88 Hilarious News Headlines That Sound A Lot More Like ‘Onion’ Stories Than Real Life
1.
KKK LEADER VOWS TO MAKE GROUP MORE RACIALLY DIVERSE
2.
ENDANGERED BABY DOLPHIN DIES AFTER SWIMMERS PASS IT AROUND FOR SELFIES
3.
MAN BOMBS WALMART FOR NOT SELLING CONFEDERATE FLAG
4.
WOMAN’S DEAD BODY MISTAKEN FOR HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS
5.
THE WOMAN WHO WORE A FAKE DICK TO CATFISH HER FRIEND INTO SEX HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY
6.
THERE IS LITERALLY A U.S. GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY AGAINST VEGAN MAYO
7.
FISH LEAPS FROM RIVER, KNOCKS FLA. TEEN UNCONSCIOUS
8.
CAN A CANOPY BED EVER BE MASCULINE?
9.
NEBRASKA WOMAN FILES SUIT IN FEDERAL COURT AGAINST ALL HOMOSEXUALS
10.
WHY IS SPRING BEING SO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE?
11.
MOST MILLENNIALS CAN’T DO A SINGLE NICE THING FOR SOMEONE ELSE
12.
MISS ISRAEL AND MISS LEBANON APPEAR IN A SELFIE, SPARKING A NEW MIDEAST CONFLICT
13.
PRESIDENT OBAMA AGING ONLY AS FAST AS THE REST OF US, RESEARCHER FINDS
14.
WOMAN RECEIVES $31 CREDIT FROM UBER AFTER BEING SEXUALLY HARASSED BY DRIVER
15.
HARVARD BUSINESS SCHOOL PROFESSOR GOES TO WAR OVER $4 WORTH OF CHINESE FOOD
16.
100 BRAINS GO MISSING FROM UNIVERSITY
17.
XBOX ONE OWNERS CAN ORDER PIZZA BY YELLING FEED ME AT TV
18.
FANTASY DATE WITH TWINS TURNS SOUR FOR MANHATTAN MAN, 84
19.
SAUSAGE-MAKER WANTS TO SET RECORD STRAIGHT ON HOW SAUSAGE IS MADE
20.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MAKE A PODCAST ABOUT PODCASTS ABOUT A PODCAST
21.
FLORIDA SHOPPER VIDEOTAPED PUTTING CHAINSAW IN PANTS
22.
GAP HAS A PROBLEM: ITS “DRESS NORMAL” CAMPAIGN IS WAY TOO NORMAL
23.
EBOLA: HORRIBLE FOR PEOPLE, GREAT FOR BUSINESS
24.
ULTIMATE COFFEE FAN SPENDS 17 YEARS VISITING EVERY STARBUCKS IN THE WORLD
25.
THE WORST THING ABOUT SEAWORLD IS HOW FUCKING BORING IT IS
26.
IT’S TIME TO AIR THE REST OF HELLO KITTY’S SORDID PAST
27.
MAN SHOOTS HIMSELF IN THE HEAD AFTER TRYING TO TAKE A SELFIE WITH A GUN
28.
THE INTERNET SHOULD HAVE KILLED WEIRD AL. IT ONLY MADE HIM STRONGER
29.
AUDIENCE EJECTS CROWD-SURFER FROM CLASSICAL CONCERT
30.
PEOPLE INVESTED $1 MILLION IN AN APP THAT JUST SAYS ‘YO’
31.
IRAQ IS THE ULTIMATE STARTUP EVERYONE KNEW WAS DOOMED
32.
NOBODY CARES HOW AWESOME YOU ARE AT YOUR JOB
33.
SCIENTISTS CREATE WORLD’S TINIEST 3-D GLASSES TO SHOW BUGS 3-D MOVIES
34.
PORN ACTORS CALL FOR BOYCOTT OF SAMUEL L. JACKSON MOVIES AFTER HE RECOMMENDS FREE PORN
35.
CHINESE OFFICIALS DEBATE WHY CHINA CAN’T MAKE A SOAP OPERA AS GOOD AS SOUTH KOREA’S
36.
SENATOR AVOIDS GETTING HIT BY ONCOMING TRAIN DURING PRESS CONFERENCE ON TRAIN SAFETY
37.
NEW YORK TIMES ISSUES CORRECTION ON ARTICLE ABOUT CORRECTIONS
38.
STRAY CHIHUAHUAS TERRORIZE ARIZONA TOWN
39.
RACCOON WATCHES YANKEES’ SPRING TRAINING WORKOUTS
40.
RIVAL GROUNDHOGS DIFFER ON WINTER FORECASTS
41.
RUSSIAN ‘KILLS FRIEND IN ARGUMENT OVER WHETHER POETRY OR PROSE IS BETTER’
42.
