1. “Did you just sneeze into my pussy?”
This was followed by a very quiet ‘yes’ from me.”
2. “You’re 18, right?”
I fucked a older MILF from Tinder, about 4 minutes into going down on her as my dick’s out she makes me show her my ID from my wallet. Out of nowhere she goes, “You’re 18, right?” I say yes I am 22. She says let me see your ID I then get it and show her while I am on my knees thinking what in the fuck is going on.
3. “I wish you were a girl right now.”
Which was weird because she was in top of me and we were having a good time and she just said it out of nowhere. I just tried to ignore it because I didn’t know how to respond.”
4. “I wish you had a cock.”
I once had a guy say, “I wish you had a cock.”
Yeah, weird, what the hell do you say?
5. “Do it like we’re making babies!”
I immediately stopped.
6. “You’re doing a good job!”
In a very surprised tone.
7. “Holy shit, there’s a potato on the floor over there.”
To be fair, there was indeed a potato on the floor.
8. “How are you not more flexible?”
9. “Get off of me.”
I mean, who says that, right?
10. “We should film this. My ex said he misses me.”
11. “Honey, we need to clean the ceiling fan when we’re done.”
12. “Are you a Zionist?”
Elizabeth, if you’re reading this, that was a fucking weird question to ask whilst holding my wiener.
13. “Now you’re the Jews, and I’m Hitler.”
My ex was going to ride me, and climbed on top. Then she said, “Now you’re the Jews, and I’m Hitler.” I laughed for 15 minutes straight, and couldn’t do a thing. She was weird…
14. “If I wasn’t fucking you right now, I’d probably be fucking your brother.”
15. “I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”
About 3/4 of the way to climax she stops and says, “I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich,” then gets up and makes a sandwich, eats it, and comes back to bed and starts humping like nothing happened.
16. “You look like a sexy Easter egg.”
Last time I get a fade that short ever again.
17. “I believe everyone deserves the right to universal healthcare because I care about people.”
The girl I was dating at the time just all of a sudden stopped riding me and said, “I believe everyone deserves the right to universal healthcare because I care about people.” I rolled my eyes pretty hard. The relationship went to shit pretty soon after that. What was so weird about it was that we had never talked about the subject before, nor had we discussed anything political that week. It came out of nowhere.
18. “You know what? Fuck you. I’m not doing this.”
19. “Do you pluck your eyebrows?”
I’m a dude and no, I do not.
I wasn’t his mum. We never spoke of it again.
21. “Did we tip the waiter at the restaurant earlier?”
—said mid-stroke. Oddly, I was thinking exactly the same thing. Which is weird because normally all I can think about during sex is the sex.
22. “Oh, James.”
A long time ago myself and the Mrs. had a night when we watched a load of 70s James Bond films back-to-back. In most of these, the female Bond seduces at the end utters, ‘Oh James’ in pleasure, and I playfully asked why she didn’t do this exact same thing with me, and brought it up each film that night. Then I completely forgot about it.
About 3 years later she reminded me by doing it (yup, saying James and everything) right in the middle of the horizontal shuffle. I got what she meant after about 5 seconds and saw the funny side, but those 5 seconds were very, very uncomfortable indeed.
23. “Where can I put my water?”
I realized after he asked it the second time that he meant cum and had to contain my laughter.
24. “Ahh, babe, there’s shit in your ass cheeks.”
25. She called me her son’s name.
I use to date MILFs in my twenties. This one was really kinky and asked if it was okay to call me a certain name. I didn’t mind, I was getting laid. I later found out that was the name of her son.
We were trying to expand beyond just sex, and did some mutual masturbation/fondling while watching porn together. Just as he starts to cum, he yells, ‘Surprise!’ and tries to aim it at me but misjudged the intensity of his load. Because I was half laying on him, it ended up shooting straight up and landing all over his face and chest. So instead of giving me a ‘Surprise’ facial, he gave himself one. It was hilarious.
27. “Can I put my finger in your butt?”
She could. And she was very good at it, don’t kick something until you tried it!
