18 Highly Embarrassing (And Shamefully Hilarious) Real-Life Stories From The Emergency Room

Ines Perkovic
Ines Perkovic
Found on AskReddit.

1. Butternut squash in the vagina

“One of my friends works in the ER. He said that girls come in every once in a while with different things stuck up their vagina. Such as dildos, cucumbers, and one time a whole butternut squash. He said it was about a foot long, close to 12cm in diameter, and weighed 2.5 pounds. Apparently if you stick something in there and fill it up it creates a vacuum-like effect which just sucks it all in. They had to break it apart inside her to break the vacuum.”

2. Senior citizen with chlamydia

“Not a doctor but a medic in an ER. My favorite so far is having to call security on a wife when the doctor told the patient (70-year-old dude) that he had chlamydia and the wife started freaking out and yelling about cheating. Somewhat embarrassing I guess.”

3. Genital piercings locked together

“My buddy’s dad had a couple came in where they both had genital piercings and while mid-intercourse, their piercings interlocked. They came in stuck together.”

4. Glade Air Freshener can where it’s most needed

“Wife working trauma, level 1 hospital. Guy comes in, abdominal pain. Says he was at a party, hasn’t been able to shit for 2 days. Scan shows full size Glade Air Freshener can inserted in his rectum. ‘No idea how it got there.’ Kicker is, it was inserted bottom first, so concave side in, full suction. Wife gives paralytic to relax all his muscles, inserts a hose to equalize pressure double fisted up some dude’s ass to retrieve said Glade can. Operation a success. This is, I believe, the third or fourth large object she has removed from some dude’s ass. I don’t get specifics, just the gist of these stories.”

5. Naked gator wrestling

“Obligatory not a doctor, but this is my friend’s dad’s favorite story (He was an ER doc): There was a frat house that had a pet alligator in a large aquarium. (I’m sure this was against their university’s policy, but that’s besides the point.) One drunken frat boy for whatever reason decided to get in the tank with the gator naked. The gator apparently didn’t take too well to this and bit him in a rather sensitive area. He was too embarrassed to explain the source of his injury to a doctor so he waited three days and by then it had become infected. I believe the guy now qualifies for a Darwin Award…”

6. Sawing off a metal cock ring

“I was still in med school at the time, but I saw a guy for follow up who had used a metal cock ring which then proceeded to get stuck. He didn’t seek help for a day and then finally went to the ER where they had to saw off the cock ring. The horrific swelling and bruising wasn’t quite so bad by the time I saw him but don’t worry, he showed me a picture of what it looked like right after they sawed the ring off. I saw another dude, probably late 60s or early 70s, with similar levels of brushing and swelling who had gotten overenthusiastic with a penis pump. He very kindly told me to warn all my patients about the dangers of penis pumping. I became an OB/GYN instead.”

7. Pooping out of the penis

“My friend who is definitely a doctor told me he had a patient [name redacted] who was in serious pain. [Name redacted] was pooping out of his penis and was immediately put into the ER. After hours and hours of intense surgery he was pronounced cured. He got some antibiotics and he turned out fine. [Name redacted] and my friend are still pretty good friends to this day. They even still get drinks and have a good laugh about pooping through the urethra every now and then.”

8. The man who swallowed a tobacco pipe

“My dad was a respiratory therapist and one of his patients was a sixty-year-old man. As the story goes, the man had his son with him answering all the questions. When my dad asked why this was, he just looked at the man and said, ‘Yeah dad, explain why I have to answer them.’ Long story short the man had inhaled his tobacco pipe and could feel it moving every time he talked. They got it out and when the son left the room the man asked my dad if he could have the pipe back.”

9. Shampoo bottle in the bunghole

“A shampoo bottle stuck in ass. No lie.”

10. A Bic pen up the ass

“Not a doctor but I was an orderly at a mental institution once, a guy came up and asked for help removing a Bic pen from his ass.”

11. Light bulb up the butt

“I’m a nurse in an emergency department and we had one guy come in with light bulb stuck in ‘that’ area. He tensed when we were removing it and it shattered; he had to go for emergency surgery.”

12. Penile fracture

“Penile fracture. It’s a real thing. Usually occurs during girl-on-top or ‘doggy-style’ positions when the penis slips out of the vagina and forcefully strikes the pubic bone of the partner. Though it is referred to as a ‘fracture,’ it’s more of a rupture of the tunic surrounding the erectile bodies. It’s a surgical emergency and failure to investigate and repair the defect may result in lifelong erectile dysfunction or missed concomitant injuries to the urethra. Despite the urgency, one patient I saw was adamant that he injured himself while roofing his home in the middle of the night.”

13. Tooth lodged in the ear canal

“My brother had lost a baby tooth. He was lying on the couch watching TV playing with the tooth in his fingers above his head. He dropped the tooth and it fell directly into his ear canal. After trying to get it out himself with his fingers he only pushed it deeper in. My father took him to the hospital to get it extracted. The doctor said he had never seen a case of a tooth lodged into an ear canal.”

14. Arrow in the eyeball

“Man once came in with a minor puncture to his eye. He had decided he would try to see what it looked like to have a bow and arrow aimed at you, so he aimed a drawn arrow at his reflection in a mirror and accidentally fired. It bounced off and hit his eye.”

15. Trimming the “hedges”

“Male 20’s, comes [in] with horrific gashes and lacerations to his upper thighs and front of groin. After a little prompting, reveals that he was doing the lawn, saw a hedge that needed trimming, and just thought to himself, ‘Why get another cutting tool while I’ve got one right here?’ And lifts the mower up and uses it. Predictably, drops it on his front, gets sliced up, comes to hospital. A few hours pass…maybe 6 or so, and another patient, male late 20’s comes up to theatre with EXACTLY the same injury. After more prompting, he reveals he was driving home from work, saw some guy using his lawnmower to trim hedges (turns out it was the FIRST guy!) and thought, ‘Well, shit, that looks like a fantastic idea!’ Goes home, and has the same thing happen. Hah! You may now all begin with the ‘trimming the hedge’ jokes.”

16. Two pennies, two nostrils

“My mom had a guy bring his son in with a penny in his nose. No problem, popped it out. Couple minutes later, gets a call that someone had a penny in nose. She says, no, I already took care of that. They insisted there was someone with a penny in his nose. Went out to check, there was the very same sheepish dad with a penny up HIS nose. ‘I just wanted to see how he did it…’ was his explanation.”

17. One guy, one jar

“My mom helped a man recover from having a glass jar break inside his anus. Yes, I am aware that this guy was probably the man from 1 guy, 1 jar.

18. The caulk in the cock

“My cousin is a nurse and she told us this story about couple that came in into the ER and were obviously on heavy drugs. Apparently worst affecting his ability to get it up so they decided to put caulk in his urethra to try and make it hard. She calls that story the caulk in the cock.” TC mark

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