31. Sometimes we just like to hold our balls.
“Sometimes, when we’re on the couch, we just like to hold our balls. We’re not sexually aroused, we just like to hold them and know they are there.”
32. If you routinely slap your man’s hand away, don’t be surprised if he stops reaching.
“If you routinely slap your man’s hand away when he reaches for sex…don’t be surprised if he gets the point and stops reaching.”
33. We quite often lack the emotional intelligence or desire to articulate our feelings.
“Assuming you’re dealing with a normal male, what we say is what we mean, and what we mean is what we say. Any hidden meanings are a fiction invented by you; we don’t use that channel to communicate.
Conversely, do not use obfuscated communication methods with men for important topics; the odds of us missing or misinterpreting such a communication are high.
Do not talk about problems unless you are prepared to discuss the solution.
If we say we don’t care, we don’t. Especially as regards what we eat. If we say we don’t care, we’re not saying we don’t care who we eat with or whether we’ll eat, only that we don’t care what we eat or where we eat.
We’re generally shit at going to the doctors or dentists. Even in countries where healthcare is free. Remind us to check for cancer from time to time, or do it for us where possible/appropriate.
Our emotions tend to build up over time, as we quite often lack the emotional intelligence or desire to articulate our feelings. Fortunately, they also fade over time without any obvious outlets, so only sustained angst or serious trauma will have a long-lasting effect.”
34. Don’t be nice when rejecting us.
“Don’t be nice when rejecting someone. I’m a grown adult and can handle being told no. Just the other day I asked a girl what her plans were Friday and I got a ‘I work all weekend because it’s graduation weekend, but maybe next time!’
That could be a hint or genuine statement. Don’t leave shit up in the air, just be straight with us because for the love of god MEN CANNOT READ WOMEN’S MINDS.
P.S. If you get mad at me for something I did in a dream (I thought people joked about this until it happened to me), I now think you’re batshit insane and rule number one is never stick your dick in crazy.”
35. We love your big butt in those jeans.
“Your butt looks big in those jeans, and we fuckin’ love it.”
36. We pretend not to notice how fake your compliments sound.
“We pretend not to notice how fake your compliments sound. ‘Omg, i love your shirt!’ ‘You are soooo. Funny!’”
37. It’s okay to tell us, ‘No, I would not be interested in going out with you.’
“It’s okay to tell us, ‘No, I would not be interested in going out with you.’ It makes things a lot easier than saying, ‘Oh, sorry I can’t make it my grandma died…my dog is sick…I have to do XYZ.’ Its a shitty hint, especially after having a seemingly engaging string of conversations.”
38. A conversation you had in your head is not a conversation that actually happened.
“A conversation you had in your head is not a conversation that actually happened.”
39. Ignore all romantic advice from rom-coms.
“Every piece of romantic advice you’ve gotten from a rom-com should be jettisoned as fast as possible. ‘Hard to get’ does not work. Subtle hints are not going to be picked up on. There is no minimum waiting period for replying to texts, agreeing to a second date, resuming communication—anything. Put your cards on the table and be upfront. Men don’t hate a woman who says no; if anything, most men will be grateful that they can just move on. The happiest relationship I’ve ever been in began in one whirlwind night: We went from first date to drinks after to apartment in a single evening. I’m going to marry her once my bank balance has room for a ring in it.”
40. If you want us to understand something, then articulate in clear language.
“Men are not fucking mind readers. If you want us to understand something, then articulate in clear language. We play draughts, not chess.”