Hair Force One: 40 Of The Funniest Donald Trump Jokes
1.
Trump says he wants to run for president. Why not? It wouldn’t be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.
—Snoop Dogg
2.
When Trump bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he’s jerking off.
—Seth Macfarlane
3.
Donald Trump announces this morning that he will run for president. His hair will announce on Friday.
—Albert Brooks
4.
Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: “Are you better off than you were four wives ago?”
—Bill Maher
5.
Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: “A complex world demands complex hair.”
—David Letterman
6.
How is Donald Trump going to create middle-class jobs? By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
—Unknown
7.
Critics say it’s illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It’s also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn’t born in this country.
—Conan O’Brien
8.
At a campaign event today, Donald Trump read Senator Lindsey Graham’s cellphone number aloud on live TV. It’s the craziest thing Trump has done since whatever he did right before that.
—Seth Meyers
9.
No wonder Trump always sees red. His America is full of bleeding-heart liberal men, and women who are just bleeding…wherever.
—Unknown
10.
Why is Donald Trump always seen with [new wife] Melania? Because all his other wives support Hillary.
—Unknown
11.
Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.
—Craig Ferguson
12.
What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black.
—Unknown
13.
Republican hopeful Rick Perry this week compared Donald Trump to cancer. Which really isn’t fair, because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
—Seth Meyers
14.
You’ve got a great sense of humor. You’ve been so happy to embarrass yourself on Saturday Night Live and in the casino business.
—Anthony Jeselnik
15.
Why shouldn’t Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants? Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
—Unknown
16.
Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents—doesn’t work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He’s already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem. … This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. A president who’s not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying asshole.
—Lewis Black
17.
If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.
—Jimmy Kimmel
18.
Donald Trump is attacking President Obama’s background. And I said, “Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He’s half jack and half ass.”
—David Letterman
19.
Now that Macy’s has severed ties with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the president-elect? By hunting and killing their own hairpiece.
—Unknown
20.
Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants? Because E.T. eventually went home!
—Unknown
21.
You got [new wife] Melania a huge, 12-carat diamond engagement ring. You should not have gotten her a diamond. Now she knows what hard is supposed to feel like.
—Whitney Cummings
22.
Donald Trump doesn’t believe in gay marriage; he believes marriage is about a rich guy marrying a much younger model.
—Unknown
23.
You’ve ruined more models’ lives than bulimia. You’ve disappointed more women than Sex and the City 2.
—Lisa Lampanelli
24.
Donald Trump will bring to the presidency what the early leaders of America did: fake hair.
—@SarahRkein
25.
A woman gets on this elevator in Atlantic City when she suddenly realizes the only other passenger is Donald Trump!
Oh my God, she gushes, You are the most handsome, intelligent, successful, sensitive man I’ve ever met, and I’ll never see you again. Can I give you a blow job?
To which ‘The Donald’ replies, “What’s in it for me?”
—Unknown
26.
Donald Trump reports that he actually has a dime for every time he’s been called a ruthless bloodsucking bastard.
—Unknown
27.
Yeah, Trump said he’ll choose a running mate, and then dump her for a younger, hotter running mate.
—Conan O’Brien
28.
Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won Apprentice. Because nothing says ‘not racist’ like making a black man run your errands.
—Conan O’Brien
29.
The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump.
—Jay Leno
30.
Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama’s birth certificate to make sure that it’s real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump’s hair.
—Jimmy Fallon
31.
They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.
—Jon Stewart
32.
Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can’t find his birth certificate.
—Jay Leno
33.
There is little doubt what Trump’s eventual announcement will be because he’s already decided to run in his mind. That means he’s a shoe-in because that’s where all his supporters are.
—Stephen Colbert
34.
Donald Trump said he can’t make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of Celebrity Apprentice is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever—I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for president until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice.
—Jimmy Kimmel
35.
Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for president on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice. Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare.
—Conan O’Brien
36.
The White House is saying Donald Trump has ‘zero percent chance’ of being elected. Isn’t that a little high?
—David Letterman
37.
Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn’t make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn’t want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent.
—Jimmy Kimmel
38.
Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as “blue” and his hair as “ridiculous.”
—Conan O’Brien
39.
In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump said ‘I believe in god.’ But of course Donald thought he was talking about himself.
—Jay Leno
40.
Maybe he should ease into this—by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.
—Jimmy Kimmel