‘I Fell On The Carrot’ And 50 Other Hilarious True Stories Of Anal Accidents From The Emergency Room

Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz / lookcatalog.com
Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz / lookcatalog.com
Found on AskReddit.

1. Carrot

“Happened to my sister. A guy came in with a carrot stuck in his anus. Apparently he was changing his kitchen’s curtains, naked, and the carrot was standing perfectly straight up, so he fell from the ladder and the ‘incident’ happened. Perfectly believable.”


2. Fishing pole

“Nurse here: one time had a patient come in with insane intestinal trauma, had to have his colon stitched up. Said he was fishing and fell his rectum just happened to fall perfectly on a fishing pole. Must have been a wild night, to be ‘fishing’ naked.”


3. Chorizo sausage

“I work in the lab and the pathology department gets the foreign body items removed from a patient’s body after surgery. Recent one was a chorizo sausage. Glad I wasn’t there that day.”


4. Vibrator

“My late dad was a surgeon and, when he was a resident, had a middle-aged male patient come in complaining of pain in the rectum. They examined him and found a vibrator lodged fairly deep. When they asked him how it happened, he looked extremely surprised that it was there and then explained , ‘I was lying in bed and it was on and vibrating on the bed near me…and it sort of moved on its own…guess it found its way up my ass all by itself.’ Loved hearing emergency room stories from my dad and it sucks that he’s not around to tell them these days.”


5. Dinner candle

“I once saw a high-school-aged kid come in with a dinner candle stuck in his rectum. He reportedly was using it to reach an itch. Apparently the itch was in his spleen because that thing was deep. Mom told me the story, and how she had previously asked him to not itch himself with other things of hers. I didn’t ask for any more details. I honestly think she believed that he was just really itchy.”


6. Pear

“I’ve got an other foreign-object-lodged-in-rectum story, but with a twist.
• Man inserts pear into partner’s bum.
• Pear gets stuck.
• Both had been drinking wine.
• Man gets brilliant idea to extract pear with corkscrew.
• Man nicks inside partner’s rectum with corkscrew.
• Partner requires emergency surgery to extract pear and backed up blood and repair tear indirectly caused by pear.”


7. Twelve-inch hand-carved wooden dildo

“70-year-old man, 12-inch hand-carved wooden dildo, doesn’t know how it got there…you know the rest of the story…”


8. Ten-inch cucumber

“The 10″-long cucumber the male patient had placed in his rectum, which was distending his abdomen on the other side. Patient said nothing until CT showed the mass.”


9. Barbie doll

“Patient very hesitant with what was actually up, so went for X-ray. Unmistakable shape of a Barbie doll up his arse. So, emergency surgery, and it’s removed. He comes to, and sees his wife at his beside. He panics, and when she goes to the ladies, asks the nurses not to tell her what’s happened. She comes back in, and one of the nurses brings back the (shit smeared) Barbie doll, in a small, plastic bag. Wife glares at him. ’I fell on it.’”


10. Hamster in a condom

“My best friend’s mother is a nurse.…One night, as a joke, he decides to show her ‘one man; one jar.’ (Hilarious thing to watch with your mom, right?) Anyway, this woman deadpans the entire video, and follows it up with: ‘Oh. Is that it? Ok.’ Dumbfounded, we ask what she could have seen that could possibly be grosser than that. (Right?) She proceeds to tell us, in detail, about a man who stuffed a hamster into a condom, then shoved the rat-bag up his ass. The hamster then, out of suffocation, chewed through the condom, clawed its way deep into the rectum, where it drowned in a mixture of blood and shit after shredding his colon in a frenzy. (Like some fuckered South Park joke). She was part of the team that had to retrieve it. His mom always seemed like the demure housewife, but daaaamn. That lady has seen some shit.”


11. A full-size basketball

“Sister’s friend is a nurse and told the story of a man who came into ED clutching his abdomen and complaining of severe abdominal pain. He was acting suspicious and kept changing his story, symptoms, site of the pain etc. Sister’s friend and a few other nurses suspected something wasn’t right and after maybe an hour or so, he confessed the true cause of his pain.

