17 Prison Guards Share Insane, Terrifying, & Disgusting Stories Of Life Behind Bars (NSFW)

Flickr / Alexander C. Kafka
Flickr / Alexander C. Kafka
Found on AskReddit.

1. Dude ate a poop burrito wrapped in toilet paper.

Dude wrapped his poop in toilet paper and ate it like a burrito.

2. He yanked his braces from his mouth and started harming himself with the wires.

I work in a juvenile detention facility. We had to put a kid in a secure room (think padded walls with a camera) because he was self-harming. When you do that you remove everything they can self-harm with, so like no pencils or shoelaces or whatever. Dude pulled his braces out of his mouth and started self-harming with the wires.

3. He thought he fathered a litter of puppies.

My brother works at a juvenile detention center, in a sex offender unit. As he was going over one of his cases he read the kid’s charges and learned he had sex with his grandma’s dog, as well as raping a few neighbors. When my brother interviewed him and asked him about his crimes and how he felt, he was remorseful crying. My brother inquired and the kid was most sad about not being able see his kids grow up… Apparently his grandma’s dog had puppies and. he thought he was the father.

4. He would crush and snort his dried semen.

I work at a level 5 supermax prison in a small southwestern Virginia town and we had this guy. Wow, this guy. He kept getting his ass kicked and normally we kind of know why it’s happening but in this case, we didn’t. Come to find out, other inmates thought he had drugs. One day we caught him with white looking powder on his nose so we had to take him out and drug test him and cavity search him as well. This happened 4-5 times over the course of 5 months and he passed every test and search every time. Well one day we caught him. This guy was beating off, letting his jizz dry, crushing it, and snorting the shit. Good times.

5. A human hamster cage.

One WTF moment that wasn’t sexual was this one kid had collected newspapers and turned his cell into a human hamster cage. When we extracted him, he was balled up under his bunk like a hamster. The place even smelled like a hamster cage.

6. He painted “Poocassos” with his own feces.

I’ve been in my current job for about a year now and have seen some shit I never thought I’d see. Most of the craziest stuff comes from the craziest people. We had a guy come in on an out of state warrant so we were holding him until Texas came to pick him up. The kicker is that he was in one hell of a drug psychosis (I’ve actually seen 3 of these now, they’re borderline scary). He was in a safety cell for 3 days being observed every 15 minutes by whoever was on post. His log was insane.

0145 Bumping into wall

0203 Playing in feces

0218 screaming

And it went on with no sleep for days. Anyway, I was lucky (rookie) enough to get to pass meds to this guy with our nurse. She handed him his pills through the tray slot, and he took each individual pill and shoved them in his ass. I was just standing there mouth wide kinda laughing like “what the fuck.” The nurse was just like “welp. alright” and walked away. I was still watching the guy walk around amongst all his Poocassos on the walls when one little pink pill fell out of his ass. He eventually turned around and saw it. Of course, why waste a good pill, so he just popped that sucker in his mouth, swallowed it without flinching, and continued stumbling around the rubber room.

7. She had five hypodermic needles hidden in her vagina.

I was a detention officer for 6 years. One guy covered his ENTIRE cell walls in solitary with scriptures using his shit. We called him “holy shit.” There’s so many stories. I saw a guy beat another male in his tank with a mop bucket. Dude had a multitude of stitches. The best one was this time a young, frequent flyer came in and was very jittery. I asked if she had anything and she denied. I informed her if she got past the intake process and was caught with anything she’d be charged with a felony 2 instead of a typical 3 due to it being inside the facility. She confessed the drugs were inside her vagina. So I take her to a private cell and ask her to remove them, and she pulls out 5 caps to needles. The 5 needles were left inside her uncapped. I looked at the other female guard and said, “Dude it’s about to get messy.” Long story short the inmate was able to retrieve them all without injury by pure luck.

8. He ate a shit sandwich.

Checks are conducted every 15 minutes, for obvious reasons. One day, I had an inmate who had that wide-eyed, thousand-yard stare with a very unsettling smile on his face most of the time. During one of my checks, I offered him a Styrofoam container with some bread and cold cuts. He hadn’t been eating, so I was happy to see him take it.

