He decided to show me what an uncut penis looked like. Within 30 minutes of meeting him.
She casually mentioned that she wanted to cut herself and watch me jack off with her blood. I noped the fuck out.
I met a guy on Grindr. Turns out his profile picture was 10 years out of date, and he was about 100lbs heavier. But I decided to give it a chance anyways, because I didn’t want to be rude. His first question was if I liked to drive my car barefoot. Then he complained that his dinner smelled like niggers. I left immediately.
4. He proceeded to tell me about the hidden satanic messages in the opening ceremony of the Olympics.
He was 45 minutes late, got mad that another guy had started chatting me up at the bar while I waited, then proceeded to tell me about the hidden satanic messages in the opening ceremony of the Olympics.
I told him there was an emergency at home when he started talking about his rape fantasies.
The most memorable was when the guy put his hand on my thigh and whispered, “Just so you know for later, I’m HIV positive.”
Met girl online, she shows up for our first date drunk, with her drunk friend…and one-month-old son that she had forgot to mention (baby was sober I think). I excused myself to the restroom and ran like my ass was on fire.
8. The guy smelled like he never wiped after taking a shit and thought he was the greatest person to grace the planet.
The guy smelled like he never wiped after taking a shit and thought he was the greatest person to grace the planet.
It was a 30-minute drive to our restaurant. I didn’t notice the smell till about 5 minutes in. I, at first thought he had gas, but after it lingered longer the a few minutes, I realized it was just him. What was worse is he spent the entire time talking about how well he treated every woman he was with, and how great he was in bed.
By the time we were getting close to our destination I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him I had a bad headache and needed to go home to take medicine. I then got to listen to him tell me how I was missing out on the best night of my life. As soon as I got out of his car I was so done with his stench and attitude that I just yelled at him to take a fucking shower. Then ran off into my apartment.
I got a ton of texts telling me how much of a rude bitch I am.
We were already dating, but I thought it would be nice to take her for a meal one evening. She walked in, followed by her sister, then her best friend… And their respective boyfriends, all of whom had no money. She got upset when I said I didn’t have enough money to feed six when a meal for two would have set me back £40 or more, so I left. She sent me a text on my way home saying we were over, I didn’t bother replying. To this day I have no idea why she thought it was socially acceptable to bring four more people to our date without telling me first.
I told her I was color blind, she recoiled and said it was “gross” and sat there looking at me like I had the plague or something. I just sort of got up and left. It was really odd.
I don’t think she was racist, it was more of a “Eww, a cripple” kind of disgust, I think, I don’t really know.
We met online. She brought her sister on our first date. She never spoke and all her sister did was drill me about “my plans” and “my intentions.” After ordering she said “I hope you’re planning on paying. That’s what a real man would do on a first date.” So I said “true but this wasn’t a date, it was a job interview” I dropped my half in cash and walked out. Btw I drove us there. Never heard from them again.
She started talking about ‘our wedding’ and ‘our future kids’ on our first date. She wasn’t joking around, and when I told her that it was way too sudden to be talking about that, she looked at me quizzically and said “Don’t you want to get married?” First online date I’d ever gone on. Plenty of awkward ones after that (including the girl who got drunk then admitted she had an infant son and lived with her ex-husband), but that one took the cake.
She had a “funny” story that she really wanted to tell me. She said how hard she kicked a neighborhood dog on a jog. “Did it try to bite you or something?” I asked. Nope, she said, it was actually quite friendly.
… And that’s the end of that chapter.
Lunch, in college. Jimi Hendrix starts playing on the radio in the burger joint. We agree we both love Hendrix. Then he jumps up from the table and starts playing air guitar, dropping to his knees, sticking his tongue out and shit…I stood up and walked out.
She saw no problem, as she talked about her cats on our first date, in leaning slightly to her left as if to just shift weight off one hip to the other, and let forth a boisterous booty belch in the process. She never acknowledged it and she never skipped a beat in her story about how her cats were using her various plants for the litter box. The table behind her got the full effect of her exhaust as they questioned each other as to who did it. How they didn’t hear this sound emanate from women behind them I’ll never know. Both the butt-trumpeting and the feline fecal Easter egg story did well for my appetite. When I excused myself to the restroom after dinner, she did the same. I walked in the restroom, counted to 20, went and quickly paid my bill, and left. When I got to the car, I called her bother had him come get her, told him she was ill. When I was 2 miles up the road, she called me. The only thing she said after I said hello was: “It was the fart, wasn’t it?” I said “Yes.” She hung up the phone and I’ve not spoken to her since.
This was a third date, he was a nice enough guy, an editor at the local newspaper. We’re at his house and he’s made me dinner and suddenly he drops in normal conversation that his fetish is having sex with girls that are unconscious. I immediately stopped eating, stopped drinking, and made my exit. I did not get roofied but damn was I scared that it was in the cards for that night.
His exact words were “You’re so sexy. I’d love to share something with you since we seem to be hitting it off… Yada yada yada.”