He had inserted a deflated full-size basketball (note—a VERY cheap one) into his ass and pumped it up. Amazingly he somehow managed to pump the ball up to the point where it popped inside his asshole. The popping is what had caused his pain, but the kicker was this: He hadn’t come to the ED to treat the pain. The basketball was still inside his ass and after the pop a combination of pain, presumably swelling, and it still being semi-inflated had meant he was unable to retrieve it himself.”


12. Paintbrush handle

“My uncle is a retired surgeon. One day an elderly man gets to the ER with the handle of a paintbrush up his butt. We’re talking decades ago, in a countryside hospital, sticking things in your butt was a big taboo, go figure in an old man’s mind. So, word spreads among the staff, and doctors and nurses enter the poor man’s room, pretending to do preliminary checks and ask him why he is there for. By chance, he also had a scratch on his wrist, and that was his answer to everyone: ‘I have this scratch here, I wanted to have it checked…’”


13. Vibrator—still vibrating

“I used to work in radiology, and we had this X-ray intern that was one of the most soft-spoken, sweetest people you’d ever meet, which makes this story even better. She was working the ER room and we got a patient with a Reason For Exam of ‘lower abdominal pain.’ When meeting the patient, she asked the normal ‘What brings you in today?’ question. He (the patient) grabbed her hand and placed it on his lower abdomen, then asked if she could still feel it vibrating. X-rays confirmed, sure enough he had lost his vibrator straight up his ass. His wife was there, too, and she said this wasn’t the first time, either, and apparently every time they do it, they drive an hour out of town, because he’s a radiologist and didn’t want any of his partners seeing his X-rays.”


14. Fifteen-inch vibrating dildo

“My friend was a paramedic and told this story often…the punch line is that the patient complained of stomach pain and demanded to be taken to surgery. The cause of the stomach pain: A 15-inch vibrating dildo that had been so far dislodged up the patient’s rectum that the dildo had curved and formed the shape of a question mark. The X-ray made it look like he was a real life Riddler victim.”


15. Glass Coke bottle

“A 70 y/o male ‘fell’ onto the glass Coke bottle up his rectum. Made for a cool X-ray, possible new ad campaign?”


16. Jar of minced garlic

“I once had the following convo with a nurse friend:
Her: How was your week?
Me: Eh, it sucked. Yours?
Her: I had stick my hand up an old man’s ass to remove a jar of minced garlic.
Me: On second thought, my week was actually pretty decent.”


17. Cheez Whiz jar

“Mom works in an office and I sometimes fill in for a transcriptionist. They do extractions in the clinic, and the doctors make it a habit to show us what they’ve pulled out of people’s asses. One that was particularly mesmerizing was a Cheez Whiz jar with three ping pong balls in it. The guy said he had gotten carried away. No further explanation needed…I guess?”


18. Massive green vegetable squash

“My sister spent several years as an A&E nurse before moving into cardiology. Her best story is the guy who claimed to have been nude gardening. He said he’d slipped, fell, and ‘landed’ on a marrow. Impaling himself via the rectum. This wasn’t a small cucumber or courgette but a bloody massive green marrow [vegetable squash]. After removal, and behind the scenes, one of the doctors chased her and another junior nurse around with it for giggles. She still cries with laughter when telling the story—especially as it had a Tesco price label still stuck on. (That’s a supermarket for non-UK readers).”


19. Eight-inch rubber dildo

“I’m not a doctor but I had buddy who texted me at 6am saying he was constipated and it was hurting him trying to go. Traffic was backed up on the highway so I took the back roads there, but they were poorly maintained and bumpy and after 15 minutes he asked me to get back on the highway because the bumps were causing some discomfort.

We get to the ED and he has a very hushed conversation with the nurse. As soon as he sits down in a chair in the waiting room, two nurses come out to help him into an exam room. I go over and ask the intake nurse if he’s going to be long and she says, ‘Oh yes, he’s going to be admitted’ with a funny smirk on her face.