He opened the container, removed the bread and stared at me through the glass from about a foot away. I saw him reach his had behind his nude body and watched his face strain a bit. When he brought his hand back up, he was holding mushy shit which he smeared on the bread and then pressed the two slices together. While continuing to stare into my eyes and smile, he took a huge bite from his homemade shit sandwich. I was in disbelief and walked away halfway gagging. When I returned a few minutes later with more deputies, the sandwich was gone and he was licking his fingers.

9. I saw a man eat a mini-cupcake out of another inmate’s asshole.

I was a CO in a maximum-security prison for around two years. Saw a lot of really weird things. The one that stuck with me the most was watching a small white man who was covered in tattoos eating a mini-cupcake out of a huge black inmate’s asshole, the little white guy was a white supremacist and it was entirely consensual although I still took both of them to the segregation unit. The weirdest one I didn’t experience firsthand, but the other shift told me all about it. A man had stuck the pointy end of a spork down his pee hole and had to be taken to medical. When the doctor removed it he got agitated and this time stuck staples into the spork so that when they tried to remove it the second time it would catch like a fishhook. They had to take him to the emergency room at a nearby hospital and fillet the man’s dick open to remove it. The third time a few weeks later he just cut what was left of his mangled dick off.

10. I’ve seen people using a dildo made of dried compacted poop.

I’ve seen people using a dildo made of dried compacted poop. So basically, they did butt stuff with butt stuff.

11. Apparently he tried doing butt stuff with his radio and it went past the past the point of retrieval.

In no specific order:

-A butt plug fashioned out of soap.

-A guy furiously masturbating with the cell light on, not trying to hide anything. I mean he was fucking going at it.

-Pretty much everything in the mental health unit. I didn’t witness it, but some guy cut his wrist, used a pen insert as a straw to suck blood out of his wrist, spit it into a bowl, then he drank it. He passed out shortly thereafter.

-Shit art is hideous, especially when mixed with period blood.

-Guy went to the hospital for stomach pains. Apparently he tried doing butt stuff with his radio and it went past the past the point of retrieval.

12. A lot of mental-health stuff.

County Jail. We had a girl eating her own shit. One smeared shit on her face like a mask. One guy a few years ago used his shit to draw swastikas on his forehead and all over his cell walls. I saw a guy get his head stomped (he lived). We had a guy that used his shit as hair gel. A guy that swallowed batteries every chance he got. We had a “cutter” who would cut his skin, I guess for satisfaction or something, went too deep and nearly bled to death. The guy who pulled his jugular out and told the surgeon not to bother because he’d pull it out again. We had a guy that knocked a steel door off its hinges (granted, the hinges were probably old and rusted, that iso cell was barely used). We had a guy with a colostomy bag that would routinely pull his intestines out from the bag hole. Had the guy that would stand there and finger his butthole for months at a time. The Mexican that was detoxing from alcohol and had no idea what universe he was in, he was constantly feeling around the cell and wore the skin off his fingertips and broke his wrist punching his reflection in the metal mirror. I saw a guy being dragged butt-naked by his ankles down the main hallway and said “I’m gonna make this a job for y’all” and started shitting himself. The one that really sticks out in my memory is the franchise owner of a Maryland Fried Chicken got arrested for DUI and she got put in a holding cell with a homeless crack whore, she nearly passed out from the smell of the crack whore. There’s probably more. Not as much butt stuff or rape stuff. A lot of mental health stuff; it’s hard dealing with them sometimes.

13. His entrails came tumbling out.

Work in the mental health unit at my prison. I had to deal with a guy who carved Nazi symbols in his body and wrote all over the wall with his shit. His entire cell was “browned up” with what must have been a week’s worth of shit.

Had an inmate who can’t feel his legs slice open his femoral artery, he then proceeded to use it as a weapon against officers trying to save him.

Wasn’t there for it, but we have an inmate who would regularly stage suicide attempts in order to get what he wants. He has bedsores, and on multiple occasions he’s tugged at them until he could wiggle some intestines out (no feeling below shoulders). One time he went too far, gravity took effect, and his entrails came tumbling out.

