45 People Confess To The Weirdest Thing Their Genitals Ever Touched (NSFW)

Flickr / Elvert Barnes
Flickr / Elvert Barnes
Found on AskReddit.

1. A Cabbage Patch Kids plastic curling iron.

I used to masturbate with the plastic curling iron that came with one of my Cabbage Patch dolls.

2. A gummy bear.

This was when I was 14 years old.

I would have the habit of lying on my back and snack on things like cookies and grapes and stuff like that. Well, one time I had gummy bears.

I would like to pretend they were going on adventures and my tummy was a field and my belly button was a well where they would get stuck and my boobs were hills. One gummy bear said that my crotch area was off limits because it was a “private area”.

Well some gummy bears were bad and went anyways. I stuck 3 gummy bears in my underwear and one inside me and I remember from that point on I knew what being horny was like but I never ate gummy bears ever. EVER. again.

I was an odd girl at that age.

3. My children.

My children.

Giving birth is weird.

4. A jar of marshmallow Fluff.

When I was a much younger boy for some reason I thought sticking my dick in a jar of marshmallow Fluff would feel good it did for about 3 seconds then I realized there is marshmallow every in my pubes in my pee hole what’s even worse is I had to still finish helping my uncle before I could leave to go home. So basically I had marshmallow Fluff on my dick for about 3 hours.

5. Nutella.

Nutella.

I was Snapchatting someone and we were trying to outdo each other for weirdness, so I smeared Nutella over my junk.

6. A red-hot metal space heater.

I was sleeping naked once during winter, with a big comfy down comforter and flannel cover, and one of those old-school metal space heaters next to my bed.

I jumped out of bed to piss, and my wiener accidentally made contact, and I heard this “Hssssss” sound before I felt it. It burned my cock so bad that it made a hissing sound.

7. Pudding.

Pudding. Stuck my dick in pudding.

8. I lost my virginity to a big toe.

Someone kicked me in the vagina when I was in 8th grade. I was wearing basketball shorts with no underwear. Her big toe went right into my vagina and popped my cherry. I bled a lot.

9. A grinning gecko.

My leopard gecko.

I was just lying in bed, naked and watching Netflix. My gf loves playing with the gecko, and gets her out of the vivarium and sits on the bed with me, letting the gecko crawl around on the sheets. Not really paying attention, I lean over toward her while watching.

Next thing I know, I feel small claws on the tip of my penis. Looking down, I see that perpetual gecko grin staring up at me, one arm planted on the tip.

10. Poison oak.

Poison oak. It wasn’t pretty.

11. A butterfly.

A butterfly.

Camping trip + pissing in the woods = butterfly landing strip?!

12. A dog’s nose.

Dog nose. Cold and wet, as they are prone to be. Bless her heart, she was just trying to arrange the blanket and snuggle, but it was an uncomfortable moment for sure and she wasn’t sure why I was yelling….

13. A ladybug bit my balls.

Wouldn’t say an object, I was just chilling home alone in some boxers and then felt some really uncomfortable stinging coming from my balls. I check and there is a ladybug which has bitten me most likely.

14. An African Grey Parrot’s feet.

I used to let my African Grey Parrot sit on the shower curtain rod and play in the steam. The one day she fell off, grabbed my rod with both feet, and flapped wildly as I tried to pull her off. She bit my finger hard. I came out of the shower cussing, holding my junk with blood running down my leg (from my finger). I was 16 and living at home, so of course my parents were there when I burst out of the bathroom.

15. A metal grenade.

A real (replica I’m sure) grenade. It was metal and I was 17 and horny. So was my boyfriend.

16. My brother’s drum set.

I rubbed my nut sack on my brother’s drum set.

17. A loaded pellet handgun.

A loaded pellet handgun. That was a nerve wracking thing to have inside my vag, but weirdly arousing.

18. Macaroni and cheese.

Macaroni and cheese. But it was fine, I was wearing a condom.

19. A carrot.

I stuck a carrot in my vagina when I was 16 then I almost had an anxiety attack a year or so later when an episode of 1000 Ways to Die featured a girl who died doing exactly that.

Also I put a highlighter in there once when I was a kid to get rid of my hymen.