The next morning I wake up again at 6am to angry pounding on my door. I open it to find my buddy’s older sister, who had never been to my house before and the only wait she could’ve found it was driving around my neighborhood looking for my car and pounding on doors but there was at least 4 other identical cars to mine in my neighborhood…but I digress. She was looking for her brother because he never came home the night before and I was the last person he was seen with. So I tell her I took him to the hospital the morning before and he was being admitted. So we all caravan down to the hospital (we all being his brother and three sisters, dad, and I) to find out what’s going on with him and why he hasn’t told anyone where he was. We get to his room just after his doctor gave him his post-op consultation.

Turns out he had an 8″ rubber dildo lodged in his ass and my taking him on the bumpy road caused it to go even farther up so they had to make an incision in his belly and manually massage it from his colon back out.

TL;DR – Buddy lied about being constipated and asked for a ride to the hospital, didn’t tell any one else so crazy and angry family thought I sold him into prostitution. In the end he was just loving himself too vigorously and got a marital aid stuck in his pooper.”


20. Giant dildo

“Had a guy come walking in to triage in the ER late one night. He was hunched over, not walking correctly. To give a better visual, he was walking like his stomach hurt and maybe was going to throw up. Very slow, very calculated movements as to not disturb the juices. He is slight, average height, very skinny. I’m at the triage desk, and I ask him his chief complaint. Says he is constipated. I probe further, verbally of course. After about two minutes I just come out and say it…’What is really going on?” His response, which I put as his chief complaint, ‘I have a giant dildo stuck up my ass!’

I lost the photo of the X-ray, but it was magical, huge dildo, we got it out with forceps, saved him a trip to the OR, but we kept the ‘night stick’ and proceeded to hit each other with it for the rest of the night. It was in a hazard waste bag X 3 for sanitary reasons.”


21. Costco-sized shampoo bottle

“In college I shadowed our local EMTs for a paper for public health. Guy calls in, bleeding significantly from his rectum. We get there to see a Costco-sized shampoo bottle inserted into his rectum, pump side out. He slipped and fell while in the shower and landed rectum first on the shampoo. And apparently it happened again after I was done shadowing the EMTs. Just get a goddamn dildo.”


22. Frying pan

“Husband of a doctor here: My wife removed lot of stuff from patients’ rectums and many of them have very funny explanation like ‘I was naked after my shower and then I sat on a chair and didn’t notice that this frying pan was on it.’”


23. Potato

“My mum is an A&E nurse, and apparently a priest came in with a potato stuck up his arse. His explanation was something like whilst he was peeling potatoes (naked of course), one fell on the floor. Then he had to urgently climb a ladder to ‘fix the lightbulb.’ In a physics-defying act he fell off the ladder and landed perfectly (arsehole first) on the potato. Nurses were like uhuh. Yup.”


24. Toothbrush

“I had a patient (a clown, no joke) let’s call him ‘JoJo’ who said he was brushing his teeth naked a few weeks before and passed out while standing up for no particular reason. He said he woke up on the floor and felt something strange around his rectum but it disappeared quickly into the rectum and he forgot about it. He had some blood-tinged stools for a few weeks, and was very surprised to find that X-rays had found a toothbrush in his rectum. Apparently while passing out and falling the toothbrush improbably got shoved into the rectum as he hit the ground…ahem…and he tried to recruit me to be a clown….”


25. A huge glass vase

“Had a guy complaining his stomach hurt. The wife was so kind and supportive but in a weird euphoric kind of way. X-ray showed a huge glass vase jammed up his rectum and above. Wife says he accidentally sat on it and she ‘shouldn’t leave those things laying around the house so carelessly stupid me stupid stupid’…so emergency surgery before the glass breaks. I don’t think anyone can sit down and have that happen. Never found out the real story, X-ray was an impressive sight.”


