88 Hilarious News Headlines That Sound A Lot More Like ‘Onion’ Stories Than Real Life

Flickr / isado
Flickr / isado

1.

KKK LEADER VOWS TO MAKE GROUP MORE RACIALLY DIVERSE

2.

ENDANGERED BABY DOLPHIN DIES AFTER SWIMMERS PASS IT AROUND FOR SELFIES

3.

MAN BOMBS WALMART FOR NOT SELLING CONFEDERATE FLAG

4.

WOMAN’S DEAD BODY MISTAKEN FOR HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS

5.

THE WOMAN WHO WORE A FAKE DICK TO CATFISH HER FRIEND INTO SEX HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY

6.

THERE IS LITERALLY A U.S. GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY AGAINST VEGAN MAYO

7.

FISH LEAPS FROM RIVER, KNOCKS FLA. TEEN UNCONSCIOUS

8.

CAN A CANOPY BED EVER BE MASCULINE?

9.

NEBRASKA WOMAN FILES SUIT IN FEDERAL COURT AGAINST ALL HOMOSEXUALS

10.

WHY IS SPRING BEING SO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE?

11.

MOST MILLENNIALS CAN’T DO A SINGLE NICE THING FOR SOMEONE ELSE

12.

MISS ISRAEL AND MISS LEBANON APPEAR IN A SELFIE, SPARKING A NEW MIDEAST CONFLICT

13.

PRESIDENT OBAMA AGING ONLY AS FAST AS THE REST OF US, RESEARCHER FINDS

14.

WOMAN RECEIVES $31 CREDIT FROM UBER AFTER BEING SEXUALLY HARASSED BY DRIVER

15.

HARVARD BUSINESS SCHOOL PROFESSOR GOES TO WAR OVER $4 WORTH OF CHINESE FOOD

16.

100 BRAINS GO MISSING FROM UNIVERSITY

17.

XBOX ONE OWNERS CAN ORDER PIZZA BY YELLING FEED ME AT TV

18.

FANTASY DATE WITH TWINS TURNS SOUR FOR MANHATTAN MAN, 84

19.

SAUSAGE-MAKER WANTS TO SET RECORD STRAIGHT ON HOW SAUSAGE IS MADE

20.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MAKE A PODCAST ABOUT PODCASTS ABOUT A PODCAST

21.

FLORIDA SHOPPER VIDEOTAPED PUTTING CHAINSAW IN PANTS

22.

GAP HAS A PROBLEM: ITS “DRESS NORMAL” CAMPAIGN IS WAY TOO NORMAL

23.

EBOLA: HORRIBLE FOR PEOPLE, GREAT FOR BUSINESS 

24.

ULTIMATE COFFEE FAN SPENDS 17 YEARS VISITING EVERY STARBUCKS IN THE WORLD

25.

THE WORST THING ABOUT SEAWORLD IS HOW FUCKING BORING IT IS

26.

IT’S TIME TO AIR THE REST OF HELLO KITTY’S SORDID PAST

27.

MAN SHOOTS HIMSELF IN THE HEAD AFTER TRYING TO TAKE A SELFIE WITH A GUN

28.

THE INTERNET SHOULD HAVE KILLED WEIRD AL. IT ONLY MADE HIM STRONGER

29.

AUDIENCE EJECTS CROWD-SURFER FROM CLASSICAL CONCERT

30.

PEOPLE INVESTED $1 MILLION IN AN APP THAT JUST SAYS ‘YO’

31.

IRAQ IS THE ULTIMATE STARTUP EVERYONE KNEW WAS DOOMED

32.

NOBODY CARES HOW AWESOME YOU ARE AT YOUR JOB

33.

SCIENTISTS CREATE WORLD’S TINIEST 3-D GLASSES TO SHOW BUGS 3-D MOVIES

34.

PORN ACTORS CALL FOR BOYCOTT OF SAMUEL L. JACKSON MOVIES AFTER HE RECOMMENDS FREE PORN

35.

CHINESE OFFICIALS DEBATE WHY CHINA CAN’T MAKE A SOAP OPERA AS GOOD AS SOUTH KOREA’S

36.

SENATOR AVOIDS GETTING HIT BY ONCOMING TRAIN DURING PRESS CONFERENCE ON TRAIN SAFETY

37.

NEW YORK TIMES ISSUES CORRECTION ON ARTICLE ABOUT CORRECTIONS

38.

STRAY CHIHUAHUAS TERRORIZE ARIZONA TOWN

39.

RACCOON WATCHES YANKEES’ SPRING TRAINING WORKOUTS

40.

RIVAL GROUNDHOGS DIFFER ON WINTER FORECASTS

41.

RUSSIAN ‘KILLS FRIEND IN ARGUMENT OVER WHETHER POETRY OR PROSE IS BETTER’

42.

SNAPCAT, A PHOTO-SHARING APP FOR CATS, IS FUN BUT PROBABLY NOT WORTH $3 BILLION

43.

