I say it I realize he only has one leg. immediate embarrassment until he grabs his one leg and says ‘Sure, I’ll get this one and you get the other one.’”
18. ‘LEFT SIDE! STRONG SIDE!’
“I walked into the break room at work, and heard one middle-aged coworker talking to another. I wasn’t particularly listening, but I heard her say ‘left side.’ This activated a part of my brain devoted to remembering Remember the Titans, a movie I had seen most of once at least five years prior.
So, like any good person would, I half-to-three-quarters-shouted, ‘LEFT SIDE! STRONG SIDE!'”
The coworker looked at me for a full two seconds, then said to her companion, quieter now, ‘Yeah. He’s doing a little better, but that whole side is still paralyzed.’
Her husband had had a stroke. It turned out to have nothing to do with Remember the Titans.”
19. ‘I give ’em ten years.’
“When my mom was marrying my stepdad, during their vows, at the part about ’til death do you part’, I said, in an attempt to be funny, ‘I give ’em ten years.’ Their marriage lasted ten years. Still cringe about it to this day.”
20. ‘I wish I had neurological damage!’
“‘Your puppy is adorable!’
‘Thanks. He’s learning to be a service dog. He’ll be working with my son who has neurological damage.’
‘I wish I had neurological damage!’”
21. ‘Nuremberg? Oh, like the rally?’
“We had a German student staying with us at university, who was a massive petrol head: she loved Formula 1 and playing Colin McRae. One day I asked her where she was from.
‘Nuremberg,’ she replied. And, thinking about her love of motorsport, I decided to try and be knowledgeable.
‘Oh, like the rally?’
This did not go down well.
TL;DR: Thought the Nuremberg rally was a motor race.”
22. ‘I asked a girl in another class why she was walking around with her arm up her jumper.’
“Once as a kid I asked a girl in another class why she was walking around with her arm up her jumper. She just shrugged and walked away. Later found out it was because she only had one arm. Every so often as I’m lying in bed, the memory of asking her that pops into my head and I feel like suffocating myself with my own pillow.”
23. ‘Oh, is that your ugly Christmas sweater?’
“Last year, I think it was in November, my wife came home from shopping with a shirt. She put it on and I said ‘Oh, is that your ugly Christmas sweater?’
24. Someone said to me when I was younger that I’d grow up to be just like my mother. My instant response was ‘what, fat?’
“Someone said to me when I was younger that I’d grow up to be just like my mother. My instant response was ‘what, fat?’. My mother was there. Oops.
Ironically, I now am much fatter as well.”
25. ‘You’re really going to sing?’
“Grade 8, last day of class. Heavy-set teacher who hated my family but liked me.
Teach: No one is leaving until the fat lady sings.
me: You’re really going to sing?”
26. ‘Wadup Suzuki?’
“Went to a pub, had one drink too much, went outside to smoke a cigarette and saw this Asian looking guy. Alcohol got better of me and being friendly guy I am I decided to make a new friend and what’s the better way than making a joke?
I immediately felt like a biggest asshole in the world while the ‘should have not said that’ meme flashed before my eyes in a violent fashion. But then the Asian guy turns to me and says:
‘Have we met before?’
‘Well, I don’t think so…’
‘Then how do you know my last name?’
The guy was named Suzuki! You can imagine my relief! We smoked one more cigarette together, had a pleasant chat and went on our ways.
Even though I dodged the bullet on this one I still feel like shit for blarping out such a racist thing…”
27. ‘Don’t teach this one how to drive eh, loooooooooool.’
“Had a friend who taught two different girlfriends of his to drive. One crashed and got badly injured the other crashed and died.
Some years later, met him and his new girlfriend on a night out. He introduced me, I promptly told him ‘don’t teach this one how to drive eh, loooooooooool.’
The second I said it I regretted it. Felt like such a dick. Offered to take his best shot to the face for it. He declined. Still feel shitty for it.”
28. ‘Well, I’m glad you survived the camp!’
“Talking to a Jewish friend after he got home from working in a summer camp that he did not enjoy: ‘Well, I’m glad you survived the camp!’
Fortunately he found it funny.”
29. ‘Abort! Abort!’