26. Light bulb

“Not a doctor but an ED tech. Patient who has a history of sticking things up his butt came in for successfully putting a light bulb, in its entirety, up past his bumhole. Of course it broke prompting his visit to the ED. He was sent to the OR.”


27. Drinking glass

“A 12 y/o kid was admitted for ‘sitting on a glass’ and it was stuck inside, the parents were convinced with their son’s story. The poor kid was moved to hematology department to hide him from media and nosy residents.”


28. Live garden slugs

“A friend of mine is a surgeon who works in proctology in an hospital in Switzerland and this story is pretty unusual. Patient is a very athletic guy, in his late 30’s, solar-bench tanned, very well groomed and all and he looks very anxious. He complains about intense itching sensation in his anus/rectum area, GP couldn’t find the cause.

My friend first had a conversation with him asking about any recent unusual activity in that area but he denied and said 20 times that he’s not gay. My friend insisted, saying that he’s not there to judge and that it has nothing to do with being gay but the patient confirmed his first answer.

After deep check up with appropriate tools, my friends found very intense abnormal fucked up irritation which could only have been caused by an external product. But he couldn’t guess which product at that stage and needed to find out to be able to cure it ASAP.

So he asked again and the patient denied again ‘I told you already, I’m not gay!!!’ so my friend tried to scare him and went like ‘Sir, considering that you’re 100% sure that any kind of substance, product or object have recently been inserted in your rectum, what I found there is really not normal at all and looks like a severe mutation of some kind, we might need to cut it off to stop the progression which would imply an artificial anus.’

That scared him his pants off and he started talking. ‘OK I’ll tell you, but you have to promise me that you’ll never mention my name when you’ll laugh about my fucked up story with your colleagues.’ … ‘Sir, I’m not here to judge or laugh, I’m here to cure.’ … ‘OK, so, heuheue, I’m very not gay you know, but heuheueu …, you know, sometime, when the excitement arises…shit can happen.’

So here is the story: He was having a 4some in his garden with his wife and an other couple. They swapped wives, it was fun and all and then ‘when the excitement arose’ the women went together and the men ended up together as well. So that guy was in the passive position obviously and his partner of the moment was missing lubricant. And they were in the garden, and there was no lubricant, and that was annoying, and there were a few slugs in the flowerbeds, and there was no lubricant, and they were very excited, and … ‘fuck it! Why the fuck not?!’ and they tried using the slugs as lubricant, which obviously didn’t work out at all but it was already too late… So the slugs were stuck in there for a too long and, you guessed it, they emit an irritating substance as a self-defense mechanism. Of course, the guy was so embarrassed that he did not go to his doctor immediately…my friend never heard what happened to the penis of the active sex partner…”


29. Can of shaving cream

“ER nurse checking in. Middle-aged man that refused to acknowledge the can of shaving cream in his butt. The full-sized Barbisol can of shaving cream, cap off, nozzle up nestled in his colon. Guy went to surgery.”


30. Nu-Grape pop bottle

“Retired ER nurse here. Patient presented with complaints of abdominal pain. X-ray showed Nu-Grape pop bottle in the transverse colon.”


31. Pink vibrator

“Surgery resident here. Guy came in with a pink vibrator stuck in his rectum. Had to go to surgery to get it out. He wouldn’t let us tell his wife, so she didn’t know why we were taking him to surgery. We got it out through his anus (as opposed to having to open up his abdomen). We told his wife she should discuss with her husband about what’s going on. I don’t know if he ever told her, we discharged him immediately after the procedure. Very awkward situation. Don’t put stuff up your butt that you don’t have a good grip on or a string attached to; it can get sucked up. If it sits too long inside you, it can erode through the wall and spill stool inside your abdomen (surgical emergency).”


32. Spoon

“Patient came in from jail with intense abdominal pain as well as hematemesis (puking blood). He said someone threatened to kill him with a razor blade and this must be what is happening. So we did a gastroscopy and found a fucking spoon stuck in his pylorus with the long end having punctured his duodenum. Later we found out the whole razor blade story was fake and he was just looking for a breath of fresh air. You’d be surprised how often this happens, i have a whole album on my phone of weird stuff we pulled out of people’s gastrointestinal tract.”