20. A mosquito sucked me off.

I was on a canoeing trip and I was taking a piss on a small island. Then a mosquito landed right on the tip mid piss. I slapped my junk to avoid the bite. The impact managed to coat my hand and dribble my shirt with piss. The worst part is the mosquito managed to hijack my blood before its inevitable death. I then ended up with blood and mosquito bits on my genitals.

21. A tick sucked me off.

A tick on the tip of my penis. Never before had I been so horrified to have a mouth on my genitals.

22. A goose bit me on the balls.

Had a goose bite me directly on the balls once as a kid. Not a recommended experience.

23. I managed to kick myself in the balls really hard with my own foot on accident.

My own heel. I had hurt my balls during sports or something, don’t really remember. So then I was at home sitting on my bed and I don’t know exactly how but I managed to kick myself in the balls really hard with my own foot on accident.

So that pissed me off, as I was in considerable pain at this point. An hour or so later half asleep me thought ‘sheesh, it would sure suck to kick the wall really hard right now’. At which point I broke my toe…

Not one of my proudest moments.

24. A big hot gooey calzone.

I brought a calzone back to my dorm after class and noticed my roommate was gone. I bit the end off of the calzone and decided to watch some YouTube videos while eating. After watching 3-4 videos I went back to eating but before I took the second bite I held the calzone and examined the pocket hole filled with warm soft melty mozzarella cheese and slippery sauce. My curiosity got the better of me and I though “eeehhh fuck it, no one will ever know”. It was not as great as it looked though, so I stopped and just finished eating.

25. Marbles.

I used to shove marbles in my underwear and then just walk around with them chilling in there. I was a troubled boy.

26. A golf ball.

Golf ball. Long story , bad memories.

27. A tiny but deadly green chili.

I was watching a softcore porn where a lady put a chili in her mouth to enhance the experience of a blow job for the man, so 14 year old horn dog of myself decided to cut the a tiny but deadly green chili in half, and proceeded to rub all the seeds + juices all over the tip of my penis.

It just so happened we were repairing some plumbing issues that day, so we had very little water.

For the next 1hour or so, I was on my tiptoes with my dick over the edge of the sink furiously splashing water on my dick too embarrassed to ask for any kind of help.

I’m not sure to this day if I still actually have a penis, or if it’s merely a ghost of my previous penis.

9/10, would put capsaicin on my dick again because it did feel pretty good after the initial “I’M GOING TO FUCKING DIE” feeling.

28. A rabbit bit my nutsack.

Well, when I was like 12 years old a rabbit bit my nutsack.

Does that count?

29. An electric drumstick.

An electric drumstick, lost my virginity to it too.

30. A human-sized Santa Claus figure’s hand.

I was at my dad’s place for the weekend in his new house, and he was far from done getting everything in place. He also happened to have a human-sized Santa Claus figure in the same room I was sleeping, which was apparently supposed to hold a lantern in its hand – however, the lantern was broken and missing.

I was super horny one night and apparently my brain decided that the hand Santa was supposed to hold the lantern with was just a perfect place to stick my dick into and get an improvised handjob. It worked like a charm…

31. Everything.

Toy baton, markers, exercise bike, arm of the couch, jump rope handle, game controller, toothbrush, bike seat, vibrating razor, phone, school desk, shower head, shampoo/conditioner bottles, that one night stand creepy douche guy.

32. An archery arrow.

I play in a medieval/ fantasy LARP called Amtgard. Part of the combat includes archery. The arrows are well padded and the bow weight is limited, but they still pack a solid punch. Well one day as I was running around engaged in combat another player turned and fired at me from a very minimal distance. The arrow caught my left testicle between itself and my thigh. Long story short my gentleman’s berry swelled to the size of a gentle men’s grapefruit and was purple for almost 3 weeks. It was two months before things were back to normal.

33. My Pomeranian’s tongue.

My Pomeranian’s tongue. I was eight. She wanted my Wheat Thins. It was awful.

34. A catfish’s tail beat the shit outta my nuts.

Catfish. I was sixish and fishing with some cousins went to the edge of the lake to check on the fish we’d already caught that were on a stringer(not sure if proper term I don’t really fish anymore) and fell in. Some huge ass catfish that was hanging in the shade near the bank got startled and took off towards deeper water. His tail beat the shit outta my nuts.