I excused myself to the bathroom and pretended to get an emergency call. He got arrested two years later for being a Peeping Tom, then moved away. I swear this happened. I met some real weirdos when I was doing the OK Cupid thing. For instance, met a guy that said a black panther was his spirit animal and that she came to him in his dreams. Sometimes she told him to do bad things to people, but she was OK with me. That one never got a second date…but I saw his engagement notice in the paper a year later.
It was an OkCupid date and we met for coffee after talking awhile. He had a sour look on his face when I got there, so I wasn’t expecting too much. When our coffee came out, he said “I’m glad you didn’t ask me to pay for that, because I don’t think you should be drinking something with that many calories.” I’m a fat person, but he was way fatter than me, so I thought he was being self-deprecating. I was prepared to roll my eyes and let it go, but then he ranted for about 15 minutes about how women were getting too fat and how they should be pressured to lose more weight. Eventually I stopped him with a “You saw my picture! Why did you even agree to coffee?” His answer was “I was hoping you had lost weight since the picture was taken, because no one would put themselves on a dating app in that condition.”
18. The whole half hour or so she kept telling me what the “guy” should be doing for her and what she expects from her man.
Met a gorgeous girl at the gym but we didn’t talk too much before I invited her out. Next day we’re having drinks and appetizers and she had to be the most shallow thing I’ve ever seen. The whole half hour or so she kept telling me what the “guy” should be doing for her and what she expects from her man and how she should be treated, and so on and on and on and on and on….
I was getting really tired of listening to her but she was so hot I was having major cognitive dissonance between my heads.
So I get up to go to the bathroom and have a moment of silence to think about it. After leaving the bathroom I told the waitress to bring the check and went back to the table.
Another 5-6 minutes of her telling me what she expects, and needs, and wants, the waitress drops off the bill.
Startled and surprised by the sudden unsolicited bill she finally shuts up for a moment and I get to say something.
So I asked her “So you want and expect all this from the guy but what do you offer, what do you bring to the table?”
She looks at me like a sheep would look at the computer and says ” Well, I bring myself, isn’t that worth enough?” I look at the bill, 24 bucks, drop off $15 at the table and tell her, “No, you’re not worth the 12 dollars.” and walk off…
I told her I was a programmer for a living and she said, “Well, that’s boring.” Finished my beer, paid the bill, then went to another brewery to enjoy being alone again.
20. Everything was about how minorities, chicks, etc. were downtrodden and how I was full of privilege since I was a white male.
Oh, man. Second date with a very outspoken Tumblr feminist. Everything was about how minorities, chicks, etc. were downtrodden and how I was full of privilege since I was a white male. Only white males could be racist. Only white males received preferential treatment. Men are rapists. Etc. And I would never understand, since I didn’t experience what the unprivileged have.
She grew up in one of the nicest areas of Orange County, CA and was going to college for free while living w/ her family. I grew up in squalor in San Bernardino, CA and had to work for everything I had.
I’m pretty damn liberal about most everything. But fuck that was infuriating and so damn condescending.
The girl spent 20 minutes talking about her disdain for America and our capitalist ways. Then I asked her where she’d rather live, she said Australia because they believe in equality and aren’t capitalist. I had to show her Wikipedia to convince her. She still didn’t believe it and thought I edited Wikipedia ahead of time to lie. She was crazy.
22. He told me he is really turned on by incest and almost exclusively watches incest porn to masturbate.
We had been dating for about a month and were having a serious conversation about family…I told him I wasn’t close with anyone in mine because I had a lot of trust issues and it led to me letting him in on a very painful secret about being molested by a family member. He immediately responded that he also had a secret to share with me…and tells me he is really turned on by incest and almost exclusively watches incest porn to masturbate.
Met this cute girl online. We’re both mid-30’s and seem very compatible. Went to meet for dinner and there’s this old lady sitting there. She looked to be 55 or 60. Turns out that she’d been pretending to be her daughter online. Using her daughter’s pictures, info, etc. I have no idea how she thought that she was going to pull off that switch. Just NOPENOPENOPE.
24. The guy made out with my wrist then proceeded to physically take a diamond ring off my finger and put it in his mouth.
Welp, the guy made out with my wrist then proceeded to physically take a diamond ring off my finger and put it in his mouth. Legit put it in his mouth. After much threatening, I got my ring back and promptly peaced the fuck out. The next day he texted, “that was fun, let’s do it again!” Apparently he was on a cocktail of drugs and had no recollection of the night.
25. She texted through the entire dinner date, to the point of interrupting our conversation to answer texts.
She texted through the entire dinner date, to the point of interrupting our conversation to answer texts.
I got tired of it and asked if she was going to do that the entire time, her response was “sorry what? wait a moment i have to answer this”. I got up, threw down money for dinner and told her to take the bus home.
I got a text about 10min later calling me an asshole and asking why i left. I said the fact she texted me instead of calling means i made the right decision.