1. Texting me to tell me about it
“Texting me to tell me about it. Thanks, wife.”
2. Infrequent outbursts of unexplained laughter
“Laughing…Not the something is funny and we can both see the humor in it. Like infrequent outbursts of unexplained laughter. Makes a guy pretty self-conscious.”
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3. Taking an obvious dump
“Taking an obvious dump right before, in the next room. Not a huge turn-on.”
Quote by Heidi Priebe, from This Is Me Letting You Go.
4. Calling out the wrong name
“I remember the time my girlfriend passionately called me ‘Ronnie’ during sex. My name is Phil. Ronnie is her brother.”
5. Saying porn actress stuff
“Please never say porn actress stuff like ‘Yeah! Fuck that pussy! You like fucking that pussy?’”
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6. Fake moaning
“Fake porn moans, stop that, make your real sounds. Real sounds are beautiful and erotic.”
7. Discussing groceries
“Starting a non-sexy conversation while we are doing it. Is this really the time to comment that we need milk?”
8. Planning the weekend
“Talking. I don’t want to have a conversation with you about anything until later. Why is this the time to discuss weekend plans?”
9. Misrepresenting abilities
“Claiming to be a squirter but just peeing instead.”
10. Unexpected intimate acts
“I shortly dated a woman that was into pretty much anything. She tried to lick my butt hole. I’m surprised my clench didn’t permanently injure her tongue. Worst part, she pressed the issue. There isn’t water cold enough to let the wind out of the sails as fast as that did. You tell me you aren’t into something, that’s the end of that unless a discussion comes up later/another time. And, it wouldn’t be mid attempt. I just expect the same.”
11. Generic dirty talk
“Overusing/generic dirty talk. Sure a few sexy phrases here and there are great but when it becomes boring and repetitive or simply obscure it gets hard to focus on the fun.”
12. Demanding dirty talk
“‘Talk dirty to me.’ Oh, okay, I was just doing a physical activity with my blood all focused in my non-thinking head, but sure, let’s have me start thinking of things to say. How about you give me some math problems while you’re at it?”
13. Too many instructions
“Calling too many audibles. A little bit of guidance can be helpful, but if you want total control of the experience…you should stick with your Battery Operated Boyfriend.”
14. Saying ‘no’ incorrectly
“Saying ‘no no no’ over and over again—not as in ‘stop,’ but instead of saying ‘oh god’ or ‘yes yes yes’ or ‘don’t stop, don’t stop.’ For whatever reason, some women’s ‘sex sound’ is to say ‘no.’ I get that it’s likely not something she can control, but it was a total turnoff.”
15. Rough handling
“Getting too damned rough with the balls. Those things are sensitive ladies, and are easily hurt. My fiancee and I have been together for 5 years, and I still have to remind her about it. You want to treat them like eggs, not tennis balls.”
16. Dangerous angles
“Riding on top, the girl leans all the way back. Sure great experience for you but it doesn’t bend too well.”
17. Self-consciousness about anatomy
“Being embarrassed about the appearance of their vaginas. I have been with a few women who wouldn’t want me going down on them because they feel like their lips are too big or something is not exactly pink or some other small insignificant thing I wouldn’t notice while I was down there and it just killed the mood a bit. Ladies, unless your vagina is like the desert sarlacc with teeth and tentacles its fine and it really doesn’t matter what it looks like.”
18. Poor positioning
“Sucking dick, but not loving it. No matter your gender or orientation, if you’re going to give oral you have got to be into giving it. Don’t ever prop your head up while sucking dick.”
19. Ticklish reactions
“I’m insanely ticklish and during reverse cowgirl, she’d grab my balls and I’d ignite with the giggles. I like being sensual with my partner but damn, the dad jokes come out after that and she hates them. TLDR – grab my balls and I tell dad jokes.”
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20. Amateur handjobs
“Handjobs, listen honey, you could practice from now till Armageddon and you’d not have as much experience as me at jacking my junk.”
21. Uncomfortable movements
“Instead of moving up and down, causing an ‘in and out’ motion, trying to wiggle forward and backward, which just bends my dick, and applies unpleasant pressure with a shearing action on the base. I get it, it stimulates the clitoris maybe, if it’s being rubbed against my body, but if you want that, just tell me, and I can use my hand, or bring out a toy or something…”
22. Being impatient
“Being impatient when giving head or handjobs, for fuck’s sake if you’re not enjoying it you could at least pretend. I’ll come when I’m god damn ready, and you rushing me isn’t going to get it done any faster.”