MAKER OF ANIMATED GIFS WAITS FOR OFFBEAT MOMENTS

44.

FEED-THE-BEAR EXPERIMENT DRAWS PUBLIC-SAFETY WORRY

45.

GOP PLAN TO APPEAL TO MILLENNIALS: “MAKE ABORTION FUNNY”

46.

COP GETS STUCK IN TREE TRYING TO RESCUE CAT STUCK IN TREE

47.

RICH MANHATTAN MOMS HIRE HANDICAPPED TOUR GUIDES SO KIDS CAN CUT LINES AT DISNEY WORLD

48.

NASA MARS ROVER ACCIDENTALLY DRAWS PENIS ON RED PLANET

49.

BUSH: ‘SOME PEOPLE ARE SURPRISED I CAN EVEN READ’

50.

LAST TWO SPEAKERS OF DYING LANGUAGE REFUSE TO TALK TO EACH OTHER

51.

SOMALIA GETS A TOURIST, MOGADISHU OFFICIALS ARE BAFFLED

52.

JUSTIN BIEBER’S PET MONKEY QUARANTINED IN GERMANY

53.

STRICKEN JUSTIN BIEBER SUFFERS ANOTHER BLOW — HIS HAMSTER IS DEAD

54.

COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY STUDENTS CONSUME 100 POUNDS OF NUTELLA A DAY: REPORT

55.

FINDING THE JUST-RIGHT LEVEL OF SELF-ESTEEM FOR A CHILD

56.

WAREHOUSE WORKER PACKING STRESS BALLS PUNCHED HIS BOSS IN FACE

57.

MICHELLE OBAMA ALSO CAN’T PRONOUNCE QUVENZHANE WALLIS’ NAME

58.

VLADIMIR PUTIN HIRES BOYZ II MEN TO BOOST THE RUSSIAN BIRTH RATE

59.

THAT CUDDLY KITTY IS DEADLIER THAN YOU THINK

60.

SNOOP TO EDUCATE KIDS ABOUT SMOKING POT

61.

RUSSIA EMERGES FROM TWO-WEEK NEW YEAR DRINKING BINGE

62.

MONOPOLY IS SENDING A GAME PIECE TO JAIL, PERMANENTLY

63.

STYLISH BUT ILLEGAL MONKEY FOUND ROAMING TORONTO

64.

NO ONE REPORTED SHOT, STABBED OR SLASHED IN NYC ON MONDAY

65.

MAN SUES WIFE FOR BEING UGLY … AND WINS

66.

ELK BANISHED FROM 100 MILE RANCH B.C. AFTER FALLING IN LOVE WITH COW

67.

PAIR BANNED FROM ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT RESTAURANT FOR EATING TOO MUCH

68.

TYLENOL BOTTLES: HARD TO OPEN FOR 30 YEARS

69.

GOOD SMELL PERPLEXES NEW YORKERS

70.

MISSING WOMAN UNWITTINGLY JOINS SEARCH PARTY LOOKING FOR HERSELF

71.

OWNER TO RENAME HITLER CLOTHING SHOPS AFTER COMPLAINTS

72.

ANGRY NEPALI MAN BITES COBRA TO DEATH IN REVENGE ATTACK

73.

SUN IS TOO ROUND, SAY SCIENTISTS

74.

MORE OF AMERICA IS A DISASTER THAN NOT

75.

AREA MAN JOINS ORGANIZATION WHERE NOTHING MUCH EVER HAPPENS

76.

ARE SKINNY JEANS DESTROYING HIPSTER SPERM COUNTS?

77.

CAT HAS BEEN MAYOR OF ALASKA TOWN FOR 15 YEARS

78.

ADULT MEN WHO LIKE ‘MY LITTLE PONY’ GATHER, SAY THEY ARE NOT CREEPY

79.

FAN GETS KICKED OUT OF KENNY CHESNEY CONCERT FOR LOOKING TOO MUCH LIKE KENNY CHESNEY

80.

ARIZONA FIGHTS HIGHWAY DUST STORMS WITH HAIKU

81.

FOR WOULD-BE COUGARS, THE PROM IS A GOOD START

82.

70-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN SAYS SHE’S FINALLY READY FOR LOVE

83.

NEW SCHOOL CAN’T BE COUGARS BECAUSE MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN MIGHT BE OFFENDED

84.

‘HUGGER MUGGERS’: POLICE WARN OF ‘FRIENDLY’ CRIMINALS

85.

SOME CHILDREN’S CEREALS PACKED WITH SUGAR, STUDY FINDS

86.

ZOO TO SPLIT UP GAY PENGUINS

87.

8-FOOT-TALL LEGO MAN WASHES UP ON FLORIDA BEACH, HELD IN CUSTODY

88.

FAMILY LOST IN MASSACHUSETTS CORN MAZE CALLS 911 FOR HELP TC mark

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