1. Old people have a LOT of sex.
How much sex, you ask? Do you really want to know? OK, since you asked, the elderly are currently experiencing the biggest spike in sexually transmitted infections among all age groups. Should I continue? All right, then—three-quarters of 70-year-old men are still able to impregnate a woman. Should I stop? No? Then you need to know that nearly a third of women over 80 still have sex with their partners. And one-third of men and one-quarter of women over 50 have performed oral sex over the past year. Hey, don’t blame me—you asked!
2. Female orgasm is designed to induce pregnancy.
The rhythmic pulsating motion of the vaginal walls during female orgasm is designed to push sperm up toward the uterus and into the cervix. And you thought the real purpose of the female orgasm was pleasure. How wrong you were!
3. The human mouth hosts over 500 types of bacteria.
Try not to think of that the next time you’re kissing someone or they’re going down on you. Visualizing 500 different types of bacteria squirming all over your junk could threaten to kill the mood.
4. Straight men comprise more than half the audience for online transgender porn.
A meta-study of one billion online searches for porn concluded that transgender porn is the fourth-most popular form of porn on Earth. And straight men are the primary consumers of it. There may actually be less transphobia out there than you think there is.
5. Left testicles tend to hang lower than right ones.
I’ll pause to allow you to visually verify this fact with all your male friends—and I won’t judge you for it!
6. Female penguins engage in a form of prostitution.
Researchers have repeatedly observed female penguins exchanging sexual favors with male penguins that aren’t their mates in exchange for pebbles they will use to build nests for their babies.
7. Two-thirds of men and women have fantasized about other people while having sex with their partner.
Tonight when you’re having sex with your partner, I want you both to fantasize that the other one is fantasizing about having sex with someone else. It’s the only way to keep some spice in your love life.
8. Ovulating women are more likely to cheat.
When that egg’s sitting there just aching to be fertilized, women tend to get a little restless. And if you can’t do the job, well, boy, you’re fired.
9. Shaving your pubes makes you more likely to spread a sexually transmitted infection.
Since pubic hair acts as a sort of sexual hockey goalie, it is assumed that shaved pubes will also make it more likely for you to receive a sexually transmitted infection. Clearly this is God’s way of showing us that it’s time for everyone to end the madness and “go natural” again.
10. Male testosterone levels and sperm counts are only a quarter of what they were a century ago.
Men aren’t what they used to be. In fact, they are literally only a quarter of what they used to be only a century ago.
11. Male fruit flies who can’t find mates are more likely to drink alcohol than fruit flies who are players.
I have no idea where these fruit flies are getting alcohol—one would assume they’d at least be carded at the local bar—but fruit flies who are losers at the mating game tend to drown their misery in booze.
12. Alfred Kinsey was able to insert the bristle side of a toothbrush into his urethra.
The pioneering sex researcher and author of The Kinsey Report also had a collection of over 5,000 wasps. Why he was sticking toothbrushes up his urethra and collecting thousands of wasps is probably a problem for him and his therapist. Either way, it’s pretty freaky-deaky.
13. Sex toys are banned in Alabama and Mississippi.
Can you fucking believe they make you drive to Georgia and Arkansas for sex toys? Gas isn’t cheap, you know!
14. Women are aroused by chimpanzee porn.
That’s right, as weeeeeeeird as that is. A study showed that women who viewed footage of chimpanzee sex became sexually aroused and experienced vaginal lubrication.
15. Four popes have died while having sex.
Sure, that means that 262 popes did not die during sex, but these are popes—they’re not supposed to be having sex in the first place.
16. Adults are more likely to tell lies while in bed than they are anywhere else.
This is really hard to believe, since you’re usually naked in bed and it’s hard to exaggerate anything in that condition. But people lie more when they’re lying in bed—get it?
17. Gay men have bigger penises than straight men.
Although straight men tend to be bigger dicks.
18. The bigger his balls, the more likely he is to cheat.
If your man has huge testes, the only sane thing to do is get a GPS tracking chip implanted in his body while he’s sleeping—that way you’ll always know where he is.
19. Educated white women have more anal sex than any other group.
This presumably includes educated white gay men. Uh—way to go, white women?
20. Fat men have more sexual endurance than thin men.
Multiple studies have confirmed that it takes severely overweight men nearly three times as long to ejaculate as it does those jerky male gym rats who are always asking you to feel their six-packs. Six-packs? More like six seconds!
21. Male bicyclists risk impotence.
The pressure of the bicycle seat on the male groin can permanently damage sexual function and render the avid cyclist a poor and pathetic shell of his former sexual self. Is it really worth it? Drive a car instead and save your boners, guys!
22. Straight men search for images of penises online almost as much as they do vaginas.
It’s unclear whether they’re comparing themselves to the online penises or they simply like looking at them. If it’s the latter, it raises the question of exactly how “straight” they really are.
23. One out of every ten European babies is conceived on an IKEA bed.
Just knowing this fact will make me unable to have an erection for three days. I hate IKEA.