23. Too much focus
“When they focus on the tip too much during a BJ. That’s the most sensitive part.”
24. Aggressive kissing
“I have recently discovered that getting the bottom of my lip bitten in some ‘rough’ kissing can actually hurt like a SOB! Needless to say, it can be a pretty unpleasant experience, especially when in the midst of an otherwise sensual kiss.”
25. Ear biting
“I’m really against getting my ear bitten or anything close to that.”
26. Complete darkness
“Insisting that it must be pitch-black in the room. I call it ‘Stevie Wonder Porn.’”
27. Nipple play
“For fuck’s sake, leave my nipples alone.”
28. Unwanted oral attention
“Sucking on my balls. It doesn’t hurt, but I can’t say it feels good, either. Almost twitch slapped her on the forehead.”
29. Ear invasion
“Stick their tongue in your ear hole. Just gives me flashbacks to Chekov’s mind-control slug in Wrath of Khan.”
30. Aggressive handling
“Getting a furious handy while you have whiskey dick really just feels like getting punched in the balls hundreds of times.”
31. Nipple stimulation
“Biting/sucking nipples. Don’t think it gives the same sensation a girl may get. Just feels fucking weird.”
32. Teeth involvement
“They don’t try to, but my dick is moderately big and their teeth always scrape across my dick. Another thing they do, which isn’t great, but also not really intentional is jack my dick in an uncomfortable way. It’s like they pull and pull and don’t realize you have to push the skin back too.”
33. More teeth problems
“Using your teeth while you give a blowjob. God damn I still can’t forget this one chick giving literally most painful worst blowjob I ever had.”
34. Speed issues
“Jerking me like she’s secretly The Flash.”
35. Awkward situations
“My first handjob from a girl she thought just grinding the tip with her thumb was how it was done and I couldn’t say anything because her parents were in the front seat of the car.”
36. Leave them alone
“Probably just me, but do NOT touch my balls. I don’t like it. Not even a bit. Leave them fellas alone.”
37. Unwanted exploration
“Lick my asshole. Just not comfortable no matter how clean I feel.”
38. More unwanted exploration
“Sticking a finger in my bum.”
39. Consent is key
“Only if I ask for it, and at no other time, may you even approach my asshole. Preparation and diet are HIGHLY required before you mess with my poop chute.”
40. Lack of variety
“The same thing over and over. My ex was a missionary only type of person. We tried doggy once and didn’t like it, never tried anything again. Just missionary all the time. It got so boring that I actually had more fun just watching porn and jerking off. It was a really really bad relationship.”
41. Drunken persistence
“Getting way too drunk to have sex, and then getting pushy, cranky, and sloppy.”
42. Spitting
“Call me crazy but I don’t like spitting, it kinda grosses me out when she hocks a loogie on my dick for no reason, since she’s putting it in her mouth immediately after anyway. And don’t say it’s acceptable to use spit rather than lube when it’s going in the butt; I know porn stars say it’s better but in all fairness they must have gaping, cavernous assholes because if you’ve ever tried that with a girl with an average butthole you’ll realize saliva only acts as a decent lube for the first 10 seconds, after that say hello to rug-burn dick.”
43. False compliments
“When they tell me how big my dick is. I appreciate what you’re trying to do but come on we both know average at best.”
44. Awkward winking
“I had one chick I banged for years that was never my gf. She was crazy in bed and would literally do anything, and she was great at being on top and giving blowjobs. But every once in a while she would ‘wink’ at me when she was on her back, or with my dick in her mouth, or when we were doing it doggy style and facing a mirror. And it just looked so stupid in such erotic moments that it drove me absolutely bonkers because it was not only kind of creepy but took her from looking like a hot slut to a goofball with an eye twitch. So distracting and such a turn off. I never told her because I didn’t want to stop banging her.”
45. Unexpected sneezing
“Sneezing. I know it’s natural and happens but having you sneeze on my face whilst riding me, isn’t fun. At least aim away ladies.”
46. Aggressive scratching
“The nails in the back and neck. Like its kinky a little bit but most women act like they’re hanging off a fucking cliff, I don’t want to bleed every time.”
47. Poor timing for complaints
“Complaining about her husband.”
48. Inappropriate impressions
“Bruce Forsyth impressions while riding me. I think that might just be isolated to my girlfriend, though.”
49. Complete passivity
“Doing literally nothing.”
50. Family interruptions
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“Am a virgin but it was a huge turnoff when I’m about to cum and my grandma brings in my folded laundry….Jesus Christ, grandma, knock for once.”
