13. I used OKCupid to hook up with 30 guys over two months
“I (female) used OKCupid to hook up with about 30 guys in a two month period, some of them multiple times but mostly not.
I ended up ditching the site for a short-lived, unfortunate relationship with one of the guys and went back after my next, current, wonderful relationship became open and turned my account back off about a week later when I realized why I was glad I’d left the site:
It’s made to be an addiction. You get all the sex and/or human connection you want, but these sites are based on a quantity model. As in to have any hope of finding quality, unless you beat the odds, you have to play by quantity. You have to go on as many dates as possible to have one really, truly good one.
Not that most of the dates were bad. Just that you have so many mediocre or fine or pretty all right dates that you start to forget what a good one feels like.
Now I’m a classy slut so I almost always vetted these guys with food or coffee before taking them back to my place, so I got really good at small talk. By the end of two months I started loathing all of them. I remember sitting in a cafe, staring at the steam from my coffee cup, listening to a guy I liked well enough (we both liked books by the Lost Generation and bad horror movies) talk about his relationship with his mom, which I had started by bringing up my mom, and I realized how fucking bored I was. I didn’t give a shit about his mom or anybody else’s. I caught myself actively waiting for him to stop talking so that it would be my turn again, because this was the third guy this week I’d heard talk about his mom and he just cared so much more than I ever could. And I said to myself, ‘this isn’t me; I can’t be this shitty to people.’
I got over 1000 profile views a day on OK Cupid. I got on average messages from 30 different guys a day. Even winnowing out the ‘hey bb wunt sum fuck’ messages that left me with at least 5-10 prospects a day, and I wasn’t being all that picky at first. Then I started being picky, but only about looks, because I realized after 20 or so first dates that I had no way to figure out how our personalities would really mesh until I met him in person, so I decided, screw it, I’ll just try to cut down on the overwhelming number of meaningless, shallow interactions by only having them with the exceptionally hot guys. I hated myself for that, too.
The crazy thing is, I went into this thinking I was going to learn a lot about having sex. All I really learned was how to have bad sex, or pretty okay sex. I never had truly amazing sex during these hook-ups. It was, above all, mediocre. These guys would all kiss poorly, likely sloppily, and there was lots of lead-up to the sex, but I wouldn’t call it foreplay; rather, it was an extended make-out session where we tested how far the other person was willing to go, and once we were both naked it was ‘okay time for the main event: penis in vagina!’ I gave a little head here and there when requested or I felt like it but I never received head (I asked a few times and they’d give a few half-hearted licks before saying ‘I can’t wait’ and going to the p-I-v). Then, I swear to God, every one of these guys became a literal jackhammer. They went for, above all, SPEED. They fucked me as fast as they fucking could. Not as hard as they could, not as well as they could; fast. I had to stop myself from laughing at it so often. I felt like a masturbation tool. One that was worshipped like a goddess and treated like a human being, just… They all had sex like they were masturbating into me. Because they didn’t know a thing about how to have good sex from anybody’s perspective but their own.
And don’t get me wrong. Most sex with most people is bad the first time. You just don’t know how the other person works. So a word to the wise guys out there: The first time you fuck a girl, do everything as slowly as you can. Get to the sex slower. Rub her clit first, very softly and slowly. Eat her out a little. Kiss all the way down her body. When you get to the p-I-v, don’t be a jackhammer. Like Tenacious D says, fuck her gently. Move slowly, every movement of every muscle made with intention. It will be amazing, for you and for her. She will call you back. You’re not going to be able to be a porn star that first night. But you can be sensual, and fucking great.
I met all kinds of guys. Guys who were in the game the same way I was and just wanted a few rounds of Smash Bros before bouncing their balls off my clit while they doggie-styled me. Guys who stuck to missionary with a passion and were heartbroken—literally—when I wouldn’t return their calls after a one-night stand that was a walk in the park with a joint, a movie in bed and some sex—the first day we met. Guys everywhere in between. But in the end there were so many guys that they all just felt kind of the same. I liked a lot of them a lot and would have probably dated them a while in more classical circumstances but there just wasn’t any real spark. And I was glad I had gotten the sex out of the way so quickly. Once that question was answered it was easier to see them for who they were instead of who I wanted them to be, the personality-judgment-equivalent of fucking them with the lights off so their body looks however I want it to look.
Would I go back in time and do it all again? Hell yeah. Would I do it again now? No fucking way.
My final lesson: WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM. FUCKING DO IT. I got tested for STD’s after all of this and somehow miraculously caught none and that’s a miracle because I never used a condom because I’m on the pill and he never brought it up. And I always thought I was the kind of person who would be like, ‘duh, of course I’d always use a condom! STD’s are scary!’ AND THEN I NEVER DID AND THAT FUCKING TERRIFIES ME. And none of them did either. Even though they were all very smart guys. Most of them didn’t even ask if I was on birth control. GUYS. WE HAVE TO BE SMARTER ABOUT THIS, OKAY?”