12 Women Describe Their Most God-Awful Sexual Experience

Shutterstock / Piotr Marcinski
Shutterstock / Piotr Marcinski

1. Getting oral from him was like watching someone really, really disagree with my vagina

“My ex was not so much in the bedroom. Getting oral from him was like watching someone really, really disagree with my vagina. Somehow, somewhere, he learned that oral sex means stick out your tongue and shake your head vigorously. And regular sex was also bad. I used to cover my mouth to keep from laughing. Like a dog, he’d only move his lower body when humping, then he’d have to sort of keep scooting up….it was just awful. So, I decided that a switch to doggy style was necessary (it got it over with quickly). So from behind he’d stick just the tip in then turn his hips from side to side like he was trying to use my vagina to hold one end so he could bend himself. Luckily he was pretty small so it only pushed on the walls a little and was very uncomfortable.”

Descension

2. He told me to expect heavy precipitation in my Southern hemisphere

“I slept with the weatherman when I worked for a TV station. He asked me if I wanted him to talk dirty. I said sure (in the right circumstances it can work). He told me to expect heavy precipitation in my Southern hemisphere. His forecast was wrong. True story.”

Colleen

3. I had no idea that his penis was smaller than my thumb

“I didn’t feel anything. I had no idea that his penis was smaller than my thumb. And he really thought he was doing something…at least to himself he was, he was sweating, overheating, and he had a major orgasm…and I just didn’t feel anything. I mean I didn’t even feel his penis inside of me and I’m not sure it reached that far. I was just devastated.”

Cherie

4. his wiener was itty-bitty-bitty

“The worst was a guy who was ahemm *performing* shall we say, and before we got together was bragging about how ‘good’ he was…when he finally starts going, I’m thinking what the hell is he doing with his tongue—he was sooo unskilled I was actually embarrassed for the guy. The funny thing is that he seemed really cocky about his ‘skills’ and I didn’t want to bruise his ego by offering suggestions. Yes I faked it, felt bad that he was apparently trying so hard, and I was dying for it to be over—totally awkward. AND his wiener was itty-bitty-bitty—total deal breaker…sad, but true—harsh, I know.”

NaNa

5. he was waiting and trying to untie himself for 45 minutes

“I met this guy at a party so I gave him my number and we decided to hang out the next day. We went out in the afternoon for lunch and I took him back to my apt. He agreed to be tied to my bed so I did, only to realize that I didn’t have any condoms left. To be playful, I told him to wait tied like that on my bed while I went to Walgreens. On the way back from Walgreens I ran into a friend of mine that I had a crush on and I haven’t seen him for ages. So I was really surprised and happy to see him and we ended up talking. Apparently he lived near by the neighborhood now. He asked me to see his new apt so I went over there and chat for like almost half an hour or so. Yes, I finally realized that I had a guy tied up in my apt. I quickly said sorry that I had to run. He must think I was acting weird, not to mention he probably saw the condoms in the thin walgreens white plastic bag. I came back home and my date was gone. Thank god nothing else was missing. According to my friend who knew his friends, he was waiting and trying to untie himself for 45 minutes. Oops!”

Perry

6. I got rug burn from his stubble

“I once had sex with a guy that hadn’t shaved part of his ‘area’ for a few days so I got rug burn from his stubble. It was pretty bad… I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. I stopped talking to him for a while and he called in the middle of the night a few weeks later and tried to have phone sex. it was so hysterical I just played along to see what he would say…I was rolling on the floor with laughter. I don’t think he knew I was ‘faking’ the phone sex so I felt like that was my revenge for the rug burn.”

Betty

7. he slapped himself in the balls hard

“Ha ha, I think accidental ball slapping is more common than people realize—I was on top of a guy once, and he was slapping my ass, and we were getting really into it until…he missed, and slapped himself in the balls, HARD. And then I could not for the life of me stop laughing, as he writhed around in pain on the bed.”