33. Apple

“There was a man that had come into the ER complaining of severe abdominal pain. He was admitted, and while he was chatting with the doc, the man was visibly uncomfortable. So the doc ordered an X-ray to be done. Once the results were out, the doctor was standing at the X-ray machine, just staring at it, until my friend walked by. ‘Sarah,’ the doctor said, beckoning her forward, ‘come here.’ My friend was confused but complied with his request. However, once she saw the X-ray, she understood completely. ‘Doesn’t that look like an apple to you?’ asked the doctor, and my friend nodded while holding back her laughter, and said, ‘Yup, certainly does.’

The doctor asked the man if he had anything to tell him. The man stuttered, and it took a while to drag the info out of him. But anyway, at the end of this story, the man had to get surgery to remove the apple from his rectum. Though, when a person has an object removed from their body, a complete breakdown of the item has to be done. So, my friend got to look at this ridiculously long report of that the damn apple was made out of…and at the end, it said, ‘looks like a golden delicious.’”


34. Another apple

“Patient presented with an apple stuck in his rectum. His story was that he got up in the middle of the night to make a smoothie, and he happened to be in the nude. He said his dog jumped up on the counter and knocked the blender down and it somehow shot the apple up into his bum.”


35. Tungsten light bulb

“Surgeon here. During my early residency days, once in ER, there was a male patient with severe rectal pain. On X-ray there comes up a tungsten light bulb right up in his arse stuck in rectum. We had no idea how someone could put it up there and the patient denied knowing anything about it. Required over five hours on OT table to remove it in a single piece.”


36. Vacuum cleaner attachment

“A patient came to A&E when my father was on shift complaining of having fallen over whilst doing housework. They had the vacuum cleaner attachment used for cleaning along cracks inserted pretty far up their rectum; most likely it had detached when trying to pull it out.”


37. Pestle

“Not a doctor but a medical student. We once had a patient with a pestle in his rectum. He said the mortar and pestle were in the bathroom while he was showering and he slipped and it went up there … of course there is no way that happened but whatever.”


38. Chisel

“Saw a consult in the ED for abdominal pain. Patient initially chalked it up to bad Chinese food. I went through the usual list of questions about belly pain until, given the benefit of having seen his abdominal X-ray, I started probing about activities that may involve foreign bodies….He adamantly denied having inserted any objects in his anus until I showed him the X-ray that revealed a chisel in his rectum. He shrugged it off and said it had been in there for four days. Apparently went on a bender and felt the need to get intimate with his hardware tools. He wasn’t able to get it back out when he sobered up. Didn’t want it removed as he felt there was no way this was contributing to his symptoms of lower abdominal pain and bloody discharge…”


39. Jar of Pond’s Cold Cream

“A prisoner is escorted into the ER by guards and complains that he has not had a bowel movement in a week. After a few X-rays we notice something in the guy’s colon. He gets transported to the OR for a colonoscopy. The scope was connect to a television. As the scope is winding its way into the colon a jar of POND’S COLD CREAM is revealed. He finally admitted that another inmate forced it into his rectum. Those inmates have such a sense of humor. (O:”


40. Aerosol can

“Completely normal male patient in his 50s shows up with his wife with lower back and sacral pain. As a chiropractor, I see this every day, but something seemed off about this case. AFTER A RADIOGRAPHIC STUDY REVEALED AN AEROSOL CAN UP HIS RECTUM…he explained he accidentally sat on it and it had nothing to do with his sacral pain.”


41. Rolled-up newspaper

“Not a doctor, but my mother told me a story about a guy who kept coming into their hospital with things shoved up his ass. After a while, it was getting annoying for the medical staff to see him on a monthly basis with some new foreign object in his ass, and he became aware of their lack of enthusiasm toward his arrivals. So he came to the hospital one last time with a rolled-up newspaper stuck in his ass, and told the doctor, ‘lemme ‘splain myself doc!’ Eventually moving on to say that he was bending down to pick up the paper in his bathrobe on his porch and that the paperboy threw an additional newspaper so hard and so on point, it ended up in his ass. The doctor told him of he came back with something else in his ass, he would have to keep it there. Lol.”