28. “I can’t do this.”
He meant doing it on the couch, but for a second, I was really confused.
29. “Fuck me like BP fucked the Gulf.”
30. “OK, suck it like a lumberjack.”
From my now-husband:
“Fuck me like BP fucked the Gulf.”
Suck it like a blonde. Oh, yeah. Now, suck it like a redhead. Suck it like a librarian. OK, suck it like a lumberjack.”
Never did finish that blowjob over laughing so hard.
31. “Hang on, my sister’s calling me.”
His phone was going off. He was expecting an important call from her, so it was fine. But it killed the mood.
32. “Why do you make me cum so much—I just want pizza.”
Till this day I have no idea, but fuck it we had pizza afterwards.
33. “Wait! I have an STD.”
Both in our underwear making out and I had just reach down to put it in. I stopped and was on the verge of panicking but didn’t want to make this girl feel ashamed or alienated, I did after all have strong feelings for this girl. So I calmly told her it was OK, assured her I still cared for her, and asked her to explain it to me.
She told me she tested positive for HPV about a year and a half ago. We didn’t have sex that night. I instead did my own research on it and I already knew I was vaccinated against it. I decided it was worth it and we went about having a perfectly normal sexually active relationship.
Neither I nor any of my future sexual partners have ever tested positive.
34. She asked me to shoot her.
A girl found my pistol under my second pillow while we were doing it doggy style and asked if she could shoot me because she’d always wanted to try shooting somebody. “Like just in the leg or something.
35. “When are you gonna let me start putting things inside of you?”
Uhhh…things besides your dick that is currently inside of me? It wasn’t like I had ever said no to sex toys or anything, we just never talked about it. Very strange comment and timing.
36. “I want chocolate milk while I ride you.”
Yeah, I don’t know, either, but we did it and she never spilled one drop on me, which I thought was very impressive.
37. “Arm-wrestle me.”
She then proceeded to cry because I wouldn’t.
38. “Your tits are perfect…there should be a baby sucking on the nipple of one of them.”
39. He called out his own name.
He called out his own name. No joke, he really did. ‘Come on [His name], Yes [His name], yes. Oh god [his name]!!’ Never went back.
40. “Oh, Roy!”
My name is not Roy. Still finished, though.
41. “That cat walking by made eye contact with me.”
My husband was facing a window.
42. “Do you want pizza rolls?”
In the middle of my first sex session with my first GF. The answer was yes. Obviously. Who doesn’t?
43. “Is that Chris Brown?”
The TV was on and Chris Brown apparently was in the movie. I felt disappointed that she was even looking.
44. “Are you gay???”
We had just finished…
HER: “Are you gay???”
ME: ‘What?? Where were you the past 15 minutes?”
45. “I hate my roommates.”
First and only thing he has ever said to me during sex.
46. “I can’t believe you don’t like the red interior.”
We had gone car shopping earlier that day.
Was with this girl once and she did not moan or anything! Not a single peep out of her! I had never encountered this before so it was a bit strange. Then all the sudden she just says, “Uncle.” I had no idea what it meant and also thought it was weird because she lived with her uncle. She then went on the explain that she didn’t like that position because it was going in at a weird angle.
48. “I’d like your banana in me.”
49. “Are you sure? Cause if not, that’s rape.”
Her: “Do you wanna give me head?”
Her: “Are you sure? Cause if not, that’s rape.”
First time I ever fucked one of my exes, it was the first time she had ever really had an orgasm. So in a very breathless and semi-confused tone she just goes, “High-five?” Every time that I proceeded to get her off after that she would give me a high-five to indicate.
51. “What’s up with the tree behind your house?”
52. “I think I’m kaput.”
Just as he was about to orgasm he informed me, “I think I’m kaput.”
53. “Are you an organ donor?”
We’re still married.
54. “You fuck like a woman.”
Me: (Pause) “…okay… ”
Her: “That’s a compliment, baby.”
Context: She was a bisexual that had just left a 3-year relationship with a woman and hadn’t had sex with a man in over a year.