1. You can pee anywhere on Earth.
In the history of the world, no woman has ever proven able to urinate her own name in the snow, but guys do it all the time. Men love peeing everywhere. It’s in their DNA. The entire planet is just one giant men’s restroom.
2. It doesn’t even take you dudes five minutes to get ready.
Two minutes in the shower, one to brush your teeth, then you peer into your closet and select one pair from the two pairs of shoes you own. You then choose one pair of pants from your three pairs. And then you wear one of your two T-shirts. Voila! Five minutes later, you’re ready to go hit the town in style.
3. You suffer none of womanhood’s physical unpleasantries.
You will never know the stress of PMS nor the misery of menstruation. You will never endure the pain of childbirth. You will never, in your lifetime, know the horrors of needing a tampon and not being able to find one because all the stores are closed.
4. You never have to fake an orgasm.
This is clearly because women are better lovers than men are.
5. You’ve never been unable to open a pickle jar.
Sexist food corporations encase foodstuffs in containers that by their very construction discriminate against women.
6. “Bachelor” doesn’t sound nearly as bad as “spinster.”
If you’re 30 and unmarried, you won’t get nearly the amount of shaming if you’re a guy than if you’re a girl.
7. You will never know what it’s like to clean a toilet.
They say patriarchy is a thing of the past, but across America, women—NEVER men—are the ones expected to clean male filth out of toilets. This inequity must end—sooner rather than later.
8. You’re allowed to spread your legs in public.
When a woman spreads her legs in public, it causes a scandal. In many cases, the authorities are alerted. But in public places across this nation, men are spreading their legs and airing out their balls like they’re hanging out laundry to dry.
9. The aging process makes you look “distinguished.”
Men can get away with wrinkles and grey hair. For some reason it’s supposed to give them “character.” But women who are well into middle age and hurtling toward senior citizenhood might as well be the witch in The Wizard of Oz.
10. You would probably enjoy being sexually harassed.
Males don’t have to suffer the annoyance, trauma, and shame of constant sexual harassment—but that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t love it. There isn’t a man alive today, nor has there ever been a man in world history, who’s had a problem with being treated like a sex object.
11. You can go outside topless without causing an accident or getting arrested.
This, despite the fact that your hairy ape chest is objectively more disgusting than any set of female boobs in the Western Hemisphere.
12. People only call you a “bitch” when you’re weak, not strong.
When you’re being assertive—or even bossy—you’re just being “manly.” That’s what men do. No one would call you a bitch for being assertive. They only call you a bitch when you whine like a baby, you little bitch.
13. You can act like an idiot in public without having to leave town forever.
If you threw up on the pool table at the bar, well, boys will be boys. But if she threw up on the pool table, she has emotional problems and needs intensive counseling along with therapeutic medication and should probably go live with her aunt in Wichita while this all blows over.
14. You will never be called a slut.
The more sexual partners you have, the more of a man you are. You’re not a slut—you’re a stud. That’s a tremendous advantage our society gives to men—they are allowed to roam around fornicating like goats, and it only makes them seem cooler.