‘I Had Sex With A Banana’ And 11 Other Weird Ways Men Got Themselves Off As Teenagers

Shutterstock / PrinceOfLove
Shutterstock / PrinceOfLove

1. BANANA-PEEL RENDEZVOUS

“As an intensely dumb and horny male teen, I was constantly masturbating. It was so bad, I was literally in pain if I wasn’t busy pleasuring myself. I’ve jacked off with every grocery item and household contraption you can imagine, but for me the most pleasurable method was to peel a banana, warm it for seven seconds in a microwave—exactly seven seconds, no more, no less—wrap the banana peel around my member, and then close my eyes and pretend it was a woman…rather than, you know, a banana peel that I, in my loneliness, had just microwaved.”

—Todd, 25
beetlejuice

2. ANAL SCREWDRIVER INSERTION

“One late summer night when I was about 14, I stuck most of a screwdriver up my rectum. Not the plastic handle end—the steel end. Flathead, not Phillips. I just jiggled it around and took it out. Then I continued jerking off. You’re the only person I’ve ever told this to. You’re also the only person I ever will tell this to, and if you publish my real name I’ll stick a screwdriver up your ass, too.”

—Kyle, 25
beetlejuice

3. PB&J

“Both of my parents worked, so when I’d call in sick from high school I had the whole house to myself. One day while futzing around in our house—it was probably two in the afternoon and I was still in my pajamas, just in case you want to get a picture of how relaxed I was—I blazed some chronic and got a massive case of the munchies. One PB&J sandwich…two…by the time I got to the third one, I’d already had a couple glasses of milk, too, so I was already feeling full and bloated. So I fucked the third sandwich instead. Came in it, too. Then I fed the whole sandwich to my dog. Is that wrong?”

—Tito, 24
beetlejuice

4. THE ‘NUMB PALM’ TRICK

“I used to like to sit on my ‘masturbation hand’ until it fell asleep, then jerk off with it. Totally weird sensation. Feels like someone else is jerking you off. So I’d close my eyes and pretend it was this girl I had a crush on. Then the blood would eventually flow back into my hand and I’d realize to my dismay that I was just masturbating again.”

—Erik, 28
beetlejuice

5. TOILET-PAPER ROLL

“I’m a little thick—not in the head, but I mean girth-wise down there—so as a randy young buck with testosterone coursing through my veins with the ferocity of white-water rapids, I tested various household items that could accommodate my thickness with just enough tension to make it pleasurable, but not so much tension that my dick turned purple and fell off. I found that toilet-paper rolls were the perfect thickness. I’d lube up with whatever was handy—usually Eucerin—and then push and tug and shove until I was all the way in the roll and out the other end. Then I’d pump on myself with the greasy toilet-paper roll until I achieved completion. Ah, youth.”

—Mark, 33
beetlejuice

6. MY OTHER HAND

“I’m left-handed. I do nearly everything with my left hand, including jerking off. You could pretty much saw off my entire right arm and I wouldn’t even notice for a few weeks. But one day in my mid-teens, hot as fuck outside and bored out of my brains, I noticed an exotic stranger lurking in the East. That ‘stranger’ was my right hand. To this day, that stranger remains one of my very best and closest friends.”

—Kevin, 22
beetlejuice

7. HOT MUD BATH

“This is really horrible, and I think I’m probably going to some sort of hell for it, but back as a teenager I visited a natural hot-springs spa in California’s wine country. This particular place also had hot mud baths, which is basically you immersing yourself in a nice warm mud-filled tub with a consistency so thick, you never sink to the bottom. I soon discovered that the mud was also the consistency of a human vagina. Let’s just say I left a part of myself in that mud bath that day, and I’m truly sorry to whomever rented it next. You’re probably better off not knowing that you swam among my tadpoles.”

—Billy, 30
beetlejuice

8. CANINE BLOWJOB FAIL

“There were all these websites that claimed women frequently would smear peanut butter on their pussies, and then they’d get off by inviting their dog to lick it off. So I dipped my hard dick in a big deep jar of Skippy. The crunchy kind, not the creamy kind. Then I sashayed on over to family pet, a huge lovable female Rottweiler. She took a sniff, then just looked up at me like I should be ashamed of myself.”

—Tommy, 28
beetlejuice

9. MY MOM’S VIBRATOR ON MY BALLS

“I can’t really say I was happy to discover that my mom—she raised me herself, my dad skipped town when I was very young—hid a vibrator under her mattress. It freaked me out and continues to freak me out even today. But one day when mom was at the mall, I grabbed that vibrating little purple love stick and held it up against my balls while I milked myself to completion. Sorry, mom.”

—Morgan, 23
beetlejuice

10. A RAW CORNISH HEN

“You ever see those Cornish hens? They’re like mini-chickens. Well, one day I peeked into the refrigerator and saw that my mom was thawing a few of them out for a dinner party. I grabbed one, took it upstairs, shoved my cock into where you’re supposed to put the stuffing, and fucked the living shit out of that Cornish hen.”

—Johnny, 24
beetlejuice

11. JACUZZI JET ON MY ASSHOLE

“My friends always used to joke that I might be the only guy in history ever to work as a motel ‘maid,’ but that’s what I did for a summer job between junior and senior year of high school, which is really any young man’s Prime Masturbating Time. Well, one slow day after I’d cleaned up the few rooms that had been rented the previous night, I took a dip in the motel Jacuzzi all by myself. I looked around, whipped it out, and went to town. I felt a pleasurable sensation down near my butt and realized that my anus was pretty much making out with the motel Jacuzzi jet. Orgasm was extra intense. 10/10 would use my anus to make out with a Jacuzzi jet again.”

—Geoff, 26
beetlejuice

12. WATCHING MYSELF JERK OFF ON MY WEBCAM

“My favorite masturbation pastime as a teenager was to sit up close to my laptop, turn on Skype preferences so you can see a video of yourself, and jerk off to the live-action image of me jerking off. What can I say? I’m a narcissist, I guess. Still, I came every time.”

—Fred, 29 TC mark

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