I’d like to see Richard Burton or Sir John Gielgud or Sir Laurence Olivier do “Macbeth”, memorizing all that dialogue, and have a boner.
People say, “Are you just acting?” Well, you can’t act when you’ve got a fist up your butt.
Now I work with women who are younger than my breast implants.
I think some people recognize my butthole before they recognize my face.
You can’t just say to your girlfriend, “I have to go fuck 500 girls in Eastern Europe. Wait for me here, please.”
Making eye contact during rough sex is roughly the equivalent to trying to read Dostoyevsky on a rollercoaster.
Don’t have oral sex with a woman if her vagina smells like a dumpster; that’s how I lost both my arms.
Be good or don’t get caught.
You cannot blame porn….When I was young, I used to masturbate to Gilligan’s Island.
Ugly people shouldn’t be able to handle food.
People who substitute soda for water disgust me. But I swallow jizz for a living so who cares?
If you think pubic hair on a woman is unnatural or weird, you aren’t mature enough to be touching vaginas.
All the dick sucking from the past few days is not making this morning’s karaoke session very easy.