14. I saw a kid get his head crushed by an electronic door.

I was doing some student teaching in a max security juvenile prison. These kids were serial rapists, arsonists, and even murderers. I have two stories.

The first is that the library became very important to these kids. They would hoard books in their cells and it would give them power over one another if they had a book in the series that another kid was reading. A fight over a book ensued, it was a new book and there was only one copy. One day there was an all call to the common area and before the guards could stop him, one if the kids smashed and broke the other kids skull against the concrete floor. Blood everywhere, over a book.

The other time, which I will never forget also involved a kid getting his head crushed. Every single door in this facility was opened from a control room at the front of the building. Sometimes you would have to hit a buzzer and look into the camera to get the person in the room to release a lock so you could swing the door open. All of the doors swung open except the ones on the quads. The kids were kept in four separate blocks, called quads, with sliding doors. One of the guards was leaving a quad and used his walkie-talkie to have the control room close the sliding door. The door began to close behind him and he started walking away. A student in the quad decided to peek out into the hall as the door was closing and got his head crushed in the door because the control room couldn’t see him and stop the door before it happened. Fucked up, man…

15. This guy shoved staples, pins, paper clips, plastic utensils, and chicken bones up his penis.

I work in a maximum-security prison. I’d have to say it was probably in our segregation unit. As I was walking by this guy’s cell he stops me and shows me a string hanging out of his mouth. I’m of course wondering what the hell he is doing and then he starts pulling on it. And the string doesn’t seem to go anywhere. I immediately cuff him up and haul him off to health care where they find a paper clip folded up at like a fish hook. He swallowed it and got it lodged into his esophagus.

The same guy also liked to shove shit up his penis. Staples, pins, paper clips, plastic utensils and chicken bones. He shoved everything in it. So much stuff that he had to have his stomach cut open so the doctors could get to his bladder and unclog it. Then when he would be done with surgery he would rip out his stitches and stick his hand inside his stomach and play with his intestines. Once this happened a couple separate times the doctors finally just decided to stop stitching him up. I’m assuming it was some kind of colostomy bag that they hooked up to him and then they basically just left the whole open and had him on four point medical restraints for 23 hours a day. It’s estimated that the guy cost taxpayers nearly 28 million dollars in medical expenses.

16. I saw a woman place her asshole flat against the shatterproof glass.

The jail I worked in had shatterproof glass and heavy doors. I will never forget the night I saw a woman placed her asshole against that glass. Not her ass mind you…her asshole. Flat against the glass. The physics of this feat torment me to this very day.

17. We had to stop serving bananas at lunch because the female inmates were fucking them.

My first real job was as a jail guard back when I was 19. I come in to take a piss test for them and I’m directed to the medical bay. As we’re going over the typical legal bullshit that accompanies a urinalysis they wheel in this giant black guy strapped to a table with a nurse working to bandage his arm while he was struggling. Turns out the guy had chewed a hole in his arm for attention. He claimed that he was shot with a shotgun in his back and couldn’t feel anything on half of his body. This guy eventually ended up somehow wrenching a light plate from the ceiling of his cell off and using it to slice open his gut and pull his intestines out, pinching holes in his intestines to squeeze the shit out of it and smearing bloody shit on his face. Pretty sure the guy lived.

Then there was the one guy under 24-hour watch that would eat nothing but Snickers (you can order food and other things if your family gives a shit enough to put money into your jail account), then shit out the peanuts and pick them out of his shit in front of his cell door when people were watching and eat them.

Then you had the guy that would sing “George of the Jungle” for fucking hours in the crazy ward, ended up taking a nose dive off his sink after yelling watch out for that tree for the last time. That guy went to the hospital, no idea what happened to him.

Then there was the trauma a young man of 19 had to go through when they called male on deck in the female pod. Working with the females was a nightmare. Everything was the biggest issue, we had to stop serving bananas at lunch because they were fucking them, and every time I was in the pod the showers would fill up and female inmates would go take shits and flick their bean because they knew I had to look in each cell to make sure no one was killing themselves. I hated the female pod. TC mark

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