Anon

8. Get the Hell off Me!

“The worst sex I have ever had was actually my first experience with everything. I was only 20 yrs old…yeah late bloomer, and he was 30. I gave him a bj, because I was curious and I thought it was about time I found out what it was like. That part wasn’t too bad, but when he came, it tasted like a penny in my mouth. He has a lot of alcohol in his system, and I had no idea that it would taste that bad. Then he gave me oral, and It did absolutely nothing for me at all. I kept on thinking to myself, is this it? is this what all the fuss is about, it feels like Sh*t!! lol He must not be doing it right, or has no idea what he is doing. Then we tried to have actual sex…OMG…I could not understand why it hurt so bad, and why it wouldn’t go in..I mean, at the time, and since i was 13 I was masturbating, so I knew I wasn’t tight and I couldn’t understand why if i could get my Fingers in myself, why this wasn’t working….I was in so much pain the more he tried to penetrate, the worse it got, I told him at least 5 times to stop, and he said, ‘well it’s supposed to hurt your first time,’ so I let him keep going for another few thrusts…then I finally had enough pain and screamed ‘Get the Hell off Me’!! And he did. After that, I bled for 3 days.”

babyboo3980

9. He was sweating buckets off of himself

“The worst sex I ever had was with a guy I dated for a short time after my son’s father. He was very sweet and a great guy outside of the bedroom but in bed all he did was sweat. I mean not just normal perspiring, I understand that happens I sweat a bit too. He was sweating buckets off of himself. By the end of sex I was soaked so much it was like I was in a shower(his sweat would POUR off his face) I never told him but it definitely wasn’t enjoyable.”

Mandi

10. he finished before it was in

“Worst sex was with this super gorgeous guy at work, his body was killer and we flirted for months. I finally decided to give him some. Big Mistake!!! He was so little (not really even the problem) but he was sweating and making all this noise, telling me how good it feels, that I got the best….. He wasn’t even in yet!!! He finished and I was through!!”

bekkarei75

11. He had no idea what a clitoris was let alone how sensitive it could be!

“How many have done the ‘consolation fuck’? You know, you’re dumping them but wanna give them at least something to remember you by and it goes horribly wrong? Or how about the time I was involved with a man who thought, and had been told, that he was great in bed but couldn’t even come close to my mighty-intruder-vibrator? I mean, God in short-shorts, the man didn’t even know how to kiss, let alone touch a breast! Christ, I had to show him where the fun spot on my body was! He had no idea what a clitoris was let alone how sensitive it could be! Bad sex, oh yeah, I’ll bet in the end you’ll get more stories from women than men because men consider it good if they can at least get their rocks off. Most of the time, women don’t but men never know the difference!”

Anonymous

12. decisions, decisions…

“The worst sex I ever had…wow, so many to choose from it is hard to say. Was it the date rape by the sailor on the bathroom floor of the motel? (I didn’t even think to call it that at the time, but looking back on it I’d have to say that’s what it was). Was it the gorgeous Israeli box boy with killer green eyes in the back of my Toyota, where he thrust twice, came, and seeing the look on my face asked me if he had hurt me? Or was it the gold-chain wearing Iranian guy who came INSTANTLY, and then, when I decided that maybe he just needed to get it out of his system, went on to come INSTANTLY two more times within 30 minutes, and seemed completely unfazed by this? Decisions, decisions….”

Stoid TC mark

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    a new guy transferred over to our apartment complex and we became immediately friends, after having spent a couple of times with him with the other people in the bldg doing movie nights and playing poker we decided to hook up. it has been awhile since i was with somebody and though that there was potential, then we kissed, took our clothes off and in like 15 seconds he was done. i gave him another chance thinking that it has also been a long time since his last intercourse but the second time was for like 20 seconds or so… i never bothered being friends with him ever again

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    I have to say, this post is very funny! But dammit, women should feel empowered to say what they want in the sack. We shouldn’t be faking orgasms. Men tell us what they want, hell, they demand it, and often times, we oblige. It’s about time we do the same. Take control of our sex lives and demand what we want like we do in every other aspect of our lives.

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