11. My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over.
“My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over. We are 100% white and I grew up, mostly, in the country. The one that I always remember happening was about diarrhea. Looking back though my dad was spittin’ hit fire in the 90s. He needs to drop a mixtape.”
12. Mom would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police.
“After my Dad died in 1999, my Mom went a little nutty. She would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police. Do you know what it’s like to be at a sleepover and have the cops come down the driveway for you? My friend’s Dad was PISSED. And then I get home and she like ‘Oh, I’m so glad you’re alive.’ The police got sick of her and I got a cellphone.”
13. My parents made out with each other at a party to embarrass me.
“At my fourteenth birthday party my mom was lying on the couch while my friends and I all ate pizza in the dining room. My back was to the living room so I was the only person who couldn’t see my mom. Suddenly my friends all started to giggle. I turned around to see my father slowly crawling on top of my mother to make out with her. I guess I should mention that my parents weren’t ever affectionate with one another and that this was done purposefully to embarrass me.”
14. My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLE—as in quantity and quality.
“My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLE—as in quantity and quality. I’m pretty sure he emits toxic fumes. Anyway, when I was a kid he refused to contain or excuse himself to privacy like a normal person. He perfected the skill of nonchalant farting. He swore if he acted normal, no one would know he had passed gas. The icing was that he told a select few family and friends about this habit, so he knew those people would fidget and get uncomfortable when they realized he had dropped a stealth bomb; their uneasiness would make other people think they were the offender and not him. Needless to say, it was very embarrassing, but my dad was calm enough about it that—yes, people would often carry on like they didn’t smell it. This went on for years. My mom got sick when I was pretty young. She had early onset Alzheimer’s which for her meant she had no filter for many years prior to her diagnosis. So she started calling my dad out whenever he did it. Loudly. It was horrible—horrible to be the child of the man who is constantly farting around other people and the woman who shouted at him to shame him for doing it. In hindsight it’s kind of funny.”
15. Dad ran away screaming from a mall interviewer.
“Was with my dad at the mall, and you know the people who approach you to answer the surveys?? Well, this lady picked the wrong person, AKA my dad.
‘Sir, do you have time to answer some questions?’
(Screams at the top of his lungs, puts up his hood and screams NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOO, while running away)
Leaving me there like….”
16. There mom was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a ‘whore’ for being in a relationship outside of marriage.
“Some backstory to add to how embarrassed I felt. My mother’s family was ‘working class,’ many of which were trashy. My mother was clearly one of the trashy ones. My father’s family were immigrants, but all became wealthy somewhat early on and were a bit more refined. Anyway, not that important, but basically there was just this perceived dynamic that my mom was trashy and me and my brothers were always self-conscious about that.
So fast-forward a few years, my parents split up. In a few years my mom gets pregnant. Which you know was to he expected honestly. But then because she is aware of how my father’s family (who were grew up with more, and were still very close with) viewed her. So she knew this was just going to be icing on the cake for them. She basically decided to deny the pregnancy. No problem, right? If she wants to buy herself a month or two, go ahead.
Well, my genius mom decided she was going to deny the pregnancy the whole way through. How would she handle the birth of the twins she was carrying? She had no clue, till this day we have no idea what she thought she was going to do.
But basically she forced us to play along and waited until she was 5 months pregnant, and huuuuge to finally ‘admit’ (basically my dad just said to her we all know and have known for a month at least) it.
But yea there she was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a ‘whore’ for being in a relationship outside of marriage. Speaking about it now, it’s the funniest thing I have ever heard of…but at the time I felt immense shame.”
17. My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, ‘This is the nude scene.’
“My parents, who were quite conservative, took 12-year-old me to see a production of Hair. My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, ‘This is the nude scene.’”
18. In front of my football team, Mom yelled, ‘BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU’ and wouldn’t leave until I said ‘love you’ back.
“When I was 13 years old my mother dropped me off for football practice and when I was getting out of the car she said ‘love you.’ wanting to look cool in front of my friends I didn’t say it back, she said it again and I had joined my friends and closed the door. So of course the only logical thing to do was roll down the window and yell at the top of her lungs, ‘BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU’ and wouldn’t leave until I said ‘love you’ back. What a nightmare.”
19. My dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python.
“Not really a specific time, but when my friends come over (or any time really), my dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python. After a while of this, he will pick up his over 80-year-old saxophone and proceed to blast everyone’s eardrums with his improv jazz. Embarrassed me as a kid, but now I have the most chill dad out of my friends.”
20. Mom put the ‘sag’ on in front of our whole school.
“7th grade story. My mom hated the whole sagging-your-pants fad and threatened to sag her pants in front of my whole school if i continued to do it. Fast-forward to a nice and busy morning in the parking lot in front of the school where students were dropped off. I get out of the car, pants sagging along. She screams out the window to pull up my pants. I pretend like I don’t hear her. She honks 5+ times to have everyone’s attention and proceeds to get out with her sweat pants down below her ass cheeks, granny panties flopping in the wind walking like a duck all while yelling ‘mijo look!’ Needless to say I never sagged my pants again.”