Unlike men, you are permitted incredible wiggle room to use all sorts of paints and enamels and pastes and potions to build a beautifully deceptive fantasy atop your natural appearance.
2. You’re allowed to cry.
What happens when you cry? A hundred people console you. What happens when a man cries? A hundred people laugh at him.
3. You get better public restrooms than men do.
Sure, you tear the shit out of them and throw your tampons everywhere like it’s a food fight, but custodial workers across America are trained to keep women’s bathrooms squeaky-clean while they allow men’s rooms to fester and stink and decay.
4. People are far less likely to consider you a pervert.
If you’re friendly to children, no one’s suspicious. If you innocently smile at someone of the opposite sex, they aren’t likely to file harassment charges at you.
5. You can always find some sucker to buy you things.
Rare is the man who’s so handsome or charming that women are willing to give him money and gifts. But there isn’t a woman alive in a major US city that would be unable to find at least one potential male suitor willing to at least buy her a McDonald’s Happy Meal.
6. You are far less likely to die on the job than men are.
This is a largely ignored topic, but it’s true—men are getting squashed like bugs left and right in workplace accidents while women remain relatively unscathed.
7. You will never have to change a flat tire.
You could break down out on a lonely stretch of highway about 37 miles east of Buttfuck, Nebraska, and within five minutes a dozen local men will be fixing your car’s problem and offering you automotive advice as well as a free dinner.
8. You never have to worry about accidentally squashing your balls.
It has been estimated that at least half of an average man’s day is spent worrying about having his balls accidentally squashed, whether it be while crossing his legs or getting them caught in a revolving door. No woman has ever dealt with the near-constant fear of an accidental ball-squashing.
9. You never have to worry about going bald.
And you will never know what it’s like to be a balding man that women laugh at. That’s because you’re the woman who’s laughing at the balding man.
10. You can make out with a member of the same sex without being permanently classified as a homosexual.
Not that there’s anything wrong with being permanently classified as a homosexual, but women can get all kinds of flirty with other women—this includes dancing, making out, and sleepovers in the same bed—and still be considered straight. If a man did any of these things with another adult man, it’s a one-way ticket to Gaytown, USA, no turning back, do not pass GO, do not collect $200.
11. You are not expected to be successful.
You’re far less likely to hear an unemployed woman called a “loser” than an unemployed man. Women are no longer discouraged from pursuing a professional career, but they still don’t face the societal pressures to succeed that men do.
12. You live longer than men do.
That’s because you’ve outsmarted them your whole life.
13. You reach your sexual peak in your mid-thirties.
Meanwhile, men—who peak at around 18—are already well on their way to impotence and heart problems.
14. You’re able to have multiple orgasms.
That’s 14 clear advantages right there.