12 Men Describe Their Most God-Awful Sexual Experience

Shutterstock / Syda Productions/a>
Shutterstock / Syda Productions/a>

1. like having sex with a platter of warm organ meats

“I had sex once with someone I wasn’t really attracted to. She was (is) a very good and supportive friend, I love her that way, and she’d always wanted me. She just wanted some sex between friends, which I do all the time, so I figured why not… it would increase her happiness if nothing else. But I really wasn’t prepared for the lack of attraction factor. I thought it would only have a neutral affect on the whole affair, but I discovered that having sex with someone you don’t really want is like having sex with a platter of warm organ meats. Not really something very sexy at all. I was really turned off and it felt wrong and yucky. The only time sex has ever felt wrong and yucky to me.”


2. she Goes full corpse mode

“Meet girl at bar. Booty calls me a week or two later. Spend night at her place. Lots of making out at first, then we jump into bed. Goes full corpse mode. Doesn’t want to try anything besides missionary. At one point while she’s limply tugging at my penis, I straight up tell her, ‘You know, I’d love it if you’d go down on me right now.’ She reacts by putting her fingers to her lips and whispering, ‘Shhh…’ That night ruined any momentum our relationship might have had.”


3. the WORST-smelling pussy I have ever smelt

“In high school I dated a sophomore girl for a few weeks and we had sex once in the auditorium stairwell while a Halo tourney was going on. Would have been at least by-the-books decent fucking except for the fact that she had the WORST-smelling pussy I have ever smelt. Good lord, it was like she stuffed garbage up there if the trash can was out of reach. The next Monday I gave her the ol’ ‘it’s not you it’s me’ garbage and traded up for a girl my age whose snapper didn’t remind me of a landfill.”


4. Definitely lesbian

“When I was in college I had sex with a gal who was trying to decide if she was bisexual or lesbian. Definitely lesbian.”


5. a stream of baby batter hitting me square in the eye

“About seven years ago, I was dating a girl from a good, Catholic family, and after about six weeks without even a glimpse of anything her end, it began to dawn on me that I was trying to break into the Fort Knox of chastity, meaning our sexual relationship mostly revolved around her awkward handjobs. Anyway, we were getting intimate one Friday night and the tedious routine was taking even longer than usual. I could tell she was getting disheartened so I suggested she slip me a finger and fish around for my G-spot. Normally this would be out of the question, but she decided to spoil me that day, so I hoisted my feet up on the mattress while she knelt on the floor, fingering me with one hand and jerking it with the other. This horribly unfortunate alignment of face and genitals directed the ensuing orgasm into my own face, with a stream of baby batter hitting me square in the eye. Popeye’s signature jingle has followed me around like a cum stain on my character ever since.”


6. I could not be bothered to find a machete to cut through her hairy jungle

“Got home with a real good-looking girl…Took of her clothes while it was dark…started touching her back, and realized she had the worst Acne attack there…touched her breast, and could feel long hard hairs around her nipples…took of her pants, and felt that she almost had more hair down in her nether regions than on her head. She ended up just lying there flat on her back expecting something special from me…the only thing she got was a wet leg, because I could not be bothered to find a machete to cut through her hairy jungle.”


7. 10cc of exuberance deep inside her

“Some girl who worked in a strip club took a liking to me. She wasn’t hot, but she was a woman who was willing to have sex with me, and that counted for a lot. For the record, I haven’t cum prematurely in over ten years. For the record, this shag was over ten years ago and I came. Prematurely. I tried to keep going and pretend I hadn’t just shot 10cc of exuberance deep inside her but it didn’t work. It never does.”


8. a MOTH with an 8-inch wing span flies in through my open bedroom window

“1 – 2 AM: I’m back home with a girl I’ve known for a few weeks.. we’re both nice and sauced. we finally make it up to my room and start getting to business. gratuitous kissing of the body and what not leads to sex. condom on and it’s fun drunk sex! suddenly, and i kid you not, a MOTH with an 8-inch wing span flies in through my open bedroom window. judging by the way it was flying, it must have been as drunk as us. unfortunately, my fear of moths trumps any kind of common sense. I screamed like a schoolgirl and jumped off the bed. She was petrified, like a burglar had entered the room. Once she saw the moth though, she too entered Freak Mode. We are both naked and screaming like children. The whole ordeal ended with me eventually killing the moth with a sandal + pillow + my hands. I flushed the behemoth down the toilet and that was it. We both went to sleep.”


9. Imagine mildew, old urine and a slight whiff of ass, Then toss that into a can of tuna

“So I was talking with a girl online about 5 years ago, back when I was living in SoCal. She seemed of the shy type, but after about a couple of weeks, she really opened up, phone and Skype sex every other night, all the stuff. We decide to finally meet up because we could not take it anymore. She wanted some, I wanted it all, and it would be hot to meet somewhere in the middle (we lived a good 40ish miles apart) and just go. The day comes, and after having lunch and playing mini-golf, we get to the motel, I shell out $90, and we get into the room and immediately my shirt is flying, and we are making out. Now, the first warning sign was that it was my clothes being shed. She wasn’t a secret fatty, because I saw what was up over cam. But hell, she was pulling me and getting down so I paid it little attention. I get around to getting her on the bed, taking her shirt off, unbuckling her bra and giving her every bit of attention with my mouth. She’s loving it, and after some time, starts to unbuckle her pants, but stops. I think to myself, ‘Ok, she wants me to do it’ but when I reach, she pushes me away. Now, I’m harder than Thor’s hammer and I want to go all out, so I push her hand away and begin to strip off the pants and tear off her panties. BIG FUCKING MISTAKE. The smell came all at once, and hit me harder and faster than a 12-gauge to the temple. From hard as a rock to a banana peel, and it took all the willpower to not heave. I looked at her, and she had this look that told me that this was a problem for other guys and was awaiting my reaction. With eyes watering and the gag reflexes doing the work of gods, I kissed her and began fingering…I did not want her to feel bad but my dick could not do that work. Then the worst thing happens. She pushes my head down in an effort to do the impossible…but again, I didn’t want to make her feel bad. I spread her apart, breathing from my mouth, and mind you the smell gets worse. Imagine mildew, old urine and a slight whiff of ass. Then toss that into a can of tuna. It’s not good. I lick, and my body said no, and I heave. She gasps, I say something along the lines of IT’S NOT YOU I’M SICK but as soon as I do I throw up in my mouth. She begins crying while struggling to put on her ripped panties, and I just feel like shit both physically and for the poor sap that has to take that next time. By the time I get out of the bathroom, she’s gone, and we haven’t really talked since.”


10. It felt like a dead person with a vacuum for a mouth

“Some girl that gave me the worst blowjob ever. It felt like a dead person with a vacuum for a mouth, can’t really describe it but it’s probably like a real doll sucking your dick. I had to stop her and we proceeded to have hot sweaty awful sex inside a tent right under the sun in the middle of the summer. Just awful all around.”


11. my nose was in her ass

“The worst time begins with my girlfriend in dog position. It was one of these days that was not very wet… and before doing it I thought that it would be better for both if i would lick it a little. I had never made it like that, but when I did, my nose was in her ass. While I was doing nothing feels wrong, because I was breathing through my mouth, but when I ended and started to have sex, I had and disgusting smell of ass/poo surround me… because it was at my nose!!!. No matter what I was doing, there was that smell. Absolutely disgusting sex.”


12. She was too uptight

“The worst was with a preacher’s daughter. She was too uptight and kept complaining how it wasn’t right afterwards. It was a rather boring encounter with her having way too much remorse afterward, killed the whole experience.”

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