“I arrived late to a baby shower for a new mother in my office. I thought it would be best to go immediately congratulate the mother and see the baby, so I could get it over with and then disappear into the back of the room. As I approached the mother and baby, the baby takes one look at me and begins to cry. With all eyes now on me, I nervously and jokingly exclaimed ‘Abort! Abort!’
In my mind I was joking about aborting the mission of seeing the baby. Others didn’t see it this way.
TL;DR: I publicly inferred a new mother should abort her baby at her baby shower.”
30. Asking how many months due she was when she was just fat.
“Asking how many months due she was when she was just fat.”
31. ‘So she wasn’t the only one getting nailed that night.’
“I’m hanging out with my friend’s friends in college and one of them is telling a story about how his sister lost her virginity in the 2000’s equivalent of Netflix and Chill to The Passion of the Christ.
I said the most obvious statement that was on everyone’s mind, ‘So she wasn’t the only one getting nailed that night’ and pause for the incoming and immense respect for my wit, timing, and speed.
It was the only time in my life when people just stopped and shook their heads like it really wasn’t ok, I contemplated walking out in shame :/”
32. ‘I bring diabetes.’
“I was 14, and I bought a backpack full of sweets to a party. I walked to the kids table, stood upon it and proclaimed loudly ‘I bring diabetes’ as I poured the sweets all over the table.
A kid there had diabetes.”
33. ‘I’ve got a hot dog right here.’
“We were at a friends and having hot dogs, and one of our friends (who is a girl) was like ‘I wish there were more hot dogs, but we’ve run out’ to which I replied ‘I’ve got a hot dog right here.’
I can feel the cringe and disappointment in myself typing this.”
34. ‘Don’t thank Jesus. Thank me. I ordered the damn thing.’
“I was working in a tuxedo shop and it was prom season so it was super super busy. A woman came in with her son and ordered a tux two weeks prior to the dance. They came in the day before to pick it up and something was messed up with it, don’t remember what. So I told her not to worry I’d reorder and just come back tomorrow. So she comes back the next day to get the reorder and he tries it on and it fits. She just goes ‘oh thank Jesus! It fits!’ And without thinking I say ‘don’t thank Jesus. Thank me. I ordered the damn thing.’ She just got quiet and didn’t say another word the entire time she was there. Whoops.”
35. ‘There are a lot of black things here.’
“White family, white community. Had two unrelated black friends over by coincidence. Was trying to find a power cord with my mom, and I asked what it looked like. She said black. I got frustrated because that was too generic, there were lots of black power cords in front of us. But it came out as an angry ‘There are a lot of black things here.’”
36. ‘Well, shouldn’t they stand against divorce just as much but I don’t see that happening.’
“Aunt: Christians need to stand up to gay people.
Me: Well, shouldn’t they stand against divorce just as much but I don’t see that happening.
Months later I remember she had gotten a divorce. Awkwaaard.”
37. I called him a weirdo.
“Although I was only like 3-4 years old at the time, I was at the grocery store with my mom and there was a WWII vet in a wheelchair, and he only had one leg. I walked up to him and asked him where his leg was and when he said he doesn’t have one I called him a weirdo. He wasn’t too happy but my mom apologized to him. I still look back on it and cringe every time.”
38. ‘Weenies and balls are a package deal, amirite?’
“My company is having a cook out and two ladies were discussing whether they should bring meatballs or cocktail weenies. So I suggest: ‘Why don’t you bring both—weenies and balls are a package deal, amirite??’ They both just stared.”
39. ‘Can I give you a hand?’
“I recently worked at a big home improvement store for my first retail job out of college. I was walking around and noticed a guy leaning on one of the shelves like he was reaching to grab something way in the back. I went over and asked ‘can I give you a hand?’ but when he turned to acknowledge me I saw he only had one arm. He took in stride and didn’t make me feel bad, but as soon as I saw it I felt so bad. He knew it was completely accidental and didn’t give me any shit for it, but of all the things I could have greeted with, I had to pick that one.”
40. ‘Well…Of course…When you get to our age…’
“Saying to a woman in a meeting, “Well…Of course…When you get to our age…”
She blinked and said, ‘How old are you?’
I replied, ‘Er…’ (realizing my potential mistake), ’48..?’
She sat, looking dejected, and muttered, ‘I’m 24…’
To be fair, she had a lined face and whilst I’m physically 48 years of age, I feel like I’m mid-twenties in my head.
I didn’t get the job.”