SNAPCAT, A PHOTO-SHARING APP FOR CATS, IS FUN BUT PROBABLY NOT WORTH $3 BILLION
43.
MAKER OF ANIMATED GIFS WAITS FOR OFFBEAT MOMENTS
44.
FEED-THE-BEAR EXPERIMENT DRAWS PUBLIC-SAFETY WORRY
45.
GOP PLAN TO APPEAL TO MILLENNIALS: “MAKE ABORTION FUNNY”
46.
COP GETS STUCK IN TREE TRYING TO RESCUE CAT STUCK IN TREE
47.
RICH MANHATTAN MOMS HIRE HANDICAPPED TOUR GUIDES SO KIDS CAN CUT LINES AT DISNEY WORLD
48.
NASA MARS ROVER ACCIDENTALLY DRAWS PENIS ON RED PLANET
49.
BUSH: ‘SOME PEOPLE ARE SURPRISED I CAN EVEN READ’
50.
LAST TWO SPEAKERS OF DYING LANGUAGE REFUSE TO TALK TO EACH OTHER
51.
SOMALIA GETS A TOURIST, MOGADISHU OFFICIALS ARE BAFFLED
52.
JUSTIN BIEBER’S PET MONKEY QUARANTINED IN GERMANY
53.
STRICKEN JUSTIN BIEBER SUFFERS ANOTHER BLOW — HIS HAMSTER IS DEAD
54.
COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY STUDENTS CONSUME 100 POUNDS OF NUTELLA A DAY: REPORT
55.
FINDING THE JUST-RIGHT LEVEL OF SELF-ESTEEM FOR A CHILD
56.
WAREHOUSE WORKER PACKING STRESS BALLS PUNCHED HIS BOSS IN FACE
57.
MICHELLE OBAMA ALSO CAN’T PRONOUNCE QUVENZHANE WALLIS’ NAME
58.
VLADIMIR PUTIN HIRES BOYZ II MEN TO BOOST THE RUSSIAN BIRTH RATE
59.
THAT CUDDLY KITTY IS DEADLIER THAN YOU THINK
60.
SNOOP TO EDUCATE KIDS ABOUT SMOKING POT
61.
RUSSIA EMERGES FROM TWO-WEEK NEW YEAR DRINKING BINGE
62.
MONOPOLY IS SENDING A GAME PIECE TO JAIL, PERMANENTLY
63.
STYLISH BUT ILLEGAL MONKEY FOUND ROAMING TORONTO
64.
NO ONE REPORTED SHOT, STABBED OR SLASHED IN NYC ON MONDAY
65.
MAN SUES WIFE FOR BEING UGLY … AND WINS
66.
ELK BANISHED FROM 100 MILE RANCH B.C. AFTER FALLING IN LOVE WITH COW
67.
PAIR BANNED FROM ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT RESTAURANT FOR EATING TOO MUCH
68.
TYLENOL BOTTLES: HARD TO OPEN FOR 30 YEARS
69.
GOOD SMELL PERPLEXES NEW YORKERS
70.
MISSING WOMAN UNWITTINGLY JOINS SEARCH PARTY LOOKING FOR HERSELF
71.
OWNER TO RENAME HITLER CLOTHING SHOPS AFTER COMPLAINTS
72.
ANGRY NEPALI MAN BITES COBRA TO DEATH IN REVENGE ATTACK
73.
SUN IS TOO ROUND, SAY SCIENTISTS
74.
MORE OF AMERICA IS A DISASTER THAN NOT
75.
AREA MAN JOINS ORGANIZATION WHERE NOTHING MUCH EVER HAPPENS
76.
ARE SKINNY JEANS DESTROYING HIPSTER SPERM COUNTS?
77.
CAT HAS BEEN MAYOR OF ALASKA TOWN FOR 15 YEARS
78.
ADULT MEN WHO LIKE ‘MY LITTLE PONY’ GATHER, SAY THEY ARE NOT CREEPY
79.
FAN GETS KICKED OUT OF KENNY CHESNEY CONCERT FOR LOOKING TOO MUCH LIKE KENNY CHESNEY
80.
ARIZONA FIGHTS HIGHWAY DUST STORMS WITH HAIKU
81.
FOR WOULD-BE COUGARS, THE PROM IS A GOOD START
82.
70-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN SAYS SHE’S FINALLY READY FOR LOVE
83.
NEW SCHOOL CAN’T BE COUGARS BECAUSE MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN MIGHT BE OFFENDED
84.
‘HUGGER MUGGERS’: POLICE WARN OF ‘FRIENDLY’ CRIMINALS
85.
SOME CHILDREN’S CEREALS PACKED WITH SUGAR, STUDY FINDS
86.
87.
8-FOOT-TALL LEGO MAN WASHES UP ON FLORIDA BEACH, HELD IN CUSTODY