35. A ghost crab.

Strangest would be a ghost crab after a night of drunken conquest on a beach. Little fucker clamped right on the tip when I awoke.

36. My infant son’s poop.

Just thought of another one, no time to list them all, but my infant son pooped in my vagina. It sounds sketchy, but what happened was that I’d taken him for a shower, had just got out and a friend called up. So I was lying on the bed chatting on the phone with him on my bare thighs. Newborn poop has a lot of force behind it.

37. A Listerine mint strip.

A Listerine mint strip.

38. A thumbtack.

I put a thumbtack into my dick hole when I was 12. I dunno why.

39. Scotch Tape.

When I was eleven I wrapped my pecker in Scotch Tape, starting at the head and spiraling down. Once I got to the base and the now purple crooked toothpick was beginning to hurt, I knew mistakes had been made. So um, Scotch Tape.

40. A dog’s tongue.

Was having sex with an ex girlfriend. Dog jumped onto the bed. Licked my balls. Wouldn’t be a big deal if it was just a quick, lick lick bye. But no, this dog was really going at my balls and just totally ruined the mood.

41. A pet rat.

A pet rat. Girlfriend owned two, took them out after sex one day, walked clean across my junk.

42. Foot powder.

Foot powder.

It was an unusually humid July day some years back, and as if for the first time, I was experiencing the irritation that goes along with having a nutsack glued to both thighs like so much pancake batter.

I remembered a trick I’d been taught about using baby powder for this purpose, and ransacked my bathroom to see if we still had any from the days of my daughter’s diaperage, but no luck. There was, however, some medicated foot powder from the time I’d gotten athletes foot using the shower at work.

“Let’s be smart about this,” I told myself, and sprinkled some on my arm. Slight cooling sensation, barely noticeable. I figured it would be like not only getting my sac unstuck, but adding a bit of a nice, refreshing breeze. It would be soothing, it would be delightful, and the relief on my balls would put an extra bounce in my step for the rest of the day. Hell, probably the rest of the summer – you don’t stop doing a great trick once you figure it out, right?

But I was wrong. God as my witness I was so very, very wrong. It was like brushing with Tom’s toothpaste as a kid, so minty that it burned your mouth and made you hate life, but it was all over my balls – and a little bit on my asshole.

Ladies, gentlemen, I’m not ashamed to tell you I cried that day. Not bawling, like a kid who lost his puppy, or sniffling, like when a kid finds out she still has more homework to do; a stern face of regret, staring off into the distance as a few tears at a time escaped the tear ducts, wishing I could travel back in time only a few short seconds to undo this horrible mistake.

The seconds turned into minutes, and into hours. Rinsing did not help, oils did not help. I was a man with a mistake and a lot of cold burning on his balls.

And that, friends, is the strangest thing that ever came into contact with my genitals.

43. A new Bentley.

When I was in high school running cross country, my team and I had this game where we would run through the rich part of town and see who could rub their dick/ balls on the most nice cars. Corvettes were worth 1 point, Porsches were worth 2, Ferraris, Lamborghinis, McLarens, Lotus, were worth 4… got my dick all up in a Bentley at the motherfucking dealership. Won that day… tl;dr dicks and balls all over nice cars in hot and sweaty southwest Florida.

44. A banana peel that had been covered in lotion and microwaved for five seconds.

My penis accidentally touched the entire inside of a banana peel that had been covered in lotion and microwaved for five seconds.

45. Wtf hasn’t come into contact with my dick?

TL;DR I am the dick ninja

Wtf hasn’t come into contact with my dick? When I was a kid it was my life goal to touch everything with my dick. Whenever no one was looking I’d just whip that little fucker out and touch it to any surface I could find then put it back in before someone caught me. I was like the fucking dick ninja. I fucking dick ninja’d everything

Auntie’s cats were dick ninja’d. School Flag pole was Dick NINJA’D. Museum statue was Dick Ninja’d. My Hand= INFINITE DICK NINJA’D. Mangos were dick ninja’d. Literally everything at my house, airport, school, train station, McDonalds where my dad worked… EVERYWHERE.

I eventually stopped when I burnt myself trying to dick ninja the camp fire…. this was after I burnt myself on a lamp btw. How on earth do I still have a dick? TC mark

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