Senor Kinderplatz

42. Light bulbs…plural

“Mum’s a nurse. they had a guy who used to stuff light bulbs up his arse. not ‘once stuffed’; ‘used to.’ They would obviously break in there.”


43. Toilet brush

“I didn’t witness this myself but I heard this story of a guy with multiple ER episodes of bowel discomfort + constipation/diarrhea. Eventually he did a colonoscopy which found a perfume bottle in his rectum. When confronted with this finding he said he had no idea how it got there. I also had a classmate in med school which was lucky enough to have a case of a toilet brush inserted in a guy’s anus for his surgery final exam.”


44. Barbie doll with two little feet hanging out

“I’ve had numerous patients come in with foreign bodies in their anus. Most notable was a Barbie doll. He had two little feet hanging out of his rectum. Of course he fell…”


45. Ten-inch dildo

“Abdominal pain. We couldn’t figure it out through interrogatory or any of the imaging exams we did. It gets worse so we go to the OR, he has a perforated sigmoid (lower part of the colon). Afterwards he confesses he kind of shoved a 25cm dildo upwards, had immense pain, removed it, and then just said he didn’t know what caused the pain.”


46. Cucumber

“Not a doctor, but my friend is and he said this one time a guy came in with a cucumber stuck in his butt and when asked how it got there he said ‘Uh, I fell on it.’”


47. Shampoo bottle

“Not a doctor but I was an EMT for about 3 years. I remember getting called out to get a guy who said he ‘slipped’ and ‘fell’ in the shower…at apparently the perfect angle enough to land on one of those small hotel shampoo bottles (at his house), with enough force to enter his ass and he could not get it out. Of course out of concern for his safety he calls 911.”


48. Two shampoo bottles taped together

“I’m an emergency room doctor. As a med student in Philly I had a patient who complained of vague, unspecified abdominal pain. After getting nowhere in my history taking the attending let me get an X-ray. He had a shampoo bottle taped end-on-end to another shampoo bottle shoved up his ass. When confronted, he blamed his wife.”


49. Tabasco bottle, gerbil, various vegetables, pepper shaker…

“The number of things people put in their rectum never ceases to amaze me. I have seen a Tabasco bottle, gerbil, various vegetables, a pepper shaker, and others I’m sure I am forgetting. I think the best one was a Male pt 65yr old diabetic, blind, with a slew of other medical problems came in to the ED Chief complaint of ‘personal problem.’ From the bat you know this is going to be interesting. The pt refused to take a seat, finally told me him and his partner had been fooling around and they got the toy up his rectum but were unable to retrieve it. Got and abdominal X-ray and turns out the 9″ dildo and the 5″ of (handle) flange had made into and beyond the furthest reaches of his large intestine (sigmoid). He asked if I could get it out…he went to the OR, where they removed it.”


50. Burned hamster

“My mum told me this years ago after working in A&E. A man had come in with 3rd-degree burns to his anus and surrounding area. After an hour or so they managed to get out of his partner exactly what happened… They had decided to try felching. The hamster had ‘gotten lost,’ so he’d gone to look for the rodent using a lighter. The methane had caught fire, set alight the hamster, and burned all of his partner’s insides. They had to extract the now-dead hamster from the guy and treat him for burns. I bet they never tried that again!”


51. Wire hanger

“My best story was from an ER. Guy comes in with a wire hanger up his ass…won’t say why or how it got there. Girlfriend comes to visit and it all comes out. He’s older, she’s much much younger. He wanted to please her by standing at attention properly. Inserted hanger SHARP EDGES FIRST and then it got stuck…so he rode his bike to the ER. After removal and a quick visit from the camera man he went home with antibiotics and some Viagra….He came back about six months later, same dilemma.”

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