1. Dad had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks.
“We were having a sweet sixteen for a family friend which was a pool party and I was invited being the same age as the birthday girl, the adult had their section over by the grill (naturally) where the hot tub was well. My dad unfortunately had the task of ‘lifeguard’ since he was the only one that was CPR certified for his job. When I look over, the other adults had gone in and he was alone tending the grill and keeping an eye on the 20 other teens (most of them girls) lounging and playing games in the pool. As we walks over to the other side to pick up trash or whatever one of the girls yells ‘EWWW’ and points at my dad. He had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks. And I was known as the son of a pedophile. I changed schools and that was that.”
2. My mom accused me of sucking dick because I had zits.
“My mom just said earlier that when she was younger, she’d get zits on certain parts of her face for reasons…and her brother knew. ‘You’ve been sucking that dick, haven’t you?’”
3. My mother would dress me as a girl when I cried because only girls cry.
“My mother would dress me as a girl when I would cry when I was around 3 years old because only girls cry.”
4. Dad’s horseplay left me nude in front of my friends.
“I believe I was in third grade when this happened. I had two of best friends to my house for a sleepover and we were doing something in the living room when it was time for dinner. My dad thought it would be funny to take me to the dining room by picking me up by my feet and carrying me upside down. The only problem was that I was wearing sweatpants and when he lifted me he was grabbing more pant than ankle. I was in the air for a few seconds before I fell out of my pants onto the floor bottomless and dazed. Out of the sweats and boxers and all. I immediately ran away, Porky Pig style to cry in private. My dad came and tried to apologize but couldn’t stop laughing. At the time it was the most embarrassed I’d ever been. In retrospect…hilarious.”
5. Dad danced naked and projectile-vomited at a Christmas party.
“My parents would hold a Christmas cocktail party every year. One year, my parents hired my sister and my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Patty since that was her name, to act as circulating cocktail waitresses, bringing drinks and finger foods to all the guests. They probably had 20 or 25 guests.
Dad got hammered. Woo-hoo, boy-howdy D-R-U-N-K. Literally, like in the movies, lampshade on the head drunk. Mom angrily sends Dad upstairs ‘for a while.’
The master bedroom was directly over the living room. All of a sudden, the guests start hearing these…noises from right above their heads. In her annoyance, my mother sends 15yo Patty, my sister’s best friend, upstairs to check.
And she proceeds to find my father, naked as the day he was born, jumping on the bed like a hyperactive 4yo, his manhood flapping in the breeze.
“Mr. Smith, are you OK?” Patty asks, shocked to her core.
“I’m all right!” Dad exclaims, and then goes all Regan-from-The-Exorcist on her. Just projectile vomiting everywhere. Covered the bed, two walls, a full-length mirror…an oscillating lawn sprinkler of puke.
Patty didn’t get married until her early 40s. I am convinced this incident had an impact on that situation.
My mother and father had a passionate, tempestuous relationship. But in the 24 years they were married, I don’t think I ever saw her as angry as I saw her that night and….for like the next two months. It took some other husband in her Junior League circle of friends to get caught banging a babysitter or something for my mother to get over it.
It was just…everywhere.”
6. They made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.
“Made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.”
7. Mom is a little too open about her yeast infections.
“My mom was on the phone with her doctor because she had thrush or something in her mouth. The doc said it’s probably a yeast infection. She immediately says ‘Oh how strange. I usually get them on the other end!’ What the fuck, mom?”
8. Mom nodded out from drugs and began snoring during my choir recital.
“My mother liked drugs…she was high-functioning during the day at the time of this story but in the evening she partied. I begged her not to go to my high school freshman year Winter Concert (choir, and I had a solo). Second row there she was, positioned right in front of me with the lights from the stage illuminating her face…as she nodded out, and began to snore. I want to crawl inside of myself.”
9. Mom clogged a motel toilet and bragged to the maintenance man.
“My mother and I were staying at a hotel when I was around 15, and she took one of her epic dumps and clogged the toilet, so she had to call the front desk and have them send a maintenance guy. Guy walks in, he’s around 25, beautiful (of course), and my mother jokingly says to him, ‘So now you have to guess which one of us has the huge colon.’”
10. They found my condoms and then gave me sex tips.
“Found my condoms when they helped me move out of my freshman dorm. Then gave me sex tips.”