1. Inconvenient boners.
The constant erections. I don’t mean when you want them—those are great. I mean when it’s inconvenient. Like when you’re ordering coffee at Starbucks and you worry about having to limp over to the cream and sugar counter. It’s almost like being disabled. Having a penis can be a handicap.
2. Impotency issues.
The fear that one day it’ll just stop working. It’s my ultimate horror to think of waking up one morning and it doesn’t work anymore. And it’s not like you can take it to the mechanic’s and get it fixed. It just sits there in your pants like a broken chainsaw.
3. Depends on the penis in question.
Depends on the penis in question. I’d say it’s a sliding scale depending strictly on the quality of penis that Mother Nature gifted you with. If it’s small and crooked, it’s almost like nature cursed you. That would be the worst possible thing about having a penis, is when you have a bad one. But if it’s reasonably sized and functional, there’s nothing better in life. If Mother Nature gave you a good penis, you’re living the dream.
4. Knowing it’s not the biggest one on the planet.
Knowing that no matter how big it is, there’s always someone with a bigger one. I know it’s neurotic, but it makes it really hard for me to be confident. I mean, I have a bigger than average one, or so they tell me, but I keep worrying about the guys with the bigger ones. It kills me. If you’re going to have a dick, you might as well have the best, but only one guy gets to have the best one. Bugs the shit out of me. It means there can be only one truly happy man on Earth.
5. Being afraid that it tastes like pee.
Never knowing if it tastes like pee. [laughs] I’m really paranoid about this. A long time ago a girl told me that my dick tasted like pee. Now I can’t wash it enough, and so I’m always worried about whether it tastes like hand sanitizer—or even worse, pee AND hand sanitizer. I can’t win.
6. Getting kicked in that area.
How much it hurts when you get kicked in that area. I know it’s the balls that take most of the punishment, but I was once accidentally kicked in the crotch during a taekwondo class, and my dick was purple for three weeks. And still my package is just sitting there, ready to be kicked again. That’s what’s truly the most horrifying—the thought that it could happen again. Once you get kicked in the groin, you never forget how it feels.
Adjusting. Having to adjust, especially when it’s hot outside. Trying to peel your balls off your thigh, and then your dick off your balls. It’s like trying to separate globs of pizza dough that have stuck together.
8. No more wet dreams.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WET DREAMS? I stopped having wet dreams around the time I reached 18. It fucking sucks. Wet dreams were great. It’s the least amount of work possible to cum—you just have a dream, and boom!—you’re done. You clean up the mess when you wake up. So the best thing about having a penis is the wet dreams. The worst thing is that they stop. I don’t know why they stop—I just wish they didn’t.
9. The morbid fear that someone’s going to steal it.
OK, I’m sure this is going to sound totally crazy, but I fear that one day I’m going to wake up and it’s just not there anymore. It’s like my prized possession—worth more than my shitty little car and my shitty little laptop combined—so I’m paranoid that someone’s just going to sneak in one night when I’m sleeping and take it. I know it’s a weird answer, but hey, you asked!
10. The fact that I only have one.
Are you kidding? There’s nothing bad about having a penis. I only wish that I had two of them. Maybe that’s the only bad thing—you only get one penis. I want to be reincarnated as a guy with two penises.